Childfree - And Honestly, It’s None Of Your Business
24 03 2008Not for the first time have I wondered why the thought of anyone being childfree, wanting to remain childfree or thinking of not having children evokes such a violent reaction in certain circles. See example of last article as case in point. As many have related, when childfree people say tell people of their happy status, it’s enough to make some childed people rear back in in disbelief, righteous indignation, criticism and umbrage.
Why?
A simple expression of difference, such as “No I don’t want kids” seems to be worse than saying “ I’m an axe-murderer.”
Terrible things happen to many kids at the hands of their carers and parent (this is no longer rare, check out the site Parents Behaving Badly) yet all these seemingly pale into significance beside a women or man declaring that they’ve declined to re-produce. And that they are childfree. Without any further thought (and with no brain engagement) the expression of a life choice becomes equal to “ Selfish, child-hater.”
Totally bizarre.
The worst people can become parents. They may not be able to care for their kids. But it’s always o.k. They are never questioned. Never asked “why are you having kids, or why they don’t stop having kids… seeing that the last four of them are all by different fathers. Planning, plotting and lying to unsuspecting – or unwilling – spouses are par for the course – if a baby is the intended outcome.
But say you’re childfree?
- You’re lectured from day one as to how having children is what “makes you” as a woman – or especially as a man. The lecturers don’t lay off either. The more you disagree the more they insist on your breeding imperative
- You’re told how lonely and bitter you are. If you’re obviously happy with your life, you’re told how lonely and bitter you’ll become.
- You’re constantly told by people who don’t even know you that you’re missing out on… well everything you could possibly miss out on
- You’re informed of how “wrong” you are for not re-producing
- Any affinity at all for children is evidence of a) how great a parent you’d be or b) how deep down you really do want children
- You’re told you mustn’t “brag” about your childfree status – gotta keep it under the radar folks, but God help you if you express anything by happiness when hearing of new birth announcements
- You’re informed that you’re at the mercy of your biological clock (if you’re a childfree woman) and that you’ re immature (if you’re a childfree man)
- You, are of course, subjected to all kinds of nosy, intrusive and ignorant questioning by nosy, intrusive ignorant people, for example “but how can you NOT want kids?”
- And the more intolerant extremists lose no time in condemning your lifestyle as “evil”, and “sinful” as clearly they have divine (and therefore fuller) information about you and your lifestyle than you could ever do…and they spend a lot of time thinking about it
- And most of all, a concerted effort is launched to convert you from the error of your all too happy ways into the path of parent-dom. For some reason some childed people think this is their mission in life…
I won’t list the assumptions.
To a greater of lesser extent, most childfree people get the above – and more. If you’re a childfree person sitting on the fence, take note and be prepared. You shouldn’t have to defend your choice, but you will find yourself feeling you need to do so. At every turn (except if you’re fortunate enough to come from the most supportive family and meet similarly supportive people) you’ll be confronted with pressure to re-produce. The hard sell.
And by the way – be grateful for those parents you know who do none of the above. They are uncommon.
What we’re also told when we choose to voice any dissenting voices against the status quo, is that we should be more “accommodating” and “understanding” of parents and children. There is no pre-requisite for them to so the same of course.
What we’d like is for people to keep their noses and their misguided opinions out of our re-productive choices, decisions and business. Don’t “advise” us to be parents when we’ve said we don’t wish to be.
Because honestly? It’s none of their business. And it’s time we made that clear.
Technorati Tags: childfree, childfree, childfree
I get the “LECTURE”, but with me its different, i have gotten, you should have children because your smart, and we need smart children. (the other one is i must breed more because we are running out of white children.)
i have gotten the You’re being immature for not having kids, having kids make you grow up. once people see my passion for not having kids.. I think people on this board know that LOL.. they generally stop.
I hate, i mean really hate, the idea that a stranger knows more about my life, than i do. I know i would be a bloody awful father, i have problems, that these people dont know. yet they assume they know better
as if spooting out a kid, somehow gives you the secrets of the universe. thats what i really hate. and i go for them.. i rip them a new one. but thats me. perhaps the next time they speak to a cf, they may say i wont say anything incase merc hears about it..
