Comments on: On Men, “Kidults” – And Not Wanting Kids http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/ The Interests of a Childfree Brit Living in Toronto Fri, 18 May 2012 03:02:10 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: KalipsoRed http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-19935 KalipsoRed Thu, 29 Mar 2012 08:11:47 +0000 http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/#comment-19935 I think GregH's comment was the most spot on. I'm a woman in my early thrities and had always assumed I would just one day have a husband and a family. I wanted the best friend/husband and off spring that we had taught to be positive participants in society. I hate how polarized this conversation gets as those who don't want kids hate on those who do with comments such as "I wish i could find a nice,fun,highly intelligent and adventurous girl with ambition to save the world and explore the universe that look great in doing it to spend my life without having to deal with the pre-programmed brainwash need to re-produce like the lot of “sheeple the apelike humans on this planet seem to be ! " given by The Doctor. I'm a a fun, highly intelligent, adventourous girl with ambition to change the world and explore.....and I have a 'non programmed non brainwashed' need to re-produce. It is part of MY plan to make a positive impact on the world. Just as you guys and ladies that wish not to reproduce hate to be chastized and belittled for your choice; I do not wished to be belittled for wanting to have a family. GregH's statement is SOOOOOO accurate. If you want babies you won't stop, if you don't want babies you won't change your mind. It is cruel and selfish of either party, no matter how much you love that person, to force them to take your position or for them to force you to reliquish your position. LADIES AND GENTELMEN if you don't want kids BE AS UP FRONT AND HONEST ABOUT IT AS SOON AS YOU MEET SOMEONE YOU HAVE INTEREST IN. Like this is 3rd date material. If you've made it to the 3rd date and your still interested then lay your expectations down. It won't save you all the time but it will help. People grow and change, so someone you get in a relationship with who agrees with the no child policy can grow to change their mind over time. This is most dangerous when dating between the ages of 20 and 40 years of age. LADIES (mostly) and GENTELMEN if you want kids and the person you are dating has said they do not ever see themself having children THEN BELIEVE THAT PERSON!!!! Now with all that said I've been dating for well over a decade. I've had quite a few suitors and have come to appricate the fact that finding a compatible mate is also a very difficult task. By compatible I mean someone you enjoy hanging with, who enjoys you and being part of your life as much as you do theirs, someone that shares your values, and someone with whom you develop a mutual deep connection with. That is a tall order and when you find someone that you can see having that sort of relationship with but they don't want kids and you do...or vice versa...it can make the decision to leave/stay very difficult. I'm currently in love with a man who told me he's done having children, all of his are grown and gone and he's happy about it. As I said earlier, I cannot see myself going through life without a couple of children. Over the last two years we've come to the conclusion that he would be willing to date me while I had my children on my own. Like he says it will be accptible for me to go by sperm and get pregnant and raise my children on my own and he'll still be my boyfriend. We are looking at buying a duplex so we can be close but he won't be living with my children. Now this is a difficult arrangement because what most dumb women think at this point is that they will have their kids and then get lax and ask the guy to watch their kids occasionally, or pick up their kid if the need arises and they guy should be willing to do it because they love each other. THAT IS NOT RIGHT. My children will be my sole responsibility and he won't be involved with anything unless HE REQUESTS to do something and even if he did do something with him I will not EXPECT OR REQUEST him to do it again. It's a fine line, but my boyfriend likes kids, he just doesn't want the responsibility or dedication it takes to raise anymore. If your guy or girl can't stand children then you have two options 1) give up on having children (which isn't darn likely to happen for the majority of those who do.) 2) Leave your love and go have your children and maybe you'll get luckly enough to meet a guy that is willing to take you all on. I hope that the arragement that my boyfriend and I have discussed works out, but I know it won't be easy. I also realize that my desire to have children does not make me bad/mean/stupid/selfish just as much as his desire to not have children does not make him bad/mean/stupid/selfish. People say it is so selfish to be a single mother by choice. I think it's just a plain selfish decision to have children; single or partnered. But I don't see the choice to do so any less different than a business man 'selfishly' chosing to increase his profits, or a person 'selfishly' chosing not to have children so they can contribute to society in a different way. People get over critical about the thought of someone chosing to be a single parent. Like because I'm chosing to do it this way I don't think fathers are important. I think fathers are very important; but my life hasn't worked out in a fashion that I've met a man who wants to be a dad. Why should I have to give up on my desire to have children beause I haven't met a man who wants to be a dad? Furthermore, I wish it were easier for men to have children so that a man could chose to be a dad if he couldn't find a suitable partner but had a great desire to be a father. I think GregH’s comment was the most spot on. I’m a woman in my early thrities and had always assumed I would just one day have a husband and a family. I wanted the best friend/husband and off spring that we had taught to be positive participants in society. I hate how polarized this conversation gets as those who don’t want kids hate on those who do with comments such as “I wish i could find a nice,fun,highly intelligent and adventurous girl with ambition to save the world and explore the universe that look great in doing it to spend my life without having to deal with the pre-programmed brainwash need to re-produce like the lot of “sheeple the apelike humans on this planet seem to be ! ” given by The Doctor.
I’m a a fun, highly intelligent, adventourous girl with ambition to change the world and explore…..and I have a ‘non programmed non brainwashed’ need to re-produce. It is part of MY plan to make a positive impact on the world. Just as you guys and ladies that wish not to reproduce hate to be chastized and belittled for your choice; I do not wished to be belittled for wanting to have a family.
GregH’s statement is SOOOOOO accurate. If you want babies you won’t stop, if you don’t want babies you won’t change your mind. It is cruel and selfish of either party, no matter how much you love that person, to force them to take your position or for them to force you to reliquish your position.
LADIES AND GENTELMEN if you don’t want kids BE AS UP FRONT AND HONEST ABOUT IT AS SOON AS YOU MEET SOMEONE YOU HAVE INTEREST IN. Like this is 3rd date material. If you’ve made it to the 3rd date and your still interested then lay your expectations down. It won’t save you all the time but it will help. People grow and change, so someone you get in a relationship with who agrees with the no child policy can grow to change their mind over time. This is most dangerous when dating between the ages of 20 and 40 years of age.
LADIES (mostly) and GENTELMEN if you want kids and the person you are dating has said they do not ever see themself having children THEN BELIEVE THAT PERSON!!!!
Now with all that said I’ve been dating for well over a decade. I’ve had quite a few suitors and have come to appricate the fact that finding a compatible mate is also a very difficult task. By compatible I mean someone you enjoy hanging with, who enjoys you and being part of your life as much as you do theirs, someone that shares your values, and someone with whom you develop a mutual deep connection with. That is a tall order and when you find someone that you can see having that sort of relationship with but they don’t want kids and you do…or vice versa…it can make the decision to leave/stay very difficult.
I’m currently in love with a man who told me he’s done having children, all of his are grown and gone and he’s happy about it. As I said earlier, I cannot see myself going through life without a couple of children. Over the last two years we’ve come to the conclusion that he would be willing to date me while I had my children on my own. Like he says it will be accptible for me to go by sperm and get pregnant and raise my children on my own and he’ll still be my boyfriend. We are looking at buying a duplex so we can be close but he won’t be living with my children. Now this is a difficult arrangement because what most dumb women think at this point is that they will have their kids and then get lax and ask the guy to watch their kids occasionally, or pick up their kid if the need arises and they guy should be willing to do it because they love each other. THAT IS NOT RIGHT. My children will be my sole responsibility and he won’t be involved with anything unless HE REQUESTS to do something and even if he did do something with him I will not EXPECT OR REQUEST him to do it again. It’s a fine line, but my boyfriend likes kids, he just doesn’t want the responsibility or dedication it takes to raise anymore. If your guy or girl can’t stand children then you have two options 1) give up on having children (which isn’t darn likely to happen for the majority of those who do.) 2) Leave your love and go have your children and maybe you’ll get luckly enough to meet a guy that is willing to take you all on.
I hope that the arragement that my boyfriend and I have discussed works out, but I know it won’t be easy. I also realize that my desire to have children does not make me bad/mean/stupid/selfish just as much as his desire to not have children does not make him bad/mean/stupid/selfish.
People say it is so selfish to be a single mother by choice. I think it’s just a plain selfish decision to have children; single or partnered. But I don’t see the choice to do so any less different than a business man ‘selfishly’ chosing to increase his profits, or a person ‘selfishly’ chosing not to have children so they can contribute to society in a different way. People get over critical about the thought of someone chosing to be a single parent. Like because I’m chosing to do it this way I don’t think fathers are important. I think fathers are very important; but my life hasn’t worked out in a fashion that I’ve met a man who wants to be a dad. Why should I have to give up on my desire to have children beause I haven’t met a man who wants to be a dad? Furthermore, I wish it were easier for men to have children so that a man could chose to be a dad if he couldn’t find a suitable partner but had a great desire to be a father.

