I was going to do a blog about the current crop protruding tummies sported by “celeb moms” but I changed my mind. I actually changed it when I read Lisa’s comment and the resulting comments on trying to decide where one falls on the childfree continuum when deciding whether or not they want to stay childfree. I’m also doing it because I’ve noticed as people discover this blog and they are considering being childfree they can see that being childfree is a valid choice. As always, my posts are always enhanced and enriched by your comments and views.
Lisa’s question is a good reminder that some people are actually discovering that not having children, being childfree is not only possible, but that it is a great choice, and for the vast majority of childfree people, not an afterthought. It’s a choice that is worth considering, but with our pro-natal society it’s a choice that’s never ever presented to the vast majority of men and women.
So, most people do follow the well trodden path of “get married, have kids…” because they’ve never realized there is any other way. Having children is dressed up to be the be-all and end-all of a woman’s life. Women who don’t have children are pitied and even now in the 21st century, women who say that they choose not to have children or that they don’t want children are scorned and ridiculed. Meanwhile what are the reasons given for having children?
You know them all… and you know there are more.
It’s what you do, isn’t it?
Who will look after you when you’re sick or old?
It proves you’re a woman… or it proves you’re a responsible grown-up man…
It’s fulfilling the maternal instinct…
All women want children
You can’t be happy unless you’ve had children
Sister/brother/friends/other are all having kids and you want one too..
It’s the way to make your family complete Or, it’s the way to make your family, period.
Just want one. Always dreamed of having a large family/a boy/a girl/twins etc
None of these are good enough reasons to have kids, but since people don’t really give much thought before popping out the babies, nobody worries about that.
Meanwhile, should you not want to have children and you articulate it, you’re almost always told you will change your mind/when you get older/when you meet The One, blah, blah, blah. The first articulation of wanting to be childfree is rarely taken seriously. Neither is the second or even the third. Welcome to bingo time!
Whatever the reason you’ve decided to be childfree, you will not be a wilting flower. You’ll definitely have a spine, or you’ll have the balls to be able to stand up for yourself… in short you’ll be made of pretty tough stuff, not someone who just falls into re-producing because it’s what everyone does.
It isn’t easy to buck the status quo – but it is entirely do-able. The best asset you’ll have is your ability and willingness to stop, think and consider. Not only, why do I want kids, but what are the consequences of having them? What will be the impact on your relationship/s? And can you live with that impact? What’s the impact on you? And even the child? I find that childed people either never consider these questions, or blithely say “oh, you’ll be all right, after all it’s different when they are your own” – so we’re told. And, if you have a partner, they must be supportive and on the same wavelength – or you’re in trouble. Also, reading childfree books are a must-do.
I also find that very few childed actually feature the child in their zeal to convert the childfree over to the realm of parenting and babies. It’s all about them.
As far as my decision to be childfree – my own came through my husband and I talking, thinking very hard about the pros and the cons, considering and especially thinking about what it would mean to our relationship. My husband didn’t really want to be a father – but if I’d wanted children he would have tried his best to be the best he could be. I didn’t want to force him to do something he wasn’t fully on board with…. and I didn’t want children enough anyway.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized I did not have to believe the slick advertising to reproduce – as far as I was concerned we were being sold a bill of goods.
Having kids was not a bed of roses and from my observations of the parents I knew, was more prison-like than they cared to let on. As much as people kept telling me it was “worth it” I didn’t believe them. I could think for myself, therefore I could make my own choices about what was right for me and for us. And it was as simple as that… we decided we didn’t want to have kids.
It was the right decision.
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How I decided to be CF?
Hmm, in a way I became one, exploring myself (and my surrounding)
When I did college to become an occupational therapist, I became aware of all kind of problems that children can have. And offer them a suited therapy, to ease their difficulties. I did my job with passion, just to help these children, to help them raise up in a most comfortable way.
Then I went on to become a paramedic, specialised in pediatrics. And to be more specific: childrenpsychiatry. Still working with children was a challenge, because I saw children suffer from injuries (accidents, …) to behavior-issues (for example from parents who didn’t raise children to adults, but let them grow up all by them own)
Still wanting to have children I met my (now) ex-girlfriend. She wanted to have children at all cost, the sooner the better. I felt being pressured into a father. And I didn’t wanted that so soon. I wanted to enjoy my life for a couple of years.
Then she broke up with me, for a complete other reason, she had an affair with somebody else.
I was devastated, and I asked myself all kind of questions. One of them was; “Do I want children?” Then I was amazed that you have a choice. Just as simple as Yes or No. So easy (in a way). I also thought about all the consequences of having children, yes or no.
Now I changed my job and became something competely different. I don’t work with children anymore. I like to be childfree, really, but I don’t want to shout it out.
I’m also not proud of my choice (so that others can see it), I’m just going on. But if somebody asks me “Do you want children?” I keep on telling them “No!”
In a way, because it grew upon me, I feel comfortable with my choice, and I don’t want to brag about people with children, what they do, how they live, how unfair it is that a government gives a babybonus,….
