I attempt to find common ground by letting people know that having children is not the only way to achieve happiness. My choices are a little different to theirs, but I’m actually happy without being a mother.

It does bother me that I am put under pressure to explain myself so frequently. I feel like each of these conversations is my attempt to fight the status quo!

There are differences between childed and childfree people - and they should be celebrated and not brushed under the carpet in the attempt to all get along under one common umbrella or worse - so as not to offend childed people. Maybe one day these will not even be thought of as differences. When that day comes, it will not be a question of “working towards common ground or commonalities” they will be self evident. But right now, whether we like it or not, as childfree people we are forced to hear the dominant message, which is the status quo. My taxes (whether I like it or not) support the status quo. I really don’t care if someone wants to have or has children or not - as long as they don’t then start to tell me how I should live a life similar to theirs. If anything parents need to understand that a decision to be childfree is as valid as their decision to have them. Many don’t accept that.

Hopefully as more childfree voices are heard there will be more understanding of where we are coming from. That’s where I’m putting my focus.

EB - “I think at the very core of life we are all striving for the same common goals; happiness, success, love and friendship. Where we all differ is in our definitions of happiness, success, love and friendship.”

Yes, I think you are spot on here. I can accept and understand that having children defines happiness for some. So what I find hard to understand is why parents cannot accept that my definition of happiness does not feature having children and instead try and insist that I need to have children to have true happiness. Like you, when parents understand and accept this (not my friends who already do of course) then we will have common ground - or at least a place to start from.

Ultimately in the New Year I will continue to push the envelope and play devils advocate with family and friends although it would be easier just to work towards a common understanding. Until the day comes where not having children is a respected decision it is going to require opinioned pioneers like Brit Girl to profess to the world that there are voices that are yet to be fully heard.

I don’t see common ground as meaning that the childfree and “childed” are necessarily at a point of mutual respect. What common ground means to me is that as humans we inevitably have some essentials in common, where we want to or not. The issue is that we may choose to focus on what we have in common or we may choose to focus on what sets us apart. Or we may do both.

I know when I talk about common ground it is in the context of acknowledging as you said the human and not the reproductive choice. When we do that we are reminded that humanity and the human experience is what we have in common–and that’s a big thing, a bigger thing surely than whether or not we do or don’t have/want kids.

However because I think looking for that common ground is valuable, doesn’t mean I think fighting for rights for the childfree isn’t important. I think that is very important and I think I actively work to do that. Additionally I think one can work toward common ground without expecting the childfree to be the ones to bend.

You say “But I don’t see I need to exert even more patience with parents or proffer even more respect to them simply because they have had children.” And I agree. Neither parents nor the childfree deserve any more or less respect because of their reproductive status.

I don’t know what others mean when they speak of finding out common ground, but I know that I feel it is most certainly possible to work for unity and mutuality simultaneously. I guess I’m wondering if there is something specific that leads you to say that common ground often ends up meaning that the childfree are expected to respect parents who do not afford the childfree the same consideration.

Anyway, thank you for being so active in speaking up for the childfree. What you are doing is very important. I feel strongly that parents do not deserve any greater respect simply by virtue of being parents, and I also agree that currently society does often send the message that parenthood is always a better and more valuable choice than the alternative, and obviously I strongly disagree with that as well.

Despite my view on those two points, I still feel we ultimately are simply all people with similar hopes and dreams and feelings. It is just up to all of us (parent and childfree alike) whether we want to look for the commonality and the humanity in one another or if we want to further exclusion and division. I believe the common ground is already there; it is just up to all of us to recognize and focus on it.

I hope to work toward finding commonality with all people, but that doesn’t mean I think that I should give others some sort of special consideration or accommodate them in a way that they are not willing to do for me or that I should accept the view that I am less in any way due to my choice to not procreate. I think we can fight for rights for the childfree and work for common ground simultaneously. I know that I have made efforts that I could to do both, and will continue to do so in the coming year.