]]> By: Sandra http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-19882 Sandra Mon, 13 Feb 2012 18:24:20 +0000 http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/#comment-19882 I wish I could find exactly what you have described, but in a man...There are women who do not wish to reproduce out there...I am one of them! I have been single for years because the irony is that I keep meeting the nice men who want to "settle down and start a family". Where do I get to meet guys like you? In fact, if you live near Montreal, let me know. I will buy you a coffee. I wish I could find exactly what you have described, but in a man…There are women who do not wish to reproduce out there…I am one of them! I have been single for years because the irony is that I keep meeting the nice men who want to “settle down and start a family”. Where do I get to meet guys like you? In fact, if you live near Montreal, let me know. I will buy you a coffee.

]]> By: Ashley http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-19880 Ashley Wed, 08 Feb 2012 20:09:06 +0000 http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/#comment-19880 I'm in somewhat of a unique situation. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. We've talked about marriage and in several instances talked about kids. We even spent an evening thinking up names for our future kids. We've even discussed the timeframe for getting engaged and married. Then, after much discussion with him (because we live together), I took a temporary job in California. So now I'm 3,000 miles away. This isn't the second time we've done long-distance but its the first time that its for a considerable lenght of time. Recently, I broached the subject of saving for our wedding because I have a steady income and we both have good jobs. It was at this time that my boyfriend thought it best to tell me that he's not sure if he wants to have kids. While I applaud his honesty, this caught me by surprise. I handled the phone call the best I could and then suggested we touch bases in a few days after I've had time to process it. After much contemplation and talking with my closest friends, I've decided to tell him that I'd like to wait to have this discussion when he and I are face to face. This is an important discussion that has serious implications for our future. I don't think my boyfriend is a "Kidult." There's so many extinguating circumstances. A few months ago, he lost his father to a horrible illness and now he has to cope with helping his mother out at home. And, in his words, he never realized how negative his mother is about life in general and how that some times impacts his own behavior. I'm not saying that I'm trying to talk him out of not wanting children but I want both of us to take time to really think about what it is we want and don't want as individuals. And then come together to discuss that. If after that discussion, there's still that fundamental difference, then that's okay. We tried and we both accept the possiblity of breaking up. Just looking for thoughts, concerns, or advice. Thanks! I’m in somewhat of a unique situation.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. We’ve talked about marriage and in several instances talked about kids. We even spent an evening thinking up names for our future kids. We’ve even discussed the timeframe for getting engaged and married.

