Like It Is

First of all dear readers – Hello – Britgirl’s back! And I had a fabulous time in England.

There are new rules at Bella Online.  Of the Censoring kind. And several childfree members are leaving have left.

Bella Online - Married No Kids Thread

Bella Online - Married No Kids, later posts

I was informed by another childfree person of this development in the Bella Online, Married No Kids Forum. I do visit Bella Online from time to time (though I would not call myself as regular a visitor as some of the members of Married No Kids, mainly because of time). Each time I was there however I was impressed by the posts, and the open down to earth childfree discussion and conversation. And since several of my posts are linked there I get many hits on Like It Is from the MNK forum, even from articles I wrote many months ago.

Now though, that there have been “complaints” about the forum. These appear to centre on using certain words considered derogatory. “Breeder” and “it” when referring to people who have children and to children respectively.

You will have to read the post thread to get the full story – as I don’t want to present half the story. It’s not hard though to get an idea of what has happened. On one hand the moderator is considering whether she wants to carry on moderating the forum. On the other, and this is what really stopped me is that there have apparently been complaints against some of the members that post in the forum. What those complaints are about (or who they’re against) nobody is quite sure. From reading the posts it appears that those less understanding about the childfree have seen fit to complain.

Anyway, I encourage you to read through the threads… perhaps beginning with the last post. Some CF members are going to set up their own blog where they can talk and vent about childfree issues without having to watch their words.  I think this is a great idea and the way to go. The comments on the forum were extremely interesting to me.

The childfree segment of the population - and indeed of Bella Online -  are a small segment of the population - even though our numbers are growing. Yet our views are rarely recognized in society, they are all but drowned out by the loud voice of a child-crazed society that stubbornly believes that all women should be mothers, all men should be fathers and all couples should be parents. In short, pro-create or you’re nothing and you don’t matter. As one commentator said,

“we spend our lives keeping our mouths shut at work”  - true, as family friendliness doesn’t include non-childed people unless we force it.

And now, increasingly in forums and online, the childfree are having to walk on eggshells to appease those who don’t like some of things we say.

We use disclaimers… if we don’t want kids, don’t forget the disclaimer that “oh we don’t hate kids, we just don’t want our own.”

Or, “I don’t mean your kid when I’m talking about the ill-behaved juvenile who’s just beaten up a fellow citizen.” Of course not.

We now have to specify, as another poster said, if we are talking about parents that

“it’s not all parents, just the stupid ones. Hey, my best friends are parents!”

We add disclaimers like “most childfree people like kids,” which  may be true, except that there are some that, like or not DO NOT like kids. That’s their right. ( It doesn’t make someone a child-hater - or worse).  And it’s odd that those who blab about liking so much kids have no issue with the steady stream of abuse meted out towards some of them and the equally steady stream of bad parents who are unable to see beyond their own narrow and often ill-informed perspective. Did I say narrow?

Now, that in itself isn’t my problem. I understand that people want to have children and for some odd reason many women feel incomplete without children as their raison d’etre. I know many parents give less than two minutes thought to why they became parents, but I get it. And frankly, I don’t really care.

The thing is I don’t visit parenting blogs, or fertility or kiddie blogs to get a rise or to tell them how great being childfree is. So I wonder why then we have to appease those on the other side of the fence? Do we now have to watch what we say in childfree forums and online? To make childed parents who happen to stray in feel “comfortable? Play nice, folks or someone’ll get their knickers in a twist about your childfree views and expressions. Be bland, conform.  If that isn’t censorship (which is righteously denied of course) I wonder what is.

I read almost all the posts in the thread and they make fascinating reading. They were well balanced. I encourage you to read them as well.

Meanwhile,  many are leaving Married No Kids to set up their own blog it’s a loss to the forum but at least they won’t have to worry about the thought police and being told what they should and should not say and do. It seems to me that there are enough signs of creeping censorship to convince childfre-ers that MNK is no longer the place for them to do share the ups (and in particular the downs) of their childfree lives.  So, quite rightly they’re upping stakes and moving on to where they don’t have to restrict to appease.

