Read on and find out. I spotted this article today in my Google Alert:
When Friends Have Babies. It was also talked about here.
Back in August on Like It Is we discussed the issue of how friendships change for the childfree when friends start to have children in this post: Childfree? What Happens to your friendships?
The Guardian article I thought was well written. But right from the beginning something bugged me about it. It wasn’t the content, per se. It was the constant reference to the writer as “childless.” Now, I am quite sure that’s how she sees herself. But look at the introduction to the article…
“Kamin Mohammadi, who is in her late 30s, is single and childless.”
Is it me or does it set the tone? In her late 30s. Single. Childless. Something missing. Something incomplete? Throughout the article she refers to herself as “childless” and even mentions “us childless people” when referring, I presume, to those of us who’ve decided to ignore society’s strident imperative to re-produce.
Well, I don’t see myself as a childless person. I am not “less” anything. Single people are not “less” anything.
I see myself as whole and complete, my marriage as whole and complete and I’m happy with our choice not to have children, despite the obvious pressure to conform to having them and the constant societal references that children are a needed addition to plug what’s missing in someone else. I see myself as Childfree. And I think that how you see yourself is more important than how others see you. In fact, how you see yourself determines how others see you.
We know, of course, that friendships change when friends have children. Childfree people feel the brunt of these changes, because it’s not easy to replace friendships that have been replaced by parenting. It’s hard to meet other childfree people (though not impossible) And let’s face it, parenting is all-absorbing. You don’t have to be one to know that.
Kamin Mohammadi makes some interesting points. However, when she says:
“As a childless woman, I have often resented the implication from parents that my life is not somehow quite as valuable as theirs now they have discovered the Greatest Love of All and are engaged in doing The Most Important Job in the World.“
… she might want to look at how she’s referring to herself….as childless. Her life is just as valuable. But her words aren’t helping convey that.
Words convey a wealth of meaning. And to me, the word “childless” doesn’t convey happiness, contentment, self-assuredness or fulfillment. Which is one of the many reasons I never use it to refer to myself or other men and women who’ve decided they don’t want or need kids. “Childless” conveys the exact opposite.
So perhaps, if she wants to educate her friends that her life is equally contented and complete, Kamin Mohammadi needs to watch how she’s describing herself. I completely get where’s she means in her article, yet even to me, a childfree person, the constant reference to “childless” made me wonder.
People love to call us “childless.” They are very comfortable with it. To them it confirms we’re “incomplete without babies.” That’s why they think we’re fair game for them to “evangelise.” They lose no time in telling us “what we’re missing.”
What do you think? Have a read of the article and share your thoughts.
Technorati Tags: childfree, Childfree, Childfree
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
That was a pretty good article. There is certainly a world of difference between being ‘childfree’ and ‘childless.’ I really understand what she is trying to say, but I also think that some of her “friends” don’t get it partly because she chooses to use ‘childless’ instead of ‘childfree.’
“In fact, how you see yourself determines how others see you.” I whole heartedly agree with you on this point! It is just amazing how changing one’s self perception will most certainly influence how others perceive you too. When you see yourself as being free from the worries, hassles, etc. of parenthood, you at once seem not to be lacking in anything!
It seems to me, most people who have children can’t bear to imagine their lives any other way and can’t imagine anyone being happy and complete unless they, too, have a passel of kids. It’s as if they are so steadfast in their insistence that childedness is the only way to go, that they have to diminish and berate anyone who dares to find joy along another path.
To finish a word with -less is generally an assumption that something is lacking, I agree. Penniless, heartless, friendless, classless… And certainly for those folks who are so seemingly positive in their bliss at being with child, we are missing something. They can’t comprehend that we see it as a positive thing. There are some –less descriptors that are positive as well: ageless, smell-less, blameless, drip-less, noblesse… Child-free does seem more cheerful and positive than child-less, and that is probably why many people embrace that word, but it may not always be a slight. Maybe it’s all in the intent of the user more than the word itself. We must also keep in mind our audience, though, and the majority of people who hear –less equate it with sad, missing, lonely, cat-having shrew. I don’t, but that’s because I understand that were is more than one path to happiness.
As for the bit about friends and their babies… I do have friends with children, and I find myself talking about my nieces and nephews a lot because no conversation with them seems complete unless it involves their children. Even people meeting for the first time inevitably fall into the easy conversation about their kids, because no matter who they are otherwise, they have that in common and can share and bond on that level. As I get older, I seem to have fewer and fewer friends, because even the first who are only trying for children or planning on having them soon begin to bore me. I don’t have a lot in common with someone who wants to uproot their entire life in order to have a societal expectation, and I certainly don’t have anything in common with someone whose life revolves around their poorly behaved children. I am simply not interested.
I can say, though, that I am happier and more and more confident and comfortable and secure and by far healthier than the majority of my friends who have children. I don’t feel that I’m lacking any essential life experience. I just feel sorry for them that they are so pressured and brainwashed by their family, friends, spouses and culture that they feel into the child trap, not realizing the benefits and pleasures of being free.
Our thoughts are constrained by the options language gives us. If we keep using “childfree” – promote it – people’s thoughts and attitudes will change.
We need to stretch its meaning, expand the connotations. Just like the poets stretched the word “Love” in so many (twisted) directions.
Childfree is anyway a more descriptive word.
And as always its those we might call brainless who emphasize most the distinction of us happy people lacking something.
