As a teen, I did the babysitting thing, but I never went “gaga” over babies or pictures of babies (true to this day. In fact, I am more apt to go “gaga” over a picture of even the “ugliest” dog or cat, than any picture of the cutest or most adorable baby.) I don’t hate kids, although I strongly dislike some kids. To me seeing a child is like seeing a wall: I see that it’s there, but I have no particular feelings about it.

As I got older, I realized my personality and temperament is unsuited to raising an emotionally and socially well adjusted child. I have been told that I would make a great parent. I agree to the extent that I would know HOW to be a great parent, but the desire is not there. I am very jealous of my time and my independence. As is my husband. We already have 2 geriatric cats (one is 16 years old) and as much as I love having them around, sometimes, I wish they would stop bugging me for attention.

I can ignore the cats; but ignoring a child is tantamount to abuse.

Children require so much time and attention in order to be properly cared for. IMO, parenting a child is the hardest job out there and one I know is not for me.

I know I would resent the costs (financially, emotionally, timewise) of having a child as well as the necessary sacrifices. If that makes me selfish, then I freely and proudly admit to it.

The cost to a child of having a parent who resents that child, who never wanted that child, cannot be quantified. WHY would anyone place a child, a helpless innocent living feeling creature in such an environment? THAT is, IMO, selfish and irresponsible.

I don’t need to have a child to “be a real woman”, to contribute to society (many would say Mother Teresa or the Dalai Lama have contributed to society. Neither of them have children), to have a happy and fulfilling life, marriage, old age, etc. As for someone to take care of me in my old age? I can make my own arrangements, thank you very much.

Thankfully, most of the people in my life accept this decision. My husband & I have gotten the “but you would make such great parents” (my response: So? We’d probably be great at lots of thing, that doesn’t mean we want to do them); the “but your parents gave you a chance” (me: I didn’t ask to be here); and my husband was once told by his mother that our decision not to have kids was “selfish” (this was in a conversation where the topics ranged from what job he held at the time to something he did when he 5 years old. Me: Eyes roll); and once from a couple we know (you’re next…)

My own parents, while I know they would love for me (or my sister) to have kids, accept that this is MY decision. I think given their experience as foster parents, they clearly recognize the consequences to children who have parents who are not prepared or have no desire to parent them.

Just my 2 cents. Nice blog.

The decision to not have children (I still have reservations about the term childfree) came about quite gradually - my husband and I started out by saying “not right away” as we wanted to enjoy each other’s company first, then we had more in-depth discussions as time went by and concluded we didn’t want kids at all.

We both have a good idea of what we think a child needs from parents, and neither one of us is ready to forgo the things we’d need to give up to offer that. (No, having a kid then chucking it in day care for 12 hours a day is NOT my idea of parenting. )

We thought about the 20+ years we’d be responsible for the kid. No thanks. Why do some people think that once you’ve gone past the first few months of sleepless nights, everything will be just peachy dandy?

Seems to me right now that bringing a kid into the world as it is, and as it is likely to be, would be giving that kid the short end of the stick. Environmental problems, job prospects, educational prospects, all that - I’m pretty unhappy with the world as it is right now (although I’m happy with my life per se) and I’d much rather help out an existing child - though charities, volunteer work, or the like - than worry about a hypothetical one.

I’m 31 and the youngest of 6, he’s 33 and an only child. We still reached the same conclusions, and still have to put up with the bingoes, although our “we have two cats” usually suffices now.

At times my mother and two sisters (both single, no kids) ask me why I’m not having children yet and I just answer “what if I end up with kids like them?” and bring up two of my siblings. One is nearing fifty with two kids, and still asks my mom to pay the credit card bills; another is turning 40 this year, a former drug addict who has 2 kids, is jobless, and sits on his ass in my mother’s house the whole day. (Why my mom even puts up with this is another issue.) That’s all it takes to remind them that parenting isn’t necessarily all it’s cracked up to be.

I feel sorry for my mom, though (my father passed away several years ago) - she’s already in her seventies and instead of enjoying her retirement, is still worrying about her offspring. Bed-made-lie, I know. That’s why I’m not making that particular bed.

Hmm, in a way I became one, exploring myself (and my surrounding)

When I did college to become an occupational therapist, I became aware of all kind of problems that children can have. And offer them a suited therapy, to ease their difficulties. I did my job with passion, just to help these children, to help them raise up in a most comfortable way.

Then I went on to become a paramedic, specialised in pediatrics. And to be more specific: childrenpsychiatry. Still working with children was a challenge, because I saw children suffer from injuries (accidents, …) to behavior-issues (for example from parents who didn’t raise children to adults, but let them grow up all by them own)

Still wanting to have children I met my (now) ex-girlfriend. She wanted to have children at all cost, the sooner the better. I felt being pressured into a father. And I didn’t wanted that so soon. I wanted to enjoy my life for a couple of years.

Then she broke up with me, for a complete other reason, she had an affair with somebody else.