Very sad that yet another childfree space may soon cease to be, yet I’m looking forward to even greater things from them.

Word to the wise. It’s impossible to please everyone. It just can’t be done. You are going to offend someone somewhere.  That’s life.

Your thoughts.

Note - this post has been slightly edited - (but happily, never censored)! 

One of the great things about being childfree is that my husband and I can simply decide we want to travel –and just do it. And this week that’s what I’m doing. I’m off to England for a week…. just because I want to. Although many childed people will tell me that having their kids is well worth the sacrifice of spontaneity, and that a smile from their child makes up for everything;that I am missing out on so many things – that’s their truth, not mine. I see more childed people using the term “childfree” to describe a break from the children, whether that’s a coffee break at Starbucks or a holiday without the kids. Interesting to see how the term is being somewhat hijacked, since being childfree has to do with deciding not to have kids in the first place… rather than trying to escape from them one they’ve arrived Even more parents tell me they wish they could just have some time away from the kids… just for themselves… and that I’m lucky to be able to take off when I want to.

It isn’t really luck. It’s looking ahead, listening learning, considering and then deciding what’s best for my life and taking decisions and actions. Different decisions and actions to the mainstream, but isn’t that what choice is all about? I don’t call that luck. I call it sensible. If I had children I knew there would be certain things that would have to take a back seat for a very long time. So I made my choice and every day I’m happy that I made the right choice.

As childfree men and women, regardless of whether or not we like children or have them in our lives through work or family interaction, we are bombarded by the message that to have children is to live. To have many of them exalts you to even loftier levels, therefore breeding kids is what it’s (aka life) is all about. While our close circle of supportive friends may not repeat that message quite as much (since they may have given up faced with our refusal to buy into it, society as a whole subscribes to this mantra big time. From cradle to grave, your every need is marketed to – if you are a parent. If you are childfree it’s a different story – and that’s a point I’ll be touching on in another post.

So, while some try to convince me think I’ve made a choice I couldn’t possibly be happy with I like to remind myself to the thankful for my blessings. I hear many parents complain. About

• How hard parenting is
• How expensive it is to have children
• How expensive child-care is
• How friends don’t step forward to baby sit
• How they can no longer do things together
• How they need to get the latest (fill in the blank) for the kids because (fill in the blank)
• How they can’t spend enough time with kids because of work…
• How fast the children grow
• How….( fill the blank – again)

You get the picture.

Yes, bringing up kids is hard. Stuff has to go. I got it then, and I get it now. Are the above true? Yes, they are. But since it was their choice to have them, why do parents complain? Children take everything you have – and more – which is part of the reason I didn’t want to have any. O.K, I know that complaining is often a way of life, we all do it. But when it comes to my life, particularly when I have some person going on about how life would not be worth living if they didn’t have their kids (yawn) and how I’ve missed out on the most life changing experience every woman wants…. (oh, please) – I think otherwise.

So, here are some of the reasons I am happy I’m childfree. It’s a list I made some time back and it rings true still. I would guess that many childfree people can identify with at least a few of these.

• More energy to nurture my marriage
• A closer and more intimate relationship with my husband
• More time and energy for my career
• Spontaneity
• Freedom
• More time and energy to devote to any other endeavor I choose to
• More money with which to live more comfortably
• More disposable income
• Greater choice as to where we live and work (read no commute)
• More money and time to travel
• More time and energy for to personal/professional development
• More time and energy to volunteer
• And a whole lot more…

All the above are important to me. And I’m sure other childfree people will have their own reasons. The most important though is that I’m happy with my choice because it’s right for me. It really matters not what others think.

Since we are so often told by the childed that our lives are sad (as opposed to their happy ones), it’s well worth remembering the above.

When you’re happily childfree and people insist on telling you you’re going to be unhappy, counting and living the reasons why you’re happy is a great way to tune them out. They don’t know what they’re talking about. You, on the other hand do.

So, enjoy your life. When people tell me I need kids to be happy I know it’s nonsense. If you’re still getting the pressure from others or you’ve just discovered the world of being childfree (and yes, that you DO have a choice) you might be tempted to believe the myth.

