OMG I thought I was the only one who felt this way! My sister gave up an extremely promising career in medical research, and a PhD, because she was pregnant with her second child. She now teaches, on a non-permanent basis, at the local primary school. Her entire life revolves around her kids. We talk no more than five times a year — her birthday, my birthday, her two kids’ birthdays (if she’s not too busy) and Christmas. She is my only sibling and I feel like I have lost her. And although I would never say this to her, or to anyone in our family, I think it is such a waste of a brain. Please note that I think teachers are some of the most important people on this planet –we’ve all come a long way thanks to teachers! What I mean is, she wasn’t meant to be a teacher; she wanted to be (and WAS) a medical researcher. This is what she always wanted, and loved, and worked so hard at. But now her career in science is shot to bits.

I also know a very talented potter who had to give it up and sell all her stuff because of the demands of motherhood. And I know a Rhodes Scholar with two kids under two years of age — she spends her day changing nappies. All these women love their kids and couldn’t imagine life without them. And I feel churlish for thinking “it’s a shame”… but I do.

it’s worse with my parents…recently they said to a young father “can you show my son your blueprints for that little guy?” and points at the baby. but it takes two.

it’s worse with my parents…recently they said to a young father “can you show my son your blueprints for that little guy?” and points at the baby. but it takes two.

My wife and I have been married for nine childfree years, and we have certainly experienced the friend thing. I still like (most of) my friends with kids, but it is certainly a challenge to maintain the relationship. I try not to judge, but rather enter their world for a few hours. It is a smallish price to pay for those folks who I can’t let drop out of my life completely.

If I think back on the ones I no longer see, I realize that I did not have that much deep stuff in common with them in the first place.

On a related note, Christine and I were at dinner last night with two other childfree (so far) couples, and we spent a lot (I am sure, too much) time talking about our dogs.

When it comes down to it, a bore is a bore – kids or not.

Thanks for sharing so much,
Ken

“In the case of those I considered smart and sensible women with good brains, I felt a twang of disappointment each time I happened to see one of them for the first time with a big pregnant belly. Am I the only one to feel that way or is is a common CF reaction?”

I too get that sad feeling in my gut when I see someone smart and who has stuff going for them get pregnant. It is sad to see that “she” (this interesting, fun person with things to contribute to the world) will disappear and be replaced by the zombie body double “Mommy”. “She” will also no longer exist as a friend or woman, and “Mommy” is rarely someone you want to know and hang out with.

Guiltily, I sometimes wonder why bother getting educated and having a career, if after becoming body double Mommy all a women will get to do is sing “Row Row Row Your Boat”. I could do that at 4, why bother going to graduate school and working your butt off to disappear as a person once you give birth?

I know that above statement sets back feminism and women’s equality a few decades, but I think that CF people who read this posts will know what I mean. Obviously it would be horrible if only the dumb ones bred, and we have all seen the results of that as well.

I currently live overseas in a regional country area of Australia, and man it is hard to find someone to hang out with who is CF or at least respects your right to be. It is especially hard for someone from a cosmopolitan, multicultural city to hang out with people whose eyes glaze over if you talk about anything other than what little Kylie or Heath are doing. After a while, talking to colleagues at work or people you meet in the street gets exhausting, so you tend to seek out people who have travelled or are international themselves who may at least have some interests in common.

So, the above remarks I made were in reference to a colleague who is also from overseas who I thought would be a good friend, but since she is now pregnant I think will probably disappear slowly but surely out of my life. So sad, she is so smart and interesting.

I think that secretely they envy their childfree friends, but cannot admit it to anybody, that’s why they immediately change subject when you talk about the romantic holiday you had with your boyfriend or husband, the marathon you ran in London, the new book you read (they had to stop reading except for children books), the film you watched (their last movie was a Disney one!) the new bar/club/restaurant that opened around the corner and you recommend and they will never check out.

