It was clearly a joke and you’re clearly not heartless. She’s just feeling bitter and sad and hurt, she’ll move on with time.

One day, maybe, but right now I’m pondering on my career and home, that’s plenty enough to occupy my mind and resources!

I have three sisters, all have children, I get on great with one of them in particular, her husband’s an admirable man, generous, thoughtful, kind and strong and I love my nephews dearly but I see my sister and her husband’s life and know it’s not for me.

She is my half-sister really and I didn’t meet her until I was about thirteen, at the time she and her husband were poor, very poor, he was a student, she was a nurse and they lived in a tiny two up, two down terraced house which they rented. What struck me most though was how in love they were, they lived for each other, they were affectionate and tactile. I remember looking at them and thinking ‘one day that’s exactly what I want’.

Fast forward nearly twenty years and her husband is a very successful career oriented man, he works exceptionally hard for all that he has, often working away and always working at least seventy hours a week. My sister doesn’t work but stays in their beautiful house that’s situated in beautiful rolling countryside. Financially they want for nothing, they fly first class on their numerous holidays and both drive cars that are worth around £50,000 each. Surely, this would be the life that any mother would want? It seems not, my sister wishes her husband was home more, she wishes her kids could appreciate all they have, she wishes she could have another identity from ‘mum’ and go out and work. They’re great parents, their kids are great boys but are they weary and dissatisfied a lot of the time? Yep! Would they change it? No, but that’s their choice and they are amongst the few really good parents I see these days. Occassionally they’re reminded of where their relationship came from.

I was speaking to my sister on the phone yesterday and she was talking about how she and her husband, for the first time in years, had managed to go shopping together without the kids. He’d taken her clothes shopping and they’d had the time to really enjoy being together. She told me that she felt for the first time in ten years as she had when their relationship began; “like a princess”. She got the same feeling as she did when she was seventeen and he’d taken her to the market and bought her clothes, lucky, priviledged and loved. She said that had the kids been there it’d have been really stressful, they’d have been getting bored and acting up and as a result, she and her husband would’ve been stressed out and probably curtailed the trip early with an argument. If there’s no bigger proof that children change relationships massively and stop couples really enjoying each other then I haven’t heard it!

Also, I’ve realised that there’s a place for me here – I’ve offered to look after her kids for her for the occassional weekend so she and her husband can go away and really enjoy being together. I get on great with the boys, they love me, we have fun together but would I want to parent full time? Looking at what it does to couples, not in a million years!

Thanks again, coming to this site and reading the comments and stories really gives me strength to know that I’m not alone and I’m not ‘weird’ for remaining childfree… Now, if you happen to know any gorgeous, determinedly child free single women between 25 and 30… ; )

It seems bizarre that I can meet someone who is right for me in every way, except in this one HUGE way. How can we feel so similarly about everything else yet so differently about this?!

It’s also strange that people think because we don’t want kids, there’s no point in having any of that other stuff. My boyfriend said “but don’t you want to share your life with someone, have a loving relationship and a nice house and be happy?”

Well of course I do! And to me, all of those things require the absence of children.

I’m glad I am childfree and I know I will never regret being childfree, but I really hope it doesn’t mean choosing a lonely life. If it comes to it, I’d rather be alone than with a husband and children, but I’m hoping I can have the best of both worlds!

Best of luck, and especially well done for being strong and making the right decision. There are so few real men left in the world, that when one like you comes along and shows such respect, love and strength, it’s a really refreshing reminder that they are out there!

For me, I’ve chosen to lose out but then, there was never any alternative, it was lose the life of freedom, mutual benefit and love that I wanted and have kids or lose the girl I love. I know several men who have chosen to not have kids and without fail, we’re all single, all relatively successful, decent, honest young(ish) men and yet none of us can find a like minded partner to share our lives, dreams and aspirations. I know men who’ve gone into parenthood without thinking it over and their lives appear to be so full of drudgery and missed opportunity, they love their kids but they don’t seem to have much else to live for and they have phenomenal workloads. I have other friends who were ‘oopsed’, they love their kids but maintain that they could’ve waited and seem to resent their partners for being conned into the life they now have. Sure there are women on the internet who share my views but as far as I can tell, none who live near me and even fewer who aren’t already in committed relationships (lucky men, their partners). Some of my colleagues have tried to bingo me into it but I only need to look at their weary resignation to realise that it’s not the right life for me. They said that I should ‘be a man’ and ‘grow up’ but the way I see it, a real man has the courage of his convictions and doesn’t allow himself to be blackmailed into situations that he can’t change and didn’t want.

I never really envisaged having kids but I always envisaged having a loving partner, someone to treat and be treated by. Now it seems unlikely to ever happen I find myself becoming weary and resigned too. Oh well, at least my weary resignation won’t rub off on any children as it would’ve if I’d had them. I only wish that my girlfriend and I had been as compatable on the kid issue as we were on everything else, she’s one in a million and I envy the man who does marry her and actually wants children. Sadly, not wanting children is not something I chose, I just don’t want them at all, the older I get, the less and less I want them too. I’m good with kids but always prefer it when I can give them back to their parents and get on with my life, having one 24/7 just fills me with dread and the children who I live next door to me remind me daily that I’m making the right choice when they scream constantly and I can hear their parents shouting at each other because of the stress of it all.

It’s a lonely existence, this childfree business but if loneliness is the price to pay for freedom then I’ll have to get used to being lonely and make the most of my freedom to enjoy the things I love. Thankyou, Britgirl, for starting this site and giving people like me a forum. Despite what the parents say, we’re all human, all capable of being hurt and all capable of loving too.