Ugh! I get this all the time. When asked when my husband and I will have kids, I merely say “We’ve decided that kids aren’t for us,” and try to move on to a different subject. That usually leads to being asked, “Not now, or not ever?” That’s when I’ll reply that we don’t want children now or ever. Our minds are made up and there’s no “reasoning” with me (although I’ve found that the cf are the ones that have put more thought into NOT producing than the childed have put into popping out kid after kid.) Of course, everyone looks at me like I’ve just sprouted a second head. I don’t like/want/need kids. Get over it. You live your life and I’ll live mine. And yes, I savor every minute of sleeping in on a Saturday morning while your television is blaring obnoxious cartoons at 6:30 a.m. Call me selfish if you want, but it’s my life to live, and I’ll live it how I want.
I really believe the reason some people have such strong reactions to the childfree is that they feel threatened by our choice. All of a sudden they are faced with the idea that having children is a choice, a decision that they made and they realize that they didn’t even bother to think about it. Seeing that we thought about it and decided differently presents them with a vision of the way their life could have been and some people resent that. They resent being reminded that they chose mindlessly. I think these people often regret having children yet can’t admit it. Instead they lash out at those of us who chose to be childfree because we aren’t conforming to their view. Misery loves company, as the saying goes.
Alternately the parents I meet who do not make such remarks are the ones who have also gone through the same thinking process I have and chosen to have children. Because it was a conscious, deliberate choice for them, they don’t find the childfree choice threatening. It’s just a different choice to theirs. They have already done their thinking. Another’s decision has no bearing on their own.
Only the people who don’t think about it beforehand get angry and by then, it’s too late. You can’t change your mind about kids once they are there.
I let people know I’m childfree if the topic comes up and also on online profiles, as I think the more common it becomes the more accepted it’ll become. It’s not the be all and end all of who I am but it is a part of my identity and lifestyle.
I don’t mind an intelligent discussion on the whole thing and I will happily answer questions. I think that people should be allowed to ask and learn as long as they’re not going to stand there telling me how I’m “wrong” and that they know me more than I know myself. I always emphasise that I do NOT speak for every childfree person and that everyone has their own reasons.
I am so lucky to have friends who have children and they are really understanding about my decision and support it. First ever time I told some of them, they were quite shocked and a couple of them horrified but when I explained myself, they understood and although some to this day totally disagree they quit lecturing me.
Dogess - you’re indeed fortunate. I don’t mind an informed discussion either… it’s the judgemental lecturing that is a complete turn off.
mercurior - LOL. Hopefully they then learn that having a kid doesn’t give them the secrets of the universe and that they think before they meet the next childfree person
I was thinking of this post and all the comments this week. And I thought how sad it is that, after all the struggles women have gone through to be seen as independent thinking individuals, rather than support women regardlesstheir choices women are the harshest childfree critics in our pro-natalist society.
Telling a woman of any age that she’ll “change her mind when she meets a man/gets married/her husband wants children… is so backward in this day and age, it’s hard to believe that thinking still exists.
I support every person that rejects that backward thinking… and those of us who have had to endure it for years -more power to us.
I am good at talking, i can talk the hind legs off a donkey and then persuade it to do a marathon.
Strangely all the people i have talked too, who used to bingo me, suddenly says nothing about it ;-).. I have no idea why? LOL
They see my passion, my vehemence, It may not be for everyone speaking to others, and thats good too, i just can and do talk about it only of my skills.
Anybody else here who feel they dont “fit in” when it comes to the general social rules? I do and think its because of my less worried daily life which change my focus compared to a parent, which again place me on a different frequenzy than them.
For me it could be difficult to fight for the CF status because I have a lot of interaction with kids and parents in my job. Most of times I enjoy meeting the kids and also sometimes the parents, but I cant help catching myself thinking I am just giving away a show since I keep silent about my own reproductive choice.
After reading all the interesting comments here it sounds to me I am not the only one “adapting” when it comes to our Cf-status. I dont mean that we are afraid of expressing our choice, but that we put up with more than we sometimes feel comfortable with.
The focus should definetly be more on who are not capable of having children. The society are not prepared to deal with all the misbehaved kids. And because we never know who is going to end up in jail/be a murderer etc..Its a really bad argument to tell someone having kids because of their bright or beauty.