Then, after much discussion with him (because we live together), I took a temporary job in California. So now I’m 3,000 miles away. This isn’t the second time we’ve done long-distance but its the first time that its for a considerable lenght of time. Recently, I broached the subject of saving for our wedding because I have a steady income and we both have good jobs. It was at this time that my boyfriend thought it best to tell me that he’s not sure if he wants to have kids. While I applaud his honesty, this caught me by surprise. I handled the phone call the best I could and then suggested we touch bases in a few days after I’ve had time to process it.

After much contemplation and talking with my closest friends, I’ve decided to tell him that I’d like to wait to have this discussion when he and I are face to face. This is an important discussion that has serious implications for our future. I don’t think my boyfriend is a “Kidult.” There’s so many extinguating circumstances. A few months ago, he lost his father to a horrible illness and now he has to cope with helping his mother out at home. And, in his words, he never realized how negative his mother is about life in general and how that some times impacts his own behavior.

I’m not saying that I’m trying to talk him out of not wanting children but I want both of us to take time to really think about what it is we want and don’t want as individuals. And then come together to discuss that. If after that discussion, there’s still that fundamental difference, then that’s okay. We tried and we both accept the possiblity of breaking up.

Just looking for thoughts, concerns, or advice. Thanks!

]]> By: the doctor http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-19879 the doctor Tue, 07 Feb 2012 05:44:09 +0000 http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/#comment-19879 I wish i could find a nice,fun,highly intelligent and adventurous girl with ambition to save the world and explore the universe that look great in doing it to spend my life without having to deal with the pre-programmed brainwash need to re-produce like the lot of "sheeple the apelike humans on this planet seem to be ! But ah yes, Thats a nice dream... Shhh do not wake me up! I wish i could find a nice,fun,highly intelligent and adventurous girl with ambition to save the world and explore the universe that look great in doing it to spend my life without having to deal with the pre-programmed brainwash need to re-produce like the lot of “sheeple the apelike humans on this planet seem to be !

But ah yes, Thats a nice dream… Shhh do not wake me up!

]]> By: the doctor http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-19873 the doctor Tue, 31 Jan 2012 12:11:45 +0000 http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/#comment-19873 If you are a guy who has no desire to have children and the woman you are with wants to, The sad truth of the matter is your world is no longer protected, you are not safe. No matter how wonderful she is and how strong your love is there is very little chance she will see the logic of not being shackled to parenthood. How many men have given in,given up and led a life that was never what they chose? How may men cry quietly in to their pillows every night knowing that they totally gave up on them selves and their real dreams of romantic adventure? Men think about who and what you are! You may have much more to offer this world as a "free" man not just another breeding number... Basically, RUN! If you are a guy who has no desire to have children and the woman you are with wants to, The sad truth of the matter is your world is no longer protected, you are not safe.

No matter how wonderful she is and how strong your love is there is very little chance she will see the logic of not being shackled to parenthood.

How many men have given in,given up and led a life that was never what they chose? How may men cry quietly in to their pillows every night knowing that they totally gave up on them selves and their real dreams of romantic adventure?

Men think about who and what you are! You may have much more to offer this world as a “free” man not just another breeding number…

Basically, RUN!

]]> By: Xena http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-19701 Xena Mon, 31 Oct 2011 03:26:29 +0000 http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/#comment-19701 "i view those who pressure others into reproducing no differently than i view picketers outside of an abortion clinic." Yes, I think anti-abortionists are the ultimate "oopsers". Sorry about what's happening to your friends. “i view those who pressure others into reproducing no differently than i view picketers outside of an abortion clinic.”

Yes, I think anti-abortionists are the ultimate “oopsers”. Sorry about what’s happening to your friends.

]]> By: britgirl http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-19695 britgirl Sun, 30 Oct 2011 00:43:54 +0000 http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/#comment-19695 It's actually very relevant and thanks for sharing. It's a real shame when people bring pressure to bear on those they purportedly love in order to get something they want. And it is very arrogant for one to think they know "what's best" for another person. Yet when it comes to children those who have them seem to feel that gives them carte blanche to tell other s they need to have them - as do those who want them. It’s actually very relevant and thanks for sharing. It’s a real shame when people bring pressure to bear on those they purportedly love in order to get something they want. And it is very arrogant for one to think they know “what’s best” for another person. Yet when it comes to children those who have them seem to feel that gives them carte blanche to tell other s they need to have them – as do those who want them.

