Like It Is

I am always to see how people find Like It Is, a childfree blog. In addition to searched on the term “childfree” some of the most common searches includes:

“how to make husband want children”

“tricking him into having a baby”

“I want a baby, husband does not”

“husband having vasectomy and I don’t want him to”

This post is one they most frequently arrive at.

I followed one of the vasectomy links and came upon this very interesting site. In the light of the last post, where we had women telling the world of their “struggle” to have kids, I found it good be reminded that not everyone needs or wants to reproduce. It’s hard for women to get tubals when they want them. But at least men here are able to get a vasectomy. They have to show a doctor that they’ve thought it out and have thought it through and considered all the potential impacts, however the point is they can get it done. Pity it’s not the same for women, who often find doctors welcoming if they want reproduce, but hostile to their decision not to.

Read the stories and, as always feel free to comment.

Vasectomy Information Stories

There are various stories from men who have had vasectomies, their experience of the procedure and, in most cases their reasons for having it done. While there are some stories of reversals these are few compared to those who were simply relieved to have the procedure done, and to be free from the fear of pregnancy. Or their partners having to use the pill.

Their stories are worth reading. Here are some excerpts from the Childfree posts. You can read their individual stories on the site.

“I wanted a vasectomy when I first found out that I could make kids whilst I was in special ED classes in school. Because I was a slow learner I didn’t want kids like me or worse. I was 14 years old when I found out that I could make kids and found out how to I asked my family dr about it when I was 15. My vasectomy was march 17 2004.”

M is Greenfeather’s wife. She tells the story from her perspective.

“I know how difficult a decision this is for most guys, and didn’t know for sure if he would go through with it. We are childfree, and want to remain childfree, so sterilization was a good option. It just remained to be seen who would get sterilized. I’m relieved to be done with birth control pills finally, and very proud of my husband for doing this for us.”

And this one is my personal favourite:

Australian childfree vasectomy story. “I came out of a long relationship with an infertile woman, and I still have no desire to have children. At 39 I still look early 30’s and have some interest from some younger, and my guess fertile women. Before enjoying my status of born again virgin, my biggest fear is the impact of getting someone pregnant; it happens even with contraception. I’m now a member of the infertile club. Although I didn’t need it immediately, it was good to have it done. For me it helps as a communication tool. I say to a woman “I’ve had a vasectomy” they respond “you can have it reversed”; I say “no chance”. We have a clear understanding, which is different to “I don’t want to have children’, where the woman still sees you as having the juice, but not willing to share it for procreation. It eliminates a certain section of prospective partners, but makes things more honest. I practice safe sex anyway, but if there is some stupid drunken activity, I know there will be no surprises later.”

Interesting how women assume that if a man has had a vasectomy, he will want to get it reversed to have kids with her? Another form of “you will change your mind about having kids, now we’ve met?”

Technorati Tags: childfree, Childfree

Every time I read about women’s “struggle” with infertility I have a hard time understanding how it gets magnified to such an extent as to warrant much of the attention it currently gets. People say it is not discussed enough - to me it seems that it’s all some people talk about. It seems always to be on childed people’s minds as if I happen to mention I chose not to have children, one of the more idiotic comments I get back is “what about women who can’t have children?” presumably to encourage me to reconsider my choice. Well what about them?

Of course, I know that, since I don’t feel sorry for women who “struggle with infertility” or women who try to move heaven and earth to have children, I’ll simply be written off as “harsh” “unsympathetic” and “insensitive”.

I read many of the comments – there are over 300 of them. And one thing I noticed was that, in the main anyone who suggested anything less than sympathy was deserved was generally labeled as negative, adoption was not welcomed as a solution to infertility even when some commentators suggested it and that the need to have a child coming from one’s own body was the ultimate goal.

This is what I find hard to understand: If the object of the yearning for a baby is to give love to that child then why is it that the thousands of abandoned children (supposedly also once wanted) are not a suitable objects for that maternal love? As one commentator said, imagine the impact on one changed child’s life.

If the object isn’t to give the child love then how does one describe the (want a child, must have a child, must have THEIR OWN child that is the driving force behind the quest for a child/children?

Adoption isn’t necessarily an instant solution. But here it seems to be bio child or no child.Which leads me to think that it’s not being a parent that is key here, it is giving birth to a biological child.

Perhaps counsel about being childfree should also be offered before people shell out all their worldly goods for IVF. Only that must be hard, because so few people actually understand or believe that being childfree as a choice can be liberating. Neither do they know any childfree examples.

