I was reading Norma’s comment to an older post and couldn’t help but think that this is painful proof that when it comes to being childfree, childfree people may only have themselves and their feelings to rely on. In a way, this also links back to my last post on society’s intense pressure to pro-create and the issue of acceptance, which was going to be the main theme of my post today.
We had some very interesting discussion, which I think makes interesting reading for anyone contemplating the childfree decision. And by the way, (since it’s becoming increasingly misused by non-childfree persons), by childfree I do not mean carting the kiddies off to someone else for the day.
Norma’s story illustrates vividly that anything other than complete and utter maternal love and feelings for a child is neither accepted nor tolerated by society. Since it’s an automatic “given” that every woman wants to give birth, it follows that every woman has an unending fountain of maternal feelings. If those feelings haven’t made an appearance, then childbirth is supposed to automatically and miraculously switch them on, and without question. Women who even express the idea that they might not love their new born child (let alone any other children) are either dismissed or branded as wicked, evil and definitely abnormal.
I believe there are more women who actually don’t feel all the “expected” feelings, than many would like to admit. But it’s rare that we would ever get to hear about it. Instead, when women say they really don’t want to have children they are met with the inane and unhelpful bingo of “you’ll feel differently when you have your own,” or it’s different when they’re yours.”
Norma’s story shows that “feeling differently about wanting children once you’ve had them” is never guaranteed. How strange that people still insist it is. Perhaps because mothers who’ve had children when perhaps they knew they shouldn’t don’t tell. After all, they know it will never be accepted. Yet the childfree are supposed to accept feeling differently as fact – and as a basis for going on to have children even though they know they do not wish to.
Strange too, that women are supposed to be able to make their own decisions, but when it comes to reproduction suddenly they need to be told what they will think and feel and do.
One of the reasons for having children against one’s better judgment is the powerful feeling of being accepted. No having to justify yourself, no having to feel like the odd person out, no blank, and pitying looks when you say you’re childfree, or that you don’t want children. Instead you’re welcomed into the childed fold, with all the attention, friendship and approval society can offer you… at least for a time.
We’re human, so we naturally want acceptance… but even acceptance is too big a price to pay for following your heart. For the childfree, not necessarily being accepted is all par for the course, and means that they need to actively seek out people who are also childfree. As Feh, says, volunteering or other activities are a great place to start.
Being around childed people without enough childfree validation? Bad idea – and you can guess why.
If you’re childfree, you’ll definitely have people telling you you’ll feel differently as soon as you have them. They’re wrong… because they have no idea. No doubt they would dismiss Norma’s story as the “exception.”
I wouldn’t.
You can read Norma’s comment here, or see it in the recent comments in the sidebar.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
I just read Norma’s story and I want to cry. Instead of receiving the support she NEEDED, she was made to feel evil. As we all know, she is NOT evil.
I don’t know if I mentioned here, but about 13 or so years ago I was living with a man that for a time I really sat down and reconsidered my thoughts as to whether I could have children. At one point in our relationship I thought I was pregnant. I nearly got catatonic. I found myself laying in bed, or staring at walls, for hours at a time. It progressed worse over the course of the next several days. I saw my life end. I was not happy. And I think that mentally I was breaking down. Fortunately I was not pregnant. But I think back to that time and I am reminded that NO! Dammit! Not every woman is happy to be pregnant. NO! Not every woman has maternal instincts that simply just kick in. and that YES! The thought of motherhood does make some of us women want to die.
Britgirl, you said:
When I read that, I thought, “Yeah, we’re supposed to make our own decisions, as long as it is in line with the majority and does not upset the status quo.” *pat head* “Dont’ worry your pretty little head over that, dear.”
Britgirl, you said:
Last week I signed up for a local childfree group. I realized that the women I was talking to were all childed. And while I genuinely like them, there is a disconnect. While I can appreciate the “cuteness” of stories of their children, deep down my real thoughts are, “Meh.” About a week ago I had asked a friend (who is having her baby this week and already has a 3 yr old girl) if she wanted to “sneak out” and catch a late night showing of Indiana Jones. She had expressed a desire to do so at lunch that week. I had sent her a text message on Friday afternoon for that evening.
It wasn’t until Tuesday that she IM’d me back. She apologized for not getting back to me right away as she had been sick due to pregnancy issues. Well, ok. Atleast she *did* respond and apologized for not getting back right away, but it was a very real reminder that I need to get out there and find CF women to make friends with so I joined a local group.
