Comments on: Childfree… But Won’t You Regret It?

By: god_forbids

god_forbids — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 03:00:20 +0000

@Emma: All too true!

@Jay: Part of my decision to become CF was seeking out and getting a vasectomy (at the young age of 22!). I was blessed enough to find a doctor who was willing to do it for me without any prying, he seemed to really understand when I told him how I felt (one of the few people who ever have). That is one way I know that I will stave off any future regrets - men are fertile till death, meaning you have a long path of regret ahead of you - I took this irreversible step early, allowing me to just get on with my life. Maybe you should look into getting a vasectomy. The freedom of, well, certain childfreedom is exhilarating!

By: Emma

Emma — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 17:32:26 +0000

Jay… what makes you think you wouldn’t regret having children? If you’re “the sort of person who regrets things,” then chances are you’re just going to regret whatever it is you did. Better to regret NOT having kids than regret having them.

Life is too short for regrets. Decisions have been made. Deal with it. Move on. Ejoy your life.

By: Jay

Jay — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 07:20:42 +0000

“Regret” is something I’m really struggling with right now. My wife and I never wanted kids and are now in our 40s and it’s really too late to think about starting a family. As soon as I realised it was too late, I suddenly had intense feelings of regret about not having kids.

This is pure selfishness on my part: will I be old and lonely? I’ll never have a loving family to make me feel good. What if I need to be looked after? Do my friends with kids pity me or think I’m selfish or stupid? None of the regrets are about the reality of having kids: the hard work, the problems, the compromises, the good and bad times as they grow up etc.

I’ll admit I’ve always been emotionally weak and needy. This is one reason why I didn’t want kids: I didn’t feel strong enough to be responsible for them. But now I’m past 40 and inevitably have to come to terms with aging. I don’t feel strong enough to survive my old age without a family to be there for me.

My wife still has no regrets. She is very happy with her decision not to have kids and just wants to continue enjoying everything her life gives her, that she couldn’t do if we had kids. The terrible irony is that the regrets that are eating me up inside are making our life together difficult. If I can’t get over my regrets I think I will lose her too.

I’m not posting this for sympathy. I know it makes me look selfish and pathetic. The only advice I can offer is that if you’re the sort of person who regrets things, then expect to regret your decision about kids. It’s a huge decision and you will regret your choice sometime. I suspect if I had kids then at some point I would’ve regretted having them because of all the other things I would’ve missed out on. That’s the kind of person I am and I need to learn to live with myself.

By: og217

og217 — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 12:37:26 +0000

The ‘regret” thing is ridiculous. If I’m 80 years old, widowed and alone, would I like several able-bodied men and women to come over, make me tea, fluff my pillows and hold my hand? I’m sure I would. But would I ever regret being 25 and not having a wailing infant? No. Would I ever regret the great vacations I took with my husband to relax, nap and make love? No. Will I ever wish I had been dressing from Kmart and picking up plastic crap and wiping crumbs for 2 decades like an unpaid maid? I doubt that. So it’s not that anyone “regrets” not wasting time watching Sponge Bob, chaufferring a bunch of screeching brats around and shelling out $400 for cell phones and jeans. What people feel sometimes is a loneliness and a wish that someone would come and lovingly spend time with them. But guess what? We all feel lonely, it is a human condition. Children do not protect you from loneliness, old age, aches and pains. Children do not guarantee care in old age - they can move to Japan, get addicted to drugs, have a litter of their own to take care of, die, or simply not like you enough to be bothered. Then what? If you want a cushy retirement, instead of investing in a child, invest in savings bonds and you are guaranteed a nice place, maid service and someone to take you to the doctor when you’re old. As for love and companionship, cultivate friendships based on mutual like and respect, not on blood, guilt, resentment, or “you owe me.”

By: Chris

Chris — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 12:13:16 +0000

I’ve heard that I’ll regret it…but here Ia m,43 and not regretting it a bit.I was never one of those women who got the warm fuzzies thinking about babies.I never wanted any kids…I may have had a few moments of wanting them when I was in my twenties,but at 43,no way.
One of the reasons I married my husband is that he didn’t want children either.We do things together on the weekends,be it going to a bar,or to the movies or any variety of places…and if we had kids we wouldn’t be able to do all those things without having to worry about a baby sitter.Call me selfish but I like to be able to do what I want when I want and not have to worry about the kids.

