You’re Childfree? How Did You Decide? Why Did You..? When Did You…?
22 01 2008I was going to do a blog about the current crop protruding tummies sported by “celeb moms” but I changed my mind. I actually changed it when I read Lisa’s comment and the resulting comments on trying to decide where one falls on the childfree continuum when deciding whether or not they want to stay childfree. I’m also doing it because I’ve noticed as people discover this blog and they are considering being childfree they can see that being childfree is a valid choice. As always, my posts are always enhanced and enriched by your comments and views.
Lisa’s question is a good reminder that some people are actually discovering that not having children, being childfree is not only possible, but that it is a great choice, and for the vast majority of childfree people, not an afterthought. It’s a choice that is worth considering, but with our pro-natal society it’s a choice that’s never ever presented to the vast majority of men and women.
So, most people do follow the well trodden path of “get married, have kids…” because they’ve never realized there is any other way. Having children is dressed up to be the be-all and end-all of a woman’s life. Women who don’t have children are pitied and even now in the 21st century, women who say that they choose not to have children or that they don’t want children are scorned and ridiculed. Meanwhile what are the reasons given for having children?
You know them all… and you know there are more.
It’s what you do, isn’t it?
Who will look after you when you’re sick or old?
It proves you’re a woman… or it proves you’re a responsible grown-up man…
It’s fulfilling the maternal instinct…
All women want children
You can’t be happy unless you’ve had children
Sister/brother/friends/other are all having kids and you want one too..
It’s the way to make your family complete Or, it’s the way to make your family, period.
Just want one. Always dreamed of having a large family/a boy/a girl/twins etc
None of these are good enough reasons to have kids, but since people don’t really give much thought before popping out the babies, nobody worries about that.
Meanwhile, should you not want to have children and you articulate it, you’re almost always told you will change your mind/when you get older/when you meet The One, blah, blah, blah. The first articulation of wanting to be childfree is rarely taken seriously. Neither is the second or even the third. Welcome to bingo time!
Whatever the reason you’ve decided to be childfree, you will not be a wilting flower. You’ll definitely have a spine, or you’ll have the balls to be able to stand up for yourself… in short you’ll be made of pretty tough stuff, not someone who just falls into re-producing because it’s what everyone does.
It isn’t easy to buck the status quo – but it is entirely do-able. The best asset you’ll have is your ability and willingness to stop, think and consider. Not only, why do I want kids, but what are the consequences of having them? What will be the impact on your relationship/s? And can you live with that impact? What’s the impact on you? And even the child? I find that childed people either never consider these questions, or blithely say “oh, you’ll be all right, after all it’s different when they are your own” – so we’re told. And, if you have a partner, they must be supportive and on the same wavelength – or you’re in trouble. Also, reading childfree books are a must-do.
I also find that very few childed actually feature the child in their zeal to convert the childfree over to the realm of parenting and babies. It’s all about them.
As far as my decision to be childfree – my own came through my husband and I talking, thinking very hard about the pros and the cons, considering and especially thinking about what it would mean to our relationship. My husband didn’t really want to be a father – but if I’d wanted children he would have tried his best to be the best he could be. I didn’t want to force him to do something he wasn’t fully on board with…. and I didn’t want children enough anyway.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized I did not have to believe the slick advertising to reproduce – as far as I was concerned we were being sold a bill of goods.
Having kids was not a bed of roses and from my observations of the parents I knew, was more prison-like than they cared to let on. As much as people kept telling me it was “worth it” I didn’t believe them. I could think for myself, therefore I could make my own choices about what was right for me and for us. And it was as simple as that… we decided we didn’t want to have kids.
It was the right decision.
Technorati Tags: childfree, childfree, childfree
lisa, what i would say is think about your reasons why you want children, think about the future, a baby doesnt stay a baby it will turn into a sullen teenager, think about how you could help more people by not having a child, you say your a teacher and thats great wish i had the patience, you are helping so many more children, talk to your hubbie, make sure you BOTH know what you want as having a child should be a non negotiable point in a relationship. and IF you do decide to have a child teach it to be a proper human, rather than the feral monsters we have.
i think a lot of male childfree are in the same situation as your hubbie britgirl. (i will tak about it and use the male view as i am one it doesnt mean i hate women or put it at her feet men do it too, i just use the male pronoun as a base point)
it seems to be harder for a man to state he may not want kids for whatever reason, the peace and quiet from her nagging to thinking it will make her happy, or even if i refuse then she may divorce me and i will have no money and nothing. to MY mind society focuses on if a woman wants a child the man has no right to refuse. this is slowly changing. in the past few months i have seen at least 4 male cf’s have appeared, it used to be me and a couple of others. now theres about a dozen of us..
