63 Statements Made To the Childfree (When They’re Not Getting The Questions)
16 06 2008In my last post I listed 40 of the more common questions that the childfree get on account of their decision not to breed or their lack of desire to go along with the masses in re-producing themselves. As was expected, we had some lively discussion. This post on first glance shares some similarities, but only some. Actually I thought of it while I was writing last week’s post but thought it would be interesting to separate the two issues.
By the time you’ve read down the list (and probably added your own) you will see that the difference with list list is that they are statements. Many of you commented that the childed don’t even bother to ask questions, they simply make a statement of, in their mind, “fact.” Exactly where they get their “facts” from remains a mystery, particularly since they can be demolished with just a little thought. Because most are not even logical. Doesn’t stop them being levied with breathtaking certainty though. I won’t go into how insulting they are, I think that’s self evident, particularly if you’ve been on the receiving end.
Now, over the past couple of years these so-called “statements of fact have appeared in posts on Like It Is (and on other blogs – kudos there) under topics of their own, so you’ll recognize many of them instantly. And YES! They ARE bingoes for the most part. But, like the previous post, I wanted to see what they looked like all grouped together. And like the previous post I found myself wondering what right people have to make these statements… and how much crap we as childfree people find ourselves putting up with. So here goes. Let’s see how many I can get down…
- Every woman wants children
- Having children is a natural part of life
- Children are the future
- There’s nothing more important than being called Mummy. Or Daddy or parent.)
- It’s different when they’re your own
- You’ll regret it if you don’t have children
- Children are your way of giving back
- You’ll change your mind when (fill in blank…) you’ll grow out of it
- You’re missing out on life (if you don’t have children)
- Once you have them, you will love them
- People who don’t have kids are unloved
- People who don’t have kids are lonely
- You don’t leave a legacy if you don’t have kids
- Your life will be empty without kids
- Having kids is what you do
- You must hate children if you don’t want your own
- Not having children is un-natural
- Not having kids is un-Christian
- We are supposed to have children – God says so
- You’re unfulfilled without kids
- I can’t imagine life without my kids
- Having kids defines you
- Having children makes you grow up
- Not having kids is selfish
- You’re selfish if you don’t want kids
- You must hate parents if you don’t like kids
- Having children makes you a family
- Having a child is the ultimate womanly achievement
- Having a child is the best thing ever
- Nothing is more important than having children
- You’re not contributing to society if you don’t have children
- You’re not doing your bit if you don’t have children
- You’re wasting your life if you don’t have kids
- But You’re smart… you’d make great parents
- You’re (fill in appropriate blank with political/religious/racial noun) you ought to have kids
- You’re letting your family/religion/race/country/planet down if you don’t have kids
- It’s a sin not to want kids
- You’ll be unhappy if you don’t have kids
- You’re denying your husband children if you don’t want kids
- You have good jobs, you should have kids
- If you don’t want kids, there’s no point getting married
- A child makes your life/marriage complete
- A child is how you leave your mark on the world
- Having kids makes you a better/stronger/kinder/selfless/person
- But you were meant to have kids!
- Children make you happy
- Since you don’t have children you couldn’t possibly understand (fill in kid related issue)
- The rewards of having children outweigh everything you could possibly imagine
- Men grow up through having kids
- You’re obviously not cut out to be a parent
- If you don’t have children you must be angry and bitter
- Raising children is the most important job in the world
- If you don’t have kids you don’t leave your genes behind
- Women are programmed to want children
- Well, you’re getting married. It’s good you’re settling down and having kids
- You must have a child… it’s the best feeling in the world!
- We’re just waiting for you to have your own kids
- You don’t know what you’re missing
- If you don’t want kids, you need a psychiatrist
- Kids are more important than the planet
- You’re not a real woman unless you have children
- They can do great things with fertility drugs these days!
- Your marriage is empty without children
Wow… we’re at 63 and counting – and I’m tired. The thing is as we know – there are several more of these bingos (check Explosive Bombchelle’s blog) and on other blogs, and most of all in our collective memories when we’ve either been on the receiving end of these stupid statements or know someone who has.
And, though I know that some of these also are bingo-ed as questions. I have avoided listing the questions. We had 40 of those last week.
