To Be Childfree is to Resist Societal Pressure
26 05 2008The inspiration for this post came from… the comments on my last post!
It’s still a rather chilling thought that for many of us, talking about being childfree as a way of life is in most cases impossible or at the very least difficult. While most people bring up the fact on nearly every opportunity that they’re planing on having kids, or they’ve had kids or that they wished they had kids, or they’re desperate for kids… childfree people either grin and bear it or, when the inevitable question comes around, get their contribution in. The contribution being, of course that no, we don’t want kids, thanks.
It’s not unusual for the conversation to stop then and there (talk about a lead balloon) with others mostly not knowing what to say. Or you get bingoes. The other scenario (one that I employ as much as possible) is to get myself away from the conversation or change the subject.
I (like many childfree folk) don’t sit around talking about how we don’t want to have kids. We don’t sit around talking about kids (duh!) because we’re thinking about other things that hold more importance to us.
Yet, it is impossible to escape the mantra you must reproduce yourself to be counted as a valid member of society. Being able to resist that pressure and live a full life where you can stand your ground and live the life you decide to live is a true distinction and the huge reward of being childfree.
On my last post the comments were, as always, insightful and very thought-provoking.
One commenter said this..
“With every passing day I realize just how smart I am to have remained CF. All that fighting with family and friends, sticking to my gut feelings that parenthood was an over-inflated, cloaked-in-sugar lie was the best decision I’ve ever made in my life. The older I get, the more I realized just how much regret would have filled me had I caved in to the pressures of becoming a parent.”
Too true. Because, as a group we are still not very visible – yet – the fact that the pressure to parent is so intense is underestimated. We have to fight for our own right… parents, friends, colleagues, it seems everyone is bent on trying to change our minds to their way of thinking… produce kids. There is little or no balance - the message is you must parent.
Exactly why some are so intent on converting the childfree to parenting has never been explained.
While we might be told to “obey our gut instinct” – because it’s rarely wrong, do what’s right for our lives, etc. That has to be dropped at the altar of parenthood. Want a loving close relationship with your spouse or partner? After all isn’t that why you married in the first place? Sure you can have it… only after you’ve had kids. Too late you say? Well, hey, you can fit it in. Make time for yourselves as a couple, get someone to watch the kids. Remember the children come first. That means everything else has to get in line… probably for ever.
(If you want a more detailed insight into that aspect, read the eye-opening posts by m, who’s a parent.
Or the other side – don’t expect to have any time for yourselves because your one and only role in life is to rear kids (we’re told). You can feel really selfless, because of course there’s no greater goal, no more lofty accomplishment than to reproduce a little you… and ensure the already bankrupt worker bees, sorry taxpayers, are ready to assume the burden of paying taxes – which are probably going to be in the multiple trillions, thanks to bad management so good luck kids. You’ll be having to work harder to fund your pensions.
Meanwhile, quash those worrisome thoughts that ever-growing numbers of kids might be putting more pressure on the earth’s resources, those only count when… when.. well, never mind.
On no less than three celebrity rags is the photo of Brangelina at Cannes looking ready to drop, Nicole Kidman is announcing she’s waiting until she’s ready to drop (almost) before taking photos of her “pregnant state” a la Demi Moore, and Britney Spears (now there’s a fine example of parenting) and others.
Celebs are no role models for me, never have been never will be. But, sadly they are role models for impressionable women who think it’s pretty cool to have the latest accessory…. babies. It’s all part of the pressure.
But closer to home.
At the various business meetings I’ve been to of recent, every one has managed to bring up “our” children. And I’m not talking about in introductions. During the past week, two fathers have gone on 6 week paternity leave, one recent mother is talking about bringing her baby in. Meanwhile, the UK government has managed somehow managed to get fathers practically written out of the story when it comes to children conceived via IVF even as teenagers are stabbing and killing each other on the streets. Bad or ineffective parenting, and less than ideal children abound, but still nothing should stand in the way of enabling (and in some cases pressuring) people to have kids. And we’ve not mentioned the steady stream of adverts, the societal messages, both subtle and overt that seek to drown out that gut feeling that… perhaps one should think carefully about having kids, instead of rushing into it like veritable lemmings and then trying to convert everyone else to so the same.