I was devastated, and I asked myself all kind of questions. One of them was; “Do I want children?” Then I was amazed that you have a choice. Just as simple as Yes or No. So easy (in a way). I also thought about all the consequences of having children, yes or no.

Now I changed my job and became something competely different. I don’t work with children anymore. I like to be childfree, really, but I don’t want to shout it out.
I’m also not proud of my choice (so that others can see it), I’m just going on. But if somebody asks me “Do you want children?” I keep on telling them “No!”

In a way, because it grew upon me, I feel comfortable with my choice, and I don’t want to brag about people with children, what they do, how they live, how unfair it is that a government gives a babybonus,….

I feel free, and I am me, with my choices, with my experiences, my habits and whatever … I’m Childfree!! But that’s not the main part of my life or who I am, there is more … , and I like to express that even more.

I decided any time I wanted to do something, I had to have really good reasons for doing it — whatever it was. I can’t think in my mind of a single good reason for me to have a child.

I struggle with depressive episodes every few years. I just moved from the US to England (I guess that makes me Ameriwoman?) and I’m still trying to get used to life here.

I also really want my life to be my own. I don’t want to feel limited by someone else or dragged down. My husband & I are going to Japan in October — imagine if we had a kid and had to drag him along.

To be perfectly honest I don’t think it would be fair for any kid to have a person like me as a parent.

People say the darndest things

From July 2006 - December 2006 I wrote a series beginning “Childfree?” looking at the most common bingoes. You can find them in all in the Archives - Just seach under Childfree.

Mercurior - thanks for the links.

http://www.happilychildfree.com/bingo.htm

theres some that have the 101 reasons not to have children

http://www.thecfcouple.proboards37.com/index.cgi?board=guestrant&action=display&thread=1142033616&page=1

I still debate the “whys” of life, but I no longer feel children=fulfillment. I made a list of what makes me feel complete, happy and successful. Many of the entries would have to be disgarded if I had a child and tried to raise it right.

About the bingoes - I have just started sharing my decision and views with friends and coworkers (for some reason, not my mother). The best comment was to do what fits and feels right. I even had a coworker (with 3 kids) say she truly respected our decision and gives us credit for putting so much thought into it. She loves parenthood but sees many who do not. But I have gotten the bingoes too. I need to find good canned statement to reply with! Any suggestions?????

I dont know if Lincoln had CF in mind with those words, but guess I buy it!:)

I think its little wrong, when women wait pass their thirties before wanting motherhood, and then put the blame on the man for not conforming to their wishes. But I understand how the longing can become stronger by hormonal changes.

When it comes to the real truth about parenthood, I read an interesting book: “50 reasons NOT to have kids….and what to do if you have them anyway”.

Last weekend hubby and I went to a party at a friend’s house and we managed to get through 3 and a half hours of the party (to amuse ourselves, we time how long it takes for the bingoes to start) before being bingoed. The gentleman in question was a friend of the hostess’s brother. He asked me, “So when are you two having children?” I said that we didnt want children for various reasons and that we had put a lot of thought into our decision.

He actually physically recoiled and said, “But that’s a woman’s greatest joy, why would you want to miss out on that? My only response was “Bullshit”! He said, “You think is motherhood bullshit?” (I’m only referring to motherhood here because funnily enough, fatherhood didnt seem to come into it all) I said “No I don’t. What I think is bullshit is the indoctrination by society that perpetuates the motherhood/parenthood myth that the only way you are a complete and fulfilled person is by having children. Especially as far as women are concerned, that you’re not a complete person unless you embrace motherhood”. We ended up agreeing to disagree but in the end he actually was more fascinated by us than critical as he said he’d never met a couple who had actively thought about it and declined it, and actually ended up respecting us and our choice (mind you he decided to respect us after debating for almost a bloody hour!)

But we shouldn’t be put in a position where people are attacking and criticising us and our choices. I reiterate what I said above, that I think it’s dangerous this whole indoctrination by society because it hides the real truth about how hard parenthood is and there’s a whole lot of people out there who regret having children, but it’s taboo to admit that because of this myth about how wonderful parenthood is. I know there are parents out there that find it wonderful but the real truth about it is covered up.

Dear bloggers, I’m sorry but this posting ended up being longer than what I intended, I hope you’re not falling asleep but in all seriousness, I hope this helps you Lisa.

Lurker ” Is it instinct for having a child or is it instinct to conform?”
If we believe those who tout the “maternal instinct” we should all be running off the cliffs like lemmings. I personally believe “the maternal intinct” is a convenient myth that many women - and men happily believe in. Happily it passed me by. Most people conform because it appears to be safer for them to do so. It’s easier to do what everyone else does, because it removes the need to actually take responsibility to think and act differently. That’s partly why childfree people get bingoed with - “isn’t it what everyone does?”

Bombschelle - That was prolific.
“You cannot be super successful in your career, marriage, parenting, friendships and hobbies all at the same time. It hit me hard how right she was…” she was absolutely spot on. It was one of the things I also realized quite early on.. despite the fact that people were telling me that I could. I see women trying to do it all the time though. For the most part they’re exhausted. Not a life I was interested in.