Technorati Tags: childfree
At a party last week, I was talking with a woman who lives a few blocks from me. My husband and I have an old house that we’ve renovated. Anyway, she mentioned that she drives by my house on her way home and that she loved what we’d done to the outside of the house and to the yard (it’s basically just a big garden now). I told her that we’re renovating the huge attic now. She said, “oh, that’s good, because when the babies come, you’ll need all the extra space you can get.” I said, nicely, that we aren’t going to have any children (we’ve been married for 8 years and are both 36, so most people have caught on), but it was like it just did not register. She wasn’t rude or anything: It was just as if she didn’t get the concept, and she didn’t acknowledge what I’d said. I suppose that’s better than insulting me for my choice, but it was bizarre.
But in the days since, I’ve been sort of fascinated by the way she worded it: “When the babies come…” It wasn’t “when you have babies” or “when you decide to have children.” It was still an assumption–she was still assuming that we would of course have kids, but it was passive, as if people just have kids because that’s what they do and not as the result of a decision. Instead, the babies just show up! There’s no way to stop it! And we all know that a great many parents do have children because “that’s what you do” and that they do this without even thinking about it. This woman began having children very young, so it’s very possible that she cannot imagine of her life without them…which is sad.
On the other hand, I also have a funny-but-terrifying mental image of a group of babies coming to my house and just lining up at my door. “The babies are coming! The babies are coming! The babies are here!”
I just spoke to my grandmother this morning and got into the no children thing. I asked her to give me a bible verse backing up the “all married people should have children” and of course, I got the “Be fruitful and multiply” verse. When I said that the command was given when the population of the earth was less than ten at the time, her response was a great statement. “Obviously you haven’t been listening to statistics. Europe has almost no children.”
I wonder if Europe knows about their lack of childlessness?
Aryn, as bible verses go, your grandma has some on her side and you have some sort of on your side. Paul recommended people avoid marrying and having kids because the end times were coming soon, you were only to marry if you would sin and have sex out of wedlock otherwise. And many verses earlier in the bible imply that having sex or masturbating without working towards reproducing is wrong. However, again when these were written the population of the world was less than a million.
You can always say you don’t want to raise children in such a sinful world–with sexual predators around every corner and sex on tv, etc. Though that is over the top, might get grandma to shut up.
Aryn: I live in Europe, and the birthrate is indeed dwindeling. However, the population is growing because people get older (parents don’t magically die when their replacements are born). That is why they are pushing us to birth, birth, birth! They don’t care about the extinction of mankind, they care about the lack of fresh workers to keep our sacret economy going. And I, for one, refuse to be a mindless queen popping out new workerbees. Our roads and trains are crowded enough as they are!
“You just need to find the right man.” Ugh! My response is, “The right man for me doesn’t want children either.” I had a variation on that one and so I used a variation on my response.
Rude person: “What if you and your partner happen to create a space within your relationship…”
Me: “You’re just telling me that I need to find the right man.”
RP: “No, I didn’t say that. I’m just saying that what if you and your partner happen to create a space that would allow children, or be suitable for children.”
Me: “My partner and I wouldn’t be creating spaces or allowing children in our lives since we would both be of the same mindset that we did not want children. And if we didn’t want children, how would a space be created for having them? It wouldn’t. Because we wouldn’t be planning for something we didn’t want.”
That ended THAT conversation. But yeah, I’ve heard a great number of these and some variants. I’m at the point where these statements just show the person as being ignorant and a sheeple by spewing bingos that they clearly hadn’t thought through.
A few years ago I was training some new hires at my job. The whole, when-are-you-and-your-husband-going-to-have-babies conversation started. When I said we both had chosen not to have them I think I got one of my all time favorite bingos. “You took a baby making man off the market! That’s horrible!”
I have to say, I laughed at that one.
Nothing to do with original post (sorry, I do have a habit of doing this), but quote of the week for me (over heard in the fruit and veg ailse yesterday):-
me, minding my own business, looking at the tomatos, womans voice behind me talking to somebody stood next to her:-
“I hate being pregnant, it does my head in”
I turn around to see who is saying it. A woman who was (I’m guessing) about 6mnths preggers. I smiled to myself. The way she said it made it sound like she’d been pregnant (at least) once before. So, if you hate it that much, why do it again??