why are men not able to explain why they dont want kids, i dont know really. perhaps in some cases the woman doesnt listen to him when he says NO KIDS. or she thinks he will change his mind.. but since coming out as a cf man, i feel no pressure and i feel happy.
that being said i know some men who’s partners want to oops them, they want a baby at any cost, and we men have seen so many and heard so many stories about these kinds of women, that its scary that they think its right to lie to cheat just to get that child. I am not advocating avoiding all women(or all men), just to be careful of them as a person with baby rabies will do whatever they wish to have a child. i do admit there are breeder brain males.
lisa, what i would say is think about your reasons why you want children, think about the future, a baby doesnt stay a baby it will turn into a sullen teenager,think about can i help more people by not having a child, you say your a teacher and thats great wish i had the patience, you are helping so many more children, talk to your hubbie, make sure you BOTH know what you want as having a child should be a non negotiable point in a relationship. and if you do decide to have a child teach it to be a proper human, rather than the feral monsters we have.
Cf man. For me, the most important issue is, that you have a choice. And the most difficult part of making that choice, is that other people expect you to conform. I avoid expressing my decision, and sometimes feel like the great pretender. But I think, there is no way out of the child-centered society, and take part as most others. I like to think of myself as good parent-material, and enjoy being around kids, but prefer they belong to someone else. Once you discovered the true face of parenthood, you get a lot of new arguments for not producing. And then its the environment.
lurker there is a way out, and we are taking it, we dont have to conform to the idea..
thats why i like these sites we knbow we arent alone anymore
Merucurior. Well written and interesting comments in this blog.
All I have been doing is looking into why I would want children and I am finding more reasons why I would not. My teaching experience is with 12-13 year olds, that can convey enough information. In response to my husband’s decision — I think he only said he would have a child because that is what he was programmed to say. He is devasted by his change of mind because of the affect it may have on me and our future (he knows I am exploring my own feelings). I am so proud of him for finding and expressing what is his wants and needs. This in turn has forced me to do some true soul searching. I see everyone’s point and can connect and especially relate to his and your feelings. I truly feel I am programmed as well to want kids for no other reason that I am supposed to.
All of you are also correct in the lack of support from others. I am currently trying to understand and express my views - I have heard every reason to have children and ignore my husband’s feelings. I can only imaging what their marriage is like!!
I also would like to add — THANK you for your responses, boards like this are a true help!!!
if you want to see how the world is more family orientated you could read the childfree abby they take the agony aunt columns and turn it into the cf sometimes agreeing sometimes not. well worth a read
http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/
I wanted to share my childfree story as I am new to this site. I dated many women through my 20’s and 30’s who always seemed to be suspiciously casual about birth control, which I found unsettling. Some of these relationships were long term, and I had to make doubly sure of our birth control methods. My last girlfriend before I met my wife even insisted on taking the Pill, but when I realized that I didn’t completely trust her, I knew the relationship was doomed.
Even at that time, though, I thought I’d eventually meet someone that would flip the “I want children” switch. It wasn’t until meeting my wife that I found a woman that had dared to question the inevitability of parenthood. We intially put off having children, but the more we talked about it, the more we realized that it was a choice, a HUGE, life-altering choice that needs careful reflection and consideration. After doing this, we BOTH concluded that we were happy with no children.
I think the biggest problem is the knee-jerk reaction most people have when they get married that children must inevitably follow. Forget handguns, I think there should be a mandatory waiting period prior to having children, with an emphasis on exactly how it will change your life (and your partner’s). As crazy as it sounds, people just don’t think it through. They put more thought into what movie they want to go see. Thank all of you on this site for helping to spread the word that being childfree is an option that should always be considered and is to be respected when chosen!
I decided not to have children when I was about 18 years old. My overall reasons are because I have no interest in parenting, and because there are other things I want to do with my life. How did I make this decision? I have a strong personal identity - and I listen to myself.
As a child I was impatient to grow up and be an independent person. My personal identity is important to me. I have always taken time to know and care for myself, and do the things that I enjoy.
When I was 14 I babysat a toddler for an evening for a friend of the family. It was really difficult, and I didn’t enjoy it at all. I never offered to do it again.
When I was 16 a school friend had to drop out because she was pregnant. She was no longer able to relax with her friends, and finish her education, and travelling throughout her 20s was now off the agenda. I thought that her life seeemed horrible.
