Childfree or Childless? Isn’t it a State of Mind?
17 07 2008http://talk.sheknows.com/f86/its-negative-723657/
Which does beg the question… isn’t this a childfree alert? of course it’s because the word “childfree” is used, but it’s so annoying when it say “Google Blog Alert for; Childfree” only to read a bunch of discussions about ivf, devastation because you can’t get pregnant and how it sucks that others take their fertility for granted. I just wish these weren’t in our “childfree” blog alerts. Then I wouldn’t have to read them.
But it’s clear that people don’t really understand what being childfree is all about. They’re now tending to use the term because it sounds better than “childless.” Of course it does. But is the term being incorrectly used? Here’s my view.
“Childfree” is a state of mind and a state of living. It’s a profoundly happy and, grateful and joyful state of mind, in that truly childfree people, if they ever wanted children, do not regret that they don’t or couldn’t have them. Overwhelmingly most childfree people can say quite happily that they don’t have children and don’t want children. They’ve made a choice – and they’re satisfied, despite public criticism.
“At this point I need to figure out what to do next. I’ve looked into adoption before. I’m not exactly sure if I want to go that route, but the alternative is to live “childfree.” I read that in a book, which sounds better than “childless”. Although technically, that is what I would be.”
So, what do you think – is she childfree or childless?
Technorati Tags: childfree, childfree
She’s childless…for now. She could become childfree, but she’s not at the moment.
I completely agree that it’s a state of mind and the term “childfree” has the connotation of happiness and contentment, whereas “childless” has the connotation of sorrow and yearning.
And yes, I’ve got a Google alert on the term childfree, too. Not only do I get the infertility problem posts showing up, but I also get the ones where parents are doing the on-line happy dance because they had a few “childfree” hours while grandma & grandpa watched the kids.
Sigh.
She’s childless. Period.
You’re right in that being childfree is a state of mind. When you’re childfree, you don’t take actions based on the possibility you’ll have kids in the future so you “may as well do it now” before you “settle down.” You take actions because you want to. And you take actions NOW all the while KNOWING that you will not have children in the future.
Two completely different mindsets.
She’s just trying to find a way to console herself and is grasping at straws. I feel nothing for these people. And it’s actually close to “home” in a way. I’ve shared here before that my boyfriend’s sister has been trying to get pregnant. They (her and her husband) have gone to specialists, doctors, etc. I felt nothing for her. I like her. She’s a nice woman and all. And my boyfriend’s family does like me. But I just don’t get this need or desire to want to have children so I can’t feel anything. The only thing I can feel is a relatedness in not being able to get what you want. Because we ALL experience that. But that’s about it.
Childless. Period.
BTW, I scrolled down and read some of the responses. You know what I found most amusing? This woman is posting for support that she has yet, again, not conceived. And there were people there SHOWING OFF THEIR KIDS that they were ABLE to conceive with pictures in their .sigs! Now, is that cruel, or what? I think so. “Awww..honey… I’m so sorry! But HEY, check out MY KID! Isn’t he beeeeyooooteeefullll????” *sadly shakes head* Oh, the irony.
I agree with Emma. She’s/They are childless for now. They still long for a child and cannot have one. At some point in their lives they might become childfree. Some of us are early adopters, some people learn later on that they can have full, amazing lives that do not include bearing children. I certainly hope for her case she enters the happy, fulfilled world of the childfree. It’s a pretty amazing “place.”
CFsince6, I totally was hating on the people who were saying they were sorry for her and their sigs had GIANT pictures of their kids.
I would cry worse if I saw that.
Listen here, I know you are sad you lost your leg, here is a picture of my leg to cheer you up!!!!
Anyways, while I do feel slightly sorry for this person, I think it is weird that people privilege their own genetic children over adopting a child, from someone who took their fertility for granted, and gave it up or mistreated it.
I don’t take my fertility for granted! I actively choose not to use it (if I have it, not sure). If I took it for granted I would just have kids I didn’t want and not bother to care for them properly.
Childless. I’m not a big fan of invitro. If you can’t conceive, I think it’s because there’s probably something wrong with the sperm or the eggs and forcing it is going to put you at high risk for a child who will have something wrong with them. As a heartless childfree person, I think this is a BAD thing.
I eagerly await the day when adoption after failing to conceive naturally is the norm. After all, all of those disadvantaged children born to unsuitable parents as a result of the blocks against birth control and abortion are going to need homes.
“And there were people there SHOWING OFF THEIR KIDS that they were ABLE to conceive with pictures in their .sigs! ”
CFS6 and CFLife - That’s so ironic. And yes, cruel and thoughtless. And maybe even smug. Just reminding her of exactly what she’s missing. Interesting way of showing support.
But guess what would happen should a childfree woman came along and happend to mention she’s childfree by choice and how happy she is! They would all round on her, saying how dare she talk about not wanting babies “when the poor childless woman is trying so hard to conceive.”
So stupid.
Emma - yes that’s the other thing… they think childfree is a run up to the local Starbucks - without the 4 kids!
childfreelife - I too cannot identify with this all-consuming need to have their biological child. Complete waste of time and energy. But if one wanted any more proof that having children is done for selfish reasons, it’s right there. It would just be nice if it didn’t turn up in my childfree alert.Then I wouldn’t even have to read about it. Still, it highlights how people still misunderstand what “childfree” really is. I agree with Explosive… it’s an amazing place to be.