]]> By: resi http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-19691 resi Sat, 29 Oct 2011 22:45:20 +0000 http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/#comment-19691 thank you for this blog. in this society we need much more of this and much less of the pressure to reproduce. i have no less than five friends whose girlfriends/wives felt that it was their duty to decide for them it was time to "grow up". two of them are really good fathers who did the right thing and left, fought for as much custody as they could get and do everything in their power to raise their daughters well and combat the obviously insane influence of the mother. two of them gave in to the pressure to "grow up" completely, stayed with the mother and battle frequent fits of depression, alcoholism, and suicidal urges. the last one had been about to leave his baby obsessed girlfriend when he found out she was pregnant. now he's staying and drinks himself to sleep every night as he mourns the passing of the slightest possibility of ever having the life he wanted. i view those who pressure others into reproducing no differently than i view picketers outside of an abortion clinic. it's sick and it's wrong and it's arrogant to believe you know what is best for another. sorry. this might not even be that relevant to your blog, but even though i am a woman the societal standard that men owe women babies has seriously affected my life and the lives of friends that i am very close to. it starts with pressure and talking down to them about still being children and if they don't cave in to that it ends with deceit. what happened to the last man i mentioned is very fresh and he is very close to me and it hurts to watch him die a little every time i talk to him. i'm just venting thank you for this blog. in this society we need much more of this and much less of the pressure to reproduce. i have no less than five friends whose girlfriends/wives felt that it was their duty to decide for them it was time to “grow up”. two of them are really good fathers who did the right thing and left, fought for as much custody as they could get and do everything in their power to raise their daughters well and combat the obviously insane influence of the mother. two of them gave in to the pressure to “grow up” completely, stayed with the mother and battle frequent fits of depression, alcoholism, and suicidal urges. the last one had been about to leave his baby obsessed girlfriend when he found out she was pregnant. now he’s staying and drinks himself to sleep every night as he mourns the passing of the slightest possibility of ever having the life he wanted. i view those who pressure others into reproducing no differently than i view picketers outside of an abortion clinic. it’s sick and it’s wrong and it’s arrogant to believe you know what is best for another. sorry. this might not even be that relevant to your blog, but even though i am a woman the societal standard that men owe women babies has seriously affected my life and the lives of friends that i am very close to. it starts with pressure and talking down to them about still being children and if they don’t cave in to that it ends with deceit. what happened to the last man i mentioned is very fresh and he is very close to me and it hurts to watch him die a little every time i talk to him. i’m just venting

]]> By: AVMysterrie http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-19682 AVMysterrie Wed, 26 Oct 2011 04:33:20 +0000 http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/#comment-19682 Hello all! First off I would like to convey how horrible I feel for the men who are forced into having kids by others. Being a young woman it never really crossed my mind that men were pressured as well. Coming from a Catholic family, my grandparents and my parents' generation in our family have been heavy on the getting married and having kids. We're not talking one or two but upwards of six. I also am looked down upon for being in my 20s, dating, not engaged and not having a child yet. Two of my cousins got pregnant at the same time and it weighed heavily on me as they weren't engaged or married. It was actually quite an ordeal for my boyfriend due to my emotions/ hormones raging. Before we started dating we had talked about kids and had agreed that we both want to be able to give our kids the best possible life, which wasn't then and still isn't now. Of course that didn't stop me from calling him up right away and saying I wanted kids. To my shock he actually said yes which rightfully left me dumbfounded. I've gone through a few phases like that but after each one I make sure to re-explain that now is not the time for kids no matter what. In fact I will admit I never even thought about how my boyfriend felt, which does make me a crappy girlfriend, I admit. One must understand also that before he knew me, my boyfriend had gotten a girl pregnant. He didn't know this and she only told him she had been AFTER she had had an abortion, so he is understandably already "jumpy" about having kids. (In my lapses of judgement I have occasionally forgotten this and when I remember it kills me). Still after reading things from guys like Mark & Josh, I do feel for them. If it came down to it and my boyfriend did say that he didn't want kids I would probably need a day or two to myself, just so that mentally I could prepare myself so to speak. I love kids and have an affinity for them. I mean after raising twelve cousins and various family members' kids I know how unpleasant it can be. There are times I can't wait to give them back. Still I digress, if it came down to it I would stay with my boyfriend. I have already faced the issue of possibly being infertile and I didn't choose my boyfriend for just kids. I love him for him. I find it unfair that both sexes are practically forced into having children. In my family it will be blasphemy if I don't but I hate being considered a breeding piece of meat. The way I see it now is that when my boyfriend and I do engage in sex I give him the option of wearing a condom or not. I am on the pill already and it is his choice if he wants the extra protection. So far he's refused and should I get pregnant, well that'll be something we'll deal with together. We are perfectly clear about what we want and how we feel about kids and I feel that if by some slim chance the pill fails and no condom was used that it was meant to be. In our relationship I am not our to ensnare him like I said we both really aren't ready. Plus there is the issue of him running out of the relationship. That is the last thing I want and he comes first. If I can't keep him in a relationship well then that's how it's gonna be. An innocent child should not have to suffer or be used as a pawn. I just refuse to do that as it goes against my morals. We also think that you don't need to be married to raise a child which I personally think is a good thing. The way I see it is since we both know how we feel the ball is in his court. If he wants us to get married he will propose and when/if he is ready for a child he will bring it up. If he doesn't then that's it. If he does well that'll be a new adventure. Still I must add that I feel so sorry for the men who feel pressured into having kids. It is wrong and I wish you all the best of luck with finding your own happiness. You aren't "kiddults". In fact, I might even use it in a playful way to describe my boyfriend because I love the childlike side he still has. You all just need to try and take pride in yourselves. Don't let some bitches bring you down. Hello all!

First off I would like to convey how horrible I feel for the men who are forced into having kids by others. Being a young woman it never really crossed my mind that men were pressured as well. Coming from a Catholic family, my grandparents and my parents’ generation in our family have been heavy on the getting married and having kids. We’re not talking one or two but upwards of six. I also am looked down upon for being in my 20s, dating, not engaged and not having a child yet. Two of my cousins got pregnant at the same time and it weighed heavily on me as they weren’t engaged or
married.
It was actually quite an ordeal for my boyfriend due to my emotions/ hormones raging. Before we started dating we had talked about kids and had agreed that we both want to be able to give our kids the best possible life, which wasn’t then and still isn’t now. Of course that didn’t stop me from calling him up right away and saying I wanted kids. To my shock he actually said yes which rightfully left me dumbfounded. I’ve gone through a few phases like that but after each one I make sure to re-explain that now is not the time for kids no matter what. In fact I will admit I never even thought about how my boyfriend felt, which does make me a crappy girlfriend, I admit. One must understand also that before he knew me, my boyfriend had gotten a girl pregnant. He didn’t know this and she only told him she had been AFTER she had had an abortion, so he is understandably already “jumpy” about having kids. (In my lapses of judgement I have occasionally forgotten this and when I remember it kills me).

