I was thinking of all the fuss over the Motrin Ad. All those Mommies getting their knickers in a twist and so offended because someone dares to poke fun at some of the myths of motherhood. Taking to the blogs, to Twitter and mobilizing every offended mommy to complain in righteous indignation about, as someone has rightly said on this blog, things that arise from their own CHOICES.
Not that complaining isn’t their right.. but with at least two very young children brutally tortured and murdered in the last few weeks, the economic crisis the the world is currently facing it’s really hard to imagine these women have a clue. I didn’t detect any outraged blogging frenzy about any of the above though. Strange. Or not.
I was pleased to see most normal ( read non-feministing) blogs seemed to think the Motrin mommies came off looking petulant and whiny. The fact is the world has more important things to worry about.
It got me thinking though. I find people who are childfree are never in my face. In fact, unless you asked a person their “reproductive status” aka “so, do you have kids?” you would never know who was childfree. You get the chance to talk to them as individuals – until they make sure they bring in their kids. I never ask the “do you have children?” question when I meet someone for the first time. I invariably hope that my not asking the kiddie question will prevent the same question being directed at me. No such luck. Business or social settings people can’t seem to help themselves. They feel they have to ask. And then they proceed to tell me how hard it is bringing up kids! But how it’s so worthwhile…who said I cared?
So, OK, they ask. But instead of taking my “No, I don’t” as the reason to shut up and change the subject they either decide they need to find out why (following up with things like “oh, didn’t you want them then?” “or why not?” or why, don’t you like kids?”). And let’s not forget the “you don’t know what you’re missing, it’s so worth it!”
The other reaction of course is that conversation stops dead… as if without children to talk about it’s not worth bothering.
But, as we’ve seen in the Motrin tea-cup storm, when it comes to mommyism, it’s seemingly OK to get offended.
I don’t get in people’s faces announcing I’m chilfree. I feel that whether or not a person has kids is generally irrelevant to the conversation.
It’s rude and disrespectful when the childed see fit to not only question the childfree person’s choice, but try and convert them – then and there – over to their way of thinking. What happened to respecting others’ choices?
I’m thinking the next time I’m asked the kiddie question my response will be: No. I don’t have kids. And, if the questioning goes further, simply say “it’s not up for discussion.”
At least I know I’m not the only one who has to put up with it….
Share your thoughts for stopping the “kiddie questions” in their tracks. I plan on compiling a list of them, because we really do need to be prepared for the inevitable inquisition into why we haven’t produced off-spring.
Technorati Tags: childfree
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
Ha Ha…I’ve got a good response!
Eveytime someone asks me if I have kids, I emphatically reply “Oh HELL no..that would be a fate worse than death”. And then I grin. And smile.
And know what?? They are the ones that change the topic…not me. On the rare times when they keep droning on and on and ask if I ever thought I would change my mind, my response has always been ‘I knew when I was 8 years old that I didn’t want kids and even tho I got pg several times (once due to rape and 2x due to bcp failure) I knew that no way in hell did I want to have kids’.
And that pretty much shuts them up
How about, “Let me think, do I have kids… No I don’t seem to remember ever having kids, but I’ll double-check when I get home”. I also find the old “No need to concern yourself” with a smile, works pretty well if they ask the usual rude questions about won’t I be lonely, sorry, suicidal, uncared for when old and infirm, etc.
I remember reading somewhere that not having children requires a greater creative bent and more imagination than having children because for so many child care becomes the daily imperative. Perhaps those with children can’t imagine what we all do with our time. Or perhaps because all they do is take care of children they have nothing else to talk about and so plague the rest of us with their tedious conversation starters.
Brit-girl, I am reading a book by one of your countrymen, Julian Barnes, who is also child-free by choice, which I had not known prior to picking up his latest. He says he chose free will over biological determinism. That could work as a crisp come-back as well and leave them muttering and/or weeping into their diaper bags.
About a year ago at a party I was asked by some ignorant oaf “So, when are you going to get pregnant then?” I was very taken aback. Shocked in fact, as I truly thought people had more tact than that. I replied and said that I had no intention of ever having children. He then came back with “But you’d make a great mother!”. This guy doesn’t even know my first name, he just knew that I been married for almost a year. I told him that having children would be the biggest waste of not only my time or my life, but also my intelligence as I have so much more to give than glibly following society.
