I am always to see how people find Like It Is, a childfree blog. In addition to searched on the term “childfree” some of the most common searches includes:
“how to make husband want children”
“tricking him into having a baby”
“I want a baby, husband does not”
“husband having vasectomy and I don’t want him to”
This post is one they most frequently arrive at.
I followed one of the vasectomy links and came upon this very interesting site. In the light of the last post, where we had women telling the world of their “struggle” to have kids, I found it good be reminded that not everyone needs or wants to reproduce. It’s hard for women to get tubals when they want them. But at least men here are able to get a vasectomy. They have to show a doctor that they’ve thought it out and have thought it through and considered all the potential impacts, however the point is they can get it done. Pity it’s not the same for women, who often find doctors welcoming if they want reproduce, but hostile to their decision not to.
Read the stories and, as always feel free to comment.
There are various stories from men who have had vasectomies, their experience of the procedure and, in most cases their reasons for having it done. While there are some stories of reversals these are few compared to those who were simply relieved to have the procedure done, and to be free from the fear of pregnancy. Or their partners having to use the pill.
Their stories are worth reading. Here are some excerpts from the Childfree posts. You can read their individual stories on the site.
“I wanted a vasectomy when I first found out that I could make kids whilst I was in special ED classes in school. Because I was a slow learner I didn’t want kids like me or worse. I was 14 years old when I found out that I could make kids and found out how to I asked my family dr about it when I was 15. My vasectomy was march 17 2004.”
M is Greenfeather’s wife. She tells the story from her perspective.
“I know how difficult a decision this is for most guys, and didn’t know for sure if he would go through with it. We are childfree, and want to remain childfree, so sterilization was a good option. It just remained to be seen who would get sterilized. I’m relieved to be done with birth control pills finally, and very proud of my husband for doing this for us.”
And this one is my personal favourite:
Australian childfree vasectomy story. “I came out of a long relationship with an infertile woman, and I still have no desire to have children. At 39 I still look early 30’s and have some interest from some younger, and my guess fertile women. Before enjoying my status of born again virgin, my biggest fear is the impact of getting someone pregnant; it happens even with contraception. I’m now a member of the infertile club. Although I didn’t need it immediately, it was good to have it done. For me it helps as a communication tool. I say to a woman “I’ve had a vasectomy” they respond “you can have it reversed”; I say “no chance”. We have a clear understanding, which is different to “I don’t want to have children’, where the woman still sees you as having the juice, but not willing to share it for procreation. It eliminates a certain section of prospective partners, but makes things more honest. I practice safe sex anyway, but if there is some stupid drunken activity, I know there will be no surprises later.”
Interesting how women assume that if a man has had a vasectomy, he will want to get it reversed to have kids with her? Another form of “you will change your mind about having kids, now we’ve met?”
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
While vasectomies are clearly much less invasive than tubal ligations, I would not be comfortable asking my husband to have one, even though we agree that we don’t want children – in the same way that I would find it offensive if he ever asked me to have a tubal ligation OR told me not to have one – the principle of “my body, my call”, you could say.
I think it’s great that some men decide to relieve their partners of the contraceptive burden, especially if it was their choice. There may be regret (ah! that word again) but there won’t be resentment, which I think is much worse.
That said, I know my husband is definitely queasy about having the procedure, and I wonder how many men decide not to have one because of fear that “something will go wrong with the plumbing”, even though they really don’t want kids.
I think 90% of the guys I know would have issues with somebody doing things to “the boys”. Boys are such wimps! My hat is off to the CF men that get it done – taking responsibility for their own actions and own bodies, and relieving the burden of BC from their partner. If I met a CF man who’d been snipped, I’d jump for joy.
As for the double standard regarding female sterilisation – I can see from a doc’s point of view that it’s a much more invasive procedure, with much higher risks from a liability standpoint, and for this reason alone they’d probably balk at it as elective surgery. But the smug, condescending chauvinism (or even worse, the rampant breederism from a female doc) that greets most women has to go. if you want it, and are willing to sign the waiver saying so, then it’s nobody’s business but yours.
And the whole thing about reversals makes me want to bang my head on the desk. If a guy makes a life altering decision like this, then why do women assume that they’re sooooo special that he’ll just be dying to have it reversed? Arrogance much? Sheesh!
Pendrift – I think it’s good if the man himself wants to do it… for whatever reason. My husband and I have discussed it and in fact he was the one who suggested it as it’s less invasive than a tubal would be – even though I’ve also suggested a tubal. Neither of us have got around to it but I’ve no problem with asking him again. Both of us feel either procedure would be a better alternative than the pill.