I’m finding that CF women are far far FAR stronger than childed women. I don’t give a f*ck what mothers say. Not only do we get derided for going against mainstream, we’re shunned and thought of as evil or whatever other monstrous being, just because there *are* those of us who do not like children nor have any interest in them. (For the record, I may have been a child once, but even then I didn’t like other children.) And many time, CF women have to go through life alone without support from other women and gather our OWN strength within us. (Mothers can pretty much spit and they’ll find another mother who can relate.) Many of us not even being able to find partners in life because of our decision not to breed (and the ensuing crude remarks from wanna-breed duhdies to be). Or, if we do marry, we endur snide remarks and CONSTANT pressuring from his family – who aren’t even the woman’s own flesh and blood. Yeah, many times it is easy to just give in to the pressure. But women who stand their ground and refuse to breed, are a very rare breed of their own since they do so many things in life on our own. Or with our partners who, many times, are on their own too – since many men they know are fathers.
At anyrate, great post, as usual, Britgirl!
“Or, if we do marry, we endur snide remarks and CONSTANT pressuring from his family – who aren’t even the woman’s own flesh and blood. Yeah, many times it is easy to just give in to the pressure. But women who stand their ground and refuse to breed, are a very rare breed of their own since they do so many things in life on our own. Or with our partners who, many times, are on their own too – since many men they know are fathers.”
Tell me about it. I’m in my late 30′s and have just gotten married. I thought my remarks about DH’s nieces/children in general had put the issue to rest basically “I really only enjoy them when I’m drunk”. What type of person would encourage someone who has publicly stated they need to get drunk to enjoy children, to have them. Anyway, now that we’re married, the floodgates have opened again, because we’re “the last chance to carry on the family name”. DH’s sisters have only produced girls, and everyone “needs” a boy in the family. So here come the bingo’s…and still they come, even though I’ve clearly expressed my disgust at their dismissal of their relatively delightful granddaughters.
I am so happy and literally blessed to live in a situation that encourages me to live my life as I see fit. My parents support me, my friends support me and since his family lives 8 hours away, nuts to them.
Harder than mothers admitting their children didn’t fulfill or complete them are the children who at some point realize they were a source of pain and disappointment. As the pro-child world tries to convince women (and men) to produce children they do not necessarily want it is the children who ultimately suffer. I am fortunate to have a mother who worships me and could not imagine going through life as Norma’s son, or any other child whose mother doesn’t get overwhelmed with love for their child. As it is I have a father who did what society wanted him to do and had 3 children who he blames for dreams not fulfilled. He’s never said it but we all know and it doesn’t feel all that good. So parents can tell people until they are blue in the face how much they love and adore their children and unless they are saying it with the utmost honesty their children will eventually figure out the truth.
Nora, if you are reading this, I am SO sorry that society pressured you into motherhood. I know what many people will say: you should have thought about that before, that’s what you get for not standing up for yourself, bed-made-lie, blahblahblah. But the pressure society puts on us to spawn is immense and you only have to crack ONCE to fall into the parenting trap. It’s not like falling off your bike: okay, you may get a scar or even a few broken bones but most of the time, you’ll get over it and things return to normal pretty fast. But when you ‘fall off’ your childfree life and give birth, you can’t just hop back on.
It takes a lot of courage to speak up when everyone tries to shush you. But why even care? Aren’t those people the same ones who pressured you into having a baby in the first place? people, and especially women (come on sisters, let’s be honest here), can’t stand it when others manage to dodge the bullet that struck them down. If they suffer, why shouldn’t you?
People will tell you over and over that having a baby is better than drugs, sex and alcohol combined. The sun starts to shine. Angels begin to sing. And you are supposed to go into a pink sugarcoated high while you choke through tears of happyness that your life finally has meaning. And if so many people say that, there has to be some truth to it, right?
But just how many people are lying through their teeth, ashamed that they are not in a state of eternal bliss and trying to cover it up so they can appear normal to the other moms… who secretly feel the same.
I’m sure many parents are honestly happy with their choices in life. I know mine are. But those confident parents will never try to get you to breed: they are confident enough in their choice to parent, that they do not need to ‘convert’ a childfree person to validate it.