The pressure to re-produce is everywhere and it’s unforgiving. Mention you choose not to parent and be ready for the hostility from most quarters. Yet, as m says most of the time the truth about having and bringing up children is sugar coated, Kodak moments that leave out many of the truths. It may be worth it… but it may just as easily not be worth it. And we KNOW it isn’t a bed of roses. So why keep pretending it is?
With all this, it’s online, in blogs and forums, that the childfree can talk about being childfree, about the pressure, the bingoes, the great comebacks; the mountains and the valleys – without having to take on board “parent-talk.”
The decision to be childfree is questioned by those who have no right to, criticized by those who are ignorant and sneered at by many who would rather die than admit they wished they’d made the same choice.
The pressure is very real… but then so are the childfree people who know what they want.
I believe that no-one has to cave to pressure if they don’t want to and that the biological clock is a myth, much like the maternal instinct. In fact caving to the pressure to breed is the one thing I would regret if I was ever to do that (and no chance of that happening anyway).
Like Emma quoted from Frank Sinatra… do it your way. You must be true to yourself. It’s a lonely, less trodden path, but it’s a wonderful path. Every day I’m grateful I made the choice. We can’t foretell the future but there is more than enough around to inform our choices. Life is far too short for regrets.
Thanks ONE and ALL for your comments on Like It Is… keep them coming, they are great – and you rock!
Technorati Tags: childfree, childfree
Funny this should post today. I was listening to “Eat Pray Love” on audio book on the way in to work this morning, and Elizabeth Gilbert was talking about her sister’s family, the pressures to breed, the possibility of regret, and how it wasn’t enough to change her mind. She was talking about how her husband would beat her up emotionally by wielding non-existent children at her, and it sounded awful and familiar at the same time.
She ended the chapter by saying how she felt so much better for walking away from it all and choosing to say no. As I’m driving, I’m murmuring my agreement.
We can hope for a day when everyone just lives and let lives. Wouldn’t that be nice?
I know exactly what you mean. I’m nineteen and I keep getting the “you’ll change your mind” line. Never mind that nobody would say that if I said I wanted children. How old do I have to be before I can know my own mind?
I agree with Kat: we should just live and let live. The fact that the childed so often can’t just makes me think they’re unhappy with their life choices. If they’re so happy and “it’s all worth it” then why would my plans to travel and have a great career free of children make them so angry?
Bravo!
I admit that I get a slick of pleasure whenever the conversation stops. I think it’s funny… it’s like, “oh we’re all sisters!” and then I do the equivalent of scraping the needle of a record player.
I wonder whether seeing someone deliberately make the choice not to have children and then be happy and contented makes some parents uncomfortable with their choices, as if they see what could have been… and have to stomp on the CF lifestyle because they don’t want to face that they could have made some life choices that didn’t involve children.
I’m in my retail store, reading your great blog and comments. I can hear a woman frazzled outside scream “T I M O T H Y!!! T I M O T H Y!!!! SIT! SIT! SHUTUP! I thought she was talking to her dog but alas no, her young son. oh my, if there was ever a job that reinforced the non-urge to make babies, shopkeepering(?) is it. I have felt antsy and extra sensitive about babies lately. I’m 36 and I’ve been asking myself some tough questions. my family and friends are making babies (some on their second run) and I see the nod of approval and the support from those around. An old friend just moved close by and she has two little poppets. She mentioned the other day that we’d probably spend more time together if I had kids too. The social gap and pressure to have kids is blaring at me and it gives me the shits. I really liked your comment “You must be true to yourself. It’s a lonely, less trodden path, but it’s a wonderful path.” Mostly I feel strong but I’ll have some of that today please. Might look up that book too (thanks Kat).