It’s different when they’re your own and You’ll regret it if you don’t have children are the two I hear all the time. First of all I’m 40 and have been married for 13 years. I have no interest in having a child of my own. My Mom is very supportive of this choice while others are not. Random people I don’t know who hear me talking about being childfree make comments. I have no problem telling anyone who asks that I don’t have and have never wanted children. I have a sweet 3 year old that I hang out with and I love her, but I get to go home to the quiet of my home. Her mom and I are great friends and she never once asked why I didn’t want kids. I get to spoil her and leave when she starts pitching a fit. I have never once regretted our choice to be childfree. My husbands brother (who has 3 children) told me once I would regret it and I told him if I did it was my regret and not to worry about it. I get very angry when people assume to know how I feel and why. Sorry a little vent there. I think almost everything on this list has been said to me at least once and I always say the same thing it’s not you problem. Love your posts.
That’s exactly it, Jenn. Being CF is your decision and nobody else’s business, so why do people think it’s appropriate to comment, lecture and bully you about it? I don’t assume that I know the first thing about people I’ve just met, and would never dream of opening my mouth and starting in on their life choices, but people do it to us ALL THE TIME as soon as they find out we don’t have kids.
It’s seriously time that we started launching back at people that say stuff like this, so they can learn that it’s condescending and unwelcome.
“So why don’t you have children?”
“What’s your salary a year?”
“Excuse me?”
“Oh, sorry, I though it was personal question time…”
I just thought of a great comeback for “The bible says be fruitful and multiply”:
Jesus was childfree too, unless you give in to the theory he married Mary Magdalena and had offspring.
FYI, I had to link to this and the 40 questions on my blog as I had some snarky answers to post. Thanks!
I’d like to comment on numbers 10 (”Once you have them you’ll love them”) and 46 (”Children make you happy”). In the news this week in Australia, a Brisbane couple (one of our capital cities) a couple have been charged with the murder of their 18 month old twins - they are also alleged to have tortured and starved them! Investigations have revealed that the “mother” (I use this term loosely!) had been posting on some mother’s group online forum and was constantly posting about how hard she found motherhood, she couldn’t cope etc and her relationship with twins’ father had broken down. These stupid arseholes who dare to call themselves parents already have four other children. This sperm donor and incubator were obviously typical of a lot people who just assumed that having kids was what you do in life and were most probably bingoed with the “once you have them you’ll love them” and “children make you happy” bullshit then probably realised that having kids isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and couldn’t cope with the reality of it.
As a side note - sorry to do this but I had to share my excitement with everyone - I have been on the hunt for a new female doctor (I prefer female doctors for personal women’s issues) and on the recommendation of a colleague went to this doctor yesterday. She took my entire medical and life history and then asked me if I had children and when I said no, she asked was it by choice or I just physically couldn’t. When I said it was mine and my husband’s choice, but also that I hadnt wanted them ever since I was a young girl, she said in a really enthusiastic manner, “Good for you on making such a great choice. It’s great to see people realise that there is a choice and realise that life isn’t all about just having children. You both obviously put a lot of thought in deciding that, unlike most people who just assume that having children is just what you do in life and then become bad parents”. Well dear CF-ers, I almost did cartwheels around the consult room I was so excited
Needless to say, I have found the perfect doctor and I developed an instant rapport as she was also extremely compassionate and friendly. She was extremely supportive when, in answer to her question, I told her about how most people react negatively about our decision and she said for herself that she made the choice not to have children and also was criticised. But here’s a different bingo that I’m sure hasn’t cropped up on Like It Is before. My new great doctor told me that when she’s asked if she has children and then is questioned about why she doesn’t want them, here’s the bingo that she gets from people - “But you’re a doctor, how could you not want children since your profession is all about helping people and saving lives? You should be creating life”. I had tears in eyes from laughing so much!
Thanks all for hearing me out on my positive experience
That’s great about your Doctor, Aussie Childfree!
Here in the States, a childless woman would be hard pressed indeed to find a doctor who would perform a sterilization unless she was damn near menopausal anyway!
Britgirl, I discovered your blog yesterday and have been going through the archives since.
I stumbled upon it because I was looking for breeder bingo statements after having a very annoying phone conversation with an old friend I hadn’t spoken to in months. We were just hooking up (he happened to be in the country, and meeting up was too complicated) and catching up on each other’s lives when he asked “so…. you don’t have kids?” I said no, and left it at that, and thought he had too because we started talking about our respective jobs.
THEN he said “so you’re working from home now? But that’s perfect!”
(me: yes it is!)
“You should have kids now! You’re at home, you can take care of them! It’s the perfect set-up!”
The bingoes then came flying fast and furious, and ended with “It’s just sooooo much fun to have kids!”
AAAAAAAAHHHH.