By: Britgirl

Britgirl — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 03:13:46 +0000

Pseudomonas - There is no guarantee that “sharing your life with a child will make you happy.” That’s, in part, the point of the post. So your last comment (not the one remaining) is largely irrelevant - and off-topic so, after a lot of thought I’ve removed it. it looks like the comments were made by different posters… Comments from all are welcome but they must be on topic… the topic being the post in question. The comment above though is relevant, so it gets to stay.

By: Pseudomonas

Pseudomonas — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 13:22:39 +0000

Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can’t build on it; it’s only for wallowing in.
–Mansfield–

I just love this quotation. We are given choices and chances as we live our lives. What we decide is what path we will walk through. To have or not to have children?? Just make good and wise choices and live a better life out of them…

By: Explosive Bombchelle

Explosive Bombchelle — Thu, 29 May 2008 03:28:22 +0000

I think we all have a little regret in our lives and the best we can do it to make decisions that produce the least amount of regret possible. If I had children I would regret my career stalling, regret all the vacations I couldn’t take, regret the time I couldn’t spend with my husband and dogs, regret all the time I could have spent skating or walking, regret all the books I didn’t read and all the other things left undone because raising children takes up so much time and energy. Maybe someday I will regret not knowing what my offspring would look like or something equally selfish, but the things and moments I would have to sacrifice to have a child would certainly bring me more regret then any regret I could potentially experience by not having any children.

By: UKShell

UKShell — Wed, 28 May 2008 19:19:04 +0000

Lurker - and thats my edited list ! I could go on and on and on…

By: Feh

Feh — Wed, 28 May 2008 18:57:59 +0000

The older I get, the more convinced I become that there is no “biological clock”. When I was younger, more foolish and less willing to think through my actions to their conclusions I figured I’d have a kid eventually. No reasons, just thought it was what happened to every woman eventually, and maybe I guess, I kind of might like that, probably…until I became pregnant. When I told my parents my plans to keep it, they took the opportunity to inform me of all that I would lose were I to have one at that point in my life. They told me that parenting was like being a nanny, which I had experienced and didn’t enjoy, only it never ended. That the point of parenting should be to raise a decent human being who can contribute to society, and not something one should “just do…because”. As a result, I am not a parent.

As I get older, I find that children rarely enter my thoughts. I am happier to think of the opportunities and experiences I’ve enjoyed and/or learned from, rather than regret a child I’ve never had any actual desire for. I enjoy my life as it is, and have little desire to change that. With a child, I could not spend hours at activities I enjoy. I would probably have to leave a job that has a sense of purpose for a higher paying paper-pusher job that would make me miserable. I would not have the time to devote to my husband, or 19 year old cat. The only thoughts I have of creating a child now are “I wonder what it would look like?”, which I realize are shallow and no where near an excuse for creating one.

By: Marz

Marz — Mon, 26 May 2008 13:24:22 +0000

CFSinceSix :
Thank you so much for your comment! I’ve disliked children since I was young. Now I’m approaching my 30s I’ve started worrying that my “bio clock” was going to start ticking soon, steeling myself to fight against it vehemently.
I’m so glad to hear it didn’t start up for you, will hopefully be the same for me then.

Now I just need to figure out how to get my Mom off my back about children… she desperately wants me to have babies just so she can be a happy grandmother. *Sigh*.

By: Britgirl

Britgirl — Mon, 26 May 2008 04:24:57 +0000

CFSinceSix - thank you! I’m glad the post was timely. I can’t really see you having any regrets about not having kids… far from it.
But it’s great to get confirmation and validation.

Lurker - I’m glad you found this blog too Thanks to you and to everyone who contributes in their way to make Like It Is…Like It Is!

m - “Far far better to not have kids, and wish you had, than to bring people into this world, and wish that you had NOT.” I believe this too. Thank you for sharing this with us… it can’t have been easy and I am just glad that at least they are good kids and hope that once they’re older you can reclaim something of what you lost bringing them up.

By: CFSinceSix

CFSinceSix — Sun, 25 May 2008 15:47:07 +0000

Lurker, yes, I love BritGirl’s blog. It really IS “like it is.” I posted above that lately I’ve been listening, trying to see if my biological clock is starting to tick. Wondering if the regrets are going to start, or even so much as the fear of regret of not having children. So far nothing.

I can honestly say that whenever I picture myself having a baby to take care of my stomach ties up in a gut wrenching knot. I get such a sickened feeling of, “OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD What have I DONE???” If I get that feeling just imagining having kids, I think I’d be mental and wearing the latest psych ward’s fashions in a nice padded room if I actually did have kids. (One time in my 20’s I did think I was pregnant. I actually started to shut down mentally to the point where I started to just stare at walls and my boyfriend at the time was very concerned. He realized then that I really DID NOT want children.)