People like M are a rare breed, unfortunately. For every parent who has the ovaries/balls to admit that they regret their choice, there are a milion who will start fuming at the mouth at the very suggestion that you’re having second thoughts about parenthood. Rather than being honest and educating others so they do not make the same mistake, they put on a fake grin and try to lure us to the dark side. Misery loves company…
Bravewolf: there’s a fable that describes that:
“One hot summer’s day a Fox was strolling through an orchard till he came to a bunch of Grapes just ripening on a vine which had been trained over a lofty branch. “Just the thing to quench my thirst,” quoth he. Drawing back a few paces, he took a run and a jump, and just missed the bunch. Turning round again with a One, Two, Three, he jumped up, but with no greater success. Again and again he tried after the tempting morsel, but at last had to give it up, and walked away with his nose in the air, saying: “I am sure they are sour.”
It is easy to despise what you cannot get. “
Kylie: I am a man and also feel the pressure. I can understand it must be harder for women.
These last few days I even called a medical clinic to ask about undoing my previous operation. Somehow I have not sign up yet. Its not that I would go on make babies right away if I could, but i have been enjoying the feeling of “being like every body else”. Still something holdes me back. Having a kid would certainly bring positive things to my life, but I am in many ways also content about my present situation. I cant let go of the thought that my strongest motivation for reproducing is to be more accepted from others. But to what price? It surprise me how easy it is for others to advice parenting, when they will not be the ones responsible for bringing up any children of mine.
For me its definetly the pressure to adapt which is strongest. Luckely I have never been in need of doing like “everybody” else…But still the decisions are haunting me these days and its little scary to see how shut out one can be among people with kids..
In times like this I remind myself that CF is the best kept secret…but still being CF makes me feel like an outsider around parents.
The easy answer to that is … stop hanging around parents
Hi Lurker, I’m glad to hear you’ve yet to cave in to the pressures from society to reproduce. You are unsure! So long as YOU are not yet convinced of the bliss the general populous seems to shove down our necks, wait it out! To bring children into this crazy world without knowing 100% you want them is so unfair to the potential child, not to mention to yourself.
I don’t know your age, but I can promise you that as you age, your decisions are better accepted by a maturing group of friends. Obviously, you know that to submit to the incessant demands of those you choose to associate with to have children isn’t right either. Otherwise, you’d have done so by now. Stick to your gut! It will not steer you wrong.
I might also add, that if you’re so affected by the acceptance and opinions of those around you, you might want to look deeper inside yourself. Why do you care so much what others think about a monumental, life-changing CHOICE that YOU will have to shoulder? Take your time and listen to yourself, to what you want.
I have a wonderful husband of 10+ years and we have no children by choice. I had to divorce my first husband because he didn’t believe me when I told him I never wanted children! It was the hardest thing, to this day, I’ve ever had to do. But I am happy now, and so, so glad I stuck to my gut instinct
Kat/Str8Six. Thanks for comments.:) First I need to say that I am not the acceptance-seeking person. Still its sad to see how friends and collegues feel threatened by someone being CF by choice. But maybe you are right and its time to start facing the facts instead of trying to avoid potential conflicts.
Divorcing your husband over the kid-issue is a tough decision, but I must say its one I respect. My present girlfriend seem to be very much in love with kids, but claim that she could live without…?
I appreciate the interesting comments. I am 35. I find it interesting to read the stories from those who made their CF decision some time ago. Mostly it seem like people have few regrets being CF, but I have read a few comments from people who feel very lonely in old age and regret not having children.
Usually I dont worry about future, but I have experienced how more accepted you are as a parent and it has lately made me question my decision.
Well, again it helped to get this off my chest and deep inside I think my decision stands firm. As mentioned before Britgirl, who needs a shrink when you got this blog..:)
Lurker - what I can say is this… if people feel threatened by the childfree choice that’s their problem. Don’t make it yours. There’s only one reason to have children and that is if you want them with every fibre of your being right now and are prepared to dedicate ALL your life to them. That’s the deal. And quite frankly, it’s that child’s right to expect. To have a child to guard against loneliness or anything else is really selfish… and it’s using the child for their own ends. And there are so many stories of those who haven’t had children and don’t regret it, yet we never hear enough of those… because society would rather not know. It’s always going to be lonelier being a non-conformist - that’s the price we pay for being ourselves :).