When I left high school I wanted to travel, study, find a career, collect art and jewellery, read novels, listen to music, go to restaurants and see movies… I knew that I did not want to have someone fully dependent on me, or spend any time looking after a child.
That was ten years ago. People have said for years that I’ll change my mind.
I wonder how long it will take before they realise they’re wrong?
Hello, this is really interesting article and I want to say just thank you!
Always knew deep down I’d never be a mother but I took four years of my life researching the parenting and non-parenting side and the more I learned, the more I knew children weren’t for me. That and I can’t say I really like being around them very much at all.
Had a discussion with someone who felt childfree was an “extreme view” to take. It all started with him asking how my parents feel about how I live. I said that I tell them I didn’t ask to be born and they’ve no right to tell me how to live, same goes for anyone else in this world, if they’re not hurting anyone they should be left to get on with it. Then he said he hopes that when I have children he hopes I understand parental concern and regret my words. It was then I said I was childfree. If people bring it up I’ll tell them-it’s not shameful.
It came with the usual bingoes and a point that I think was more stupid than anything. Someone asked me what I’d do if my parents died tommorrow and if I’d be lonely without kids. Yes, I’d be upset but I wouldn’t be compelled to go out and breed! Another great illogical point was that if his dad wanted to beat him up, he’d let him cos it’s his dad and he has that right. WTF? I said anyone, including my parents assault me then I’ll give as good as I get.
Also a dumb point about how I should have kids even if I don’t want to because they’re wonderful. He asked what I’d do if I was really in love with a man and he wanted kids. I said I’d tell him to f*** off and be pretty upset that we had talked it through beforehand and he told me he didn’t want any. He reckons I’d breed just to keep the relationship. Hello? Does he not realise that the stress of having a kid one partner doesn’t want would push you apart?
I did try to tell said person that as he dislikes dogs, I dislike kids but love dogs. It’s a similar thing. I also explained that I’m not representative of every childfree person and that some actually work with kids. I gave him a weblink to two childfree sites (one of which is here) and he said he doesn’t want to look because “it will disturb him that there is a site for people who don’t want kids.” I explained that they’re not sites about blowing them all up and/or vivisecting them but simply a site for people who don’t want them and are childfree for various reasons. It’s amazing how the prospect of breeding can turn someone’s brain into an illogical mess.
Someone could not see any reason for high salary, unless you have kids. What else are money for? Implying Cf people have a poor life in every aspect. Tried to explain, that some people felt their own life also had (at least some…) value, even if not “blessed” with a child. In the end, all the bingo`s in the world, want change the reality of parenthood. It should be mentioned, that this comment came from a nice person, who really long for a child…not that it justifies such comment.
its not how much yu have its what you do with it.
you need a high salary because most of it gets spent on the child, if you dont need to spend the money then you dont need a high salary.
So if you have good salary, and no child, that is equal to being EXTRA selfish and worthless?
hmm..getting off track here..my apology:)
Dogess: Wow, those incidents really annoy me!
It sounds like the person was being extremely judgmental, awfully presumptuous, very mean and patronising… which is generally what I encounter when I’m being bingoed too.
I also always get told that (a) I couldn’t possibly know at my age that I don’t want children and so (b) I’ll change my mind.
Dogess - I find there are few things that are scarier than crass ignorance. But what must be worse is the willingness to stay in one’s ignorance for fear of being “disturbed” at what truths one might find. Sad. I did laugh at the vivisection bit though. As if!
Lurker /mercurior - that’s a very good point and a topic for a forthcoming post. As regards this particular post, as well as my not really having enough of an interest in parenting to want kids at all, income and salary considerations were a big part of my considerations. Unless one is a multi-millionaire, your cost of living shoots through the roof when you have children. At the same time your overall standard of living falls dramatically. What seemed like a good salary for a couple was not going to be nearly as good with a kid. I constantly hear parents complaining about not being able to afford childcare, staying home, going out, going on vacation or almost anything else that doesn’t concern kidsbecsuse they have kids. YET I was always assured “I’d get by, I’d manage and the struggle is was worth it.” Meanwhile some would be stuck in boring mediocre salaried jobs because they had kids and didn’t dare leave. Well, that wasn’t the life I wanted.
Having a big salary or more disposable income means that as a childfree person I can do more with the freedom I have as can any other cf person. I can travel, set up a business, study, develop professionally and personally, give, help others, choose to live in the location I want, to take advantage of a whole host of things that you couldn’t otherwise do (and that cost money) because of the economic realities of having kids.
