Knock Myself Up? I’d Rather Be Childfree
11 02 2008This post is inspired by ChildfreeSinceSix. Read it to the end and you’ll see why.
Louise Sloan, author of the book “Knock Yourself Up” – thinks I’ve judged her rather unfairly in my article about her book. For a fair crack at her she suggests I read her book, you know the book about ways to have a baby if, sorry, when there’s no man in the picture. No need to hang around waiting for a man. You can “Knock Yourself Up.”
It’s supposedly a “humorous look at the new breed of single mothers.” Frankly I think it’s about women whose need to breed makes them determined to have a child at all costs and if a man hasn’t turned up, no matter. A supply of readily available sperm is is all that’s needed, plus an ability to work out the little matter of logistics, – getting the sperm into the right place at the right time. Funny to some.
Ms Sloan advised me that she’d been misquoted by the UK media (that seems to be the new excuse for people who seek the press but don’t much like how they represent them if such representation isn’t favourable), according to her they’d put words in her mouth. Seriously? Judging from her site – where it appears that a lot of the media input came from – they didn’t seem to need to put much in her mouth at all.
Ms Sloan thinks that if I took the time to read her book and spent more time on her site I would see that she “cared about the needs of the child too”. Well, I visited her site. I’m not interested in reading her book. And she’s wrong.
When I read the article about her (and her book) the thing that hit me most was her self-centeredness and that of those I’d now call the single breeders. I haven’t changed my opinion even after visiting her site .
I don’t need to read her book to know that despite her protestations that she does think about the needs of her child, deliberately having a child in a way that is going to deprive that child of it’s father is completely disregarding the needs of the child. The child isn’t given a choice to have a father because all that matters to these women is that they want to have a child.
How anyone can justify that the need for a child overrides the needs of the child and actually publish a flippant book about it makes me want to throw up. But of course they will. Because of course, they want what they want. A baby, without which they feel incomplete unfulfilled. And until the men stop throwing their sperm around for anyone who’s willing to do a couple of Trysts with a Turkey baster, I suppose it’s going to be left to the fatherless kids to try and pick up the pieces when they get old enough to do so.
Ms Sloan has an innovative way of countering questions about her son’s birth:
She says, “Scott doesn’t have a dad; I had him on my own.” “It lets folks know the unusual answer in a gentler way. Then if they want to know more, I can go into the donor story.”
I thought CFSinceSix’s response was illuminating – and moving.
“HOW DARE YOU assume that a child not want a father. Britgirl said this, and I quote:
“Right. But he does have a dad. Or at least maybe he would have liked the choice to have a Dad. Perhaps the deliberately “sans father” kids will let you know when they get old enough.”
She is absolutely correct. It would have been nice to have a choice on that matter.”
If you haven’t already, I encourage you to read CFSince6’s full comment in its entirety. I certainly hope Ms Sloan and those jumping on her bandwagon read and take note. here’s an excerpt, which I felt well worth highlighting:
“I was watching Snoop Dogg’s show, “Father Hood” a couple of weeks ago and he was having a moment with his daughter about how to start her singing career. I cried. I had to turn away because I ached for that as a child. I could see how my uncles treated, nutured, reared, and loved their daughters - my cousins. Or my female friends. Or how male cousins or male friends had special relationships with their fathers. Even my boyfriend. And a part of me envies that.
You think about denying your child the love, affection, attention, education, nurturing, etc. that you are denying your child by not having his father around. And don’t give me that lame, “But I have male friends who can give my child all that and be a role model” bullshit. Because it is NOT the same. I had male role models, my uncles.
But. IT IS NOT THE SAME.
Selfish breeder bitches like you are pathetic. At least you got what you wanted, regardless of the long term consequences are not just to your child, but to the man who you used to get sperm. It is no longer about you. It is about your child now.”
Ms Sloan you probably could care less. And the only firm conclusion I drew then is the one I still have now: you and the other women so desperate to breed that just the sperm will do are all to willing to deny those children the right to know and to have a father because YOUR need for a child is greater as far as you are concerned. You had the choice. They do not.
I’m glad I’m not that desperate to breed. I’m not as naive as you seem to be to think that deliberately going into single motherhood won’t have far reaching implications on the child, who did not ask to be here, just so you could get your needs met. But then, isn’t it down to “I want, therefore I shall have?”
I’d rather be childfree. I know for sure I’ll not be producing any kids who may spend many years of their life wondering where their Dads are or who their Dad’s are. Like ChildfreeSince6, I’m sorry for the children with these women as their mothers. Good luck explaining their origins with “they don’t have a father.”
They may beg to differ.
Want A Child? No Man? No Problem. Knock Yourself Up
Technorati Tags: Childfree, childfree
The more information I am reading on Louise Sloan and the Knock Yourself Up craze the more I wonder if these women of affluence are giving the “general” audience the wrong impression of single motherhood. Putting the opinion of the importance of a stable, loving father to the side what it still comes down to is just how hard it is for 99% of the women who are single mothers regardless as to whether they do it themselves or not. Ms. Sloan is a freelance writer with the ability to dictate her own schedule and with the success of her book have the ability to hire extra help, the kind of help the extra two hands in the form of a father would normally provide.