Childfree means don’t have and DON’T WANT children. This woman is definitely childLESS until she finds peace with living without children.
BTW, showing pics of your kids to a woman who is majorly disappointed over her infertility…that’s F-ed up.
Wow, showing kid photos to someone who’s suffered that loss is so obnoxious!
Although I’m not a fan of IVF, I do understand the pull to want so desperately although I also think there’s always the option of adoption, if having a child is such a high priority. This woman is definitely childLESS and not childfree. She could move to childfree but it would take time and a realization that there is more to life than kids. She needs her grieving space. She needs time to see that her life isn’t over, in fact, it could possibly be a new beginning.
Definitely childless.
Ok, besides the obnoxious larger than life photos of their kids which can only add to the pain of this woman’s predicament…. does anyone else find the fact that these women list their “stats” a bit uh…disturbing and tedious? I wonder if many of them feel they have to have children because it the thing to do…one more thing to add to that “list”.
Do they do nothing else with their time?
Yes, I’m being judgemental.
I don’t “get” IVF, either. Extremely expensive, with an extremely low success rate, all because someone thinks THEIR OWN DNA is superior, or because they want the satisfaction of creating those little fingers, little toes, having it grow inside of them otherwise it doesn’t count! (And a lot of these people have the gall to brand us “selfish” for NOT having kids?!)
Parenthood has so little to do with the pregnancy-and-childbirth experience and so much to do with the 20-odd years that follow. I, too, look forward to the day when adopting becomes the norm for dealing with infertility. Spot on, Bravewolf!
Yep, that whole thing with listing the stats was just weird. I was wondering if it was some sort of strange competitive trip, like “I’m trying harder than you”. Bizarre. I agree with CFsinceSix too, in that I just don’t get it. I have no comprehension. When I had a coworker going through this I just didn’t dare open my mouth for fear of saying the wrong thing - I would have liked to be empathic, but I just thought the whole palaver was stupid.
Bravewolf, I thought EXACTLY the same thing the other day when I read that the fundies are rattling their spears again on contraceptive issues. If contraception is outlawed, IVF should be as well, because if women are going to be forced to carry these kids there had better be homes for them to go to.
I’m 47, single and have no kids. I don’t think of myself as “childfree” or “childless.” I never thought I would or wouldn’t have kids- I never met Mr. Right during childbearing years. I would never be a single mom by choice and I also never felt a rush to get married so I could have kids. (i was engaged in my late 20s).
I hate to generalize, but for the sake of this discussion it seems like “childfree” means either you are someone who never wanted kids (man or woman), or you are someone who hasn’t had kids for whatever reason, has accepted that, worked through those feelings, and embraces the life that you have. I love kids and I love the freedom I have to spend time with my friends’ children so I don’t like the whole “childfree” concept as some negative reflection on love for children (like “debtfree”).
Anyway, I think the woman in question is childless and I hope that if she really wants a child, that will happen for her.
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I am so glad I found this site. I Will be 44 next month and am childless.
This is my story-I had a dream of having 6 children, never wanted a career. i just wanted to be the best mom. I went through fertility at the age of 34, my ex-husband wanted to stop because it was not natural. I had many tests, nothing ever confirmed my invertilaty. Nobody really understands the dispair of being childless, unless you have been through it. It is like a progressive desease. As the time passes, and still no child. The symtoms get worse, the depression, the isolation, being an outsider, anger, mourning, and fatigue. I remarried at the age of 37, to a man whom was previously divorce and has three children, in whom he does not see. In hope to adopt, the finances have not been there. Chid support is exspesive. At the age of 39, I had to have a complete hysterectomy, I was loaded with fibroid tummers. That was like death to me. As I lied in the hospital, dealing with unethical hospital staff, I started to cry. One nurse asked what was wrong, I said Nobody asked me how I feel, I said will never had kids. She did not know how to react.
Growing up I had alot of friends, and had a family, that was what life is suppose to be. Now its hard to make friends, when you tell them you dont have kids, they say oh, thats to bad and show no other interest in geeting to know you. I guess that is the old saying, maybe are kids can play together. I come from a family with 30 nieces and nephews, at every family event, its about sharing stories about the kids, I sit on the sideline, and am never noticed. Its not an intentional act from them, they are not publicly aware.
I really believe something chemical happens to us, It is like you wake up and feel like your 50, when you are 44.
My hope is that somebody out there, someone will create groups in different towns for women like us, so we can share feelings, and hang out with people we have something in common with. I hope Drs do more research on these issues, because these are real symptoms. I have finally relized and have accepted I will not have kids, altough untill society is educated on this, the symtoms remain. Lets face it, there is support groups for the alcholics, and other deseases. What about fundraisers to help women without a child, to help make there strong desire to be a mother come true, to help homeless children to find a home. Maybe we are mothers, mothers for God, to help others. We need to figure this out.
DAWNAD: Childlessness is not a disease. However there are plenty of medications to help you with your depression as well as mental therapy in the form of a psychologist. You also have to help yourself by accepting the hand which has been dealt to you, otherwise you will have a terrible time of living the rest of your life in relative happiness.
Acceptance and a change in your fundamental beliefs is what’s needed. You do choose the thoughts you think. Str8Six comment above is a good first step.