No need. You don’t have to have kids to live a happy, fulfilled, adventurous and thankful life. Having children is a choice.

Back in a week or so folks – but I will be checking in. Have a great week!

Technorati Tags: childfree, childfree

Purple Women And Friends has closed its doors for the last time. I was sad to read this. The online space will be all the poorer for it, but I can completely understand Teri’s reasons… the sheer effort to keep the high quality she had and to make it a place where childfree people could converse is considerable. And, when you’re working full time, it’s a jolly sight harder. I should know.

Thanks for all your effort and contributions to the childfree universe Teri – and best wishes in your future endeavours!

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A childfree reader of Like It Is from Australia sent me this interesting story (thank you V!) and I wanted to share it with you all. The story is from Australia’s Daily Telegraph, but the actual link has disappeared (or goes to a non-standard web page) so I am posting the story and some of the comments here. Some of the comments are just spot on. Enjoy.

“RETAIL giant Gerry Harvey said it was no secret that couples were splurging the baby bonus on televisions, alcohol and holidays.

The Harvey Norman boss said he had seen young families spending their baby bonus on wide-screen television and computers.

“They’ve called it the plasma bonus, haven’t they? They spend it on everything,” Mr Harvey told The Daily Telegraph yesterday. The revelation from one of Australia’s biggest retailers comes as the Federal Government considers dramatic changes to the baby bonus scheme, effectively cancelling out the lump-sum arrangements currently in place.

One proposal being examined would include 14 weeks’ paid maternity leave rather than a $4133 payment to new mothers, which is due to rise to $5000 on July 1 this year.

Mr Harvey said there would be a small ripple effect felt along a number of retail industries if the lump sum system was changed.” If they pulled it, it would have a very minimal effect on Harvey Norman, but it goes across every sector from alcohol to food to entertainment and overseas trips. It goes to everything,” he said.

ACTU president Sharan Burrow this week said the new incentives being examined by the Rudd Government would include a paid maternity leave scheme. She said it would be delivered in weekly or fortnightly instalments rather than in a lump sum that could be spent on luxury goods.

A 14-week scheme paid at the minimum wage rate would give women $7310.

The Government has asked the Productivity Commission to inquire into the structure of a Government-funded scheme.The baby bonus was introduced by John Howard in 2004 to help parents meet some of the initial costs associated with having a baby.”

Source: The Daily Telegraph

Here are some of the comments. As there were 160 of them I thought a selection would suffice – I’m sure you’ll have no trouble adding your own. It doesn’t look as if Australia has paid maternity leave. But it looks like getting paid to reproduce is the key to a spending spree anyway. And taxpayers, among whom are the childfree of course get nothing – while they have to contribute not only to peoples need to have kids, but to their apparent willingness to splurge.

I like this comment by Pissed off myself: “What I want to know is - where is MY BONUS for not having children and bludging off the rest of the country !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Seems that being self-sufficient counts for nothing these days. Except to be a never ending resource for funding the desires of others – including, it seems luxury goods.Having kids could be quite the cash cow. And the funny thing is that these childed will be the ones who turn around and tell us we are leeching off society because we’re not breeding (and creating more little taxpayers – presumably to fund our old age. We considered the cost of having children.  Yet here we are with people who clearly can’t afford kids but still have them and need government support  and the childfree are funding them instead??!

Comments from the article:

“Rebecca from Caufield, the Government (ie, the taxpayer) does not owe you because you want to have kids. Your situation is far from unique and everyone else seems to get buy. Either means test it and give it in the from of fortnightly payments, or put it into free public education.

Posted by: Andrew of Engadine 1:25pm today

Thanks for your comments Sara. Once again I ask why I should pay for your need to be a mum? To be frank, I don’t care about your needs. Yes, I am selfish, so what? So is your belief that I should fund your need to reproduce. I dont see the correlation between that and highways, as one benefits the society in whole and the other just satisfies your dream of being a mummy. Get over yourself. Read the rest of this entry »

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