I hear what you’re saying mercurior, but I have to say I am all for delivering a service and making as high a salary as I am willing to. There are plenty of worthwhile things to spend it on other than kids.
i agree as well, but the “need” for a high salary is less because you dont have those expenses.. i have seen people with jobs earning £50,000 a year and are in debt and they have kids, i have seen some cf people on, £20,000 and they live far better lives than the person earning £50,000.
thats what i meant, we may not necessarily need a 50k job, but it would be nice for the disposable income. we may not need it but we would like it
a lot of these reasons are personal, i personally want enough money to be independant. if i had a kid i would need more. quality of life rather than amount earned should be a prime indicator.
this is one of the reasons why i am cf, i dont want to bother anyone or be a bother, and money will allow that.
Some wonderful comments to this post. I just wanted to mention my admiration for Lisa and her husband. First for him realizing that having children wasn’t what he wanted and having the courage to speak up to his wife. Second to Lisa for having the strength of character to listen to her husband and use the opportunity to do some thinking and exploring of the idea of being childfree on her own. Whichever way you decide is totally irrelevant, Lisa, I say congratulations for actually taking the time to “think” about your decision!
Hearing about someone taking the time to do that gives me hope! I wish many others would follow in your footsteps. The decision to be childfree or have children is personal and relevant only to the person/people making that decision. I have no right to comment on the worth of that decision (despite the bingos I’ve received). I just want more people to actually take the time to think about what they actually want before doing anything.
Bravo to you, Lisa!
Britgirl. Thank you for a well written and interesting blog, with equal comments.
For me, the most important reason to not have children, is the freedom a CF life offers. This can be freedom to make a quick turn in life, or the freedom to not worry so much about what happens tomorrow. Also concerns about the environment, and for producing a disabled child (which is just as much worth as a healthy one, but would alter your life many times more). Finaly, the planet do not need more humans.
Even if Lisa consider the “dark side”, what are the chances they end up going separate ways?
..
What is the “dark side” ?? If it is a thought-out personal choice, it is not dark. If I choose a child, I do it alone. I would never force that upon anyone that did not want it 100%. If I choose CF, our chances of going our separate ways are equal to any other couple that are completely open, honest and confident in their choices. Therefore, less likely than most of the childed, desperate marraiges I witness all around.
I work with children with disabilities. This is something you accept by choosing to have a child, this is also one strong reason to be CF. You must have energy, patience, and resources to support a child with a disability. Life will never be easy. I do not think many parents even consider life like this and then end up resenting the child, the partner, and themselves.
lisa i think he is using the “dark side” as an expression of a lifestyle that isnt according to the breeders normal. the opposite side. to the standard breed breed breed,
being childfree is still a minority view. and contrary to the ideas of many so its “dark”
I’ve caved and finally created a Blogger so I can keep up w/you on a more regular basis. I’m still using MySpace but now I’m considering blogging myself. What can I say - you’re an inspiration!
Here’s my answer to your blog’s question:
I’m an only child w/few relatives so aside from school and the associated activities - I never spent much time around children. During my late teens and twenties I put so much effort into NOT getting pregnant that the thought of actually having a child [and keeping it] never once occurred to me.
Toward the end of my twenties, I met my now husband and when the topic of children arose, he said he never wanted them either, so our ending-up together was kismet.
After a health-scare one year into our marriage I could no longer take BC pills so my husband had a vasectomy and we’ve never looked back. All of our friends know we’re never going to reproduce so it is not even a topic up for discussion.
Besides never wanting kids – genetically, I just shouldn’t breed. Too many issues to deal w/myself – why take the chance of passing them on to someone who never asked for them? That never seemed fair to me…
BTW, I linked to you - hope that’s okay? =)
Thanks mercurior - I could just see both sides as being described as “dark” - I wish people who decided on what was “dark” would only give that label to a life without choice.
Mercurior, thanks for explaining. Lisa, I just believe its important that a couple agree on the child-issue. Otherwise it can be bitterness in the long run. I agree it is nothing wrong about either choice, but still in todays society, Cf-choice is not fully accepted by many. For most Cf-by choice I have met, the decision seem to be well thought-out. I made my definite decision for about 3 years ago. In the aftermath, I have evaluated my choice, due to a girlfriends influence. But even if I like children, I have not yet been influenced to change my mind on parenting.
I am sorry if I misunderstand, I am new and am trying to find my way . . . But I do agree and firmly feel that everyone has this decision to make and should not change solely for another because that would damage all involved. In order for any relationship to work, you must be in agreement on these fundamental issues.
