Childfree… But Won’t You Regret It?
19 05 2008Yes, this is a bingo. It often comes in the form of a question when trying to convince a childfree person (who’s just said they don’t want children) that they really need to reconsider their choice to be childfree and get on with having kids. I wrote about this bingo a while back. But, as with most bingoes it never seems to be far away to be launched at an unsuspecting childfree person without warning.
Childfree people (and in particular women) are frequently asked whether they’ll regret their decision not to pro-create. The short answer is: “That’s a stupid question.” It’s stupid because, unless one has a crystal ball, there is no way to know what one is going to be thinking 10 or 20 years hence. Having said that, most of the childfree people I know have no regrets. So why should people assume that they are waiting around the corner, just waiting to jump out at us?
Of course, if the bingo gets posed as a question, even though it’s a stupid question, at least it’s a question. Most of the bingoes come in the form of a statement… “Don’t want kids?” You’ll regret it when (fill in the blank here).”
The fact is there’s a greater chance of having children and regretting it (having bought into the myth that it’s what you need to do) than there is in not having children and regretting not doing so. The #1 reason Childfree people are told we’ll regret not having children because “There’ll be no-one to look after you when you get old…”
The fact that there is no guarantee of any child doing that seems not to factor in this argument. As one commentator put if before, there isn’t a child that is trouble free. No-one is guaranteed perfect or even ideal children. But I think the most selfish aspect of this bingo is that a person should have a child as some kind of insurance against feeling “regret”.
And I’ve known many who’ve said they’ll have kids in case they regret NOT doing so when it’s too late! Apparently this seems to be a big factor in the “reasons to have a child” list.
There’s no way anyone can say 100% what they’ll feel in the future. But there are all kinds of things we regret – it’s part of life. In fact, with every decision, and every choice there is the potential to wish you’d made another decision. That’s why they are choices, it’s part of the deal and it’s just part of life. And the more thought that has gone into a decision, the less chance there is of entertaining regrets. Of course, since most give little thought before they re-produce it’s no wonder this might be somewhat strange to many.
And, let’s face it, if one has regrets – so what?
I have no regrets about being childfree. It’s the right decision for me and it would be odd if it suddenly wasn’t the right decision (I mean, we’re talking years here). I feel that having regrets is a waste of time – and that’s if I even took the time to care. By the time you entertain them it’s usually too late to do anything about them anyway. Turning back the clock isn’t an option. Life is too short for regrets and each thought wasted on them robs you of something else to be thankful for of getting on with. Like the benefits of my childfree life, my freedom of choice or the 101 things there are to be grateful for.
It would be nice if the childed simply stopped trying to convert others to their way of life and thinking, but that’s going to take time. In the meantime should someone smugly infer that you’ll have regrets if you don’t have kids, you can cheerfully tell them. “No, you won’t. But you’re not about to have kids to insure against an imaginary regret.”
And at least you are confident enough to live without needing a child for validation… or old age insurance. Or you can just tell them where to go… that’s my preference.
I’d be interested in you sharing yours – particularly if you’ve had this bingo?
Technorati Tags: childfree
my only regret is, that who will i leave this house too when i die, my brother is cf for medical reasons, i have no one else..
but even this regret, isnt enough to convince me to breed.
If someone gives you that bingo, just smile and say sweetly: “Is that why you had children, to look after you when you’re old? That seems awfully selfish.”
Breeders are ridiculous.
As I started to read this entry, my first thoughts were, “But, I’m never ASKED this question. I’m simply TOLD this statement.” And when I was TOLD that I’d regret it, it is said with such firmness, such, “I know better than you” type attitude, such certainty. I am now old enough to have enough nerve to counter with, “Don’t you regret having children?”
You’re right, it’s a stupid question because no one can know what will happen in the future. Sure, there are some CF who will probably regret not having children. I am finding, however, that most CF don’t.
When I would be TOLD that I would regret my decision, I’d usually shrug and say that I’ll deal with that regret when it arrives.
I want to ditto what you said here:
This post is timely for me. I was thinking about it on the drive in to work today. I turn 40 this year…in October. I admit that I have been going into it kicking and screaming. I’m not liking the idea at all. And along with that, there’s a small part of me that’s been far more interested in the CF community within the last year. I think there is a part of me that’s been waiting, that’s been wondering …
Will my biological clock all of a sudden sound this huge alarm and am I going to want kids urgently? Am I going to start regretting not having kids?