Kat – Perhaps it’s because they don’t know enough about the procedure and how it would benefit them if they are sure they don’t want children and want to take more responsibility for ensuring they don’t “accidentally” appear.
Obviously they would need to thoroughly research and be sure it’s what they want. Knowledgable Doctors, and more public information would be invaluable There is still not enough information out there on more permanent reversals – for men or women. The more men talk about it hopefully the more men can realise that it’s a viable option, and women can support them in their choices. Also it’s a good way as you say, for men to take responsibility for their own procreation choices….no chance of being oopsed.
And it really does seem that on the whole, while men might not always get a suitable doctor first time, they are less patronized, unlike women who get told “go and have a couple of kids first, then come back and I’ll consider…” I think that’s unacceptable.
Re: getting patronized, I had THAT conversation with my doctor, who I find very reasonable on the whole (he did not dismiss me offhand at all, took time to explore the reasons behind my decision not to have kids and congratulated me on having given it so much thought). He expressed his reluctance to perform a tubal – although to be honest, I would have been worried if he’d said “sure, right away!”, no questions asked – and when I asked why, he answered “my clinical experience – you have 15 reproductive years left in front of you, and I’ve had way too many women come back to me after a year or two wanting their tubal ligations reversed.”
Mind you, this guy was light years away from the other chauvinistic doctors I’ve met in the past. He applauded my decision, offered alternatives (long-term contraception in the form of an IUD, in my case), explained that he and his partner didn’t want children either (and that she had an IUD as well), and said that if I hadn’t changed my mind in a year, or even six months, he’d perform the tubal. And he was telling me that all in all, in his practice anyway, there were more women regretting the operation and wanting it reversed than there were being happy with their decision.
What does this tell me? That childfree women who have thought things through (sometimes over several months or even years) and are firm in their decision are most undermined by those women who choose the procedure on a whim then change their minds.
Men have easier access to vasectomies not just because the procedure is simpler, but mainly because their opinion is respected. Women, on the other hand, not only have to contend with the patronizing double standard (“oh, we know what’s best for you, there there”), but with the bad reputation left behind by other women who change their minds just like that, because it reinforces the stereotype of “they don’t know what they want.”
It’s akin to the situation of legal travellers having a hard time getting tourist visas because too many of their fellow countrymen have overstayed theirs and become illegal immigrants – they’re paying for the sins of others.
Food for thought.
I am fortunate to have a childfree, female gynecologist who would be more then willing to perform a tubal ligation. However, she is not shy with discussing the risks associated with the procedure and how she thinks it is just as much the husband’s responsibility as the wives in ensuring the childfree decision is executed.
At my last visit I mentioned that my husband and I were in the great debate… she thought I was going to discuss the have kids or don’t have kids debate and instead I informed her of the vasectomy vs. tubal vs. another 5 years of IUD. I still have a year to make the decision but it is nice knowing that I can make any decision and have the support of a good doctor. Anyone in Minneapolis who needs the reference, just let me know!
Pendrift – your doctor says that in his practice he’s seen more women regret their tubal decision than be happy with it. Did you ask him how many of these women were mothers? I’d venture to guess most of them, since it’s so hard for a childless woman to even obtain a tubal unless she’s nearly menopausal anyway! Phoena from Happily Childfree did a Rants Journal entry on this subject.
There’s one about how some kid got to have a vasectomy at 19. I just about saw red. I tried to get a tubal ligation at 19. I was told that NO DOCTOR EVER would give me a tubal because I would change my mind. That pissed me off. I had been told all my life by then (all through childhood and teans) that I would change my mind, and I still had not. Even through my 20′s I was told I’d change my mind.
Pendrift hit the nail on the head and I will quote her for emphasis:
She’s right. Women’s opinions aren’t respected. And it is only other women who make all women look bad by changing their mind and getting ‘babies rabies’.
Tubal ligation never appealed to me because of the stories of trauma to the organs and time off work, but then I head about Essure. I am getting the Essure Procedure this coming Monday. The doctor goes into your uteris through the vagina with a small scope and places some coils in the falopian tubes which then block the tubes sterilizing you permanently. It is an in office procedure and they told me I would be in the office only about an hour, local anesthetic and some vicodin. I am childfree 39 years old and my doctor didn’t even ask me a single question, except when I wanted to schedule the procedure. The Essure website is great and it looks like there is no downside to this procedure.