Lisa. Could not agree with you more. I have just joined this blog myself.
dont worry lisa, we are a friendly lot here. its the opposite of whats expected is frequently called dark.
Lisa, I am sorry if I was unclear. I can see how “dark side” can be misunderstood. I am not originally english-speaking, so this might add some extra misunderstandings to my comments. Anyway, I now understand why some many find their way here, its a place to get some support for the Cf-choice.
I don’t know if I ever had an “a-ha” moment, I was just never the girl who played house, or pretended to be married, or imagined having children. From an early age I was very well aware of the monetary struggle that children were. My parents sacrificed their needs so we could have new sneakers, violin lessons and tutors. My cousin, who is 14 years older then me, got pregnant at 19 and subsequently got married and had 5 children and I witnessed the struggles, sacrifice and insanity inherent in a household with 5 children. I also witnessed how when the going got tough, her husband got going, leaving her wtih 5 children to raise.
I think what solidified my “decision” was a conversation I had with my Aunt one day over coffee. She hesitantly got married in the 50s, had a child and separated from her abusive husband shortly thereafter. To me, she was a super successful business woman. She confessed she saw herself as a super lousy mother who had to leave her daughter with Grandma in order to have career success and provide for her family and she wish someone taught her life’s most important lesson; you can’t have it all. You cannot be super successful in your career, marriage, parenting, friendships and hobbies all at the same time. It hit me hard how right she was and how lucky I was not to be “bingoed” by her. She said it “like it is,” something that too few are able to do.
Shortly after that I broke up with a long time boyfriend who I had to be honest with, he was 2.4 kids and a house with a white picket fence and a stay at home wife, I was a jet-setting, briefcase carrying soon to be college graduate who thought maybe someday I’d have dogs.
A successful career, equal marriage, 23 foreign countries and 2 dogs later and people still try to make me feel like I’m missing something, and I say I am, I still have 3 more continents to visit!
I’m not nearly as prolific of a writer on the childfree topic as Britgirl, but I have a few musings under my belt: Explosive Bombchelle Childfree
Bombshell. That was prolific. Have you ever regret you decision?
Lurker, the only time I feel regret is when I see a child deprived, one whose parent was too selfish to realize they did not have the time, energy, money or commitment to be a good parent before launching themselves down that path. I have never wanted to have my own, but occasionally a random child will effect me in such a way that I want to scoop them up and bring them into my family so they have a chance in life.
Something I have issues articulating and addressing are some of the odd biological responses as I approach the end of my natural fertility cycle. Sometimes nature has a funny way of messing with your head, but if we always followed our natural instincts without thinking each of us would have probably clubbed a co-worker to death by now.
Is it instict for having a child or is it instinct to conform? I am in my mid-thirties, but already start to think I am getting too old for children. Imagine wakenings through nights, feedings, changing dipers, kindergarten, school, high-school, driving-license…etc. I sometimes think it would be fulfilling to have children, because I grew up in a family of four, and wonder if I will regret in future. Despite of this, and that I like children/respect (good!) parents, there is no strong desire to join the club. I think there is a truth about, that Cf-life is one of the best kept secrets. I am extremely happy, that I had a choice, and took it! Even if my girlfriend has been a little pushy, I stick with my guns, she was warned from the start.
Lisa - you’ll be just fine. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us here.
Lurker ” Is it instinct for having a child or is it instinct to conform?”
If we believe those who tout the “maternal instinct” we should all be running off the cliffs like lemmings. I personally believe “the maternal intinct” is a convenient myth that many women - and men happily believe in. Happily it passed me by. Most people conform because it appears to be safer for them to do so. It’s easier to do what everyone else does, because it removes the need to actually take responsibility to think and act differently. That’s partly why childfree people get bingoed with - “isn’t it what everyone does?”
Bombschelle - That was prolific.
“You cannot be super successful in your career, marriage, parenting, friendships and hobbies all at the same time. It hit me hard how right she was…” she was absolutely spot on. It was one of the things I also realized quite early on.. despite the fact that people were telling me that I could. I see women trying to do it all the time though. For the most part they’re exhausted. Not a life I was interested in.
Lurker, biologically there is a reason women’s sex drives usually rev up in their mid to late 30s; natures last shot. Studying biology and some anthropology it’s interesting to think about although I try not to put too much thought about the hormonal/biological reasons my mid-30s rock and just enjoy the, er, ride
Stick to your guns, if she’s around the same age as you, in the great words of Abraham Lincoln “This too shall pass.”