So far, the answer to both of those questions is a calm and assured, “No.” Hitting a decade birthday like the one I’m coming into, many self reflective people start asking themselves questions. I know I have been whining to my boyfriend how I feel like I’m so late in life. I graduated college at 29, still don’t own a home and never have, but would like to. I’m only now starting to save for retirement. etc. etc. I’ll keep this in the context of being CF since this is a CF blog.
So, with all those questions, I’ve also sort of been in a quiet, “shhh.. I’m trying to listen” mode. Wondering if I am going to hear some dooming bells of regret, or a loud biological clock screaming, “Must. Breed. Now.” And so far, none of those are happening. I have no regrets in my life. None. At all. The ones I’ve had, I let go. And everytime I am out and see a child, especially one being unruly, I say a quiet and thankful prayer I am not a parent. I am actually MORE grateful and thankful than I ever have been in my whole life for not having children. But yet, there is this thin, underlying veil of fear. Will I regret? Will I want run off and find someone to breed with? (because my current S.O. does not want children, I will NEVER ooops him or try to talk him into it. Should I decide I want to have kids, one of the impacts of that decision would be to let go of a wonderful, caring, amazing man.)
All of that being said, this thought JUST occurred to me as I was typing this up: What if I am allowing myself to succumb to this societal pressure that I’ll have the regrets? That just cause I’m a woman means I have a biological clock that will sound? Hrm. Something to think about. Because when it comes right down to it, I am VERY grateful I don’t have children. And so far no inkling of regrets OR desires to breed.
And the funny thing about all of this.. my only one real, main obsession right now? How am I going to get the tattoo I want designed so I can commemorate my 40th birthday? LOL!
(My boyfriend says that wanting a tattoo IS my “midlife crisis.”) ha!
This is the question I think is most difficult. I feel its impossible to know if I will regret or not. And I am sure every person sometimes wonder if what they did was correct.
It reminds me about that Cf are not “allowed” to have opinions about raising kids because we dont have our own. Our brains dont suddenly stop processing just because we chose to not have kids.
I will for sure have moments of doubts about this topic. And I think a person who feels strongly that he/she is going to regret not having kids, should go on to have them. But having doubts are natural and also a human right.
Wow, CFsince6, you just described my life…except I’m a couple years younger, and just got married.
I’ve never been asked if I’d regret my decisions not to breed, it’s just assumed I will and mentioned as a statement of fact. However, when I do feel the need to regret something, the only real thing I can think of was my unwillingness to learn science in school, which has had much further reaching implications than any imagined children would. However, that can really only happen if I decide to look back on my life and see my mistakes as regretful decisions as opposed to stupidity I can learn from.
I don’t remember whether or not I was ever asked that question, because for the longest time, we wanted kids and couldn’t, and then just drifted over to being quietly happy with fate being what it was; when we both realised neither one of us was pushing for adoption or fostering, it became apparent we had moved from childless to childfree and were quite content with what life had offered us. As it is now, I can’t imagine where the kids would even fit in.
Regret is a wasted emotion, although, if you are intuitive enough, the initial wave of regret can spring you into action before it’s too late. There’s a part of me that can say I regret not following my dreams and being in that rock band, blah blah blah, but then, if I had really wanted it, I would have moved hell and high water to have it. So, in a sense, I think those are false regrets. As one of my dear friends always says, we do exactly what we want to do.
On a related note, I have a very good friend and colleague who has 2 teenaged daughters and who always says that having children doesn’t give you a better life, just a different one. There are times he envies me, and times he doesn’t, and vice versa. That’s just bring human, although neither one of us would really truly change the way we’ve chosen for things to go.
CFSinceSix- I hope you’re going to love your 40s. I am halfway through mine, and instead of finding regrets and fears, I found that I let go of most of them and just started enjoying the life I had. It’s truly been the most fun decade so far, although the body needs more tuning up and maintenance than it used to. My only regret there is that I wish I’d been more careful with it earlier on in life, but again, that’s more water under the bridge.
My response to that bingo?
“I’d rather regret not having a child than having had one.” If I regret not having a child, it affects only me. Not so if I have a child, then regret it.