Part of me thinks that I can show him websites like this one and say “look at all the evidence of how RIGHT my decision is”, but the truth is, none of these reasons are the real reason I don’t want kids. The real reason I don’t want them is that I don’t want them. There is nothing logical about it, it just isn’t in me. So it isn’t fair of me to expect him to change something that he feels. Sadly it’s just going to have to end, when we are both ready to move on.

My response when people tell me I’ll change my mind about not having kids when I meet the right man is that it’s like saying to a lesbian “you’ll turn straight when you meet the right man”. Er, no, the right man is a woman, that’s the whole point!

I have a friend who was almost “oops”d. He had made it clear from the beginning of the relationship, and the beginning of the marriage, that he did not want kids. He did not want any, and as an artist and a writer, their income was pathetically low and nowhere near what would be needed for a kid. But, a year after they married, the wife got insistent about having a kid. He said maybe some day, 5 years down the line he would consider it. No, she wanted one NOW, she said. She had baby rabies, bad. Eventually, he stopped having sex with her because she had gone off birth control and he was worried about her poking holes in the condoms. Thankfully his friends (myself included) helped him to come to the decision to get a divorce. It sucked, as it meant him having to go back to his home country (he was from Iceland), but it was better than having a kid he didn’t want!

I think it’s human nature to back off when someone is coming on strong about something you yourself are cool about.
I can only think of big lavish weddings as an analogy. I have never (quite) understood girls who come on really strong about getting engaged and then having weddings – huge, seemingly stupendous affairs – that take over a year to organise, complete with matching color coordinated napkins and bridesmaid shoes and….canapes..(funny things I always think) and a marquis complete with brass band stuff. Neither do I find what seems (to me) a HEADACHE, particularly romantic. I would rather have (and did have), in a heart beat, something…simple… like Carrie and Big’s wedding from the SATC movie, but obviously without the much more complicated baby chat before the very simple wedding (silly me)
Also, I have seen time and time again guys backing off each time the girl is expecting him to propose – the sheer pressure is well…difficult to take on perhaps.I KNOW, or at least feel, the pressure I put on my husband to want to have a second child has left him frozen on the fence – forever. So I am partly to blame.
But now, I’m thinking that I need to make a decision about what to do for the best, because sticking with a guy who isn’t interested in having a baby is making me SAD – ENUUF!!!
I also see CF couples and I see how close they appear to be. My mother told me she thought that on average couples who don’t have kids get on better. Do you think that’s true? I sometimes wish I didn’t care about having another baby and I could be like that. I love my husband hugely but so do I love (and did love) having a baby.
A crappy web I have spun for myself there! Jeez. I need a drink

“I fail to understand how anyone could be in a relationship for any length of time and not realize that the other person doesn’t want kids. Surely I’m not the only one that thinks whether or not to have children is a pertinent topic in any relationship?”
ARK – Can’t really add anything to that. I am still amazed by the number of people who either “don’t know” or “know but plan to make the other change their mind…” I know of a couple who are getting married. He doesn’t want kids, (he’s told my husband) and she does, or at least will. But he’s not going to bring up the subject in case it spells the end of the relationship. Instead, he’s busy “convincing himself” that” kids would be ok, really…” What’s the chance he is going to end up a father? I’d say pretty good. But I’ve no sympathy because he’s refused to address the issue. Pretty sure she knows how he feels… she won’t bring it up either.
Sister Dino – Sorry for the kid.

I’m seeing a similar situation with some of my friends right now, only in reverse: They had both wanted children when they got married, but now she’s on the fence, and they seem to be putting it off. “Oh, we’ll ‘start a family’ (I hate that expression) when we move and get settled”, or “We’ll have kids when we find out about his job” (he’s a teacher), etc. Which is all fine, except that I know he wants kids, never mind that he’s a total d!ck. But she’s just not sure anymore I don’t think. She’s 30 and he’ll be 30 very soon. I guess only time will tell. I hope they don’t have kids. I have other friends I think will be great parents, but I’m not even sure these two are going to stay together with just the TWO of them involved. I can see them becoming the “maybe having a child will fix the marriage” couple. Sad.

It appalls me to no end that anyone would jump into a relationship- let alone marriage- without knowing how their partner feel about having children!

Your e-mails have helped. I had an unplanned child with my boyfriend 8 years ago. He told me he didn’t want a child, but as I said that I did want to keep the baby, he ‘stuck by me’ though he made it clear he was absolutely terrified. Of course, it was both our ‘fault; i got pregant in the first place. Gotta admit though, when the baby was born, fairly predictably I thought she was adorable and equally predictably my husband, though dutiful, thought she was fairly intolerable (the crying, sleepless nights, constant need for attention etc) for at least the first—-three years) Fast forward 8 years – sure he is an excellent dad – but my point is he doesn’t want any more. I guess I do. I ended up with a guy who though is a great dad is not a kiddie person. He prefers rock climbing, surfing etc.
I have done bunny boiler things to get pregnant including swallowing his sperm and spitting it out into a pipette and putting it up—-there. So that makes me – crazy I guess. Then i thought if No 2 was created that way how would I break it to my husband that I’d basically regurgitated our second child out of my mouth and well—-
Wanting a child is a nightmare. The only thing that stops me wanting another baby is doing lots of karate and realizing – quite shockingly – that somehow my daughter turned out well, despite having at time, a crazy breeder troll (though actually I am rather pretty) as a mother.