Still after reading things from guys like Mark & Josh, I do feel for them. If it came down to it and my boyfriend did say that he didn’t want kids I would probably need a day or two to myself, just so that mentally I could prepare myself so to speak.

I love kids and have an affinity for them. I mean after raising twelve cousins and various family members’ kids I know how unpleasant it can be. There are times I can’t wait to give them back. Still I digress, if it came down to it I would stay with my boyfriend. I have already faced the issue of possibly being infertile and I didn’t choose my boyfriend
for just kids. I love him for him.

I find it unfair that both sexes are practically forced into having children. In my family it will be blasphemy if I don’t but I hate being considered a breeding piece of meat. The way I see it now is that when my boyfriend and I do engage in sex I give him the option of wearing a condom or not. I am on the pill already and it is his choice if he wants the extra protection. So far he’s refused and should I get pregnant, well that’ll be something we’ll deal with together. We are perfectly clear about what we want and how we feel about kids and I feel that if by some slim chance the pill fails and no condom was used that it was meant to be. In our relationship I am not our to ensnare him like I said we both really aren’t ready. Plus there is the issue of him running out of the relationship. That is the last thing I want and he comes first. If I can’t keep him in a relationship well then that’s how it’s gonna be. An innocent child should not have to suffer or be used as a pawn. I just refuse to do that as it goes against my morals.

We also think that you don’t need to be married to raise a child which I personally think is a good thing. The way I see it is since we both know how we feel the ball is in his court. If he wants us to get married he will propose and when/if he is ready for a child he will bring it up.

If he doesn’t then that’s it. If he does well that’ll be a new adventure.
Still I must add that I feel so sorry for the men who feel pressured into having kids. It is wrong and I wish you all the best of luck with finding your own happiness. You aren’t “kiddults”. In fact, I might even use it in a playful way to describe my boyfriend because I love the childlike side he still has. You all just need to try and take pride in yourselves. Don’t let some bitches bring you down.

]]> By: Rick http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-19253 Rick Sun, 19 Jun 2011 20:07:45 +0000 http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/#comment-19253 I must say, I never considered the teenagers with peer pressure analogy. I like that, it's clever. I don't think that adults and teenagers are as different as people want to think. Most of the time the only real difference is what they want and not why they want it. So from an adults standpoint the teenager wants something that the adult doesn't so the adult will label the teenagers decisions as immature, when the adults decisions are just as much based on social perceptions, peer pressure, and just plain self interest. So when someone makes a different life decision, like being childfree, the critics tend to label it as immature. I must say, I never considered the teenagers with peer pressure analogy. I like that, it’s clever.

I don’t think that adults and teenagers are as different as people want to think. Most of the time the only real difference is what they want and not why they want it. So from an adults standpoint the teenager wants something that the adult doesn’t so the adult will label the teenagers decisions as immature, when the adults decisions are just as much based on social perceptions, peer pressure, and just plain self interest. So when someone makes a different life decision, like being childfree, the critics tend to label it as immature.

]]> By: Scott http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-19248 Scott Fri, 17 Jun 2011 23:25:56 +0000 http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/#comment-19248 I went through a phase where I wondered what was wrong with me because I didn't want kids. Maybe I was afraid to grow up? I got over it. I realized something that we tell teenagers all the time -- don't give in to peer pressure just to be cool. Don't do things you know are not right for you just because you're afraid to stand out. Frankly, if you become a dad just to prove to someone somewhere that you're an adult and not a kid anymore, then I feel sorry for your child(ren) and for you. When you do something thoughtlessly just to avoid being branded with a stupid label, THAT is immaturity. When you judge people as less than you just because they made different life decisions, THAT is immaturity. I went through a phase where I wondered what was wrong with me because I didn’t want kids. Maybe I was afraid to grow up?

I got over it. I realized something that we tell teenagers all the time — don’t give in to peer pressure just to be cool. Don’t do things you know are not right for you just because you’re afraid to stand out. Frankly, if you become a dad just to prove to someone somewhere that you’re an adult and not a kid anymore, then I feel sorry for your child(ren) and for you. When you do something thoughtlessly just to avoid being branded with a stupid label, THAT is immaturity. When you judge people as less than you just because they made different life decisions, THAT is immaturity.

]]> By: Steve Timm http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-19239 Steve Timm Thu, 16 Jun 2011 05:38:44 +0000 http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/#comment-19239 I just read this posting and I thought I would reply.... I toatally agree with this article. I am the poster child of what this article is talking about. I am a single 33 year old guy with no wife or kids. And I have positively no wish for either. I am completely satisfied with my life as it is. I have many friends in my life so my life is far from boring. I am very involved with my church and my own hobbies so I very rarely have downtime. It seems to me that being single and childless as a lifestyle choice has not yet made it into the totally acceptable in today's society. I cannot tell you the number of people that look at me crosseyed or consider me a "Kidult" as the article defined. It is unfortunate that the people who decide not to have children are castigated yet in this society. This at least has been part of my experience in this arena. I also agree that having kids does not make you more mature or "Adult" over people who do not have kids. I have known the most immature individuals who are parents and the most mature people that are childless. Marriage and children are lifestyle options that you as an individual have to actually want to have and bring into your life. A person must take a realistic inventory of themselves and ask if they actually want to make the neccessary sacrifices that are part and parcel of having children. But I do have an immense amount of respect and admiration for people who do want children and are willing to make the neccessary sacrifices. I think those types of individuals make the best parents, because they actually want to be parents. They did not have kids by default, thusly being stuck raising them while still wanting to live the single life. Anyway................ Just my two cents on the subject!!!! Good article Britgirl!!!!!!!!! Catch you folks on the web!!! Steve Timm I just read this posting and I thought I would reply….