But with every year that passes and everything I learn and see around me, I’ve only gotten more and more confident that I made the right choice. For me at least, parenthood wouldn’t be anything near what it’s cracked up to be.
I suppose it’s possible I could get to the end of my childbearing years and regret not having kids. Or, I could enjoy my freedom and get on with enjoying my life.
Regret is a point of view. It’s human to look back with a little twinge of “what it”. It’s when that becomes an obsession and takes over your life that it becomes miserable and embittering. You can regret having kids and you can regret not having kids. Or you can decide to enjoy your life, whatever decisions you’ve made. Evangelistic parents who bang on about regret are only demonstrating the limitedness of their worldview.
I agree with Thomma Lyn. That’s exactly the way I see things and precisely what I tell others when I get asked that question. If I were to regret not having kids (hypothetically speaking) it would only affect me. However, if I were to have kids and regret it, then it would also affect said kid. Now, which is more selfish?
If I ever decided to have kids it would be 90% selfish reasons.
After a Cf person become parent (against the original good judgement), I am sure questions from strangers about you personal life would die out. They would finally be satisfied that you went into the same mud as themself and then go look for the next Cf victim to torture…:)
Sure, I might regret not having kids, sure I might feel like I’ve missed out on some cute kodak moments, but I sure as hell won’t regret ‘missing out’ on worrying about :-
-sleepless nights
-having to stay in my crap job because i’ve got mouths to feed and bills to pay
-lack of spontaneity/freedom
-that it would have enough friends at school
-that it might get a severe illness of somekind [and all that would involve]
-being forced to be friends with my childs playmates parents’ even if they are idiots
-school catchment areas
-being forced to deal with idiot school teachers
-if my house is big enough
-that my child will grow up to become any of the following - a) drug user/drug pusher b) a bully/bullied c) criminal of any kind etc etc [you get the gist]
-money [well, I worry about money enough now, so how much would I worry about it if I had kids to feed/clothe/entertain...]
blah blah blah….the list seems never ending as we all know.
As I get older I’m expecting to hear this bingo more and more, and just like CFsinceSix said
“What if I am allowing myself to succumb to this societal pressure that I’ll have the regrets? That just cause I’m a woman means I have a biological clock that will sound? ”
yeah, I fear that i’m going to get asked that bingo question so much that I’ll end up believing that I am gonna have regrets, and that I’m gonna think a ‘biological clock’ has started ticking really loudly.
Damn societal pressures!! thank goodness that there is everyone here that can give me a proverbial slap around the chops to snap me out of it when i need it!
If the “regret” bingo ever comes up, I just start humming “My Way.”
And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, Ill say it clear,
Ill state my case, of which Im certain.
Ive lived a life thats full.
Ive traveled each and evry highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.
Regrets, Ive had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.
I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.
Yes, there were times, Im sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.
Ive loved, Ive laughed and cried.
Ive had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.
To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.
For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!
So many great comments… I’ve some to add but will do so later because I want to do them justice
One thing i am finding though is that most childfree people are know are un-regretful (is that a word?). Another thing… childed people who say we’ll regret it are trying to use emotional blackmail to coax the childfree into joining them… I have not heard one who can say HOW they are so sure….later folks.
“Who’ll take care of you when you get old?” falls under this. I answer, “A kid can’t do more for me than God already has.” That usually shuts people up.
oooooh, Hillari, that’s a good one!
Yup, it’s a stupid question. There are many things that you might regret later. That’s not a reason to do them. You might regret not becoming a doctor, not climbing Mt Everest, or not bungie jumping. Should I run out and do those things too? Absurd.
As one who is on the other side of this fence, let me give you my perspective. I have kids (almost grown teenagers now), and sorrowfully, I regret having them and what it has done to my life and my marriage. It has been a tough, lonely, un-intimate 18 years during which my wife and I have been good to each other and to the kids. The kids are nice, smart, people. And STILL I regret it.
Far far better to not have kids, and wish you had, than to bring people into this world, and wish that you had NOT.
If you aren’t really sure you want ‘em, don’t have ‘em.