On the friendship topic:

My best friend of 18 years (and I’m 31 so that counts ) had known since she was a kid that she wouldn’t want children. But a couple of years ago, around the time she hit 30 I think, she started feeling on the fence. That led to serious problems with her BF because at the time they got together some 10 years ago he was not CF but over the years she had convinced him of not having kids and now he’s much more CF than her! When she confessed that to me it came as quite a shock, because I egoistically thought it would be a huge loss for me if she actually got pregnant and had kids. I know she doesn’t take the pill anymore for health reasons, and honestly it makes me nervous. Of course this is something I could never talk about anywhere else than a CF blog/board! She’s a teacher so I hope all the bratty kids in her class will refrain her from having one of her own ))

My best male friend is in his early 40′s, has never been married or had kids and although we never directly talked about being CF I know he wouldn’t want a kid to mess up his lifestyle. His problem is that at his age he either meets women who are too young for him, and will eventually want to breed, or divorced women with kids of varying ages… and that means women who don’t really have time to invest in a relationship.

About women becoming “Mommy of So & So”: it makes me shiver everytime a new woman joins the women’s group in my church and when she is asked to tell something about herself it will invariably be “My name is x, I’m married and mother of 2/3/4 kids”. It makes me want to say “Ok that’s nice but I still don’t know anything about you?”. Of course I don’t because I’m the only non-mom and in the meantime all my otherwise dear friends will be cooing and asking the ages and names of the kids. Ack.

Now to one of my even darker secrets…
In the last couple of years I’ve seen plenty of women my age getting pregnant (no surprise here). Some of them were not friends but just girls I knew from school, we’d just say hi when passing each other on the street. In the case of those I considered smart and sensible women with good brains, I felt a twang of disappointment each time I happened to see one of them for the first time with a big pregnant belly. Am I the only one to feel that way or is is a common CF reaction?

We can take control and form new friendships. It’s harder the older you get, but it’s better than being at the whim of people we no longer have anything in common with.

We can join existing Childfree social groups, Like No Kidding or, if we’d rather not, set up our own Childfree social groups via Meet up and similar with the aim of meeting Childfree people with different interests.

This in addition to however else we meet new people.
Keep sharing your thoughts, rants and ideas on this… it’s such a pertinent topic that I feel we almost can’t say enough about it.

So the way I dealt with this is…I formed a childfree social group in my area via Meetup.com and it’s been great. We have monthly get-togethers and it’s great to hang with people who have lots of interests, none of which are childrearing. My hope is that over time, some of these people will become close friends to replace the ones we’ve lost to children.

Nowadays, when I meet a new acquaintance and find out they have kids I know we aren’t going to be friends for long – if at all we are real friends in the first place. And if they’ve been friends the chances of the friendship dying or fundamentally changing are very high because I just have no interest in the travails of parenting. At least I now know what to expect.

“I think as you get older, it’s hard to find someone on the same page you are – even with similar interests. ”
Str8Six – Totally agree.

I think as you get older, it’s hard to find someone on the same page you are – even with similar interests. Friends with kids? I’ve lost every one of them! They just disappear. Probably for the best anyhow.

I’m about to turn 30 myself, and know that for the next 10 years or so, most people my age will have baby rabies or be parents of small, needy children.
I wonder how hard it will be to find people to hang out with.

At the moment I only have two childed friends: one with a 4-year old boy and new baby boy, and an awesome new friend who is now 4-months pregnant. I am wary of making friends with parents. Childed people and childfree people generally don’t make good friends for one another. The childed can’t be spontaneous like the childfree, so it’s all about them when it comes to making plans. And chances of them bailing at the last minute due to kid stuff are always very good.

Even my friends with children have remarked on the pressure to procreate, and told me of some of the remarks that were made at their weddings, which they found embarrasing, intrusive and extremely presumptuous. As one friend commented, “I have a baby now, but what if I’d never wanted one? What if I wasn’t able to have one and felt miserable about it? What if I’d lost one and that person asked? Why the hell do people feel it is their business to comment?”

Got to say, I’m looking forward to heading back to my lovely childfree, cat-friendly home at the end of this holiday. I think the problem with children is not so much with the children, but the parents. By making the children the absolute centre of their world, they’re actually doing them no favours. Kids have to learn that they can’t always get their own way, and that screaming and wailing for reasons other than being terribly ill and in pain just don’t wash. Parents who give up their lives and spend their whole existence pandering to their little Emperor’s needs raise little tyrants. I’m certainly not going to let some pesky 3-year old tell me what do do, it amazes me that parents actually do this. Personally, I can’t wait until my ovaries finally run out of steam.