Lisa has once again inspired an idea for my next post.
As we know all too well, childfree men and women (especially women) get “bingoed” almost as soon as they declare that they are childfree or that they don’t want children, or that they’ve chosen not to have children. We get asked the most intrusive, often insulting questions by childed people – questions that I for one would never even think of asking anyone, let alone people I don’t know. For some reason people think that unless you crave children, you have no ability to think or act for yourself.
I’ve always maintained that my reproductive choice is none of anyone’s business. But in 2006, just after I began writing this blog and over the course of a few months I decided to write my thoughts of just what I thought of the nosy questions and those that posed them. The result was a series of posts that, even with the strides we’ve made today, are still all too common (as Aussie CF clearly showed in her recent comment).
In all there are about 12 articles and they’re all in the Archives. I’ll post the rest as and when this week, but if you want to read them earlier just check the Archives or the Sitemap under “Childfree”. Here are some of them. Since we have a whole set of new readers, it’s worth revisiting the articles. Hopefully, they will provide you with insights and more importantly preparation when you come face to face with a bingo – which you will.
The last link is one about Childfree Support. if you don’t know a lot of childfree people you can feel very isoloated and alone. So check out the tips you can use for support and add your own to share with readers.
Childfree? Aren’t you being selfish?
Childfree? You Must Be So Unfulfilled
Childfree? But How Can You Not Want Kids?
Childfree? But What Will You Do With Your Life If You Don’t Have Children?
And childfree support…
{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi everyone – wow, I’m the first to post a comment
I just wanted to say how interesting everybody’s comments are regarding all these childfree issues because I have always felt very alone in my childfree state, although I have some friends in a childfree group in sydney. But the thing I am finding most interesting is that the stigma of being childfree is actually a worldwide thing, not just something here in Australia. I hope I’m not coming across as being patronising but I was surprised that even in European countries it seems to be a bit of a stigma as to me, European countries seem far more progressive in a lot of ways than Australia. Despite Australians thinking that we’re a land of “G’day maaaate” laidback larrikans (and they want the world to think that too) many Australians are actually quite uptight and conservative!
As one of this week`s top commentators..my male biological clock is thicking… for another comment.
Aussie Cf. I am living in Northern-Europe. I think Cf people meet the same stigma here. It range from parents acward expression, when you dont react or behave as they expect, to the most common bingo`s.
I have not openly advertised my point of view, most because I find it as an potential professional disadvantage (thats why I find this blog so useful). So maybe I have been spared for the most agressive attacks.
Searching the net, I have found a lot of articles and statistics from Cf Australia. I had impression that Australia was a leading nation in this matter.
I hail from Canada and we get the same kind of bingos here! It’s definitely a world-wide phenomenon. This is why such blogs as Like It is are so important for us to know we’re not alone.
i too am from northern europe the UK to be exact. i get less bingos in my home town, but i visit america a lot, the south bible belt and its nearly constant there.
This post is a great service to your readers. Good job! I am linking to you from our Purple blogspace.
Keep up the good work.
Well, I’ll just let all you all know that one gets bingoed just as bad in the US.
I don’t usually mind bingos from strangers. I feel it is a good opportunity to educate some, hopefully fencesitting, folks that they DO have a choice, and they should take that choice VERY SERIOUSLY. Or that it’s a good opportunity to educate people on proper conversational etiquette.
What always amazes me is that I still get bingoed by people who know me and my life style pretty well. I have never expressed any desire whatsoever for children, and have actually expressed a complete lack of desire for children in my life. Still I know people who tell me that “Oh, you’ll have kids one day soon”, “but you’re getting married … you’re having kids, right?”, “but they’re different when they’re yours” and on…and on…and on. Which, at the age of 38, all seem to be the height of disrespect…as though it is a bad thing for a person to consider their life options, and choose the path they feel most comfortable with.
The best medicine for bingo`s, is to remind oneself about ALL the extra money, time, hours of sleep and FREEDOM that CF life brings. That usually get my record straight…because how can the average parent compete with that?
Bingos don’t affect my life choices, beyond choosing to avoid people who are disrespectful enough to think they know my mind or my life better than I do.
When the disrespectful people, are done with their bingo, they still have to go home and take care of the 4 kids.
Geon. If you love it, I expect you feel so content, that you want need to bingo those who chose different. Nothing better for kids, than parents who love and support them.
Geon = spammer
look at where the linkie leads…
Oops! Did I just say that?!