Peppered through the comments are several telling phrases, such as what constitutes a “normal” woman’s body( one that produces children) and how anyone who dares voice anything other than sympathy is “hostile”, and an example of what these infertile women have to face from society.

I wonder if it’s anything near the comments that childfree men and women get on an almost daily basis. No sympathy for us, because of course WE are not striving to make our own bio-child… or any child for that matter.

Anyway, I am sure you can make up your own minds.

Sympathy for the Infertile?

In my last post I listed 40 of the more common questions that the childfree get on account of their decision not to breed or their lack of desire to go along with the masses in re-producing themselves. As was expected, we had some lively discussion. This post on first glance shares some similarities, but only some. Actually I thought of it while I was writing last week’s post but thought it would be interesting to separate the two issues.

By the time you’ve read down the list (and probably added your own) you will see that the difference with list list is that they are statements. Many of you commented that the childed don’t even bother to ask questions, they simply make a statement of, in their mind, “fact.” Exactly where they get their “facts” from remains a mystery, particularly since they can be demolished with just a little thought. Because most are not even logical. Doesn’t stop them being levied with breathtaking certainty though. I won’t go into how insulting they are, I think that’s self evident, particularly if you’ve been on the receiving end.

Now, over the past couple of years these so-called “statements of fact have appeared in posts on Like It Is (and on other blogs – kudos there) under topics of their own, so you’ll recognize many of them instantly. And YES! They ARE bingoes for the most part. But, like the previous post, I wanted to see what they looked like all grouped together. And like the previous post I found myself wondering what right people have to make these statements… and how much crap we as childfree people find ourselves putting up with. So here goes. Let’s see how many I can get down…

1. Every woman wants children
2. Having children is a natural part of life
3. Children are the future
4. There’s nothing more important than being called Mummy. Or Daddy or parent.)
5. It’s different when they’re your own
6. You’ll regret it if you don’t have children
7. Children are your way of giving back
8. You’ll change your mind when (fill in blank…) you’ll grow out of it
9. You’re missing out on life (if you don’t have children)
10. Once you have them, you will love them
11. People who don’t have kids are unloved
12. People who don’t have kids are lonely
13. You don’t leave a legacy if you don’t have kids
14. Your life will be empty without kids
15. Having kids is what you do
16. You must hate children if you don’t want your own
17. Not having children is un-natural
18. Not having kids is un-Christian
19. We are supposed to have children – God says so
20. You’re unfulfilled without kids
21. I can’t imagine life without my kids
22. Having kids defines you
23. Having children makes you grow up
24. Not having kids is selfish
25. You’re selfish if you don’t want kids
26. You must hate parents if you don’t like kids
27. Having children makes you a family
28. Having a child is the ultimate womanly achievement
29. Having a child is the best thing ever
30. Nothing is more important than having children
31. You’re not contributing to society if you don’t have children
32. You’re not doing your bit if you don’t have children
33. You’re wasting your life if you don’t have kids
34. But You’re smart… you’d make great parents
35. You’re (fill in appropriate blank with political/religious/racial noun) you ought to have kids
36. You’re letting your family/religion/race/country/planet down if you don’t have kids
37. It’s a sin not to want kids
38. You’ll be unhappy if you don’t have kids
39. You’re denying your husband children if you don’t want kids
40. You have good jobs, you should have kids
41. If you don’t want kids, there’s no point getting married
42. A child makes your life/marriage complete
43. A child is how you leave your mark on the world
44. Having kids makes you a better/stronger/kinder/selfless/person
45. But you were meant to have kids!
46. Children make you happy
47. Since you don’t have children you couldn’t possibly understand (fill in kid related issue)
48. The rewards of having children outweigh everything you could possibly imagine
49. Men grow up through having kids
50. You’re obviously not cut out to be a parent
51. If you don’t have children you must be angry and bitter
52. Raising children is the most important job in the world
53. If you don’t have kids you don’t leave your genes behind
54. Women are programmed to want children
55. Well, you’re getting married. It’s good you’re settling down and having kids
56. You must have a child… it’s the best feeling in the world!
57. We’re just waiting for you to have your own kids
58. You don’t know what you’re missing
59. If you don’t want kids, you need a psychiatrist
60. Kids are more important than the planet
61. You’re not a real woman unless you have children
62. They can do great things with fertility drugs these days!
63. Your marriage is empty without children

Wow… we’re at 63 and counting – and I’m tired. The thing is as we know – there are several more of these bingos (check Explosive Bombchelle’s blog) and on other blogs, and most of all in our collective memories when we’ve either been on the receiving end of these stupid statements or know someone who has.

