Childfree? What Happens to Your Friendships?
25 08 2008Some time ago a reader wrote to me about one aspect of being childfree that I’m sure affects most of us who’ve taken the road less traveled. And that is the sea-change that happens as former friends join the ranks of parents (and by default, societal acceptability) leaving you, the childfree person “on the outside.”
Even when you try to maintain friendships it can be hard. Suddenly the talk is about babies, children, parenting. Whether the conversation is about “how wonderful motherhood is – and you should have a baby” or “how hard it all is – I’m constantly tired,” the result is the same. Your interests are no longer common and your paths have diverged forever. Even if the childed friend wants to do things with you, the demands of parenting will always come first
This can be quite serious for the childfree person. From having friends you grew up with or went to school with, suddenly you have to try and find new childfree friendships, which in most cases can be difficult. Friendships are formed for many different reasons, but one thing that’s always there is a kind of chemistry. While joining social groups for childfree people are one way to meet like-minded people, it doesn’t guarantee the same chemistry.
Or does it?
I am fortunate in that my closest friends are also childfree. We don’t get to see each other as much as we’d like, but that’s because they live in England and I’m in Canada. But when we do get together there’s no having to ask about any kid questions. I’ve also made friends with people who either already have older children (and don’t talk about them incessantly) and other people who are childfree through No Kidding. And I do believe the pressure of having to find childfree friends is less for those who are married to, or in a partnership with another childfree person. At least, it is for me.
Of recent a good friend who was also a colleague had a baby. Since I never bring up kid questions they never came up. But now I find myself almost obliged to ask about the baby, how she’s doing etc, etc. Some might say, well if you care about her you’d care about her new life as a mother which means you’d be interested in her baby. The fact is, it’s hard for me to show any interest in babies… I’m simply not interested, certainly not in the way I’m expected to be. Because we don’t see each that often, it’s not the same as if it were a very close friend.. but still, it got me thinking. I know that friendship has changed for ever.
And of course the greatest number of childfree friends I have are online. They’re the people who “get it” and who really share their childfree lives – particularly on this blog.
What about you? Have you had to find new friendships when former friends go off to have kids? Or has it never been an issue? If you’ve made new friendships how did you do it? What advice (if any) do you have for other childfree people?
As always, share your views here.
Categories : Childfree
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