I toatally agree with this article. I am the poster child of what this article is talking about. I am a single 33 year old guy with no wife or kids. And I have positively no wish for either. I am completely satisfied with my life as it is. I have many friends in my life so my life is far from boring. I am very involved with my church and my own hobbies so I very rarely have downtime.

It seems to me that being single and childless as a lifestyle choice has not yet made it into the totally acceptable in today’s society. I cannot tell you the number of people that look at me crosseyed or consider me a “Kidult” as the article defined. It is unfortunate that the people who decide not to have children are castigated yet in this society. This at least has been part of my experience in this arena.

I also agree that having kids does not make you more mature or “Adult” over people who do not have kids. I have known the most immature individuals who are parents and the most mature people that are childless.

Marriage and children are lifestyle options that you as an individual have to actually want to have and bring into your life. A person must take a realistic inventory of themselves and ask if they actually want to make the neccessary sacrifices that are part and parcel of having children. But I do have an immense amount of respect and admiration for people who do want children and are willing to make the neccessary sacrifices. I think those types of individuals make the best parents, because they actually want to be parents. They did not have kids by default, thusly being stuck raising them while still wanting to live the single life. Anyway……………. Just my two cents on the subject!!!! Good article Britgirl!!!!!!!!! Catch you folks on the web!!!

Steve Timm

]]> By: Britgirl http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-19211 Britgirl Fri, 10 Jun 2011 23:55:52 +0000 http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/#comment-19211 I have always felt for the guys. Hillari. And I've always felt it gets less attention and all is not as it appears.... thanks for this comment. I think the pressure on men is there, just more insidious because it often comes from their nearest and dearest (i.e. partner) making it a no-win. As in "I want kids. I know you don't, but you'd better have kids or your life will be made (more) miserable. Besides, you'll love them once they're here. Of course you will And you'll Grow Up. And we'll be a Real Family." Needless to say there's probably no getting laid unless there's the tacit agreement that kids will be a result. I have always felt for the guys. Hillari. And I’ve always felt it gets less attention and all is not as it appears…. thanks for this comment. I think the pressure on men is there, just more insidious because it often comes from their nearest and dearest (i.e. partner) making it a no-win. As in “I want kids. I know you don’t, but you’d better have kids or your life will be made (more) miserable. Besides, you’ll love them once they’re here. Of course you will And you’ll Grow Up. And we’ll be a Real Family.” Needless to say there’s probably no getting laid unless there’s the tacit agreement that kids will be a result.

]]> By: Hillari http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-19207 Hillari Fri, 10 Jun 2011 16:48:12 +0000 http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/#comment-19207 I used to believe that men were exempt from the pressures to breed as women are. It appeared that society winked at men who had escaped from fatherhood, especially the ones who are confirmed bachelors. I also thought that it was easier for men to state their lack of interest in fatherhood. Since they are not the ones who carry the kids for nine months, I assumed most just shrugged when a man says he's childfree (while jumping down a woman's throat because she won't finagle a man into geting her pregnant). But now I see that is not the case. My advice to any man who is on the fence about being a father, or knows he doesn't want to go down that road: run like hell from any woman who has that twinkle of baby rabies about her. I don't know what to say to the guys who are already married, and their wives are pressuring them into bringing home another mouth to feed. . . . that has to be a tough situation. I feel for the men. I used to believe that men were exempt from the pressures to breed as women are. It appeared that society winked at men who had escaped from fatherhood, especially the ones who are confirmed bachelors. I also thought that it was easier for men to state their lack of interest in fatherhood. Since they are not the ones who carry the kids for nine months, I assumed most just shrugged when a man says he’s childfree (while jumping down a woman’s throat because she won’t finagle a man into geting her pregnant). But now I see that is not the case.

My advice to any man who is on the fence about being a father, or knows he doesn’t want to go down that road: run like hell from any woman who has that twinkle of baby rabies about her. I don’t know what to say to the guys who are already married, and their wives are pressuring them into bringing home another mouth to feed. . . . that has to be a tough situation. I feel for the men.

]]> By: GregH http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-19160 GregH Wed, 25 May 2011 06:50:58 +0000 http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/#comment-19160 Hi Mark, Let me be quite blunt and brutal. If you dont have the need to breed, its because you arent meant to. Simple as that. Im 54 and have lost 5 wonderful women that have travelled through my life because I didnt want kids. Dont know why, I just didnt have the feeling for it as you dont. If your lady has the need to bread, thats just the way it is. Life is tough. Be grateful you found out before it was too late. A lot of men go through it and realise later they made a mistake. Some take off abandoning thier families,leaving destruction everywhere. Its commendable to know and acknowledge the way you feel about this. Grant your partner the right to have children and be grateful you shared some part of her life. Others will come along when the time is ready. I have been called selfish for my actions, but I think its the oposite. You have another purpose my friend and raisng kids isnt it. Take care Hi Mark,
Let me be quite blunt and brutal. If you dont have the need to breed, its because you arent meant to. Simple as that. Im 54 and have lost 5 wonderful women that have travelled through my life because I didnt want kids. Dont know why, I just didnt have the feeling for it as you dont. If your lady has the need to bread, thats just the way it is. Life is tough. Be grateful you found out before it was too late. A lot of men go through it and realise later they made a mistake. Some take off abandoning thier families,leaving destruction everywhere. Its commendable to know and acknowledge the way you feel about this. Grant your partner the right to have children and be grateful you shared some part of her life. Others will come along when the time is ready. I have been called selfish for my actions, but I think its the oposite. You have another purpose my friend and raisng kids isnt it.
Take care

