Childfree… And The Living Is Spontaneous
14 04 2008One of the great things about being childfree is that my husband and I can simply decide we want to travel –and just do it. And this week that’s what I’m doing. I’m off to England for a week…. just because I want to. Although many childed people will tell me that having their kids is well worth the sacrifice of spontaneity, and that a smile from their child makes up for everything;that I am missing out on so many things – that’s their truth, not mine. I see more childed people using the term “childfree” to describe a break from the children, whether that’s a coffee break at Starbucks or a holiday without the kids. Interesting to see how the term is being somewhat hijacked, since being childfree has to do with deciding not to have kids in the first place… rather than trying to escape from them one they’ve arrived Even more parents tell me they wish they could just have some time away from the kids… just for themselves… and that I’m lucky to be able to take off when I want to.
It isn’t really luck. It’s looking ahead, listening learning, considering and then deciding what’s best for my life and taking decisions and actions. Different decisions and actions to the mainstream, but isn’t that what choice is all about? I don’t call that luck. I call it sensible. If I had children I knew there would be certain things that would have to take a back seat for a very long time. So I made my choice and every day I’m happy that I made the right choice.
As childfree men and women, regardless of whether or not we like children or have them in our lives through work or family interaction, we are bombarded by the message that to have children is to live. To have many of them exalts you to even loftier levels, therefore breeding kids is what it’s (aka life) is all about. While our close circle of supportive friends may not repeat that message quite as much (since they may have given up faced with our refusal to buy into it, society as a whole subscribes to this mantra big time. From cradle to grave, your every need is marketed to – if you are a parent. If you are childfree it’s a different story – and that’s a point I’ll be touching on in another post.
So, while some try to convince me think I’ve made a choice I couldn’t possibly be happy with I like to remind myself to the thankful for my blessings. I hear many parents complain. About
- How hard parenting is
- How expensive it is to have children
- How expensive child-care is
- How friends don’t step forward to baby sit
- How they can no longer do things together
- How they need to get the latest (fill in the blank) for the kids because (fill in the blank)
- How they can’t spend enough time with kids because of work…
- How fast the children grow
- How….( fill the blank – again)
You get the picture.
Yes, bringing up kids is hard. Stuff has to go. I got it then, and I get it now. Are the above true? Yes, they are. But since it was their choice to have them, why do parents complain? Children take everything you have – and more – which is part of the reason I didn’t want to have any. O.K, I know that complaining is often a way of life, we all do it. But when it comes to my life, particularly when I have some person going on about how life would not be worth living if they didn’t have their kids (yawn) and how I’ve missed out on the most life changing experience every woman wants…. (oh, please) – I think otherwise.
So, here are some of the reasons I am happy I’m childfree. It’s a list I made some time back and it rings true still. I would guess that many childfree people can identify with at least a few of these.
- More energy to nurture my marriage
- A closer and more intimate relationship with my husband
- More time and energy for my career
- Spontaneity
- Freedom
- More time and energy to devote to any other endeavor I choose to
- More money with which to live more comfortably
- More disposable income
- Greater choice as to where we live and work (read no commute)
- More money and time to travel
- More time and energy for to personal/professional development
- More time and energy to volunteer
- And a whole lot more…
All the above are important to me. And I’m sure other childfree people will have their own reasons. The most important though is that I’m happy with my choice because it’s right for me. It really matters not what others think.
Since we are so often told by the childed that our lives are sad (as opposed to their happy ones), it’s well worth remembering the above.
When you’re happily childfree and people insist on telling you you’re going to be unhappy, counting and living the reasons why you’re happy is a great way to tune them out. They don’t know what they’re talking about. You, on the other hand do.
So, enjoy your life. When people tell me I need kids to be happy I know it’s nonsense. If you’re still getting the pressure from others or you’ve just discovered the world of being childfree (and yes, that you DO have a choice) you might be tempted to believe the myth.
No need. You don’t have to have kids to live a happy, fulfilled, adventurous and thankful life. Having children is a choice.
Back in a week or so folks – but I will be checking in. Have a great week!
Technorati Tags: childfree, childfree
Have a fantastic trip, my dear!
Your post reminds me of people who complain that I, as a teacher, have those long summer holidays and that I’m lucky to have them. I do acknowledge that I am quite fortunate to have that time off, but luck had little to do with it. I worked my tail off to get into Teachers’ College, at a time when there was a glut of teachers and you needed to be extra special (or French speaking!) to land a job. I went into a profession I thought would be fulfilling, and look back 18 years later and still think I have one of the best jobs on the planet. I always tell the people who want my job or envy it that there are plenty of teacher colleges waiting for their applications. I never apologise for the perks that I enjoy because I did not choose them and they come with the job, which anyone can choose to do if they find the perks so great. It’s easy to complain, but harder still to make decisive choices and live with the results. Good for the childfree for enjoying the perks of their lifestyle choices.
xx
AM
( And for what it’s worth, it’s a great perk, but it doesn’t make the other 40 weeks easy you don’t like what you do)
Agreed with all of this as usual. Your first point about the term “childfree” being hijacked was amusing to me, and got me thinking about the other term. The parents should be calling those moments “childless” when they get a break or vacation from their children. It would be more fitting, since most (good) parents don’t like to be away from their beloved progeny for too long.
