Modern Marriage Risks Amplified by Children
One of my readers sent me this very thought provoking article. As soon as I read it I knew I wanted to re-blog it. After reading this, not for the first time was I glad that birth control makes the childfree choice a very real option.
It’s also a very interesting time to be blogging on this topic too… with the financial turmoil of the past few weeks I have found myself relieved that we don’t have children. Not only is the financial pressure going to be felt more keenly if you have, or are just going to have, children, you can be sure that generations are going to be consigned to being taxed almost into oblivion with the legacy being left them. There has to be a pay-back. Workers are going to be paying it… for years.
But back to the article. As the author says in the intro:
“… current U.S. Census data indicates that 49% of [these] marriages will end in divorce. And, according to Solangel Maldonado’s Beyond Economic Fatherhood: Encouraging Divorced Fathers to Parent, at least half of divorces pitch minor children into the fray, and thrust parents unsuspectingly into single parenthood.
Fifty percent is pretty significant in the casinos, and in life, but no one seems to be talking about the risks of becoming a single parent, and the grave economic and other challenges single mothers often face. With stats like this, it may be more appropriate to say “good luck with that” instead of congratulations when someone gets pregnant.”
Emphasis mine. As a childfree person, saying “good luck with that” when someone gets pregnant may indeed come to be more appropriate than “congratulations. I realise I’ve thought that for a while but have never actually seen it in print. And I’ve never had the courage to actually say it.
It goes without saying that I recommend you read the article and comment on it. One of the aspects that immediately jumped out at me was this:
The pressure to have children once married starts very early on. And it’s intense, to the extent that if you don’t produce children within, say, a year or two, the questions begin. The pressure is on to perpetuate the myth of happily-ever-after-happy-families.
Yet NO ONE talks about the fact that having children often puts strain on a marriage. And that strain often results in divorce.
And no-one talks about the very real possibility of single parenthood and whether the woman is equipped to manage (and stay financially solvent) as a single mother. Often the answer is no. It’s a risk for both men and women, however, as the article says, women still bear the brunt because 80% of children of divorce parents live with their mother. It impacts the woman’s ability to work, to earn and to progress in her career, and increases the risk that she’ll have to resort to low paid jobs or government help. All of which push women and their children closer to the poverty line.
Why does this issue not come up often enough? It would at least get women thinking about the risks of having children. Instead we get the endless mantra that you must have children to have a happy marriage, with no mention of the potentially devastating outcomes when you add children to a marriage. Even a stable one.
For myself, I believe that childfree couples do think about this question more than most. I know that it was a big consideration for me when we discussed the having children factor. I could see the stresses and strains in my colleagues and friends’ lives and I didn’t want that. I also knew there was at least a potential risk to our marriage (financial and otherwise) if we did decide to add kids to the mix and in my book it simply wasn’t worth it for me.
Head on over and read Modern Marriage Risks Amplified by Children. Comment there or here. I have only commented on one aspect but there are a raft of other very well made points, which I might well return to later. I’d be very interested in your thoughts.
Thanks Unscripted Life for sending me the link!
Technorati Tags: childfree
{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow. Thanks for posting this article! Another great reason to be childfree. That and we get to sleep in on the weekends! LOL!
I hope to read the article you posted after work, but the part you mention about current financial difficulties made me think of an article I saw on The Telegraph yesterday.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/financetopics/financialcrisis/3187954/Financial-crisis-is-sparking-baby-boom.html
Upon reading it, I couldn’t believe that some people would honestly think that way – how would this be a good time to have a kid? It just shows how little consideration some people put into this process.
Dorian Gray, some people just think ANY time is a good time to have kids.
My mom, for example. Last week, as the financial world was tumbling down, she made a remark about “how exciting it must be to be born in a time like this”. Excuse me?
Because kids are the future, the hope, the challenge making it worth getting up in the morning, and when everything goes wrong at least you have them to make the world seem bright, yada yada yada.