UkShell…Could have been my list..:)
m: I think you are not alone to feel like that. But I am glad to hear you have not let this affect your kids. It cant be easy to regret what most of your time, money and energy have been put into the last 18 years. At least it sound like your kids will be good citizens and this should make you proud.
m - there are many parents like you out there who probably feel the same way, but would NEVER admit it - too taboo. Sounds like you and your wife have done a fine job. Hang in there, and just make sure they know that IF they have children of their own, you’re not their personal baby-sitters ;-). The best advice you could ever give your kids is to be honest about the realities of parenthood - my mom did, and it was the most important and influential thing she could ever have done for me.
With every passing day I realize just how smart I am to have remained CF. All that fighting with family and friends, sticking to my gut feelings that parenthood was an overinflated, cloaked-in-sugar lie was the best decision I’ve ever made in my life. The older I get, the more I realized just how much regret would have filled me had I caved in to the pressures of becoming a parent.
Regret for choosing to remain childfree? I think not!
m- it’s so refreshing to hear a parent who tells it like it is. As str8 says, most parents would never admit anything less than total satisfaction with parenting. Or if they can’t do this they always qualify their dissatisfaction with “it’s all worth it.” It isn’t to me, that’s for sure. There’s too much that I simply don’t wish to lose and a child isn’t compensation for it. At least you do have good kids - which makes your comment all the more poignant. More parents should be honest - then maybe people would give just a little more thought before they have kids.
Str8 - same here. It’s a pity that there is so much pressure to make everyone believe that parenthood is the ultimate accomplishment, but our gut feeling is hardly ever wrong. I realized as I read your comment that, yes, if I’d caved in to societal pressure I would have regreted that - and having kids.
Hillari - YES! There’s really no comback to that!
Hey Lurker… The questions and nosiness just change. After having the first you get asked when the brother or sister is coming along. And how selfish you are for only having one….;) but you’re right… as long as you’ve joined the club you’re less interesting than a childfree person who refuses to.
UKShell - On the TV in Canada the government is showing an interesting advert. It is a warning to parent to learn the language of drug sbefore their children do. We’re talking 8-10 year olds. The sad thing? The parents are already too late anyway.
Emma - Good one!
I am very glad to have found this blog. The comments confirm my decision which have been questioned lately. Because of social pressure I sometimes think it would be easier to just do like “everybody” else and start to convince myself that becomming parent would not be so bad after all. At least this would make my relationship better with people around me who are parents.
Then its nice to follow the discussions in this blog to confirm my decision to stay on track and not let pressure from others fool me into blindness when it comes to see the truth about parenting.
Lurker, yes, I love BritGirl’s blog. It really IS “like it is.” I posted above that lately I’ve been listening, trying to see if my biological clock is starting to tick. Wondering if the regrets are going to start, or even so much as the fear of regret of not having children. So far nothing.
I can honestly say that whenever I picture myself having a baby to take care of my stomach ties up in a gut wrenching knot. I get such a sickened feeling of, “OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD What have I DONE???” If I get that feeling just imagining having kids, I think I’d be mental and wearing the latest psych ward’s fashions in a nice padded room if I actually did have kids. (One time in my 20’s I did think I was pregnant. I actually started to shut down mentally to the point where I started to just stare at walls and my boyfriend at the time was very concerned. He realized then that I really DID NOT want children.)
Britgirl, like I said, this particular blog post is very timely for me. I’ve stuck close to this blog and a few others. While I don’t plan on having any children, I’m not changing my mind, and no, I don’t have a biological clock ticking nor is even an inkling of regret or fear of regret is starting to show through for me.
Thank you, Britgirl, because really … while you may not directly email people, your blog is supporting all of us.
CFSinceSix - thank you! I’m glad the post was timely. I can’t really see you having any regrets about not having kids… far from it.
But it’s great to get confirmation and validation.
Lurker - I’m glad you found this blog too
Thanks to you and to everyone who contributes in their way to make Like It Is…Like It Is!
m - “Far far better to not have kids, and wish you had, than to bring people into this world, and wish that you had NOT.” I believe this too. Thank you for sharing this with us… it can’t have been easy and I am just glad that at least they are good kids and hope that once they’re older you can reclaim something of what you lost bringing them up.
CFSinceSix :
Thank you so much for your comment! I’ve disliked children since I was young. Now I’m approaching my 30s I’ve started worrying that my “bio clock” was going to start ticking soon, steeling myself to fight against it vehemently.
I’m so glad to hear it didn’t start up for you, will hopefully be the same for me then.