Children are a non-refundable deal… and I believe they should be wanted 120% by both parents. One other thing… at the risk of sounding “know it all” … your girlfriend will not want to do without kids. If she’s in love with kids, and thinks she could do without them I would bet that she’s just biding her time and will want to have them. I hope I’m wrong, but I doubt it. You either want them… or you don’t. And there are many stories of men who, for whatever reason have gone against their instinct and become a parent.
Stick to your gut instinct, and don’t be drawn into the shows of support - it’s relative. Your gut instince will ALWAYS tell you the truth.
One thing that really helps when you are childfree is if you have a supportive partner spouse or friends. If you don’t, you either cave or get rid of the unsupportive partner. If you don’t, you’ll probably pay with your sanity…. and a lot more. Str8six had to do just that.
It’s often hard to find childfree friends (apart from online) so we are usually surrounded by parents whether we like it or not - at least at work. If you’ve always known that you never wanted kids then it’s a very good starting point. As for me, I grew up most of my life thinking I would eventually have kiddies. Until I met my husband who didn’t want them - but would have had them if I really wanted them. At that point i began to question. Did I really want kids? More to the point, did I want them enough? And did I want them knowing the implications. We began talking. A lot.
I decided that I didn’t want children… at least not enough to warrant the upheaval that would follow. I thought about everything… from childcare to working to money to schools… you name it we talked it. We made the choice not to have them, and I’ve never looked back, despite the pressure. I had no tick-tock, no maternal urges either. I think we all come to being childfree from many walks of life and experiences. We’re the ones who will prove that the childfree choice is just that… a personal choice and a great one at that.
And yes as Kat said… we need to limit the amount of times we hang around parents by choice. It doesn’t help.
Lurker: Not to meddle in your personal business, but like Britgirl, I feel a red flag is popping up with your current girlfriend. If she is in love with children but claims to be OK with never having any of her own, consider having a sit-down with her.
A real serious, honest discussion about where you stand regarding having children (if you do chose to remain childfree). Women are notorious for thinking they can change men once they get married, or to not take a mans’ position on any one particular subject seriously - be careful. Or, maybe she
truly feels OK with the prospect of never having children right now, but will change HER mind later - still not acceptable for you, I know it wasn’t for me. Children should never be something used as leverage, a bargaining tool or as a means to make one of the spouses ‘happy’ or to ’shut them up’, yet we see this despicable act being carried out on a daily basis…by so-called adults .
There are no happy endings when couples bring a child into their lives who isn’t wholeheartedly wanted by both parents. Resentment is bound to rear its ugly head! It sounds like you’re getting a bit more secure with what you feel is comfortable for YOU, and are realizing that it’s OK to not follow society’s standard protocol regarding having children.
Lurker - totally agree with Str8six… and I do hope I didn’t come across as being intrusive or know it all… I appreciate your sharing because it helps everyone… you never know who might be going through the exact same thing as you… or as we all are.
Anyway, you’ll always find lot’s of encouragement and likeminded people and thoughts here.
Lurker I totally hear how ’shut out’ one can feel not going along with the crowd. I also dont perceive myself as an acceptance-seeking person but on this issue it seems I am either being excitedly included if I do want/have kids or an obvious talk to the hand exclusion if I dont want/have kids. What happened to the “hey - great - you’re a human too!” interaction.
Britgirl, you’ve helped me recognise that my question too is “do i want kids enough?” and for what I can find in myself, I dont. I’m thinking, surely its not better or worse having kids, its just plain different. At the risk of sounding like I’m trying to convince myself, there are benefits and there are drawbacks with all paths and intrinsically I feel like it all works out in the wash.
lurker, i am 35, i did date women who wanted children, i even dated parents, and while i knew i was cf, i didnt know until about 4 years ago roughly, that children werent for me.
i would have gone along with it, path of least resistance or so it seemed at that time, i realise now, that i would have been one hell of a bad father, I liked a few of those women, and they didnt let their kids get in the way.