Sorry for the half rant, I’m really having a hard time these days with my mom, she’s in full “wannabe granny” mode, like some robots are in killer mode, you know?
Havent been around for a while. Tried a periode away to see if less focus on the CF issue would make any change…
The more you get under the skin of a parent you will see the worries, exhaustion and longin of a second chance. In these financial times it makes a little extra sense to not be a parent. Of course most parents also love their children very much.
I have come to the conclusion that I like children and also can spend time with them while same time feeling happy…but like so many other clever CF have said before me…it is bless to give them back when the day is over…!
I heard an interesting comment today from a parent I met. She said todays generation was the “dealers” generation. She ment that you cannot achieve anything with the youngsters without first discussing the terms with them.
Britgirl, the “How Could He Not Want to Have Children?” Caught my attention. It was painfully well written..:)
Have a nice week!
My wife and I certainly weighed the financial and other emotional costs of having children when we decided to be childfree. But that stinks, doesn’t it?
I wish there were enough supports in place so that people would choose to have or not have kids, not to avoid stress, but to gain a good life – however defined.
It is unfortunate that our culture automates us to have kids. It would be just as wrong to automate our thinking so we do not have kids – as a savings plan or a way to keep things calm.
Some of my best choices have been risky and stressful. Being childfree is no walk in the park, nor is fine living ever cheap. But, all things considered, childfree is right for us. But it is still risky and stressful.
Here’s to thinking it all the way through. The post you shared is certainly part of the puzzle.
Thanks.
I have a friend who just gave birth to her first egg donor baby at the age of 48. Prior to having this child her husband and father of new baby who is ten years younger left her three times over the course of a decade. Two years ago he finally married her for a green card after announcing that he was “stuck” with her because he could not afford an apartment on his own. The idea that these two decided that their relationship was stable enough to withstand the stresses of parenthood boggles my mind. Not to mention that they are not well off financially and borrowed money for in vitro and an egg donor.
I worry for the welfare of the child as well as my friend who earns very little as an inner city school teacher. I don’t trust that her “husband” is committed to her and I feel that the idea of being a proud papa is not going to change that. I don’t think she thought at all about what would happen if he has another epiphany and decides he doesn’t want to be “stuck” with her or their child and leaves her alone to raise an infant to adulthood as she closes in on 50.
It boggles my mind how cavalier some people are about parenting and how little thought they give to how it will impact their primary relationship or how their already shaky primary relationship will impact a growing child.
Like the author, my Mother also used to “wish children on me, like they were a curse or a punishment” when we fought. It struck me as a strange thing to say when I was teenager. I get it now.
Ken – actually I don’t think that stinks at all. I think that’s what people should do, only most childed people do not. Or if they do, they convince themselves that “they’ll manage.” And I actually think that having kids is a lot more stressful (and risky) than not having them… both are decisions that require thought. There are many of us on this blog who are not married but speaking from my own experience my husband and I have no stress in our marriage. We work at that, but I know that if we’d followed the crowd and had kids, things would be stressful, especially now. i like to think of my marriage as an oasis of peace and tranquility. We don’t miss not having kids, that’s for sure.
What I would suggest is that the intrusiveness and pressure from society to pro-create whatever the circumstances can bring unnecessary stress on a couple but honestly i think that if couples are in agreement with each other on not having children, they can stand united and tell people to butt out. If the two people aren’t in complete agreement on being childfree… then there’s a problem and they both have to work on what that problem is.
Having children isn’t an automatic… it’s just that, until now, most people never question it. They have children simply because they can (and because they want to).
Good luck with the new blog
Lee – that relationship is over before it even began. He’ll be off. But maybe she only wants a kid? Because it seems pretty clear that he’s not “reliable husband” material – not by a long shot – yet she married him. Have to stay I don’t know which is more stupid… having a kid at 48 or believing this guy has her interests at heart. I’m sorry for the kid. S/he’ll have a 48 yr old single mother. It deserves a lot better.