Now I just need to figure out how to get my Mom off my back about children… she desperately wants me to have babies just so she can be a happy grandmother. *Sigh*.
The older I get, the more convinced I become that there is no “biological clock”. When I was younger, more foolish and less willing to think through my actions to their conclusions I figured I’d have a kid eventually. No reasons, just thought it was what happened to every woman eventually, and maybe I guess, I kind of might like that, probably…until I became pregnant. When I told my parents my plans to keep it, they took the opportunity to inform me of all that I would lose were I to have one at that point in my life. They told me that parenting was like being a nanny, which I had experienced and didn’t enjoy, only it never ended. That the point of parenting should be to raise a decent human being who can contribute to society, and not something one should “just do…because”. As a result, I am not a parent.
As I get older, I find that children rarely enter my thoughts. I am happier to think of the opportunities and experiences I’ve enjoyed and/or learned from, rather than regret a child I’ve never had any actual desire for. I enjoy my life as it is, and have little desire to change that. With a child, I could not spend hours at activities I enjoy. I would probably have to leave a job that has a sense of purpose for a higher paying paper-pusher job that would make me miserable. I would not have the time to devote to my husband, or 19 year old cat. The only thoughts I have of creating a child now are “I wonder what it would look like?”, which I realize are shallow and no where near an excuse for creating one.
Lurker - and thats my edited list ! I could go on and on and on…
I think we all have a little regret in our lives and the best we can do it to make decisions that produce the least amount of regret possible. If I had children I would regret my career stalling, regret all the vacations I couldn’t take, regret the time I couldn’t spend with my husband and dogs, regret all the time I could have spent skating or walking, regret all the books I didn’t read and all the other things left undone because raising children takes up so much time and energy. Maybe someday I will regret not knowing what my offspring would look like or something equally selfish, but the things and moments I would have to sacrifice to have a child would certainly bring me more regret then any regret I could potentially experience by not having any children.
Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can’t build on it; it’s only for wallowing in.
–Mansfield–
I just love this quotation. We are given choices and chances as we live our lives. What we decide is what path we will walk through. To have or not to have children?? Just make good and wise choices and live a better life out of them…
Pseudomonas - There is no guarantee that “sharing your life with a child will make you happy.” That’s, in part, the point of the post. So your last comment (not the one remaining) is largely irrelevant - and off-topic so, after a lot of thought I’ve removed it. it looks like the comments were made by different posters… Comments from all are welcome but they must be on topic… the topic being the post in question. The comment above though is relevant, so it gets to stay.
I’ve heard that I’ll regret it…but here Ia m,43 and not regretting it a bit.I was never one of those women who got the warm fuzzies thinking about babies.I never wanted any kids…I may have had a few moments of wanting them when I was in my twenties,but at 43,no way.
One of the reasons I married my husband is that he didn’t want children either.We do things together on the weekends,be it going to a bar,or to the movies or any variety of places…and if we had kids we wouldn’t be able to do all those things without having to worry about a baby sitter.Call me selfish but I like to be able to do what I want when I want and not have to worry about the kids.
The ‘regret” thing is ridiculous. If I’m 80 years old, widowed and alone, would I like several able-bodied men and women to come over, make me tea, fluff my pillows and hold my hand? I’m sure I would. But would I ever regret being 25 and not having a wailing infant? No. Would I ever regret the great vacations I took with my husband to relax, nap and make love? No. Will I ever wish I had been dressing from Kmart and picking up plastic crap and wiping crumbs for 2 decades like an unpaid maid? I doubt that. So it’s not that anyone “regrets” not wasting time watching Sponge Bob, chaufferring a bunch of screeching brats around and shelling out $400 for cell phones and jeans. What people feel sometimes is a loneliness and a wish that someone would come and lovingly spend time with them. But guess what? We all feel lonely, it is a human condition. Children do not protect you from loneliness, old age, aches and pains. Children do not guarantee care in old age - they can move to Japan, get addicted to drugs, have a litter of their own to take care of, die, or simply not like you enough to be bothered. Then what? If you want a cushy retirement, instead of investing in a child, invest in savings bonds and you are guaranteed a nice place, maid service and someone to take you to the doctor when you’re old. As for love and companionship, cultivate friendships based on mutual like and respect, not on blood, guilt, resentment, or “you owe me.”