I agree with your assessment that the use of childfree changes the tone of the essay invoking a feeling that the writer is missing something in her life. While on the surface childfree and childless do mean the same thing, the connotation is completely different. I think it is important to make the distinction not just to promote living without children as a viable “lifestyle” choice, but also to be sensitive to those who are truly childless. Do those struggling with infertility (either medically or via relationship issues) want to be lumped in with the same people who embrace a life without offspring? By using the same terminology for the “childfree by choice” and the “childfree by circumstance” you are setting both groups up for uncomfortable conversations and misunderstandings. Lauren pointed out that many people when starting a conversation ask about kids, an easy topic for most. What if a woman struggling with infertility answered “I’m childless” and the person asking replied; “good for you making that decision, parenting is tough work and it’s not for everyone.” Promoting the difference between childless and childfree creates an important distinction and creates two adjectives that better describe the person they are assigned to.
If we really need to put distinctions on ourself and others, I prefer childFREE.
But wether you have children or not is a private matter. I think its more important to work for people to respect both choices instead of handing out labels.
“the most extreme being a friend who would not accept the possibility of my being left happily childless and promised to come after me with a turkey baster and sperm if I turn 40 in my present condition”
Oh my, this is just sick, even as a joke. Is a friend really a friend when they so completely disregard the way you have chosen to live your life? I would feel offended, and angry.
(SwissBarb, formerly bconrad_0101:-) )
I will give the author the benefit of the doubt in that maybe, just MAYBE, she may not be aware of the differences in connotations between “childfree” and “childless.”
It may just be that we, the childFREE need to help her understand the difference so she can be empowered in her choice of words.
RE: the article. Good article. The only problem I have with the article is this line:
Again, this implies that the parents’ time is more important. No, they don’t get to be the ones to “set the tone” of the relationship. We’re always talking about being in partnerships – and that includes friendships. There is a give and take between both, the parent, and the childfree friend of the parent.
I am in this situation with a woman that I wish we could be friends – spend more time together. She just had her second child. She can set the tone all she wants, but I’m doing my own “tone setting” so to speak. I’ll invite her, but to be honest, I don’t expect her to come to things I’ve invited her to. However, the mere fact that I have extended the invitation shows her that I am still extending my life to her and she has the option to take it or leave it.
There are others still that I have decided to just simply leave by the way side. I’m part of the relationship too, and I most certainly DO get a say!
If the author resents the fact that parents act as if our lives are not as important because we don’t have children (and I completely agree and relate to that – I get the same feeling from other childed people around me) then she needs to step up and say that she gets a say in the relationship, she too can set the tone, not just the parents.
Hi all, I’m a bit late in posting as I’ve been away from my computer for a couple of weeks, but I thought this article was interesting and Britgirl’s take on it. The bit that stood out to me was what CFSinceSix had above, “How the parent responds to this can be a key factor in determining the shape the friendship will take post-baby, and I am afraid it is very much the parent that sets the tone – after all, they are the ones whose lives, interests and priorities have suddenly changed”. I was really interested in your take of it CFSinceSix as I hadnt thought of it that way when reading it.
My interpretation of that quote is that it is up to the mother to make the effort at keeping the friendship. By that I mean that childfree people always seem to make the effort at keeping friendships going. And I use the word “mother” because generally the father’s life tends to stay the same as it usually seems to be the mother who is the primary caregiver. I hope I’m not offending anybody with my generalisations but that’s how it has been in my experience. Mothers need to make the effort at their friendships and they generally are martyrs who think they are indispensible. It amazes me how many of my past “friends” refused to even leave their baby/child/children with the father so they could meet me for a cup of coffee for a couple of hours. Needless to say, these mothers aren’t my friends anymore. When I would point out that I was only asking for a couple of hours of their time, the response be something alone the lines, “But you can’t possibly understand what it’s like you don’t have children”. WTF?!?!!
I also agree with the comments about the author of the article describing herself as “childess”. The word has such a negative connotation doesn’t it. To me “Childfree” indicates exactly that – we are free of the burdens of parenthood and are free to do exactly what we like and do it when we want
CF Aussie: “To me “Childfree” indicates exactly that – we are free of the burdens of parenthood and are free to do exactly what we like and do it when we want”…Exactly…sweet music to my ears..!!:)
One comment though…A couple of my former close friends became parents a few years ago. One of them is waiting his second child these days. Both of friends used to be active people in many ways and always being present when friends gathered. One of them I almost never hear from, except when I contact him…but even then a message to his phone is responded only briefly and there is little room for joking around. The other one told another friend of mine that he had no chance to meet up for å talk. He had studies, work and when not occupied with this the children took all his time. He said that the unchilded friend and him were living two totally different lifes.
I agree that women in most cases are the number one caretaker in a family. But I dont think any parent go untouched through parenthood when it comes to sacrifice of its own FREEDOM.
I think there is another interesting point. And that is how much the parents want to do it all when they first get a chance to step out of their daily routine.
Happy weekend!
Childfree Aussie:
You know, I hadn’t thought about it that way. I guess I’m so used to seeing people automatically giving parents decision making power and defaulting to what parents want, that that is how I took the statement.
I like your interpretation. I agree. And infact, there is a woman, a mother of 2, that I have always tried to make an effort to stay friends. So even though I ask her out, I pretty much expect she won’t go. It’s just a way to let her know that I still want her in my life – but I know she won’t be there.
I like how you took it though: that since it is the parents’ lives (and I agree, mom’s usually changes while dad’s stays virtually the same) changed, it is now THEIR responsibility to keep the relationship going.
Thank you for your post because I can totally relate to that in one of my relationships in life right now.
I think it’s D’s turn now to start making an effort to keep our relationship.