And, though I know that some of these also are bingo-ed as questions. I have avoided listing the questions. We had 40 of those last week.

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I thought it would be interesting to list (some of) them. It’s really staggering the questions childfree people get asked simply because we’ve made a choice not to re-produce. These questions are quite a massive intrusion into a very personal decision. Yet the childfree get asked them, and sometimes, we even try to answer them! Even though it’s none of anyone’s business why we don’t want to have kids, people seem to make a point of making it their business.

I’ve numbered them simply for ease of reading… they’re all as irritating as the other and they’re in no particular order of importance. Some are so silly I have trouble not adding (duh!?) after them. And it doesn’t include the statements. Those are different. But many of these questions are often presented to the childfree as statements of “fact.”

1. Do you have children?
2. Why not?
3. Don’t you like children?
4. When are you going to have children?
5. Aren’t you leaving it too late?
6. When are you going to give me grandkids?
7. Why don’t you like children?
8. Why are you so selfish?
9. Doesn’t your husband want children?
10. Who’s going to look after you (when you’re old, sick,)
11. Why aren’t you doing your bit for society?
12. Why don’t you want to be a mother?
13. Why don’t you want to be a father?
14. Isn’t that selfish?
15. Who’s going to pay for your pension?
16. Who are you going to leave your shoes, house, clothes, worldly goods to?
17. Aren’t you lonely?
18. Are you normal?
19. How can you not want kids?
20. Don’t you like yourself?
21. Do you hate parents?
22. What if your parent’s hadn’t had you?
23. What’s wrong with you?
24. What about women who can’t have children?
25. What else is there in life if you don’t have children?
26. Isn’t that what everyone does?
27. What’s life if you don’t have kids?
28. What if everyone thought like you?
29. Did you have a bad childhood?
30. Don’t you want to make your mother/father grandparents?
31. Don’t you want a fambly family?
32. What do you spend your money on?
33. What contribution have you made to society?
34. How can you deprive your husband of a child/children?
35. Why aren’t you fulfilling your nurturing role?
36. Don’t you want to have your own flesh and blood?
37. Don’t you want to experience being pregnant?
38. Where’s your maternal instinct?
39. How will you fill your life?
40. When are you going to Grow Up?

I stopped at 40 but of course there are many more. I’m sure you can add your own and even variations. Go right ahead.

Technorati Tags: childfree, childfree

I thought this was so absolutely spot on I had to post it as soon as I saw it.

Childfree cinemas (theatres) are long overdue. Can we have them soon please? How many more films (movies) does one have to have ruined by parents who are simply incapable of discerning what’s suitable for their progeny?? This is one reason that, while I want to go and see Iron Man, I’ve held off. Because the chances of it being spoiled by said kids and teens is disturbingly high (and yes, pun is intended). Cinemas/theatres seem all to happy to grab our money for their overpriced tickets, yet could give a toss for whether we get what we paid for. Maybe we should be voting with our feet.

Enjoy Mark’s post and the comments. If there’s a vote, campaign or whatever, I’m in.

Meanwhile I may have to wait for Iron Man on Blue Ray. And let’s not mention the forthcoming Batman film which is going to be pretty dark. I think we might be safe there as the rating on Batman will and should be higher, but who knows? If any kids are at that one…

Why We need childfree cinemas

Technorati Tags: Childfree, Iron Man

I was reading Norma’s comment to an older post and couldn’t help but think that this is painful proof that when it comes to being childfree, childfree people may only have themselves and their feelings to rely on. In a way, this also links back to my last post on society’s intense pressure to pro-create and the issue of acceptance, which was going to be the main theme of my post today.

We had some very interesting discussion, which I think makes interesting reading for anyone contemplating the childfree decision. And by the way, (since it’s becoming increasingly misused by non-childfree persons), by childfree I do not mean carting the kiddies off to someone else for the day.

Norma’s story illustrates vividly that anything other than complete and utter maternal love and feelings for a child is neither accepted nor tolerated by society. Since it’s an automatic “given” that every woman wants to give birth, it follows that every woman has an unending fountain of maternal feelings. If those feelings haven’t made an appearance, then childbirth is supposed to automatically and miraculously switch them on, and without question. Women who even express the idea that they might not love their new born child (let alone any other children) are either dismissed or branded as wicked, evil and definitely abnormal. Read the rest of this entry »

Technorati Tags: childfree, childfree