I’m not really buying into the whole PDD thing. I know hormones can do funny things to your body and mind, and I’m not dismissing the existence of PDD entirely, but just how many sufferers just never wanted the kid in the first place? And why does that make them ill?
on the comment of “the child will figure it out” I’m sad to say it’s true for me at least. I don’t now of other people my age but I figured things out while growing up. Since I was little my parents had this sort of expectations about parenthood and all those kodak moments. That the other parents told them about this and that and when I came, well it sort of waking up from a dream to a nightmare for them. (to cut things short I wasn’t what they expected to be). now I look at my moms eyes, and while she kept saying she loves me and all that, I can see the disapointment in her eyes and all the dreams she gave up. She wanted to be a nurse, but my father wanted her to stay at home, and take care of me instead. So she didn’t finish college. She was kind of hoping I’ll be a nurse, but alas to her. I never wanted to be one and I took the other course. I really feel sorry for her that I disapointed her and my father for not being what they expected for me to be but I can’t help it this is ‘me’.
I checked out a page for parents the other day. It was like a message board. The topic was parenting in general. What surpriced me most is how many different opinions parents have about the same problem. Even worse was it to see how convinced the parents were about their opionon being correct and how strongly they disregarded the opinion from others.
Tempting to be part of this? Not so much!
I am CF because I have zero interest in parenting, zero biological clock, and all that happy shit. I’m just not feeling it. I don’t mind being around children as long as I don’t notice them because they’re being obnoxious little assholes, but I don’t enjoy the little darlings’ company either. Even with good kids that I like, such as my niece, I only have a threshhold of a few short hours. So there’s no way in hell I could live with that 24/7!
I am here because my mom forgot her pill. I’ve gathered from numerous things she’s said and done over the years that she didn’t seem all that interested in being a parent. But what did she say when I’d put two & two together and question it? “Oh honey, I love YOU because you’re MINE! It’s different when they’re yours!” (She was also an alkie who got entangled in some very abusive relationships. Needless to say, growing up with her was quite a bumpy ride!)
Now my dad seems to love me, but he’s very hard to read. And even if he didn’t really want me, he’s principled enough to always to the right thing. And he certainly has done the right thing by me. My stepmom is a natural mother figure and all around awesome person. She’s filled a tremendous void in my life and I’m so grateful to have her in my life. If it wasn’t for them and my grandparents, I don’t know where I’d be.
I haven’t out and out told dad & stepmom about my CF status, and they don’t bingo me. But as much as I know they’d love more grandbabies, I think they know deep in their heart of hearts that I’m not mommy material. If I told them, I know what they might say: “Now honey, I know you had a rough time with your mother, but please don’t let that rob you of the greatest thing in life!” As pragmatic and reasonable as my stepmom may be on everything else, mommyhood is one thing she has overly rosy & sunshiney sentiments about.
But the thing is, my mom isn’t the reason I don’t want children. I’m just naturally not that way inclined. My mom is merely the reason why I don’t buy the “it’s different when they’re yours” bingo. My mom is merely a cautionary tale of how I’d bloody well better listen to my heart on this one!
Parents lie. Either because they really have convinced themselves it’s different or because they want you to experience that, actually it’s not. or because they want to make it so. They lie about not having expectations for their children (often things they wanted for themselves and for one reason or another were not able to achieve). They lie about instant motherly love (which is not to say it never happens) . They lie about the biological clock and they lie about how “having kids is the ultimate, epitome, accomplishment – whatever.” If it is then why so some of them yell at their kids in a way I wouldn’t yell at a dog? And then say… “wait til you have kids of your own?”
Maybe they have their reasons, but they aren’t good enough. Children are a non-refundable, non returnable deal. One does not have to have them. It would be good if parents were more open and honest but of course that would never do – others might decide not to have kids. And worse the other parents would descend on them like a ton of bricks… with “how can you NOT love your own flesh and blood?” Just like they did in Norma’s case.
I feel for children who are not 100% loved and wanted and I believe as has been said here they do pick up on it. And it’s not their fault.
Now mind you, I do know a couple of people where kids were the dead last thing they thought they wanted when they found out they were pregnant, but they really did love them with every fiber of their being when they got here.
Well, lucky them!!! Doesn’t make me any more willing to play Russian roulette with it, though.
But I reckon lots of people who find themselves in that situation figure they might as well buck up and make the best of it, because it’s gonna be a goddamn miserable rest of their lives if they don’t.