The instinct issue raised by Explosive Bombchelle and Lurker is an interesting one. Yes, I believe that it is instinct to procreate but on the other hand, as EB said, thought does need to go with that instinct as well. I’ve known since I was 12 that I didnt want children when I started babysitting the children of my parents’ friends (which I did for 6 years to earn money in high school!). This really opened my eyes to the realities of parenthood. I think babysitting is a good indication of what parenthood entails. My hubby had always wanted children when we met and I told him that if it meant that much to him I would have children, but first I challenged him about his reasons for wanting children in the first place and his answers were things like, “But it’s part of the cycle of life”, and “That’s what you do when you get married”. OH REALLY?! “Where’s the rule book that says that?” I asked him. I told him my reasons for choosing to be childfree and about 6 months after we were married (6 years ago now) he sat me down and said that he didnt want children and that he had married me to be with me, not for any future children I could give him. Now we love our lifestyle for all the freedoms of just doing the basic things such as time for each other, time out for ourselves as individuals to read books alone, catch up with friends, dining out, wonderful holidays together, that would not be possible if we had children. Funnily enough now, all of our friends who have started having children used to bingo us all the time and be quite critical about our choice, ironically are now saying that they understand now why we choose not to be parents because they all say it’s such hard work. Pity they didnt think about it more isn’t it?
Last weekend hubby and I went to a party at a friend’s house and we managed to get through 3 and a half hours of the party (to amuse ourselves, we time how long it takes for the bingoes to start) before being bingoed. The gentleman in question was a friend of the hostess’s brother. He asked me, “So when are you two having children?” I said that we didnt want children for various reasons and that we had put a lot of thought into our decision.
He actually physically recoiled and said, “But that’s a woman’s greatest joy, why would you want to miss out on that? My only response was “Bullshit”! He said, “You think is motherhood bullshit?” (I’m only referring to motherhood here because funnily enough, fatherhood didnt seem to come into it all) I said “No I don’t. What I think is bullshit is the indoctrination by society that perpetuates the motherhood/parenthood myth that the only way you are a complete and fulfilled person is by having children. Especially as far as women are concerned, that you’re not a complete person unless you embrace motherhood”. We ended up agreeing to disagree but in the end he actually was more fascinated by us than critical as he said he’d never met a couple who had actively thought about it and declined it, and actually ended up respecting us and our choice (mind you he decided to respect us after debating for almost a bloody hour!)
But we shouldn’t be put in a position where people are attacking and criticising us and our choices. I reiterate what I said above, that I think it’s dangerous this whole indoctrination by society because it hides the real truth about how hard parenthood is and there’s a whole lot of people out there who regret having children, but it’s taboo to admit that because of this myth about how wonderful parenthood is. I know there are parents out there that find it wonderful but the real truth about it is covered up.
Dear bloggers, I’m sorry but this posting ended up being longer than what I intended, I hope you’re not falling asleep
but in all seriousness, I hope this helps you Lisa.
Nice to read comments from so determined and well-articulated Cf-people! It makes you understand that you are not alone, and add more solidation to own decision. As a professional helper myself, I had doubt about joining a blog like this. This doubt is already gone, it actually improves daily life, to have a place for support.
I dont know if Lincoln had CF in mind with those words, but guess I buy it!:)
I think its little wrong, when women wait pass their thirties before wanting motherhood, and then put the blame on the man for not conforming to their wishes. But I understand how the longing can become stronger by hormonal changes.
When it comes to the real truth about parenthood, I read an interesting book: “50 reasons NOT to have kids….and what to do if you have them anyway”.
Aussie Childfree - it really does help. THANKS. I think I would have been one of those women who had children because of the idea of societal norms. I would have followed the track all of my friends and family have followed. I would have been miserable and my hub would have been even more miserable!
I still debate the “whys” of life, but I no longer feel children=fulfillment. I made a list of what makes me feel complete, happy and successful. Many of the entries would have to be disgarded if I had a child and tried to raise it right.
About the bingoes - I have just started sharing my decision and views with friends and coworkers (for some reason, not my mother). The best comment was to do what fits and feels right. I even had a coworker (with 3 kids) say she truly respected our decision and gives us credit for putting so much thought into it. She loves parenthood but sees many who do not. But I have gotten the bingoes too. I need to find good canned statement to reply with! Any suggestions?????
theres a few bingo cards out there some of the better ones are on happily childfree, with a few replies.. but they generally are the same comments.. just slightly altered..
http://www.happilychildfree.com/bingo.htm
theres some that have the 101 reasons not to have children
http://www.thecfcouple.proboards37.com/index.cgi?board=guestrant&action=display&thread=1142033616&page=1
Lisa. Its clear that you made serious thinking about this, and not afraid to stand up for your choice. I am sorry that I misunderstood you!