Britgirl, like I said, this particular blog post is very timely for me. I’ve stuck close to this blog and a few others. While I don’t plan on having any children, I’m not changing my mind, and no, I don’t have a biological clock ticking nor is even an inkling of regret or fear of regret is starting to show through for me.

Thank you, Britgirl, because really … while you may not directly email people, your blog is supporting all of us.

By: Lurker

Lurker — Sun, 25 May 2008 06:39:56 +0000

I am very glad to have found this blog. The comments confirm my decision which have been questioned lately. Because of social pressure I sometimes think it would be easier to just do like “everybody” else and start to convince myself that becomming parent would not be so bad after all. At least this would make my relationship better with people around me who are parents.

Then its nice to follow the discussions in this blog to confirm my decision to stay on track and not let pressure from others fool me into blindness when it comes to see the truth about parenting.

By: Britgirl

Britgirl — Sun, 25 May 2008 05:10:51 +0000

m- it’s so refreshing to hear a parent who tells it like it is. As str8 says, most parents would never admit anything less than total satisfaction with parenting. Or if they can’t do this they always qualify their dissatisfaction with “it’s all worth it.” It isn’t to me, that’s for sure. There’s too much that I simply don’t wish to lose and a child isn’t compensation for it. At least you do have good kids - which makes your comment all the more poignant. More parents should be honest - then maybe people would give just a little more thought before they have kids.

Str8 - same here. It’s a pity that there is so much pressure to make everyone believe that parenthood is the ultimate accomplishment, but our gut feeling is hardly ever wrong. I realized as I read your comment that, yes, if I’d caved in to societal pressure I would have regreted that - and having kids.

Hillari - YES! There’s really no comback to that!

Hey Lurker… The questions and nosiness just change. After having the first you get asked when the brother or sister is coming along. And how selfish you are for only having one….;) but you’re right… as long as you’ve joined the club you’re less interesting than a childfree person who refuses to.

UKShell - On the TV in Canada the government is showing an interesting advert. It is a warning to parent to learn the language of drug sbefore their children do. We’re talking 8-10 year olds. The sad thing? The parents are already too late anyway.

Emma - Good one!

By: str8six

str8six — Sat, 24 May 2008 16:38:27 +0000

m - there are many parents like you out there who probably feel the same way, but would NEVER admit it - too taboo. Sounds like you and your wife have done a fine job. Hang in there, and just make sure they know that IF they have children of their own, you’re not their personal baby-sitters ;-). The best advice you could ever give your kids is to be honest about the realities of parenthood - my mom did, and it was the most important and influential thing she could ever have done for me.

With every passing day I realize just how smart I am to have remained CF. All that fighting with family and friends, sticking to my gut feelings that parenthood was an overinflated, cloaked-in-sugar lie was the best decision I’ve ever made in my life. The older I get, the more I realized just how much regret would have filled me had I caved in to the pressures of becoming a parent.

Regret for choosing to remain childfree? I think not!

By: Lurker

Lurker — Sat, 24 May 2008 06:29:04 +0000

UkShell…Could have been my list..:)

m: I think you are not alone to feel like that. But I am glad to hear you have not let this affect your kids. It cant be easy to regret what most of your time, money and energy have been put into the last 18 years. At least it sound like your kids will be good citizens and this should make you proud.

By: m

Fri, 23 May 2008 22:14:30 +0000

Yup, it’s a stupid question. There are many things that you might regret later. That’s not a reason to do them. You might regret not becoming a doctor, not climbing Mt Everest, or not bungie jumping. Should I run out and do those things too? Absurd.

As one who is on the other side of this fence, let me give you my perspective. I have kids (almost grown teenagers now), and sorrowfully, I regret having them and what it has done to my life and my marriage. It has been a tough, lonely, un-intimate 18 years during which my wife and I have been good to each other and to the kids. The kids are nice, smart, people. And STILL I regret it.

Far far better to not have kids, and wish you had, than to bring people into this world, and wish that you had NOT.

If you aren’t really sure you want ‘em, don’t have ‘em.

By: CFSinceSix

CFSinceSix — Fri, 23 May 2008 04:31:53 +0000

oooooh, Hillari, that’s a good one!

By: Hillari

Hillari — Fri, 23 May 2008 04:28:38 +0000

“Who’ll take care of you when you get old?” falls under this. I answer, “A kid can’t do more for me than God already has.” That usually shuts people up.