But that’s just my opinion… I could be wrong!
Have a wonderful time catching up with friends and family (or just hanging out with your soul mate). This is a post with excellent timing; we have 2 major vacations and 3 minor weekends away this year and are experiencing childcare issues of our very own. With the issues we are having finding appropriate care for our two dogs I just don’t know how people with children do it. It’s so hard to offer money to friends or throw human children into a kennel- authorities generally frown upon that type of behavior.
I agree with you so much! 25-year-old American here who got the snip over a year ago, and believe me there’s a lot more of this baby talk on our side of the pond. I especially like what you write about the “complainers.” Of course it does need to be said that, especially in America, a lot of the babies were NOT planned at all (although even those who are “trying” usually never think about WHY they want kids), since they don’t use reliable BC and don’t consider abortion an option (save a fetus, ruin three lives, and add to overpopulation to boot! Thank Dog for the pro-lifers). But in the end that is still their decision and the consequence of their choices.
First of all.. girl! I’m SO ENVIOUS of you! My boyfriend has been to Amsterdam (10 years ago) and loves it. I’ve never been to “the other side of the pond.” I wish I could. Just because we’re childfree doesn’t always mean we have money to just drop what we’re doing and go jet setting. (A misconception so many of the childed have.) So I want to give you a hearty “Bon voyage!” and I hope you have a FABULOUS time!
Now, let me add to your list of why we childfree should be grateful:
* We can take showers when we need to. I don’t know how many times I’ve read about how some mothers have not taken a shower in days because they’re so busy with the bratlings. Uhm. Ew.
* You can take a crap alone. No worries of some kid barging in and just standing there and talking, or knocking on the door and asking if you’re in there (when you JUST walked in!), etc.
* No refereeing fights.
* Sit down meals with not so many dishes to wash.
* You don’t have to pick up toys, dirty underwear/socks/clothes that the kids leave All. Over. The. Place.
* No banal cartoons on the TV in the background.
* You won’t have the La Leche militia all over you if you decided not to breastfeed… because you don’t have kids!
* You won’t end up with poop, vomit, snot, half chewed food, or other gross liquids all over you. (Had a coworker show up to work like this. It was disgusting.)
* Your vacation won’t have to be family oriented, although it could be if you wanted.
* This is something I see with many men who are fathers or single women: You’re not beholden to a job due to a family to support. We do have more disposable income, sure. Maybe. But we also don’t have the stressors of supporting a family that parents have. While some parents have this luxury, many do not. I have been able to simply walk off a job if I was not comfortable with it. I would have the support of my boyfriend, but I also don’t have the worry of children to support. I am able to find a work situation that I enjoy and like, rather than “put up” with The Man because of having a family I have to support. (This is to extend your point about choosing where to work and live.)
* Not as much housework. There was a recent study done that married women do more house work than married men. By 7 hours. I know that in my household, my boyfriend does all of his own laundry, cleans his own room and bathroom, and anything else that is “his.” I do the same with my “side.” I have a litter box to clean, but that is because the cats are mine and so they are my responsibility. But! When it comes to the common areas, kitchen, living room, etc. we share in the responsibilities. Since we both work, we share household expenses. I have found that this is the case for many childfree couples. Couples where there is a stay at home mom.. well, guess who is beholden to the money maker?
* You don’t have in-laws or other family members butting their business into how you should raise your family (excepting the fact that they butt in with the “you should have children” noseyness.)
* I’m a gamer. Do you think I have to wait until after the kids’ bedtime to play Guitar Hero and relax? No. I can do that right when I get home. Now, I know a lot of parents would simply say I’m being selfish. But I’m not at all being selfish.
* You won’t have some sullen teen ager cause you angst and anguish, depleting you financially and only showing you gratitude when you go away and quit embarassing them by being around. I completely agree the being a parent is a thankless job.
* You already KNOW your kids won’t be around to help in your old age - because you don’t have any. Rather than end up disappointed and bitter because you EXPECTED your children to help and they decide not to “pay you back” by helping you.
Ok, I think I’ve made enough points. I like what Anne-Marie said: we get to enjoy the perks of our lifestyle choices. If someone else doesn’t like it, tough. Three words for them: Bed. Made. Lie.
I sometimes try to imagine myself how fulfilled life would be with a kid…. the kodak-moments just flash in front of my eyes.