That said, like Aussie Childfree, I met THE doctor I’m staying with for my gyn needs. I consulted for the first time three weeks ago, and in the middle of the visit asked about legislation on contraceptive sterilization, to which he answered “I’m not going to do it now, not even if you stand on your head and do cartwheels in front of me!”
But we started talking about it, and he was totally non-judgmental about it, and ended with “in any case, your decision NOT to have kids sounds a heck of a lot more well thought out than what I get from 40-year-old women who come to me wanting a baby at all costs.”
Turned out he and his partner don’t want kids either, at least not right away, so he could really understand my point of view. He recommended long-term contraception and said that if I hadn’t changed my mind about having kids in a year, or even six months, he’d be willing to do the tubal ligation then.
I was just so happy I didn’t get the usual bingoes I could’ve hugged him then and there. (And well, he’s cute too!!)
What does that say about being childfree, though? Why does even a glimmer of respect for our decision feel like winning the lottery?
I was just lucky in my previous job to have two colleagues who were also childfree - there really is strength in numbers, we didn’t get hassled about it once we made our views known.
I apologize for my blank comments. I don’t know what the heck is going on with my computer but if you can delete them BritGirl please go ahead and do so.
First off, thank you BritGirl for the endorsement of my list. While I am no where near the prolific writer on the topic of childfreedom as you, I do occasionally pen some of the triumphs and tribulations of our chosen path.
I am trying to take each bingo and “pen” (can we claim penning anything in our cyberworld?) an intelligent rebuttal. Here is my answer to the question/statement of the regret bingo.
In most matters of life the spirit is: “think positive, dont worry about tomorrow”. But not for the CF??
No, seemingly not when it comes to the Chilfree. As far others are concerned we should be worrying about what they are worrying about.
Hey EB… not sure what was going on with the comments. But it must be the blog…I think the rebuttals would make great reading. It’s what we need to be doing more often.. but when these stupid bingoes come from left side it’s hard to remember the right one to grab. But we should all have one ready!
Emily… I feel your pain. Maybe when you next speak to the kids-so-fun guy you can say to him…”sooo you don’t have more kids then?” Trouble is since you’re not interested you need a stronger “mind your own business and get off my case” response. Glad you found what sounds like a reasonable doctor though.
But you are right. What does that say about the disrespect for the vast majority of childfree women and men? Beggars belief that long term contraceptives are prescribed even when not wanted rather than the doctor simply doing what the woman wants. It’s sad. We haven’t got very far at all.
Aussie CF - That is great news about your doctor! Here’s hoping we find something similar… though it seems really rare.
All - these are great comments, I’ll be back to respond to more later…
I actually saw this new GP (general practitioner - is that the same for doctors in UK/Europe/US?) recommended to me by a friend for some stressful workplace issues but I since her overwhelmingly positive reaction to me being childfree and the fact that she opened up to me that she had made the decision to be childfree as well has given me the confidence to speak to her at some stage about a tubal ligation. I’ve just turned 34 but have never spoken to any GP about getting it done before because I just got turned off the idea from all the other stories I’ve heard about women being turned down “because you might change your mind”.
Also here in the Land of Oz our family friendly government led by KRudd (our prime minister Kevin Rudd!) has upped the baby bonus to A$5,000. This $5,000 comes into effect on 1 July this year. The bonus used to be, I think, $4,200 and apparently some women are going to try and hold on until then. Somehow I think it might be a tricky to stop labour!
Britgirl,
I was actually coming up with retorts to all of these as I read through the list. Some - okay most - of them are not especially polite, however.
Whenever someone just doesn’t shut up about how great babies would be for me, I tell them, “Any baby I have would be a shaken baby. I would be impatient, resentful and abusive. And don’t tell me, ‘it’s different when it’s your own’; I’m sure that someone told Andrea Yates the same thing. She sure made it different, didn’t she?”
Sheryl - I don’t care if they aren’t polite. Considering that the original bingos aren’t polite
Bravewulf - That should shut them up. At least momentarily.
#18 & 19 stir up mixed emotions in me - I have to laugh at such “logic”, yet it saddens me that people honestly have that mindset. I recently Googled for articles on Christians who have chosen not to have children, and was pleasantly surprised to find this article at, of all places, the website of Pat Robertson’s TV network. The article was great and so were many of the comments (the rest of them made me want to tear out my hair).
http://www.cbn.com/family/marriage/Littauer_Childless1.aspx
“You’ll change your mind.”
How about “you’re a nihilist” ?