]]> By: Josh http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-18965 Josh Wed, 06 Apr 2011 17:59:52 +0000 http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/#comment-18965 Mark, first of all, I'm very sorry that you're dealing with this. I can definitely relate and it's not a good experience. I agree with Britgirl that counseling may be a good idea, as long as you pick the right one, especially if you're also experiencing depression. It is absolutely necessary that you clearly discuss your feelings and reasons for them with your wife. If that can't be done without it turning ugly, then that's another reason to try counseling. It may look hopeless now, but it doesn't have to be. With the right help you can work through this if you're both willing to. Even though I failed, I know of people who did get through it and realized that what they had was too good to give up. I hope that it does work out for you. Good luck! Mark, first of all, I’m very sorry that you’re dealing with this. I can definitely relate and it’s not a good experience. I agree with Britgirl that counseling may be a good idea, as long as you pick the right one, especially if you’re also experiencing depression. It is absolutely necessary that you clearly discuss your feelings and reasons for them with your wife. If that can’t be done without it turning ugly, then that’s another reason to try counseling.

It may look hopeless now, but it doesn’t have to be. With the right help you can work through this if you’re both willing to. Even though I failed, I know of people who did get through it and realized that what they had was too good to give up. I hope that it does work out for you. Good luck!

]]> By: Britgirl http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-18963 Britgirl Wed, 06 Apr 2011 02:42:14 +0000 http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/#comment-18963 @Mark - Thanks for sharing, sorry for what you are going through. Perhaps you and Josh can connect on this as he has been through this experience and as another guy he will know how you feel. My other suggestion is to read through the posts on this blog... you will discover you are not alone. It might not be a ton of comfort, but at least here you know that there are people who do understand. Having a child when you do not want one isn't an "ultimate act of love" but saying it is just because you want one IS emotional blackmail. Have you shared your feelings with your wife? I mean really talked things through and listed all the reasons as you have here? Ideally you both need to talk with someone, but as you say the last thing you want is a "counsellor" with kids who is biased... If you could find someone who really listened to you, that may also help. You don't have to agree with or take their advice. A childfree counsellor or confidante would be ideal. @Mark – Thanks for sharing, sorry for what you are going through.
Perhaps you and Josh can connect on this as he has been through this experience and as another guy he will know how you feel. My other suggestion is to read through the posts on this blog… you will discover you are not alone. It might not be a ton of comfort, but at least here you know that there are people who do understand. Having a child when you do not want one isn’t an “ultimate act of love” but saying it is just because you want one IS emotional blackmail.
Have you shared your feelings with your wife? I mean really talked things through and listed all the reasons as you have here? Ideally you both need to talk with someone, but as you say the last thing you want is a “counsellor” with kids who is biased… If you could find someone who really listened to you, that may also help. You don’t have to agree with or take their advice. A childfree counsellor or confidante would be ideal.

]]> By: Mark http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-18962 Mark Tue, 05 Apr 2011 19:04:30 +0000 http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/#comment-18962 Hi Everyone, I just found this community after searching for Why men don't want kids. I'm in the exact same situation as Josh and I don't know what to do. I'm constantly sad, depressed and have even thought about ending my life...I doubt I would. It's just the pain of losing my best friend and wife of over 10 years because she wants kids and I don't . The only difference between Josh and me is that my wife or me never talked about the subject before getting married. She just thought that one day we would have them and in my mind they never came up because I just never thought about being a dad, but I do know for a 100 percent fact that I don't kids now that the subject has been brought up. I have no feelings toward kids whatsoever and have no desire to be a dad or do things a dad would do. My wife claims it would be the ultimate act of love, but that makes no sense to me. To me, marrying each other was the ultimate act of love. We've never had any real problems except for this. The way I see it is she married me for me, cause she wanted to be with me and not just for having baby. In many ways that makes me feel like our relationship has been a lie. She's willing to throw away our home, our dog, our live, our friendships for a child....keep in mind a child that doesn't even exist. I feel so sick and depressed and don't know what to do. We also can't afford the child as I only make around $13,000 a year and she makes just a little more then me. We both have debt and neither of us can surive without the others income. If we did split I would become homeless. I have no where to go and can't afford a place. That's a small issue as the big issue is losing the women I love more then anything in this world. I'm a good man who honors my wife, but I just can't have a kid to make her happy and her happy alone. It's not like buying a dog. Your bringing a new life into this world that you are responsible forever. Let's say we did have a kid and she was happy I wouldn't be. Let's say we did have a kid and I was happy with a kid then I'm sure the stress of life, money, debt and her wanting the baby more then me would affect our marriage. I wouldn't mind going to see a consulor or something, but the truth is they can't really give advice on something they are not going through or living. They can tell people what to do or give advice, but at the end of the day it's not their lives their affecting. It's mine. I see Josh's relationship ended in divorce and I don't want that, but I also want to live a happy life. I need someone to talk too, please can anywhere provide me any types of words or support Mark Hi Everyone,

I just found this community after searching for Why men don’t want kids. I’m in the exact same situation as Josh and I don’t know what to do. I’m constantly sad, depressed and have even thought about ending my life…I doubt I would. It’s just the pain of losing my best friend and wife of over 10 years because she wants kids and I don’t .