He shut up after that, but I did feel a twinge of guilt for perhaps being slightly nasty. That’s a response that seems to fell most people. I’ll keep using it for as long as it does! That said, I’ve had many a failing conversation over how there is much more to life than having children, and it always appears that few people can realise or understand that. Sometimes I despair
I’m young, so most people don’t give me the question yet. Although I have had some of the teenage mothers and those in their early twenties, both married and single, in my area telling me they pity me and that I’ll be old and alone some day. Mostly I just smile and walk away, but sometimes I tell them what I think, which is that, since they’ve closed so many doors in their lives with their choice, they can say what they like about consigning themselves to lifelong poverty, welfare whoredom and denying their children so many opportunities in life. It won’t affect me except it’s annoying that my taxes will be subsidising their lives.
But I have had people (not my parents, praise god) asking me how many children I want, and talking about WHEN, not IF, I get married and have children. I simply tell them I’m childfree, politely, because I know that it’s important that those surrounding me see that the breeders are the rude assholes. Most are at least polite about it, but if they say I’m too young to know, I point out that I wouldn’t be too young in their eyes to know if I wanted them. Apart from a few spluttered “Yeah, but, but…that’s different”, most people shut up after that.
Has anyone ever noticed that you’ll never be old enough to know what you want if what you want is different from what society tells you? On the other hand, you’ll never be too young to know what you want, if what you want is what society approves of. That’s why a thirty year old woman asking for a sterilisation will be told she’ll change her mind, but a four year old girl playing with her dolls and saying she wants to be a mammy when she grows up will be indulged.
Sorry, this is really long.
My husband gets this more than I do, because he used to work in a service industry where he was called to people’s houses every day and they invariably asked the kid question, and sometimes got in his face when he said we aren’t having any. Everyone we’re with regularly is pretty clear on the matter, but whenever we meet someone new who feels they HAVE to ask, I simply say, “No, we’re not having kids. We’re not interested in them.” If they press it, I tell them I could go get my list of reasons (I think I’m up to number 138) why I do not want children, and I rattle off a few that come to mind. Usually, if we continue talking about anything at all, they’ll eventually slip up and say something that makes me reply, “See?? That’s why we don’t have kids!”
Maybe I’m too confrontational, but I really don’t mind when people are offended by my useless womb. I know that, for the most part, they are just threatened by the idea that anyone could possibly be happy outside of society’s conventional roles. And I know that, deep down, they are all wishing they had made the same decision we did.
What gets me are the parents who take the position of ” You don’t want kids, fine, but there’s no need to be constantly advertising how you’re childfree or that you don’t want any. Nobody cares”.
Well, we can all testify to the fact that plenty of people, most of them complete strangers, do seem to care. A lot. To an unhealthy degree even. They also don’t turn that question inward and ask why parents need to advertise to the world that their kid is an honor roll student or that their kids and their money go to Penn State, as if anyone else really cares about that. They aren’t privy to all of the times we have been bullied or cornered because, as parents, no one has ever done that to them so they cannot relate to where the defensiveness comes from.
I had some bint demanding to know at a wedding (we were sitting at the same table and I never met her before) why I didn’t want kids and she wanted to convert me. I was polite but firm. Had I not been at a wedding, I would have torn her a new one. Next time, I’ll ask them to justify why they have kids.
I think, especially to losers with teenagers, a great answer to “Aren’t you afraid you’ll be lonely and alone when you’re old?” an excellent reply is “Aren’t YOU aftraid you’ll be lonely and alone when you’re old? I’m ready and prepared for my old age.”
I actually had someone comment on my blog that professing one’s childfree status was a “taunt.” I asked him how it could be a taunt, but he never responded to that question. It seems to me that it would only be a taunt if someone who was not childfree regretted his/her decision and wished s/he had made the childfree decision, as well. I don’t think you can taunt someone with something s/he doesn’t want or doesn’t miss having. Can you?
If people I don’t know/know well ask if we have kids, I say “YEP!” and whip out the pictures of my cats and start telling stories. It usually scares them away.
Also, I’ve always been, hrm, shall we say “fluffy”, so whenever someone eyes my tummy and says something like “Oh, does someone have a bun in the oven?” I just reply, “Nope, I’m just fat, thanks for reminding me.” They usually get embarrassed and leave or change the subject.
Mira:
Isn’t it amazing how the subject of childbearing (or lack thereof) is an area where some people don’t think there’s any question too personal to ask? They might shy away from talk of politics, religion, or money, but your sexual activity and the results of said activity are fair game for questioning and criticism!
Personally, I really don’t care who is pregnant, how many kids they have, etc…it just isn’t usually pertinent to any conversation I might have with them!
Since this thread deals with people’s reactions to childfreedom, I thought I’d share a little list of typical “bingoes” I get from people:
“But isn’t your time running out?” (I’m 38, my wife is 40)
“Oh, there are a lot of people older than you who are having kids!”
“Kids give you something to look forward to at the end of a hard day.”
