Like It Is

The inspiration for this post came from… the comments on my last post!

It’s still a rather chilling thought that for many of us, talking about being childfree as a way of life is in most cases impossible or at the very least difficult. While most people bring up the fact on nearly every opportunity that they’re planing on having kids, or they’ve had kids or that they wished they had kids, or they’re desperate for kids… childfree people either grin and bear it or, when the inevitable question comes around, get their contribution in. The contribution being, of course that no, we don’t want kids, thanks.

It’s not unusual for the conversation to stop then and there (talk about a lead balloon) with others mostly not knowing what to say. Or you get bingoes. The other scenario (one that I employ as much as possible) is to get myself away from the conversation or change the subject.

I (like many childfree folk) don’t sit around talking about how we don’t want to have kids. We don’t sit around talking about kids (duh!) because we’re thinking about other things that hold more importance to us.

Yet, it is impossible to escape the mantra you must reproduce yourself to be counted as a valid member of society. Being able to resist that pressure and live a full life where you can stand your ground and live the life you decide to live is a true distinction and the huge reward of being childfree.

On my last post the comments were, as always, insightful and very thought-provoking.

One commenter said this..

“With every passing day I realize just how smart I am to have remained CF. All that fighting with family and friends, sticking to my gut feelings that parenthood was an over-inflated, cloaked-in-sugar lie was the best decision I’ve ever made in my life. The older I get, the more I realized just how much regret would have filled me had I caved in to the pressures of becoming a parent.”

Too true. Because, as a group we are still not very visible – yet – the fact that the pressure to parent is so intense is underestimated. We have to fight for our own right… parents, friends, colleagues, it seems everyone is bent on trying to change our minds to their way of thinking… produce kids. There is little or no balance -  the message is you must parent.

Exactly why some are so intent on converting the childfree to parenting has never been explained.

While we might be told to “obey our gut instinct” – because it’s rarely wrong, do what’s right for our lives, etc. That has to be dropped at the altar of parenthood. Want a loving close relationship with your spouse or partner? After all isn’t that why you married in the first place? Sure you can have it… only after you’ve had kids. Too late you say? Well, hey, you can fit it in. Make time for yourselves as a couple, get someone to watch the kids. Remember the children come first. That means everything else has to get in line… probably for ever.

(If you want a more detailed insight into that aspect, read the eye-opening posts by m, who’s a parent. Read the rest of this entry »

Technorati Tags: childfree

Yes, this is a bingo. It often comes in the form of a question when trying to convince a childfree person (who’s just said they don’t want children) that they really need to reconsider their choice to be childfree and get on with having kids. I wrote about this bingo a while back. But, as with most bingoes it never seems to be far away to be launched at an unsuspecting childfree person without warning.

Childfree people (and in particular women) are frequently asked whether they’ll regret their decision not to pro-create. The short answer is: “That’s a stupid question.” It’s stupid because, unless one has a crystal ball, there is no way to know what one is going to be thinking 10 or 20 years hence. Having said that, most of the childfree people I know have no regrets. So why should people assume that they are waiting around the corner, just waiting to jump out at us?

Of course, if the bingo gets posed as a question, even though it’s a stupid question, at least it’s a question. Most of the bingoes come in the form of a statement… “Don’t want kids?” You’ll regret it when (fill in the blank here).”

The fact is there’s a greater chance of having children and regretting it (having bought into the myth that it’s what you need to do) than there is in not having children and regretting not doing so. The #1 reason Childfree people are told we’ll regret not having children because “There’ll be no-one to look after you when you get old…”

The fact that there is no guarantee of any child doing that seems not to factor in this argument. As one commentator put if before, there isn’t a child that is trouble free. No-one is guaranteed perfect or even ideal children. But I think the most selfish aspect of this bingo is that a person should have a child as some kind of insurance against feeling “regret”.

And I’ve known many who’ve said they’ll have kids in case they regret NOT doing so when it’s too late! Apparently this seems to be a big factor in the “reasons to have a child” list.

There’s no way anyone can say 100% what they’ll feel in the future. But there are all kinds of things we regret – it’s part of life. In fact, with every decision, and every choice there is the potential to wish you’d made another decision. That’s why they are choices, it’s  part of the deal and it’s just part of life. And the more thought that has gone into a decision, the less chance there is of entertaining regrets. Of course, since most give little thought before they re-produce it’s no wonder this might be somewhat strange to many.

And, let’s face it, if one has regrets – so what?

I have no regrets about being childfree. It’s the right decision for me and it would be odd if it suddenly wasn’t the right decision (I mean, we’re talking years here). I feel that having regrets is a waste of time – and that’s if I even took the time to care. By the time you entertain them it’s usually too late to do anything about them anyway. Turning back the clock isn’t an option. Life is too short for regrets and each thought wasted on them robs you of something else to be thankful for of getting on with. Like the benefits of my childfree life, my freedom of choice or the 101 things there are to be grateful for.

It would be nice if the childed simply stopped trying to convert others to their way of life and thinking, but that’s going to take time. In the meantime should someone smugly infer that you’ll have regrets if you don’t have kids, you can cheerfully tell them. “No, you won’t. But you’re not about to have kids to insure against an imaginary regret.”

And at least you are confident enough to live without needing a child for validation… or old age insurance. Or you can just tell them where to go… that’s my preference.

I’d be interested in you sharing yours – particularly if you’ve had this bingo?

Technorati Tags: childfree

Let’s leave aside the fact that I consider childfree families to be families as well. And the fact that I’m unimpressed with the oft trotted out (and rather tired) “reason” that anyone having children these days is “building the future” and “making the next brood of taxpayers who will “support all of us non-parents in our old age.”