Lurker – welcome back! Hmm the dealers generation. I can believe that. Just another reason I’m glad not to have kids. If i was a parent, there would be no dealing, and no negotiation.
Dorian Gray… what can I say? A good time to have a kid? They must indeed be cluless. But there’ll be an awful lot of broken relationships when the reality kicks in. Thanks for sharing the article.
B_conrad.. anyone having kids now is going to have a tough time, unless they have a trust fund stashed somewhere. But I’m sure that won’t stop them because they tell me “it’ll all work out” Yet I’m hearing of people struggling. It always amuses me to see how people have kids to make “themselves” feel better. And we’re supposed to be the selfish ones! A good friend of mine who has an 18 month baby has been forced to give up a very lucrative job a few months ago – because all her money was going to paying the childminder, leaving her with… well, not much. her husband earns a very good salary but also works very long hours. She’s one of the few who actually wants to go back to work… it’s impractical right now. And she’s well aware that every week out of the job market counts against her and make it harder to get back in. i think she will be able to get back in myself, but still things are far from easy.
On another note I see many more comments on some UK sites from people saying that they are holding off having children because the math shows they can’t afford it. Even though these are not the norm it’s good to see that some are considering before jumping.
Often hear comments about how people had kids 80 years ago and still managed to get ends meet. Is it possible that the CF are excaggerating? I think not and that the financial side of having kids is strong enough argument on its own.
Even if I could have the financial stability to have children right now, the “shock”-change to my life that children gives would be brutal.
Hi Britgirl,
Love your blog! My husband and I are childfree by choice and am constantly being bombarded by the “when?” or “why not?” questions by my childed friends so reading your posts and the posts of other smart, savvy and childfree people always bolsters me until the next inappropriate inquisition!
I’ve been a lurking for a while and felt compelled to post after reading the article about the effect of children on marriage. I’ve seen quite a few women get pregnant to try to cement a relationship when it usually has the opposite effect.
I had a couple of additional thoughts about my friend’s situation. I agree that her husband is already gone and I really don’t know what she was thinking, though the child as relationship cement theory could apply here. He is biologically more the father’s child than hers since they used an egg donor. However, I’ve not registered loyalty as a defining aspect of “dad’s” character. When she announced her pregnancy, I almost choked on my drink. She had never ever wanted children and when I had mentioned that I wanted to get an English bulldog her comment was, “but they slobber and they need a lot of love and attention.” Uh, I think the same applies to children. She never told me that they were attempting to get pregnant. Perhaps because she didn’t want me to question the situation given the history of the couple.
I apologize for this bit being off-topic but her age is also very worrying. Having been born to a mother who was 43 years old, I can say that I do not agree with the trend of women over forty pursuing science enabled motherhood. The majority of people simply do not have the same energy in their mid to late forties as someone who is in their twenties or thirties. While the news is rife with stories of celebs over 40 having twins, the reality is those kids will be raised by nannies and the parents have significant financial resources.
My friend will be almost 70 years old when her son graduates from college, assuming he can afford to attend. An only child, he’ll be starting out in the world with the additional challenge of figuring out how he’ll care for his elderly mother.
I just got married last month. I wondered if we’d suddenly get lots of bingos once the knot was tied, but so far that has not come to fruition.
That evening at dinner my mom told me my 6-year-old niece had asked her, “now that auntie and uncle are married, are they going to have a baby?” My mum just said, “I don’t know” in a rather cautious tone. Then she said, “I would love that, of course, but it’s YOUR decision. I learned my lesson when I pressured my other daughter that way!”
That really surprised me. I do remember her having grandbaby rabies, but my sister always wanted children anyway. Now her husband was much more reluctant, and guess what happened to their marriage very shortly after the baby was born? Even though my ex bro-in-law was immature and did some pretty damn stupid things, in retrospect I can only judge him so harshly. And he has done right by his daughter, at least.
So I guess I’m reaping the benefit of lessons learned by mistakes made with my sister. That’s unfortunate for her, but I’ve gotta hand it to my mom – she’s a very wise woman!
