Every so often I come across a gem of a post that validates things that as childfree people we already know, say, but hardly ever hear admitted. Thanks to blogs people are getting up the courage to confess their thoughts in a way that in their circles they could never ever do.
Thanks to Bella Online (great childfree forum well worth checking out) I found this post called
True Dad Confessions – Let’s hear it for the boys!
Dads saying what they really feel about becoming a parent. This is a must read! None of it is really a surprise to me. What does surprise me are the number of people who don’t think about the consequences of having children until it is too late or until they are forced upon them.
We’ve been fortunate to hear from the men’s point of view on this blog from time to time, but outside this blog their voices (and their wishes) are often drowned out and sidelined by the juggernaut of “I must have a baby no matter what…” voices of the wanna-be childed, women who feel they simply must have a child to justify their reason for being or who simply don’t think of any alternative.
At the end of the day though the men, for a variety of reasons, allowed themselves to be talked into having children. Now they are stuck with them. Read what they say.
There are so many nuggets here that I really can’t pick any particular one. But here are some quotes from the post that will have you nodding your heads…go and check them all out here.
Here’s one…
“I wish i’d never let her talk me into having kids. I didn’t really want them. And now that we do, we can’t go back to the way things were. Things were perfect before. Don’t get me wrong. I do love them and would do anything for them. Its just that life was so much better before. We’re living paycheck-to-paycheck since she quit work to be a sahm and we never get to do anything fun. Its just kids, kids, kids. I’d switch places with my childless buddies any day…”
And another…
“I stay late at work just to postpone coming home to a screeching wife and kid. I don’t know which one is worse. I have no freedom, I can’t go back to college, I can’t travel. I feel as though I’m wearing a ball and chain. If I could have one wish it would be to go back and get a vasectomy before I met my wife…”
And another…
“Having children ruined my life as well as hers. Why do women feel so obligated to have children even though they really don’t want them 24/7?”
Why indeed? I do feel for the men. But I fully agree with one Bella Online forum commentator DV who said, “I know that’s how life with a child is like, because I thought of the consequences beforehand.”
Very true. My husband and I sat down and thought through all the potential impacts to our lives and we came up with a good many of what the men in the True Dad Confessions are expressing. I wonder how many these marriages are going to survive. The ironic thing is that these men would probably have been happier childfree and might even have been childfree if given a choice.
At the end of the day though, they did make a choice and now they have to live with the painful consequences. Not a life I’d like to live.
When will the truth be told… that having children can and often does ruin a marriage? For the men there’s a very simple, accident proof passport to life on your terms… if you know you don’t want children get a vasectomy before you get married and be sure your partner knows you’ve had one.
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the fathers i know in my circle of friends could be the authors of any one of those posts! they seem worn out constantly and make comments all the time about how much of a pain their kids are. the moms, on the other hand, live in moo-ville and all they talk about is their kids and kid-related activities. i feel sorry for the guys. marriage is about each other, and kids… well, they pretty much screw it all up.
Wow,
This is great! As a bar maid for over 20 years I have heard more sad stories then I care to think about. I feel bad for the guys that have been duped into fatherhood who didn’t want it. I can’t tell you how many times I have been told that same tale over and over. Fella’s, the female of the species is far more deadly. Please, head for your friendly urologist and have a vasectomy. It takes less then 10 minutes, its painless and you will never have to fear unwanted paternity. Don’t allow the female to dictate.I am female, childfree by choice and I LOVE my freedom. Lets get serious about stabalizing population and stop having unwanted children just because someone’s biological clock is ticking.
As I’ve said in another post, I’m a young single man who has already decided not to have kids. What I’m thinking to do is, to simply remain unmarried to avoid children! That’s how strong my desire to be childfree is. What are your comments on that?
If that’s what makes you happy, go for it. You aren’t likely to fine anyone around here who’ll try to convince you otherwise. If you WANT to get married and aren’t because of the threat of children, I think that’s a little silly. Marriage doesn’t have to mean children, and staying single isn’t a fail proof prophylactic. Realistically, it’d make more sense to say you’re going to be celibate to avoid becoming a parent, but again, if singlehood is what’s going to give you the happiest life you can have, more power to you.
I love my finance, we’ve been together for nearly 6 years. We just got a great new place together but I feel that this perfect little world will collapse one day when we have a kid. I don’t believe the species has any real point to propagate itself and I am so deeply opposed to reproducing that I worry it will jeopardize our realtionship one day. I’d rather have several nice housecats and spoil them.
I see having a child as a life-altering event that will siphon my money and free-time ultimately ushering in my death quicker then I would please.
An alcohol induced coma seems preferable.
If my man has a vasectomy when I meet him, I could care less. I don’t want children to be honest. This read has proved me wrong in thinking that all men want with women is kids. Thanks.
Hi. In asian culture, one part that we cultivate is like when you get older, your kids will take care of you. Is like an investment. You give the best of education to your kids, and when you get older, or retired, lonely, then the kids will be at your side. I wonder if anyone thought of this? I am not sure if americans/europeans think in this way.
Myself, I don’t have kids, and I am not 100% sure if i want to have kids, but I don’t want to age lonely, or having to live in senior housing one day….
The thought of having my kid to support me (emotionally) when I am old, that sounds like good reason to have kid.
What do you think of my reason?
Thanks,
Josh, in theory it sounds great to have someone to take care of you when you get old. Perhaps in Asian culture, children have more respect for their parents. But in the USA, children have become very spoiled. I worked in a senior home, and so many old people were very sad because their children hardly ever (and if ever) came to visit them. Having kids is no guarantee that you will have someone to take care of you when you’re old.
Karen, so if my solely reason to have a kid is because I want them to be with me if in case I either happen to be alone or disabled, am I dreaming too much? In your senior housing , were there any asian seniors? I once went to one for a voluntary function, and I only saw “white” .
I read this whole post, and I also read one article in another website, I am copying here one part which I think makes a lot of sense:
“As a couple, you both may want to spend more years together, to enjoy life and get to know each other more. Your child will benefit from this decision. Grow together with travel, time with friends and family, and dedication to your careers. This kind of life experience will rub off in such a positive way on any new addition to your family.
“
Women bear the brunt of the childbearing experience so to hear these men complaining about having kids is a joke! And by the way, not all women want kids but accidental pregnancies do happen and not all women are willing to have abortions.
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