“It’s just what normal people do — everyone else does it and enjoys it.”
“Don’t you want a son to play sports with, and go to his games, etc. etc.?”
“Your family name will die out!” (I’m an only child.)
“Once you held your new baby, all your objections would go away!”
“It’s all worth it when they hug you and tell you they love you.”
“I/my sister/brother/friend/whoever didn’t want kids either at first, but now I/they have them and love being a parent!”
There’s probably more, I’m sure, if I thought longer and harder about it.
Britgirl, I think you kept a list of these bingoes, didn’t you? If so, feel free to add any of these that apply! 
Clueless person: Why don’t you want kids?
Me: Oh, I’d rather have dogs. You can leave them at home for hours alone, you can train them not to whine and when they’re teenagers, they die. *sweet smile*
Since i am sometimes asked about my opinion in matters concerning children, I usually go with the “cowards” solution when I say: “I do not have kids by myself….(and here comes the best part)…at least not yet…”.
There is maybe not much respect in such reply, but I never follow up the topic even if I sometimes get a bingo or two.
Earlier on I also even “admitted” becomming a little tired of all the personal time I got since I have no children…and that its not unlikely I would myself fall into the parent-trap one day.
If people wants to believe the “crap” I serve them so fine with me. Because up to now I am still going strong since the snip nearly 4,5 years ago.
Just as note. I truely do not mind children in the right doses and also interact well with many parented people. But I also like to cook sometimes without planning to become the chef.
Great post Britgirl, same with comments!
Here’s an icky, passive-aggressive bingo I get from Mom regularly: “Well, I’ve always known you don’t want a family. At least…. not the special kind.” (Hubby and I have four cats.)
And one of her favorites is “But most women want children…” Ha. She should have learned a long time ago that the “most people” argument has no effect on me whatsoever, still she repeats it incessantly as though she were a parrot.
“Kids give you something to look forward to at the end of a hard day.”
Yeah, five hours of screaming, tantrums and bullshit. Give me two cats and a bottle of wine instead, thx!
I’m tempted these days to say, “God, no, I’m afraid the dog would eat it. He gets into everything we don’t safely put away.”
There are some wonderful comments here. I especially liked this from Irishgirl: “Has anyone ever noticed that you’ll never be old enough to know what you want if what you want is different from what society tells you?” Man, that is so true! I’m in my mid 40s and I still get people responding as if I don’t know what I want. Usually when I get the kid question, I answer “God, no!” very emphatically and with great relief. It pretty much shocks them into shutting up. If not, I can go on with “why would I want to do that?” and look at them like they’re crazy.
Bravewolf, your comment totally cracked me up! “You can leave them at home for hours alone, you can train them not to whine and when they’re teenagers, they die. *sweet smile*”
I may just have to steal that one!
I’ve been thinking about the following response (after being married for 3 years now): “Oh, what you mean, with him? Oh no, I’m still waiting for the right guy!”
I absolutely HATE it when people tell me that I should have a child because once you have it you’ll fall in love with it and all that. THAT is not the point! No child should be brought into this life as an experiment. What if you still don’t want one? You probably do love the kid, but there will be times that you will shout in his face that “Why on EARTH did I have you in the first place?! I never wanted kids!” No child should ever hear those words, and people who do WANT to have kids say a lot of nasty things to their kids, imagine what one of us would say if we just decided to “give it a go”? I love my children too much to have them.
@RMS: I was in a conversation just today and predictable the woman asked me “Do you have kids?” She had already got her pics ready to show me. “No”, I said, and changed the subject immediately. I could visibly feel the temperature drop a couple of degrees, but I carried on my conversation as if I didn’t notice. And I didn’t care. Sweet!
Sebastyne, I’ve had people try and bingo me with, “But, what if you find the right guy?” Or “You just need to find the right guy. Then you’ll want children.”
I’ve always come back with, “The RIGHT GUY won’t want children, like me.”
That always stumped them.
BTW, my mom pissed me off the other day. I won’t go into the whole conversation, but after YEARS of not bringing it up she mentioned that she thought that maybe I might want kids.
I had just had surgery in my neck so this came out as a whimper, but I know that I YELLED, “WHAT?!?” She sort of laughed and I said, “My not wanting children is not up for discussion. You’ve known I don’t want kids my whole life.” This, inspite of the fact that she was in the room when my weight loss surgeon told me that that surgery went fine and I was “snipped and burned” because I had had a tubal ligation at the same time. This was about 7 years ago. She has conveniently forgotten that conversation.
She then said, get this, your head will explode because mine nearly did, “Well, I know you don’t want kids but I thought that maybe you might want kids.”
huh?
I ended the phone call right there.