I am Child Free at 40 and thanking every baby-less year. This economic climate is the very worst time to be considering children.
Children are not a guarantee that you will be cared for in your old age. The child, like my sister, could die before you become old. Or your child will need care his or herself for the rest of life.
I think people who want kids manage, financially (unless the desire struck them in their late age and they need a huge amount of fertility treatments) and people who don’t want kids can use the financial argument to explain the decision. Kids are not something to have as a financial planning tool or as a fiscal account. They will never repay what you’ve invested financially. No one needs to mathematically justify their choices. It’s silly.
How do you reconcile the notion that having children presents a risk to one’s marriage when statistics show (even acknowledged by one poster on a childfree board) that marriages without children are more likely to end in divorce? Of course this doesn’t mean couples should have children to “save” or even strengthen their marriage.
Emilia – where are these statistics? (One poster on a childfree board does not a statistic make).
Here are some (sorry for the length!):
(Russia)www.demogr.mpg.de/papers/working/wp-2007-025.pdf
(China)
http://www.demographic-research.org/Volumes/Vol7/11/7-11.pdf
(Norway)
paa2007.princeton.edu/download.aspx?submissionId=70418
(Ethiopia)
journals.cambridge.org/production/action/cjoGetFulltext?fulltextid=53068
(Canada)
http://www.statcan.ca/english/freepub/11-008-XIE/2006001/main_death.htm
(Here is a quote from the article: Having children significantly reduces the predicted risk of first marriage failure: it is 73% lower than that for married partners without children, after controlling for all other variables in the model. This finding bolsters the fact that, although children can put a strain on the adult relationship, marriage dissolution is actually less likely to occur among couples with than without children, an observation which is true across most societies and cultures.)
Infertility in Shanghai: prevalence, treatment seeking and impact.Che Y, Cleland J.
Shanghai Institute of Planned Parenthood Research, Shanghai, China.
To assess the level of treatment seeking and impact on marriage of infertility among newly married couples of Shanghai, China, a total of 7872 newly married couples, enrolled between 1987 and 1988, were followed-up for 5 years. The prevalence of infertility (no fertile conception after 24 months of unprotected intercourse) was found to be 5.1%. Couples’ age at marriage, education, prior induced abortion, miscarriage, use of IUD or hormonal contraceptives and medical problems of both partners were associated significantly with infertility. About 57% of infertile couples sought infertility treatment and subsequently had a higher probability of childbirth (42%) than non-seekers (28%). Husband’s education, induced abortion and both partner’s previous medical problems were associated significantly with infertility treatment seeking. Moreover, infertile couples were 2.2 times more likely to divorce than their counterparts (95% CI 1.52-3.18). We conclude that infertility in Shanghai is modest, but a substantial number of infertile couples would not like to seek infertility treatment. Further research is needed on this subject.
For childfree (or “voluntarily childless”) marriages:
The connection between fertility and marriage is becoming more tenuous yet men’s involvement with children is largely determined and shaped by their involvement with women. In this paper I examine the influence of fertility intentions on union formation and dissolution. Married men who intend to have children are significantly less likely than those who do not intend to have children to divorce or separate. This suggests that intending to have a child does have an important effect on men’s decision to remain married. These men want (and to some extent need) a stable relationship in which to have their children and then to raise them. Among the married, there is some evidence that the child-marriage link is more important for men than women.
In which I “out” Emilia:
—
Below are Emilia’s posts from the blog, “Game Theorist”, from 17 April 2008. The last sentence of her last post is particularly illuminating. In general there is a temporal trend, from “reasonable-seeming” to “angry screed”, which we may well see replicated in her comments here.
Link:
http://gametheorist.blogspot.com/2008/04/children-yada-yada-yada-happiness.html
———————————————————–
Anonymous said…
When it comes to whether parents or the childfree are happier, anyone can find a study that suits his or her philosophy. For example, the Colchester study seems to find that at least for men, children make them less satisfied. On the other hand, a study last year in the American Journal of Public Health found parents to have fewer psychological problems than non-parents. One consistent difference is that people with children are less likely than those without them to commit suicide.