CFSince 6 and Pendrift – Going even further, in addition to “they don’t know what they want” is the underlying inference that “of course she’ll want to have a child, don’t they all?” And because they’ve know “women who change their minds” whom, as CF4Life say,s are most likely women who already have children they see fit to use that as a yardstick for women who have thought through their decision and aren’t doing it on some whim. Beggars belief that they’d rather a women who wanted permanent contraception stay on the pill (despite the risks) or other form of contraception (despite the discomfort). All because they expect the woman to eventually see the “error of her ways” and suddenly want children.
When it comes to this area of the medical profession, our decisions are not respected at all, as has been said, whereas men’s are. Excellent point.
But when it comes to going into debt to HAVE a child, well then, suddenly they fall over themselves to encourage it. Why? Because then women are “fulfilling their prescribed gender role.” I believe it all goes back to “gender norms and expectations – even though they would never admit it.
Every woman is different. So why don’t doctors take each case on it’s own merit? As they probably do in most other situations?
Britgirl, it is amazing how archaic many doctors are who practice “modern medicine.”
I have a wonderful Dr. who knew I didn’t want kids and when I approached him with having a tubal he was more then happy to do it. I have never been happier about my decision. I love not having to worry about birth control or an opps. I feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
Jennifer
Jennifer, that’s EXACTLY how I felt when the doctor came in and told me, “Welp! You’re snipped and burned!” Like a HUGE weight was taken off. A HUGE amount of relief! It was incredible.
I had a tubal at age 24 (BC, CA). It was a Filshie clip procedure; this was the “most reversible”, the doctor told me. I didn’t press it; I was amazed that he would do the procedure.
I really think it was because I had a plan that included answers to the “if you change your mind” question. I don’t blame doctors for asking this, because there have been so many women who have this done and then whine that they can’t have more children.
I told my doctor that I would adopt if I really felt the need for a child in my life, as I thought that the world had too many people already. If I didn’t have the $5000 to reverse the procedure or the money to arrange an adoption, then I couldn’t afford to have a child anyway. His response: “I wish more people thought like you”. Apparently I had lucked out and found an OB/GYN who had a crackwhore on her fifth kid as a patient.
I think it helps to have an answer that addresses the possibility that you will change your mind. This doesn’t mean that you will change your mind, but it makes doctors more comfortable about treating you when they think it isn’t a knee-jerk reaction to another pregnancy scare.
I had an X-ray a couple of months ago for an unrelated issue and there were my clips shining out in the darkness, still protecting me from the worst STD of all…
I had no problem with my OB/GYN when I asked for a tubal. But then again, I was 39 years old, and I was on the last year of my third set of Norplants. There was no question when we were discussion my future options, as the Norplants were no longer available. When I said “what about a tubal?” the answer was “Sure, that’s a good option for you. ” I guess he figured that at my age, after 17 years on Norplants, I knew my mind.
I’ve come to the conclusion that my experience was not the norm.
Hey CFsince6,
I was that kid who got a vasectomy at 19, (sorry I made you see red) I still had to work on my family doctor before he caved in…
…but nowadays in a litigious society where everyone thinks to sue someone like a doctor is like the lucky golden ticket…
the line that finally worked on my doctor was …if you won’t do it, someone else will…
DON’T give up …tell your doctor you sign a liability waiver absolving him…
David,
Thank you for the words of encouragement. I wish I had knonw the line, “If you don’t do it, someone else will.” But at the time, I had no real and regular medical care.
Several years ago I had weight loss surgery and a tubal at the same time. So I have finally been sterilized.
I tell ya, it was such a FREEING feeling that I felt a HUGE weight lift off of me when I woke up in my hospital room and the doctor told me I was “snipped and burned.”
If you don’t really want kids, you can go for vasectomy, not tubal. Because it is less complicated and even if you want kids in future, you can get a vasectomy reversal.
-Martin
I’m hoping you might know a little something about non-surgical sterilization seeing as you’re childfree in Toronto. I’m a Brit in Toronto who originally didn’t plan on having kid’s. I had a surprise and a husband who very much wanted children. He felt more strongly about having children than I felt about not having kid’s. So I kept the pregnancy and things have worked out. We’ve had our third child and husband finally had a vasectomy. I’m not feeling reassured. We’ve had two children while on more than one form of birth control. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells and I want a tubal. But my husband doesn’t want me to go through surgery. That’s why we took him for his vasectomy. I’ve heard of essure and I’m enthusiastic about it. But I’m having trouble finding out if it’s covered in Ontario by OHIP. Would you know? If I have to pay out of pocket, it would be worth the investment. I’d appreciate info. Sorry to barge in on your blog with barely relevant questions.
I Googled “Medical Care for childfree people”, is that a first for you?