Having a child would have been the greatest mistake of my life..
not only do i have a few genetic predispositions, but mentally i am unable too, I asked myself, what kind of life would this kid have with me.. i came up with reason and reason of why it shouldnt exist.. but i could never think of one reason why it should.
feeling regret in your old age.. i know several parents who are in their 80’s and they regret having children, they didnt have time to enjoy to live.. so while some may regret not having kids, there are some who regret having kids..
I feel that your g/f is in love with the IDEA of having a baby.. and not the reality.
Fantastic discussion everyone!
I’m reminded of a wonderful passage in the book Eat, Pray, Love. The author is talking about her sister who has a baby and the sister says becoming a parent it’s like deciding to get a full face tattoo - you’d better be damned sure you want it!
This discussion is also very timely for me. I was at a No Kidding brunch on the weekend and a new couple came. They commented on how nice it was to meet people who weren’t parents and didn’t think they were odd to be married but not want kids. It’s as if your relationship on its own isn’t worthy enough! The childfree path is definitely not a path for the weakminded. But of course none of us would be here on this blog discussion if we hadn’t taken the time to think and know ourselves. As others have stated before, that really is the only true path, to learn to listen to yourself above what “society” tells us, whether that path is to be parents or childfree.
After sending previous comment I was not sure what to expect this morning…
Now I am happy for posting! This post seem to be a hot topic, and for me it is very helpful and supportive to read everybody elses comments about this.
Personally I could never been forced into not having children, but I am not so sure if I could not have been forced into having them.
About my girlfriend. Sometimes I wonder if my statements (from day 1) about not wanting children are taken seriously. She is a very nice woman, but I cant help feeling some “silent pressure” about the kid-issue. And even if she somehow keeps me with the crowd I am too often tired of wasting energy considering kids when my decision has already been taken. Furthermore….Hope to not sound selfish..but I want to enjoy the happiness of my chosen life and not go around feeling pressured for making the wrong decision or forcing unhappiness onto my partner, parent or anybody else.
I think my girlfriend might let me get away with not wanting to become a parent, but I ask myself to what price. I have still not given up on her and maybe she really is only in love with the idea of wanting kids, but we definetly need to sit down and have that talk (But have you noticed how those really wanting children seem to look beside the obvious negative sides of parenting?!?).
Britgirl: I am just happy to participate in this great post:) And this topic fit perfect.
Lurker, I’m with the others. While I realize that you are wanting to trust your girlfriend, you really need to take matters into your own hands. I’m sorry, but it sounds like she is ignoring your intentions and probably feels like she can change your mind, or, if you marry, that she feels she’s “snagged” you either change your mind, or force you into fatherhood. i.e. “oops” you.
It is unfortunate that men don’t have more options other than sterilization (which is permanent) and condoms (which can be sabatoged.) I really do wish that they would come out with an oral contraceptive for men. For one, it’ll give them equal opportunities to control their own fertility, and for two, enough with making women be totally responsible.
And on that last note, I have always held the idea that a woman is 100% totally responsible for birth control. I am a woman, and that is how I lived my own life. The reason I say this is that no matter what happens, it is the woman who will ultimately bear the child, and most likely be more responsible for the child. I carried my own condoms for YEARS. Even now, I’m sterile (tubal), my boyfriend uses condoms. That is HIS way of empowering himself and his fertility. He has every right to request it, even though I am sterile, and so I have no problem with using them either. It’s his body, his choice. Just like this is my body, my choice.