The only difference between Josh and me is that my wife or me never talked about the subject before getting married. She just thought that one day we would have them and in my mind they never came up because I just never thought about being a dad, but I do know for a 100 percent fact that I don’t kids now that the subject has been brought up. I have no feelings toward kids whatsoever and have no desire to be a dad or do things a dad would do.

My wife claims it would be the ultimate act of love, but that makes no sense to me. To me, marrying each other was the ultimate act of love. We’ve never had any real problems except for this. The way I see it is she married me for me, cause she wanted to be with me and not just for having baby. In many ways that makes me feel like our relationship has been a lie. She’s willing to throw away our home, our dog, our live, our friendships for a child….keep in mind a child that doesn’t even exist.

I feel so sick and depressed and don’t know what to do. We also can’t afford the child as I only make around $13,000 a year and she makes just a little more then me. We both have debt and neither of us can surive without the others income. If we did split I would become homeless. I have no where to go and can’t afford a place.

That’s a small issue as the big issue is losing the women I love more then anything in this world. I’m a good man who honors my wife, but I just can’t have a kid to make her happy and her happy alone. It’s not like buying a dog. Your bringing a new life into this world that you are responsible forever.

Let’s say we did have a kid and she was happy I wouldn’t be. Let’s say we did have a kid and I was happy with a kid then I’m sure the stress of life, money, debt and her wanting the baby more then me would affect our marriage.

I wouldn’t mind going to see a consulor or something, but the truth is they can’t really give advice on something they are not going through or living. They can tell people what to do or give advice, but at the end of the day it’s not their lives their affecting. It’s mine.

I see Josh’s relationship ended in divorce and I don’t want that, but I also want to live a happy life. I need someone to talk too, please can anywhere provide me any types of words or support

Mark

]]> By: John http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/comment-page-1/#comment-18960 John Tue, 05 Apr 2011 17:56:48 +0000 http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/#comment-18960 Hi UK, I'm going through the exact and I mean the exact same situation as you. I love my wife more then anything else. We've been together for over 10 years which includes being together high school. Sadly, we never talked about having children. She never brought it up and neither did I. A big mistake looking back. I just never really thought of having children. All I know I wanted was to have a home, a wife and a dog. She is my best friend and we both have years, money and time invested. If we were to seperate I honestly would be homeless as I can't afford our home without her help. I love her, but I have no feelings toward kids whatsoever, plus I've done the math and there is no way we could afford a child. I make 12,000 a year and she makes around 15,000 a year. I don't know what to do and need some serious advice. If I stick to my not waiting to have kids it could end our relationship which would kill me. She means everything to me, but if I gave in and had kids I would live the rest of my life being unhappy. Putting on a fake smile and who knows what that added pressure of debit, stress and unhappiness can do to a marriage. I've been crying almost every day trying to figure this out, but sadly I just can't see a situation here. I know it's been a while since you posted this update, but would love to know how things ended up for you and your women. Thank You John Hi UK,

I’m going through the exact and I mean the exact same situation as you. I love my wife more then anything else. We’ve been together for over 10 years which includes being together high school. Sadly, we never talked about having children. She never brought it up and neither did I. A big mistake looking back. I just never really thought of having children. All I know I wanted was to have a home, a wife and a dog.

She is my best friend and we both have years, money and time invested. If we were to seperate I honestly would be homeless as I can’t afford our home without her help. I love her, but I have no feelings toward kids whatsoever, plus I’ve done the math and there is no way we could afford a child. I make 12,000 a year and she makes around 15,000 a year.

I don’t know what to do and need some serious advice. If I stick to my not waiting to have kids it could end our relationship which would kill me. She means everything to me, but if I gave in and had kids I would live the rest of my life being unhappy. Putting on a fake smile and who knows what that added pressure of debit, stress and unhappiness can do to a marriage.

I’ve been crying almost every day trying to figure this out, but sadly I just can’t see a situation here. I know it’s been a while since you posted this update, but would love to know how things ended up for you and your women.

Thank You
John

]]> By: Britgirl http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/comment-page-1/#comment-18887 Britgirl Mon, 14 Mar 2011 03:12:03 +0000 http://thebritgirl.com/2008/01/09/on-men-kidults-and-not-wanting-kids/#comment-18887 If you'll pardon the expression he needs to shit or get off the pot.Make the marriage work together with his wife or leave it. If he's unhappy and knowingly stays in the same situation then he is either willingly staying the situation or not prepared to change it. It's hard luck that life hasn't turned out to be smooth sailing but it still takes 2 to tango. He didn't listen to you when you tried to tell him, he got married helped make babies and, surprise! his wife - and life - changed. I tried to feel sorry for him, but if he really wants his life back he can get it back. It will cost him, but he can do it. I know there are many people who regret they had kids... usually when it's too late and they are already firmly here. You don't say how old they are but it sounds like they are young, and if so those kids need their father. If he doesn't love his wife that's one thing... and bad enough but those children didn't ask to be born and they deserve his love. If you’ll pardon the expression he needs to shit or get off the pot.Make the marriage work together with his wife or leave it. If he’s unhappy and knowingly stays in the same situation then he is either willingly staying the situation or not prepared to change it. It’s hard luck that life hasn’t turned out to be smooth sailing but it still takes 2 to tango. He didn’t listen to you when you tried to tell him, he got married helped make babies and, surprise! his wife – and life – changed. I tried to feel sorry for him, but if he really wants his life back he can get it back. It will cost him, but he can do it.

I know there are many people who regret they had kids… usually when it’s too late and they are already firmly here. You don’t say how old they are but it sounds like they are young, and if so those kids need their father. If he doesn’t love his wife that’s one thing… and bad enough but those children didn’t ask to be born and they deserve his love.

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