Bring me your average weary and tired single mother who is desperately trying to keep her sanity together as she works fulltime and provides the fulltime support of her children. Guaranteed those women, even in the love and devotion of their children, have a much less casual take on single motherhood.
I always imagined, that having kids, were part of creating a “traditional family”. Crazy how someone deliberately creates a single-parent child.
No one NEEDS a child. A child is not a necessity for life. One will not DIE without procreating.
They WANT….
a baby to play dress up with
someone others can coo over
a kodak moment
someone to love them unconditionally
a baby shower
a best friend
Selfish…?
EBC - The thing is, I bet that even if they found it hard work we would never hear about it because that might put off the single women now contemplating having a kid and spoil the rosy dream of DIY motherhood.
Much like the smoke and mirrors of parenthood, where we always told it’s well worth the struggle, and that you “forget” how hard it is because you can look at what you’ve produced…etc. Almost every parent I’ve know says that no matter the preparation you’re never prepared for parenthood. And that’s with a mother AND a father pitching in.
My younger sister is a single parent - and certainly not by design. When her toe-rag of a husband started being violent (she was, oh, probably about 6 months pregnant and the time) she kicked him out and changed the locks. She’s an admirable lady and my niece is great. She works full time and so childcare is a must. She is fortunate she has a network of supportive friends, as family don’t live near.
Even if she did not tell me how hard it can be, I know how hard it is and how much of a struggle it is to bring up a child solo when you never planned for it to be the case. So when these breeders present such a lighthearted view, casually and deliberately putting aside the fatherhood aspect simply because they are slaves to their supposed biological clocks… well EBC, you’ve said it politely. They make me want to upchuck.
And another thing… the self-serving aspect is apparent. I think of that when I think of the myriads of children who would actually like to have ANY parent. But no. They must have their own flesh and blood baby.
Wow. I was going to come back and apologize for being rude to one of your commentators, Britgirl. Then I find this post.
I completely agree that purposeful single-motherhood is self-serving and the ultimate in selfishness. It’s still disgusting denying a child the right to a father. They will never know what that will do to their children.
Clearly this is not being done out of love but a selfish greedy want that overcomes many women when all they can think about is having a baby. Feh is correct, this is not a biological need. BREATHING is a biological need, not breeding.
And really, you bring up an excellent point about how it MUST be their own flesh and blood. AS IF these women are all that. If they truly feel they had something to offer as a mother, why not adopt? The ONLY leeway I will give here is that I understand that it can be EXTREMELY difficult to adopt children here in the States. Or atleast, so I’ve been told. So that it’s actually easier to pop one out yourself is you’re so desperate. But I don’t think it’s due to any dificulty in adopting but more due to a feeling of self importance and grandiosity.
No, people. You canNOT have it all. It is a MYTH.
Well done. True, people may call the childfree selfish, but who are we hurting with our selfishness? These women are affecting an innocent life with their selfishness to breed regardless of the situation.
MAYBE..I am pushing it a little far..?! But..:
First day at school: “Sooooo….what is YOUR father doing?”..
“Father??? What is that??????”
Prospects…?
Since I grew up with both parents, I can not put myself in the position of having no father around, but I can understand it has its minus.
The variety of families have changed. But still, what is Sloan and her ilk (nice word by the way..), going to tell the child when asking for a father. Would she tell the truth or make up a lie? I am not sure which is worse.
but i bet the MOMENT she needs or wants more money she will get in touch with the courts and get this man to pay child support.
She must have missed the episode of Oprah, where “sperm bank babies” who had grown up came on to talk about how they resented their mother for her choice. Many of them were looking for ways to find their father (the donor), whether they wanted it or not… They felt they were robbed of a father by a selfish mother. It’s not all about YOU and your selfish want to reproduce!
Although I’m not opposed to single people who really want (not need. I agree wholeheartedly with the statement that the desire to have a child is just that - a desire and not a basic need) to have a child if they have the economic means to support them, I’m always confused as to why they have to create a new child when there are millions of children languishing in the foster system who desperately need homes.
Seems to me that if they really loved children so much, they’d make an existing child’s life better by adopting them and giving them a loving home.
Just my $.02
The becomming mother, should fill the emptiness inside by herself, not create a child to do this.
Megs I visited those links… and the more I read them the more I find it hard to believe how anyone can put the needs of the children aside for their own. And what gets me is that the donor children, when they want to find their father, are told to be “grateful they were given life!” People deliberately having donor children are sitting on a time bomb… they may say their children don’t need their fathers, but it’s really not their decision to make and the children are now bent on finding the other half of their identity.
But, hey, the women want a baby, right? Looks like that’s all that matters.
Peggy Archer - I guess the children in need of a better life just aren’t good enough to fulfil the “need.”
Shannon - “They felt they were robbed of a father by a selfish mother. It’s not all about YOU and your selfish want to reproduce!”
They were.
Mercurior - It’s a matter of time before sperm donors wake up to the reality that no good deed goes unpunished. Of course the mothers will be after them for child support once it’s allowed… and it will be. Men need to inform themselves about the implications of donating sperm, not just because of multiple kids (and mothers) who might turn up wanting support, but because of the fact they’re creating many kids with no knowledge of who they are.