The fact is, regardless of whether the child comes about by accident or by design, people with children get priority, both inside and outside the workplace.

This BBC article has hit the nail on the head with “the family” being one of the many sacred cows that everyone’s afraid to challenge – the assumption that people with children get options that non-childed don’t get a sniff of.

Recently a colleague mentioned he was going on six weeks paternity leave in a couple of weeks to enable his wife go back to work after having their first child. Since our company offers maternity and paternity leave it would be daft of him not to take advantage of it. But I couldn’t help thinking that once more “family friendly” meant that only parents with kids really get the friendliness and benefits such as time off to spend with the children. Childfree people, meanwhile, have to justify every single absence.

Politicians can hardly wait to grab the first baby and kiss it, while promising to deliver to “families” by which they mean people with children only. Families supposedly win more votes, make politicians appear more caring – at least to those who want to be taken in by the lie. As soon as they’re voted in of course they do the same old things as the last lot. And they still manage to see that people with children get preferential treatment.

As the BBC article states, politicians and corporations may need to start rethinking – and soon. For one thing, says the article:

“the patterns of how people live are changing. People living in married couples, for centuries the backbone of traditional family structures, will in the not-too-distant future almost be matched in numbers by single-person households.”

In the UK, the number of people who live alone has has doubled since the 1970’s according to the same article, while the number of people getting married has almost halved.

Where some fast thinking needs to be done is in the workplace. Flexible working should apply to everyone, not just those with children. If a parent is allowed to bunk off and go to hockey matches, school plays and other child-related activities - without having to make up time or have any fewer holidays then why isn’t the same latitude extended to those without kids?

In addition, jobs are held open for those on maternity leave (at least in most forward looking companies in the UK and Canada). Yet the number of women graduates who never have children is set to reach one in three, says the article.

When we hear sound-bites like “hard-working families” it’s not referring to the hardworking singles or childfree people (who can’t simply bunk off, not having the excuse of being childed or pregnant– or both. Yet the childfree work just as hard, if not harder, pay considerably more tax (direct and indirect). In fact, childfree people are working hard to support the rights of those who’ve decided to have children. The amount of tax I pay each year tells me that. And the harder we work, the more tax we pay – with no recognition.

Oh, and anyone who’s waiting on a government pension to support them is in for a rude shock. If you’re not socking money away right now, be prepared to live at poverty levels if you’re waiting for a pension by the time we retire. So much for breeding the new supporting tax payers (who by the way might not get jobs anyway, but that’s another story).

We’re told the childed are breeding the future…whose? And aren’t these new additions going to be using more of the world’s resources?

More importantly, while not asking for benefits for the childfree, equal recognition for time off to do the things that matter to us (and is not related to kids or caring) is long overdue.

Useful tax breaks wouldn’t go amiss either.

Your comments?

Why Do Families Always Come First

Technorati Tags: childfree

How can I keep this short and sweet? I could begin by simply stating how nice it would be to see this statement –

“Childfree. No Justification Required.” But, I fear, that’s a long way away. But it is posts like this that make me sorely wish that that day was Today. Or sometime soon at any rate.

The skinny? Simple. If you’re childfree you don’t need to provide a “good reason” for those who simply don’t get why you’re childfree, but who immediately seem to lose no time to assign possible list of “So-called legitimate reasons not to have children.” According to this post:

Finances? Check.

Medical Issues? Check.

Demanding career? Hang on… erm. Yeah. OK. Check.

Don’t have any mothering in you? Hmmm… Check. I think this must include not having the mythical maternal instinct or a tyrannical biological clock.

Just don’t want kids? Pass.

Don’t like kids? Pass – again.

Now, I did not see the original post when CW sent me this link. But from the post it’s obvious that yet again a childed person had seen fit to rant and vent against the childfree, got a rather unexpected reaction, backtracked and offered standard “I’m sorry if I offended… I didn’t mean to…” But note – the apology is interestingly worded… in fact it appears to only include childfree folk “who love children.”

What did I gather from the post. That yet another childed person who knows no childfree people, and probably sees fit to say that it’s ok to be childfree as long as you have a nice neat reason.

Well, here’s the thing. Some childfree people DON’T like children. Some childfree people DO like children. Some can’t tolerate them – and yes, that includes the nasty, wild out of control juves who make life a hell on earth for their parents and whoever happens to be anywhere around them. I won’t include the kids who like to beat up other kids and take their possessions (oh, they’re only 12… or maybe 14). Ah, yes, but they’re precious.

But all that’s an aside. Childfree people don’t need a reason to be childfree, regardless of whether these are assigned by uninformed childed people who can’t seem to see past their own world view.

Chances are we’ve given far more thought to it than most childed people (many of whom clearly should not be parents).

Instead of trying to make excuses for or fathom why childfree people don’t want to pro-create, why don’t childed people pay more attention to people who simply have kids for the many bingo reasons given to the childfree?

Regardless of the the many reasons that childfree people are…childfree, comments like “It’s OK not to have children if (tick the appropriate box) are pretty patronizing – to say the least.

It is OK to choose not to have children for the simple reason that… wait for it… you don’t want them.

Having children is a choice. If you’re childfree (or a fence-sitter for that matter) you should know that you do not need to justify yourself. The demands to justify reasons why you don’t have/want children come from those with children.

So you don’t understand the way some childfree people feel? Get over it. You don’t need to understand. And, as one of ToThe Ends Of The Earth’s commentators said

The choice not to have children is a personal one and not subject to be judged by the childed… or anyone else.

Thanks, but we really don’t require your permission.

And ChrisW – thanks for finding the link!

Let Me Clarify My thoughts on childfreedom

Technorati Tags: Childfree, childfree