Lurker - I rarely get offended, no worries. This has been in my mind for a while, but was content to do what was “expected”. It took my husband to bring up the issue and then alot of long, and at times painful, discussions. Thankfully he is a wonderful man that was ready to talk and especially listen when needed. It seems like the decision took forever. I think reading blogs like this, having a good counselor, and talking to many people helped enormously. I still feel I may struggle and I still may doubt myself at times, but I know ultimately this is what is best for me. BUT - telling my mom will solidify it.
Mercurior - thanks for the links.
Lisa - for actual posts on the very common “bingoes” the childfree I encourage you to check out the various useful links, however there are several article on this blog that go over each of those bingoes and (how one might answer them) in some detail.
From July 2006 - December 2006 I wrote a series beginning “Childfree?” looking at the most common bingoes. You can find them in all in the Archives - Just seach under Childfree.
About that guy who was telling me I’m wrong to be CF. He said that “people like you should be locked up before you commit a crime.” I really don’t know where he lifted that from. =/
Lisa - questions may not entirely disappear at least not for a while. many of us have had years to either think about and come to our decision or, as discussed, knew from the earliest time that they did not want children. What matters is that you and your husband do what’s right for you as a couple. not what others think is right for them. Glad you’re finding this blog of some help.
Your blog has been enormous help and support - thank you. It is just good to hear others are out there and extremely happy! I don’t feel so abnormal.
i felt abnormal when i knew i was cf but i never told anyone i neer acknowledged there was a group like the cf. finding my fiancee was cf and was proud about it, made me say yes i am cf and happy, if i hadnt of realised i would probably be a father by now. and had closed my mouth to my dissatisfaction.
I can’t help but just post the bingo-ing I have been on the receiving end of. Some day I will have to blog some witty responses!
People say the darndest things
I met several childfree people in my teens but I hadn’t given it any thought until I was about 20. I’d never wanted to give birth — I wanted to adopt because I thought people “had to” have children.
I decided any time I wanted to do something, I had to have really good reasons for doing it — whatever it was. I can’t think in my mind of a single good reason for me to have a child.
I struggle with depressive episodes every few years. I just moved from the US to England (I guess that makes me Ameriwoman?) and I’m still trying to get used to life here.
I also really want my life to be my own. I don’t want to feel limited by someone else or dragged down. My husband & I are going to Japan in October — imagine if we had a kid and had to drag him along.
To be perfectly honest I don’t think it would be fair for any kid to have a person like me as a parent.
How I decided to be CF?
Hmm, in a way I became one, exploring myself (and my surrounding)
When I did college to become an occupational therapist, I became aware of all kind of problems that children can have. And offer them a suited therapy, to ease their difficulties. I did my job with passion, just to help these children, to help them raise up in a most comfortable way.
Then I went on to become a paramedic, specialised in pediatrics. And to be more specific: childrenpsychiatry. Still working with children was a challenge, because I saw children suffer from injuries (accidents, …) to behavior-issues (for example from parents who didn’t raise children to adults, but let them grow up all by them own)
Still wanting to have children I met my (now) ex-girlfriend. She wanted to have children at all cost, the sooner the better. I felt being pressured into a father. And I didn’t wanted that so soon. I wanted to enjoy my life for a couple of years.
Then she broke up with me, for a complete other reason, she had an affair with somebody else.
I was devastated, and I asked myself all kind of questions. One of them was; “Do I want children?” Then I was amazed that you have a choice. Just as simple as Yes or No. So easy (in a way). I also thought about all the consequences of having children, yes or no.
Now I changed my job and became something competely different. I don’t work with children anymore. I like to be childfree, really, but I don’t want to shout it out.
I’m also not proud of my choice (so that others can see it), I’m just going on. But if somebody asks me “Do you want children?” I keep on telling them “No!”
In a way, because it grew upon me, I feel comfortable with my choice, and I don’t want to brag about people with children, what they do, how they live, how unfair it is that a government gives a babybonus,….
I feel free, and I am me, with my choices, with my experiences, my habits and whatever … I’m Childfree!! But that’s not the main part of my life or who I am, there is more … , and I like to express that even more.
I posted it two times, sorry
To Dogess: You said, “I took four years of my life researching the parenting and non-parenting side…” Got any good sources/bibliography? I have been struggling… =)
Am catching up on all the posts, since I just discovered your terrific blog, Britgirl - thanks for the great job! Have decided to post as Pendrift since a previous commenter also used Emily, and my views are diametrically opposed to hers.