Ma finally came out and said she never wanted to have kids when I was eleven years old. Dad always acted like we were disappointments in his way. My younger siblings and I grew up knowing we weren’t exactly wanted. I have no doubt that kids pick up on a parent’s disinterest in them early on.
Dad was just too stupid to use condoms when he was young (he had two kids before he married my mother).
Ma was pressured into being married by my grandfather and then into having the kids that followed. If she had stood her ground and followed her own mind. I believe she would have been a lot happier. Today she’s a bitter woman.
whew! breath-takingcomments… It is good that you all had a chance to share your opinions. I think Norma shouldn’t be blamed. Everyone has an opportunity to make choices.,. Love what you choose.
I’m going to play devil’s advocate here, as I often do elsewhere, and comment that I do not think Norma is NOT to blame. She felt she did not want this child – yet she CHOOSE – to cave in to societal/family pressures and bear this baby. I feel incredible sorrow for her and more so, her child, but I do not feel that she is NOT to blame.
All of us here and everywhere who CHOOSE to be childfree have felt the exact same family and societal pressures to burden ourselves with children. Yet we have gone against the grain and followed our hearts. Not an easy thing to do. What I do emphatically admire about her is that she has the honesty and integrity of admitting it wasn’t everything she was told (and ultimately fell to believe) that it would be. Very honorable and difficult to say the least. Perhaps someone in her same position will reconsider being schoomzed by those around them claiming all will smooth out once ‘it’s here’. Bullshit.
Follow your hearts men and women, and you wont be steered wrong. Thank you Norma, for sharing your story.
I don’t believe in elves or in Tinkerbell or Santa, so I don’t see why I would believe in the Blissful Mommy Fairy – you know, the one that turns every screeching woman in labor into a beautific Blissful Mommy once that head rips through. I think people who didn’t like children, had no patience and who resent being inconvenienced remain so. I don’t see how I would undergo a personality-altering lobotomy during pregnancy, nor would I like one. I know myself well enough to know that being woken up, pestered for money, and told off by some snot-nosed kid would not be “charming.” I like my sex life, I like my figure, and I like my bank account. I do not like cleaning, loud cartoons, or the smell of feces. I just don’t see how my “likes” and “dislikes” would ever switch places. Like any other bad decision, peer pressure should not make you succomb to it. This one is the absolute worst one because it is forever and it will ruin every other aspect of your life. You can leave a job, a city, a husband, a house, anything and anyone, but not this mistake – you will be taking that kid with you. No thanks!
og217 – bloody marvellous and I quite agree!
I very much doubt that I will go to bed this evening and wake up tomorrow a fully committed Muslim/Jew/Jedi Knight.
Should I repeatedly jam my hand in a door for 12 hours, I also very much doubt that I will emerge as a Holocaust denier.
I am very fond of cats. However, if somebody tells me they do not like cats, I do not force them to hold one, ask them when they are planning on getting a cat or tell them it will be different when they have their own cat.
Call me overly naive, but I do NOT believe that humans somehow go through some kind of ‘belief overhaul’ in the time it takes to produce offspring: if you are ma/paternal, those feelings will, presumably, reach some kind of zenith when you sprog. If you are not that way inclined, should you drop one, then presumably you will love it – in time, might even grow to like it – but it will not instantly become the centre of your universe (but then, if you’re really canny, you won’t even have to deal with that particular hellish scenario
).
I am a card-carrying, fire-breathing feminist and worked on an interesting project some years ago about women, maternity and maternal feelings. It would probably shock the hell out of most people to learn how many mothers are not really that into kids – not even their own. Some stories I heard – particularly from older generations – were very sad. Many women felt ‘forced’ into motherhood (as it was the ‘expected’ thing to do) and had no great love for their offspring – many, in fact, actually resented them for taking away their options to pursue a career/hobby/love of travel/general life goals etc.
This is the great barrier that CF women (I’m not discounting men here, only saying that they are not subject to quite the same societal pressures) face – this element of somehow being ‘not normal’ if you actively choose not to reproduce.
I admit I’m quite militant about being CF and I refuse to be an apologist – ‘oh, kids are cute, it’s just that I don’t want any’ – actually, no, I don’t LIKE children, full stop. So, yes, I firmly agree with the premise of this article – you cannot FORCE somebody to feel emotions that they are not naturally inclined towards, nor is it right that anybody should expect an individual to develop those feelings, in any situation.
Doubtless, there are people out there who love kids – good luck to them. I don’t. Why is our CF point of view any less valid?