Regarding divorce and children, studies in almost every society find that childless couples are more likely to divorce. Of course this is not a reason to have a child to save a cracking marriage -something that in the end is unfair to the child.
I’d love to see Mary Benin’s original study and find out what it really said.
8:22 AM
Anonymous said…
Actually, I looked at the original Colchester study (and even contacted the author) and found that in no place did it say that childless men were happier than those with children – but nor were they less happy. The report said the presence of children did not increase men’s life satisfaction, but nor did it decrease it. As for the statement “women only enjoy motherhood once their offspring are packed off to school” (which does occupy a substantial time period of women’s lives), nowhere does the report state that women with children of any age are more unhappy with those without them.
I think the childfree propagandists are trying to mold this study to suit their own agenda.
Note: even if the report were to unambiguously state that parents were happier than childless people, that’s not a reason for a depressed person to reproduce as a way to bring happiness to their lives.
Emilia again
1:57 PM
Anonymous said…
Here is a study the childfree propagandists might want to consider:
Mental health and quality of life after genetic testing for Huntington disease: a long-term effect study in Germany.Licklederer C, Wolff G, Barth J.
Department of Rehabilitation Psychology, University of Freiburg, Freiburg, Germany.
Predictive genetic testing for Huntington disease (HD) might cause severe short-term psychological reactions in patients with poor mental health. Very few studies exist on the long-term effects of genetic HD testing. The aim of this study was to assess mental health and quality of life in persons who were tested for HD mutation, to compare mental health depending on the result of the genetic test (non-carriers, gene carriers, and patients with HD) and to identify predictors of mental health and quality of life via linear regression. The data were collected by self-report questionnaires. In total, 121 individuals participated in this study: 52 were non-carriers, 54 were gene carriers, and 15 were gene carriers suffering from HD. Non-carriers and gene carriers showed better mental health and quality of life than HD-patients but did not differ from each other. In non-carriers four variables predicted increased depression and low mental quality of life: low perceived social support, no intimate relationship, female sex and younger age. For gene carriers three predictors were found: low perceived social support, the expectation of an unfavorable genetic test result before the testing procedure and being childless. To prevent detrimental effects of HD testing on mental health and mental quality of life, specific attention should be paid to persons with limited social networks during genetic counseling. Assessment of expectations related to the test result and mental health prior to a genetic testing procedure may help to identify gene carriers at risk of poor coping after an unfavorable test result. Copyright 2008 Wiley-Liss, Inc.
I have a creeping feeling that the organized childfree movement is a bit of a cult in how they ignore or distort scientific findings.
Emilia
——
@Liz – Can’t thank you enough for this. My gut feeling was telling me something was not quite right about this poster. I just couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Since her comment (and incidentally the stats she quotes) have little do do with the article, I suspected some kind of baiting… dare I say even trolling intent.
You have zeroed in and saved me and others a lot of wasted time. For that you have my heartfelt thanks!
@emilia – I am going to leave you to your “creeping feelings” about the “childfree cult” the “childfree propagandists” and your off-topic comments. I pleasantly invite you to move along now, and not waste time on this blog, because you’re not going to be allowed to stir it here. Goodbye!
No, I’ve realized I can’t reason with true believers!
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
Hi Britgirl -
You’re welcome. I had written a carefully reasoned response before I stumbled on the above… oh well.
Could you please delete her email address from the above post?
I did not see it in there before. It won’t help matters if people send her unkind messages!
@Liz – I was doing the same. So glad you did stumble on it because it I suspect it wouldn’t have made any difference and would have wasted our time. I’ve deleted her email from the post.
I know this is an older post, but came across another article about how parenting affects marriage, so thought I would share. The comments are pretty revealing too.
Ooh, the moms are mad!
http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/01/29/mad-at-dad/?hp&apage=3#comments