Ok, I had my fun. Just wanted to say It’s good to be back, since I haven’t commented in awhile on here.
Also, being an American on a Brit(girl) blog, I will say that I’ve talked about my wife on a few occasions here. She still gets “bingoed” at work from time to time, even from the co-workers who know her and her determined mindset. She contrasted this with her conversations with her newfound German friends and found that they don’t raise an eyebrow when she says we don’t want kids. I surmised a possible explanation: Maybe a good percentage of us Americans don’t travel as much (or don’t take the time to learn about the world outside our borders), thus not being used to more radical points of view.
Fear of the unknown, or foreign, is one of the greatest fears of all.
Great comments as always all!
Lurker – “Searching the net, I have found a lot of articles and statistics from Cf Australia. I had impression that Australia was a leading nation in this matter.”
It’s funny, I too thought that Australia was a leading light in blazing the trail for equal rights for Childfree people. Well, it seems we were wrong. Never mind the press, I think I’d believe Aussie CF first.
As for bingos/bingoes (sp) they seem to be world wide. I find it quite sad that with all the strides women have made, many still don’t have enough confidence to be supportive of the alternative choice NOT to reproduce. I’ve read of some people unable to countenance the thought of a woman who does not want to have children. I’ve had others say (in variously colourful language) that they are very uncomfortable with not only the notion that someone could not want to have children, but even the word “childfree.” Why? Because it threatens them? Again why do they feel threatened?
As a childfree person I took the time to understand as much as I could what bringing up children entailed – enough to decide I didn’t want to go down that route at all. And for making that decison, from the childed and for the most part what we receive is scorn and ridicule and the expectation by others that we must justify our choice and decision to the childed! Unreal. But as I say, preparation is everything;).
Hey ChrisW welcome back
And you’re right about the spammer.
Lurker -” because how can the average parent compete with that?”
They can’t!
Aussie Childfree – “But the thing I am finding most interesting is that the stigma of being childfree is actually a worldwide thing, not just something here in Australia. “Oh yes, it’s definitely worldwide. Not at all confined to Australia as many commentators have confirmed. Europe is progressive in many things, but I don’t think that’s one of them.
Feh – when childed people realize that they are being insulting when they inquire about whether one is going to have children, when they are going to have them – or why not – it will truly be a great day. I have made up my mind that next time anyone asks me why I don’t have children I shall ask them why they have children. I think they’ll get very offended.
When I get bingoed, I just hum “B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O and bingo was his name-o!” to myself and mentally plug my ears.
Good thing I’m good at tuning people out.
Britgirl, I’d like to be able to say that Australia is a leading light but unfortunately it’s not. From all the comments I’ve read on this website relating to the articles, I get the same reactions towards my childfree status as all of you in Europe and US. Especially with the attitude that your needs aren’t as important as those of parents.
A lady I work with has just gone on maternity leave for 12 months. The type of job we do entails travelling several hours away from home about 4 to 6 times a year for a week at a time and she knew that when she accepted the job. When she announced her pregnancy she got a certificate from her doctor saying that she was unable to travel anymore, which meant others had to pick up her slack and do more trips away. Maybe I’m not being understanding but she told me from day one that she intended on falling pregnant within 2 years of starting the job (we started on the same day 2 years ago). I’m sorry, but she’s pregnant not disabled. Before she finished up at Christmas she had everything sorted for when she comes back in January 2009 – she was able to pick how many days she came back and which days she wanted. My husband will have to work at a small country town about 16 hours from where we live later in the year for a period of 2 months – when I asked my boss if I would be able to go with him by taking work with me and a laptop that was hooked up to the network she said, “No you can’t do that”. When I pointed out that my colleague was on 12 months mat leave she said, “That’s different, she needs to be at home with her baby”. Never mind the fact that my husband didnt choose to work at this town, he has to do it for his job, but my colleague made a choice about having a child so the rest of us have to bend over backwards to help her with her choice. So the message here is that to be considered equal to your childed colleagues, you must have a baby yourself. I think I was more offended by the fact that my boss considered my request unreasonable. I know it sounds like whinging sour grapes but I think this sort of policy needs to be applied equally to all colleagues, not just pregnant ones. My childfree friends in Sydney have this happen to them all the time too.
So no, Australian childfree are discriminated against quite frequently, plus all the usual bingoes as well.
I’m enjoying reading everybody else’s views on this too. This is a great blog Britgirl!