Lurker, I found this site: intentionsknown.net Read the section on men and follow a few of the links regarding men being forced into fatherhood. Someone women get such “babies rabies” that they can no longer think rationally, nor do many of them even care. If you have a penis with viable sperm and a wallet, they’ll snag you through shared DNA called a “baby.” While I have never been married, I have dumped, broken up with, and not bothered to call back men who want to be fathers, or men who *are* fathers. There’s no way on God’s green earth that I wanted to deal with an ex and her crotchling. I also call bullshit when people say, “you can’t help who you fall in love with.” Sure you can. It’s called self control.
One more thing, Lurker, she’ll have more people on “her side” supporting her and her desire for babies, than you will for your lack of desire for children. You will be under HUGE pressure by being called a child, immature, you don’t love her, etc. etc. She may even seek out women “friends” who would support the notion of her oopsing you. “Oh, he’ll come around once he sees the baby.” and other “bingoes” of that nature. I realize this is an extreme case, and you know your situation better than all of us, but just be very very careful and take your decision firmly into your own hands.
I have a comment on the original post, but I’ll post that separately.
All of that being said … the topic to this post is spot on. I’ll give you an example. I just received an email inquiring about the baby shower for a coworker who is pregnant with her second child. We had a baby shower for a male coworker a couple of months ago. In that time, I’ve gotten other announcements for baby showers for other coworkers. Do you honestly think that *I*, a childfree woman, would have any “showers” thrown for her? (Ok, maybe by my boyfriend, nudge*nudge*wink*wink*saynomore
) But my point about all of this is, if a woman is lacking any amount of self esteem, confidence, or simply wants to be in the limelight, the idea of a baby shower is one way she can draw attention to herself. Because, as we all know, it takes nothing but atleast one fuck to become pregnant, and then you’re showered with attention from other mothers.
Right there is a subtle, yet perfect example, of societal pressure to have kids. What sort of reaction do you think I would have gotten if I had sent out an email last March wanting to celebrate my 7th year of being sterile? I’d be put on the “weird” mental list of everyone who received that email. Also, no one else is about to suggest a non-baby shower for me either.
For me, being a childfree woman can be lonely. I’ve been feeling a bit lonely as of late. Not so much because I don’t have a boyfriend, I do. I love him dearly and we’re committed to each other. But what I am wanting is a woman friend that I can hang with or do “chick” things with. I don’t have that. The one CF friend I have moved out of state. My one friend from jr. high…lives out of state. Further, she’s a mother. The woman I mentioned in the previous paragraph that they’re going to throw a baby shower for, I do like her. I asked her if she wanted to catch a late night movie with me on Friday, just us chicks. It was her idea to “get away” from the hubby and kid. I texted her on Friday night. Well.. she’s got a 2 1/2 year old and is pregnant. So, obviously, she was sick and busy. (Atleast she had the courtesy to apologize not responding right away, she is definitely a *parent* and not a breeder.)
The point is this: I run across more mothers than childfree women. And even with childfree women, we’re so diverse and varied, that it can be hard to connect as well.
Now, if that’s not societal pressure right there, I don’t know what is. And this isn’t even including the outright up front messages we receive that “you MUST parent!”
CfSinceSix:
To you and the others, thanks for adressing the more personal comments from me in this post, I appreciate everyone of them and got more than I hoped for. I am in no position of being OOps`ed. Its theoretically less than 1 percent chance for that.
I have learned that more comfotable you feel about things the less need for being agressive in point of view…
I agree with all of you. I want to address people’s desire for more childfree friends by doing my usual plug for Volunteering!!! I’ve met many child free people while volunteering for causes that I support, things like free speech, animal rescue, workers rights, non-child centered stuff like that. In my experience, volunteer based organizations are filled with passionate people who have similar views. Even the childed people I’ve met in my volunteer activities rarely mention their children beyond passing conversation.
cfsince6, you forgot the other way.. abstinence.. at the last count, i found at least 17 ways some different versions of not having children for women.
not that i object. just that men need the same amount of protection.. or some more than they are having.
now lurker.. i will put a link to a site IT WILL FREAK YOU OUT, it freaks me out. this is from 2004
http://www.reason.com/news/show/29035.html
even if a man isnt the father he can still be treated as one.. by women they never ever met or been in the same state/country in.. it doesnt happen in the UK.. YET…
a bit late on this one! but i’ve really enjoyed catching up on all the comments. This blog and it’s readers is/are awesome
I can’t stop by and not write my own comment
Not that I’ve got much to add to all the other comments! To quote RMS “learn to listen to yourself above what “society” tells us, whether that path is to be parents or childfree.” So true!