The decision to not have children (I still have reservations about the term childfree) came about quite gradually - my husband and I started out by saying “not right away” as we wanted to enjoy each other’s company first, then we had more in-depth discussions as time went by and concluded we didn’t want kids at all.
We both have a good idea of what we think a child needs from parents, and neither one of us is ready to forgo the things we’d need to give up to offer that. (No, having a kid then chucking it in day care for 12 hours a day is NOT my idea of parenting. )
We thought about the 20+ years we’d be responsible for the kid. No thanks. Why do some people think that once you’ve gone past the first few months of sleepless nights, everything will be just peachy dandy?
Seems to me right now that bringing a kid into the world as it is, and as it is likely to be, would be giving that kid the short end of the stick. Environmental problems, job prospects, educational prospects, all that - I’m pretty unhappy with the world as it is right now (although I’m happy with my life per se) and I’d much rather help out an existing child - though charities, volunteer work, or the like - than worry about a hypothetical one.
I’m 31 and the youngest of 6, he’s 33 and an only child. We still reached the same conclusions, and still have to put up with the bingoes, although our “we have two cats” usually suffices now.
At times my mother and two sisters (both single, no kids) ask me why I’m not having children yet and I just answer “what if I end up with kids like them?” and bring up two of my siblings. One is nearing fifty with two kids, and still asks my mom to pay the credit card bills; another is turning 40 this year, a former drug addict who has 2 kids, is jobless, and sits on his ass in my mother’s house the whole day. (Why my mom even puts up with this is another issue.) That’s all it takes to remind them that parenting isn’t necessarily all it’s cracked up to be.
I feel sorry for my mom, though (my father passed away several years ago) - she’s already in her seventies and instead of enjoying her retirement, is still worrying about her offspring. Bed-made-lie, I know. That’s why I’m not making that particular bed.
Me: I have a memory of myself at 7 standing outside my elementary classroom with the thought in my head that I never wanted to have biological children and that I would adopt (my parents did foster care when I was a kid and I had an adopted sister. I do not perceive “family” as based strictly on genetics or marriage).
As a teen, I did the babysitting thing, but I never went “gaga” over babies or pictures of babies (true to this day. In fact, I am more apt to go “gaga” over a picture of even the “ugliest” dog or cat, than any picture of the cutest or most adorable baby.) I don’t hate kids, although I strongly dislike some kids. To me seeing a child is like seeing a wall: I see that it’s there, but I have no particular feelings about it.
As I got older, I realized my personality and temperament is unsuited to raising an emotionally and socially well adjusted child. I have been told that I would make a great parent. I agree to the extent that I would know HOW to be a great parent, but the desire is not there. I am very jealous of my time and my independence. As is my husband. We already have 2 geriatric cats (one is 16 years old) and as much as I love having them around, sometimes, I wish they would stop bugging me for attention.
I can ignore the cats; but ignoring a child is tantamount to abuse.
Children require so much time and attention in order to be properly cared for. IMO, parenting a child is the hardest job out there and one I know is not for me.
I know I would resent the costs (financially, emotionally, timewise) of having a child as well as the necessary sacrifices. If that makes me selfish, then I freely and proudly admit to it.
The cost to a child of having a parent who resents that child, who never wanted that child, cannot be quantified. WHY would anyone place a child, a helpless innocent living feeling creature in such an environment? THAT is, IMO, selfish and irresponsible.
I don’t need to have a child to “be a real woman”, to contribute to society (many would say Mother Teresa or the Dalai Lama have contributed to society. Neither of them have children), to have a happy and fulfilling life, marriage, old age, etc. As for someone to take care of me in my old age? I can make my own arrangements, thank you very much.
Thankfully, most of the people in my life accept this decision. My husband & I have gotten the “but you would make such great parents” (my response: So? We’d probably be great at lots of thing, that doesn’t mean we want to do them); the “but your parents gave you a chance” (me: I didn’t ask to be here); and my husband was once told by his mother that our decision not to have kids was “selfish” (this was in a conversation where the topics ranged from what job he held at the time to something he did when he 5 years old. Me: Eyes roll); and once from a couple we know (you’re next…)
My own parents, while I know they would love for me (or my sister) to have kids, accept that this is MY decision. I think given their experience as foster parents, they clearly recognize the consequences to children who have parents who are not prepared or have no desire to parent them.
Just my 2 cents. Nice blog.