I am in the US, ny to be exact. There is so much diversity here, but it is all externally accepted. No matter how much you deviate from the “norm”, saying you do not want children is unfathomable to many. I would have had better luck proclaiming I found a wife in lieu of a husband – my coworkers may have waited a bit longer until they asked me when we were having a child. **This was not intended to be insulting, just stating that this would have caused less debate and confrontation**
I have to agree with Feh here and say that comments like these are particularly annoying when they come from someone who should know better!
We see a friend of mine and her boyfriend for dinner once every fortnight. He has been to our house at least five times, but he shocked me almost immediately as we arrived for dinner last Wednesday night. (She has two children, and is divorced. Her boyfriend also has two children and is separated from his wife.)
We had just arrived and said our hellos. He then asked us if we would like a glass of wine. I declined his offer because I had a headache, but I didn’t think it needed explaining that I had a headache.
A big smile crossed his face, and he looked me up and down and asked excitedly if we had any big news to give them – because “you know what they say about women who turn down a drink when they normally have one!”
My fiance and I stared back blankly at him, wondering when he was going to stop. Eventually he noticed that we weren’t impressed with the questioning, and my friend explained to him that we don’t ever plan to be pregnant.
I’m not sure what part of his brain hasn’t been working while he’s been having dinner with us over the last 7 months. Our conversation has never ever suggested that we might be interested in being parents – in fact we try to ensure that conversation does not stray to their children too often! We keep a very tidy house with a lot of pottery, art, jewellery, books and DVDs, and he has even commented that he couldn’t have some of our belongings because they would be inappropriate for children. He often looks a little surprised when we use swear words.
He must have been brain-washed, or perhaps his deductive skills are terribly weak…
Because I don’t see how anybody who knows us for more than six months can still assume that we are keen to have children!!
Hey Britgirl, I’ve been away at a train-wreck of a site, that trueconfessions site, admittedly. I read the mom site and I am so grateful that I don’t have to endure that crap.
Anyway.. CF Bingoes.
When I started looking up communities of people who did not want children I found that they too endured all the bingoes I did as I grew up. Finally, I have learned to actually have a response to all those bingoes. And, ultimately, in the last two weeks alone I finally came up with a trump all response, simply say, “Bingo!” if I am bingoed. If asked, I’ll tell the parent that what they’ve said is not original and unfounded. And leave it at that.
Actually, I hate to say this,but I have found that simply not talking about being CF is easier. I’m surrounded by parents and new “breeder”-type first time parents. We have an internal chat room and when they start chatting about that stuff I simply minimize the window.
One thing I have learned over the years is that really, we’re all pretty much the same. Being human is universal – regardless of the cultures. Areas, countries, cultures – that is the environment and our immediate society. But being human is, generally speaking, universal. So, to me, it is not at all surprising that someone in Australia is getting the same bingo I am getting here in Texas, U.S.A.
At this point, I don’t care if it’s at work. I make a great salary, I get to do what I LOVE to do (how many people can say that?) and I get to go home knowing that my boyfriend and I will spend a quiet evening alone, or together, or I get to go skating after work rather than having to change smelly diapers, or whatever else. Maybe in my old age of 39 I’ve just learn to let things go more. Sure, it can be insulting, but I don’t give other people permission to insult or offend me. There’s a confidence in knowing who and what I am that backs that up.
Decided, I read your post and I thought of an incident with my cousin a few years ago. She had 5 boys out of wedlock, starting at age 17, with a criminal loser who is FINALLY out of her life. I have other cousins who have had children – many of whom are doing fine despite having grown up with a single poor mother. (BTW, my mom was one too. I turned out fine.)
Anyway, I have expressed since ATLEAST the age of six (hence my nick on this blog) – if not earlier – that I did not want children. My mom has known it but always wanted to be in denial about it, and some of my closer cousins (one of whom is the mother of 5 I mentioned) have also always known that I do not want children – hell, they’ve known that I do not even LIKE children or babies.
So we’re riding along in my car and we’re just talking. I live in a city that’s 5 a hour drive away from the rest of my family. She was whining about her life and then she says in the middle of her whine ever so casually, “… and we’re just waiting for you to have your own kids …” (I was in my mid thirties at the time.)
WTF?
Now.. I didn’t say anything immediately, but this really clued me in to what one of my closest cousins REALLY thought when I thought all along she was one of the few of my family members who just accepted I was not going to have kids.
Apparently, she never really believed me.