For me, if I ever feel under any kind of pressure about my decision to be CF, I imagine myself totally on my own… no partner, no parents, no friends, no co-workers, in my life trying to coerce/influence me otherwise, no ’silent pressure’… I imagine I don’t know anyone! I imagine that I’ve got to go out into the big wide world, just me and my decision to be CF, and start life all over again, meeting new people.
Then I feel calm, because I know, if it was just me, on my own, ready to go out into the world, my decision to be CF would stand strong. The decision is mine.
It may sound maybe a bit new-age-y, but hey, it works for me
Mercurior: NUTS!
UkShell: I try to take a deep breath and smile while I think of all the benefits my CF lifestyle allows me. It usually helps in the moment. Then I read this blog to polish my grim smile even more.
yes.. but any woman or man with baby rabies.. you can throw out a lot of civilised behaviour.. seemingly intelligent people once they catch that disease.. in their minds its all justified.. it doesnt say what would happen if he had a vasectomy..
Mercurior: Haha..yes that would have given it another interesting twist..
Lurker, I have to respond to your comment here: “Furthermore….Hope to not sound selfish..but I want to enjoy the happiness of my chosen life and not go around feeling pressured for making the wrong decision or forcing unhappiness onto my partner, parent or anybody else.”
Why do you think it selfish to enjoy your life? It’s your life! You can live it however you want! That is your decision and your power. Whatever your girlfriend decides is her decision and her responsibility, not yours. Be honest with her and live your truth. Convey to her that you are serious about what you want for yourself. You have that right.
P.S. Thanks, UKShell for quoting me! I’m honoured!
RMS: Thanks. I think these days I am in some kind of introvert state turning every stone of my decision and in this post it all just came out at once..:). I believe myself to be an honest person and encourage my girlfriend to be the same about her decision.
I feel SO lucky that I have my mom, my boyfriend, one of my coworkers and parent friends who support me. Sure from time to time I feel left out (where’s MY “you’re smart enough to know your own mind!” shower?) but i have found that an online support network is pretty good. feeling poorly about your decision thanks to a breederella? read this blog, post on a forum, TALK, commiserate. Oddly enough some of my staunchest supporters, are PARENTS. you need to find HONEST parents - who know that it is about fire in the belly WANT/NEED - and how that is what gets you through parenting. They are the ones who are most respectful of our CF lifestyle decision.
oh and Lurker? sorry mate, gf is probably gonna have to go if you wanna STAY CF. baby rabies is NOT pretty. she’s probably only giving you lip service. if she ‘LOVES BAYBEES!” it is only a matter of time before the mouth begins to foam and she tries to ride you like it’s the kentucky derby… if nothing happens after a few times it’ll be “WE MUST GO TO THE FERTILITY CLINIC *demonic voice* NOW!!!!!!”. Run honey. Run.
I really don’t understand why someone would try to change a childfree person into a breeder? I mean, do we want to be encouraging people who are already in the mindset that they don’t want kids that they should be breeding because [fill in the reason]? We should definitely just be encouraging people to do what they feel—-you can’t return a baby if you decide you make a bad choice.
I can’t believe how wonderful this blog is. I’m absolutely elated to have found it. Thank god for you.
So glad I have been reading through your posts about being child-free! I am in the States and completely a minority, I’m glad to have found a group here who have the valid thoughts about children that I do! I am feeling pressure at the moment, I have lost touch with friends who have had children and I am right now worried that my significan’t other won’t be able to make this decision with me even though he says he can. I’m not getting support in my decision from my parents (whom I am convinced wished they had stayed CF) and I’m tired of feeling guilted into it. Thank you for this!!