When I then think about what parenting is really about, the Kodak-moments are turned into a black and white horror-movie.
I am sure many people find meaning in life by struggling to make a family with kids go around. And if you spend enough time in a situation you will sooner or later quit thinking about how unsatisfactory things are around you. Probably thats why some people are so hostile towards the CF, because it reminds them…about how it could have been and how it used to be..!?
I am still glad my family-jewels are childproof.
Wow, it sounds like you have life like Brian & I! We’ve already been to Mexico and Aspen this year.
I am a 46-yr-old childfree who is writing a book called “Kidfree & Lovin’ It,” which explores the reasons we’re childfree (like your list above), and the issues we sometimes face (i.e. lost friends who decided to breed.)
I have an online survey that over 1,600 childfree people from the U.S., Canada, U.K. and around the world have taken, and I would love you to take it too! (As well as all of you childfree people out there!) The results and many of the quotes will be posted in the book, and you can remain anonymous if you wish. Just click on this link to take you there:
http://tinyurl.com/2lcjah
Have a great time in England! (My sister-in-law is from Kent), and thanks for introducing me to this great childfree blog!
Kidfree Kaye
http://www.kidfreeandlovinit.com
Great post! I feel like I could have written it myself. Being childfree isn’t about luck, it’s a wonderful existence that is the result of careful thought and decision, something far too few people are interested in. Enjoy your trip!
I wish I had found this site sooner. I wanted a child and my husband didn’t. Eventually, he said we would try next year and soon after he cooperated in conceiving our daughter but immediately regretted afterwards. He asked me to have an abortion but I could not bring myself to do it. He cheated on me with many women during my pregnancy and now we are headed towards divorce. I should have taken more seriously my husband’s objections towards having a child. Now I am a single Mum.
But the idea of being childfree has been around for decades, centuries even.
Most men agree, to have a bit of peace and quiet to stop the nagging. When a lot of men, dont want them.
But thats the problem with a lot of couples, one thinks the other should change, you knew your husband didnt want one, and rather than respecting his beleifs, *you* chose to have a child. Wouldnt it have been better if you had split before the child was born, that bringing a child into a single mother household, with all the detrimental effects involved, would have never happened.
so which would have been better, a childfree life with your husband, or a single motherhood? But people dont think about this situation, its always i will change my partners mind.
You got that right, mercurior. People just don’t think. Sometimes some women are so filled with “I gotta have a baaaaybeee!” that they don’t truly listen to what their husbands are saying or what they want. And they are surrounded by their mothers and sisters who are on “their side” and help to pressure the man. It’s sad, to be sure.
I can only hope that Melissa has learned from this and apply this to all areas of her life. Hard lesson to learn, to be sure, and the child suffers.
Right on, sister! I’ve noticed the comments changing with age, from the smug (exhausted, single) mothers at work sneering “You’ll change your mind!” to my 25-year-old self, to 40something grandmothers now telling my 40something self, “You made the smart move.” Ditto on the travelling — I celebrated my 40th birthday by taking myself to Europe for a month. I distinctly remember drinking beer and eating spicy olives on a lazy Monday afternoon atop the Samaritaine, with all of Paris spread before me…just GUESS how lonely and unfulfilled I felt at that precise moment.
Y’all are great! I’m almost 40 too and right now, I’m sitting on my screened-in back porch drinking an ice cold beer, listening to the light rain and birds and admiring my absolutely gorgeous 20 acres of 100 year old Oaks. Meanwhle, my husband and Old English Mastiff are napping quietly in the den while I watch my horse graze in the pasture.
Yea, I’m SO lonely and sad…..NOT!!!
Yes it would have been better if we had split before conceiving the child. The problem was, my husband went along with conceiving the baby and then asked me for an abortion. We had not discussed abortion prior to this. I considered that abortion and not conceiving a baby were two different things, so in the end I carried on with the pregnancy against his wishes. I could not bring myself to have an abortion. So in answer to the question, which would have been better, a childfree life with my husband, or single motherhood, I would say the former - IF we had not conceived a child in the first place.
CFSinceSix
“You already KNOW your kids won’t be around to help in your old age - because you don’t have any. Rather than end up disappointed and bitter because you EXPECTED your children to help and they decide not to “pay you back” by helping you.”
Yep - And you can plan accordingly and independently.
Yes melissa, exactly, Unfortunatly, The world is very pro child, you were probably pressured to have children by friends, family, society in general.
As all of us cf are, But we thought about it, why, should we, every reason, as in the top post says.
And we decided not to, The decision to not do something, is hard but rewarding, the decision to just have a child irregardless of others feelings is so easy.
Its a pity that you had to discover, this truism how you did melissa. At least you Know now that sometimes its best not to have a child.
Good luck.