That comment came out so casually and without her thinking about it – based on the tone of the conversation – that it was quite clear that even though my more “progressive” cousins who are around my age never believed me. And that they have been most likely just thinking all along that I’d change my mind.
I don’t remember if I said anything. But I just remember that moment in the car. I remembered also that I was all alone in being CF. Sure, I can come online and join CF communities and at the time I didn’t have a boyfriend, but in reality, I was all alone with being childfree. I also came to accept that others will simply NOT accept my childfree status. Once I accepted THAT fact, it was easier to deal with. I thought about my relationship with family and remembered many conversations where the oh-so casual comment of, “Well, CFSinceSix DOESN’T WANT babies!” or, “She’s not going to HAVE CHILDREN!” or, “CFSinceSix is SO SMART for not having kids!” that even though it was said with a smirk, or half assed jokingly, I realized now that they were really sarcastic disparaging remarks. (As their brats went screaming around the house…)
Maybe they were jealous. I don’t know. I come from a poor family with a Mexican heritage. I’ve also been teased that I was trying to be “white” by getting an education and my green eyes and light skin. Uhm. Hello. The last two are DUE TO GENETICS! And if they had had an EDUCATION they’d f’ing know that!
Anyway, I digress there. I remember that moment with my cousin clearly. And while I love her dearly, and others, and whenever I go to see them I still interact with them about the same as always….I would be lying if I said that one line about how they’re waiting for me to have children doesn’t color my thoughts when I’m with them. It’s like, I thought they accepted me but I realize they really haven’t.
That’s fine. Really. Because we’re all human – universally we make mistakes, we have our pre-judgements, ideas, thoughts, etc. I still love them. One thing, however, atleast they know damn well not to ask me to babysit!
I have a half-sister who is 12 years older than me. She and I can’t stand each other. She’s a drug addict/alcoholic with three children (now adults). Two of them were born out of wedlock, and for years she didn’t know who the oldest child’s dad really was. She was married briefly to her middle child’s father, but she cheated on him with the dad of her youngest child, and that was the end of that. Did I add she’s jealous of me? It’s not that I’m so well off or anything like that. She perceives that our late father treated me better than she, which is false. Dad was a louse to all of his kids.
Anyway, I remember her telling me that if I did not have children, I would have all kinds of health problems, including my womb shriveling up. This from a high school dropout who never learned self-control or how beneficial birth control really is.
Cfsincesix. Enjoyed reading your story! I have also found it easier to not talk “in public” about my Cf decision. I found this a burdon to start with (and sometimes still do..). Now try to care less about the child-centered society, and just keep my “secret” benefit-package (= Cf) to myself.
Hillary. Sounds like jealousy.
CFSinceSix:
Wow!!! Um…can we be friends?? I am also Mexican with light skin, green eyes, and childfree!!!!!
Hey there, Chicana Skies!
I briefly checked out your blog. Are you in Los Angeles??? I grew up in Long Beach! Small world. =)
Britgirl’s blog is awesome. Keep reading and commenting. I really enjoy it here.
Hi Everyone,
I was amazed and happy to come across this site. I am Child Free at 25 and married. As these are the peak breeder years, you can imagine i am going through some tough times with bingo-ing.
my husband comes from a very, very large family of breeders and i do mean breeders- people who have had children solely because they like the attention they get when pregnant, to keep a man, to get unconditional love (try G-d)or a golden retriever i always say- you will not get this from children). he enjoys his freedom, plans to spend the rest of our lives traveling and moving around, and yet claims to want children, just not yet. much of this is caused by his family, who have all had at least one child by the time they were are age (maybe more) and can’t understand why such a smart wonderful man wouldn’t want to reproduce. Every time we visit he is bombarded with questions such as “how many children do you want? boys or girls? etc). i am lucky enough to come from a family who is very open minded (we were all “surprises”, every last member born since 1945)
i’m writing this post mainly to state that men get bingo-ed a lot too. not all men want children, however are pressured as much if not more so than women to have them, in some cultures. CF men’s manhoods are questioned, not only their virility but their entire status as a being- how could a man not want to provide for a family? and a wife doesn’t count- a family has at least 2.3 children.
sigh. i’m afraid one day our paths will lead to divorce, as i refuse to have children that neither one of us honestly wants. luckily we both plan on going through intensive schooling, and by the time we’re done will likely not be fertile. still, i wish my husband could be more courageous in admitting his desire to be CF