I feel free, and I am me, with my choices, with my experiences, my habits and whatever … I’m Childfree!! But that’s not the main part of my life or who I am, there is more … , and I like to express that even more.
I posted it two times, sorry
To Dogess: You said, “I took four years of my life researching the parenting and non-parenting side…” Got any good sources/bibliography? I have been struggling… =)
Am catching up on all the posts, since I just discovered your terrific blog, Britgirl – thanks for the great job! Have decided to post as Pendrift since a previous commenter also used Emily, and my views are diametrically opposed to hers.
The decision to not have children (I still have reservations about the term childfree) came about quite gradually – my husband and I started out by saying “not right away” as we wanted to enjoy each other’s company first, then we had more in-depth discussions as time went by and concluded we didn’t want kids at all.
We both have a good idea of what we think a child needs from parents, and neither one of us is ready to forgo the things we’d need to give up to offer that. (No, having a kid then chucking it in day care for 12 hours a day is NOT my idea of parenting. )
We thought about the 20+ years we’d be responsible for the kid. No thanks. Why do some people think that once you’ve gone past the first few months of sleepless nights, everything will be just peachy dandy?
Seems to me right now that bringing a kid into the world as it is, and as it is likely to be, would be giving that kid the short end of the stick. Environmental problems, job prospects, educational prospects, all that – I’m pretty unhappy with the world as it is right now (although I’m happy with my life per se) and I’d much rather help out an existing child – though charities, volunteer work, or the like – than worry about a hypothetical one.
I’m 31 and the youngest of 6, he’s 33 and an only child. We still reached the same conclusions, and still have to put up with the bingoes, although our “we have two cats” usually suffices now.
At times my mother and two sisters (both single, no kids) ask me why I’m not having children yet and I just answer “what if I end up with kids like them?” and bring up two of my siblings. One is nearing fifty with two kids, and still asks my mom to pay the credit card bills; another is turning 40 this year, a former drug addict who has 2 kids, is jobless, and sits on his ass in my mother’s house the whole day. (Why my mom even puts up with this is another issue.) That’s all it takes to remind them that parenting isn’t necessarily all it’s cracked up to be.
I feel sorry for my mom, though (my father passed away several years ago) – she’s already in her seventies and instead of enjoying her retirement, is still worrying about her offspring. Bed-made-lie, I know. That’s why I’m not making that particular bed.
Me: I have a memory of myself at 7 standing outside my elementary classroom with the thought in my head that I never wanted to have biological children and that I would adopt (my parents did foster care when I was a kid and I had an adopted sister. I do not perceive “family” as based strictly on genetics or marriage).
As a teen, I did the babysitting thing, but I never went “gaga” over babies or pictures of babies (true to this day. In fact, I am more apt to go “gaga” over a picture of even the “ugliest” dog or cat, than any picture of the cutest or most adorable baby.) I don’t hate kids, although I strongly dislike some kids. To me seeing a child is like seeing a wall: I see that it’s there, but I have no particular feelings about it.
As I got older, I realized my personality and temperament is unsuited to raising an emotionally and socially well adjusted child. I have been told that I would make a great parent. I agree to the extent that I would know HOW to be a great parent, but the desire is not there. I am very jealous of my time and my independence. As is my husband. We already have 2 geriatric cats (one is 16 years old) and as much as I love having them around, sometimes, I wish they would stop bugging me for attention.
I can ignore the cats; but ignoring a child is tantamount to abuse.
Children require so much time and attention in order to be properly cared for. IMO, parenting a child is the hardest job out there and one I know is not for me.
I know I would resent the costs (financially, emotionally, timewise) of having a child as well as the necessary sacrifices. If that makes me selfish, then I freely and proudly admit to it.
The cost to a child of having a parent who resents that child, who never wanted that child, cannot be quantified. WHY would anyone place a child, a helpless innocent living feeling creature in such an environment? THAT is, IMO, selfish and irresponsible.
I don’t need to have a child to “be a real woman”, to contribute to society (many would say Mother Teresa or the Dalai Lama have contributed to society. Neither of them have children), to have a happy and fulfilling life, marriage, old age, etc. As for someone to take care of me in my old age? I can make my own arrangements, thank you very much.
Thankfully, most of the people in my life accept this decision. My husband & I have gotten the “but you would make such great parents” (my response: So? We’d probably be great at lots of thing, that doesn’t mean we want to do them); the “but your parents gave you a chance” (me: I didn’t ask to be here); and my husband was once told by his mother that our decision not to have kids was “selfish” (this was in a conversation where the topics ranged from what job he held at the time to something he did when he 5 years old. Me: Eyes roll); and once from a couple we know (you’re next…)
My own parents, while I know they would love for me (or my sister) to have kids, accept that this is MY decision. I think given their experience as foster parents, they clearly recognize the consequences to children who have parents who are not prepared or have no desire to parent them.
Just my 2 cents. Nice blog.
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