The search for a life partner is just harder for childfree people. If you have found your Childfree life partner it’s one of the things for which you can be grateful. I know I am, especially since my husband and I actually met online.
A conversation with a friend some months ago got me thinking about a blog article. My friend and I were having lunch one day and she asked me… “why is it so hard to find a childfree man? I mean it’s REALLY hard!” She had been considering dating a guy and, from what she said, it would be a big mistake.
Turns out that, even though she had explicitly and firmly said “no kids” in her profile, it turned out although he said he understood and “didn’t have any kids” he later revealed he has kids from past relationships. That’s more than one.
Immediate alarm bells started going off for my friend, but there was worse to come. He apparently thought she wasn’t serious when she said she wasn’t interested in kids. And he also couldn’t seem to understand why she wouldn’t cook, watch his kids on the weekend (if things got serious) and “take care” of them and him. Wasn’t that love?
By now, my jaw had dropped. I alternated between astonished laughter and disbelief…was this person for real?
Apparently he was. And he saw nothing wrong with his “expectations.”
I commiserated with my friend, and we both agreed that it was a no-go, and she should run as far as possible from that “potential relationship”. However she wondered if she should just settle for someone who might have kids but are not living with him or are older.
I said that was a bad idea. For all sorts of reasons.
However, there is a very real issue here – how difficult it is for childfree people to meet other childfree people. Men tell me all the women they meet can’t wait to “settle down and have kids”, and get a house in the ‘burbs as soon as possible…” Baby Rabies is barely hidden.
Or they have children from past relationships and seem to think “childfree” means “I want some kids to look after.” They are simply looking for a “Baby Daddy”. My husband met several women like that before we met. They were nice, but the thought of being step-father was not.
(And yes, he did state clearly he did not want children).
The childfree women tell me all the men they meet either don’t believe them when they state “I do not want children” or say they do (while they secretly don’t) and try to convert the women from the “error of their ways.” Or, they meet men who can’t wait to have children… because they’ve suddenly realized they need to “prove” their manhood by having a child, or they want a mini-them.
And, as in my friends example, increasingly the are meeting men with baggage, only too willing for a Baby mama to help carry the load. Childfree, in their understand seems to mean “free” to take on kids… his.
I also came across an article on The Childfree Life, illustrating just this scenario and an interesting discussion which ensued in the forum. Among the issues were when the man says the kids are
“out of his life”
“grown up and living somewhere else” or
“only around for short periods or weekends”
All of which don’t make for childfree bliss, but do make for situations likely to put the childfree person a distinctive 2nd or third. Children are never completely out of your life.
On top of that there’s the question (see the article) of when to drop the childfree bombshell. If you’re a childfree woman you need to have the checklist of questions ready. The earlier they are asked, the better, before things get too serious. In fact, within the first few dates if no “warning signs” haven’t popped up. After all, if the person is wrong, why waste time with them? Best to move on – and quickly and look for Mr Right – who does NOT want kids.
I have to say I never had to jump through these hoops. Looking back, I think I was fortunate. When we were dating my husband was very sure he didn’t want kids, and he said so. I was the one who was hesitant – because I’d never really given the issue a lot of thought – other than “someday I’d probably have kids. I didn’t really want them when I considered the question properly.
Given the number of truly childfree men and women out there – and I mean childfree in the real sense of the word – I wonder why more of us don’t meet. Do we need childfree only dating sites? Would it work? Why? Why not? What do you think?
I didn’t have any satisfactory answers to my friend’s question, except to say I know the childfree men are out there, and to hang in there and not settle. I can understand her frustration though.
The dating maze is much harder if you’re childfree looking for another childfree person as a life partner. In fact it’s an entirely different ball game.
All thoughts, as always are welcome. I’d love to give my friend some more encouragement.
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{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }
I don’t see why being really explicit about what you want in a family shouldn’t go directly into an online profile. I mean, it’s a profile. Its purpose is to eliminate people from the selection pool. To people who have kids or who might want them later, reading “I don’t have children, don’t want children, and don’t want to be a step-parent” might come across as hostile, but it’s going to stand out to someone who also feels the same way. When I was single, if there had been a childfree online matchmaking system, I’d have signed up.
I do think that some people might think that they are childfree while they’re young and then change their minds. That’s a risk you take with anyone–someone who claims to not have a deeply spiritual side might turn to religion later in life, too, and leave a partner wondering what happened to the person they married. And people do lie online. Sometimes I think they’re trying out different personalities in a way they don’t have to take responsibility for in daily life. So while I think anyone who is sure they don’t want a child has an extra hurdle when it comes to finding a partner, I also want to give your friend hope.
I say that childfree people should have the conversation about children sooner rather than later. (At the same time, I think people who can’t wait to procreate should save that particular kind of desperation for a second date.) Even at something like a coffee date. It can be a big relief to know that someone feels the same way as you do about such an important thing. And since she’s been burned, I think she shouldn’t have a problem asking someone she’s interested in more particular questions, like if they’ve got kids anywhere from a previous relationship. If the guy says yes, she can draw a line through his name on her list with a big sigh of relief. If he’s really childfree, she can offer her recent disappointing experience and he’ll commiserate.
I don’t think that a childfree-only service would necessarily make a lot of money, but I do think that it might make great matches. It would be interesting to see, ten years down the line, how much happier its success stories are. I’ve only got my own experience and those of a few friends to go on, but the childfree people in my life have great marriages and they know themselves really well. If your friend is reading this, I wish her well, and I hope things work out for her. It is SO unbelievably worth it.
ETA: I hope she let that guy have it. For him to lecture her about her choices in life was inappropriate and just bad manners.
I wish I had “discovered” my true childfree self earlier. It would have saved me a great deal of pain and trouble that I am currently experiencing. My marriage– to a man with one child from a previous marriage– is crumbling in large part because my stepson (he’s almost 13) moved in with us full-time in June. I went from having him around 4 days a month to 24/7 and barely ever a break. It’s been…horrible. Of course there are other issues at play in the breakdown of my relationship (almost 8 years together, 4.5 married), but I discovered much too late that I fucking hate full-time parenting of a kid that’s not even mine. It sucks worse than anyone can ever imagine.
When my then-boyfriend and I first got together I didn’t even know the word “childfree” existed. If I HAD known– and known what it meant for me to embrace that identity– chances are very good I never would have gotten together with my DH. I could have saved myself a shit load of trouble, eh? Believe me, I have spent LOADS of time dwelling on this. If only I’d learned what being childfree meant sooner. If only I’d held out and found a childfree man. Oh, if only.
Once this nightmare is over and I have had time to heal and process, IF I ever decide to enter the dating pool again (and that’s a big IF) my unconditional dealbreaker will be ABSOLUTELY NO KIDS. No person I would ever consider dating will have any kids or want any kids. I’m 35 now so any man with half a brain shouldn’t be asking that question (though thanks to a good diet, exercise, and of course, no kids– of my own, anyway– I look a lot younger).
I would strongly, STRONGLY advise any committed or even halfhearted childfree person to never compromise their standards and identity for anyone, especially someone with baggage in the form of kids. In fact I would say, “Run screaming in the other direction.” I wish I had.
Live and learn, I suppose.
I chose to find my own partner on e-harmony online for much the same reasons. I didn’t know what child-free was at the time either and I also wasn’t sure I absolutely did not want kids. I did know other things I did and did not want. Filling out my profile and being able to choose matches based on if they smoked (no-go), had less education than I (deal-breaker) or drank excessively (not-happening) was a large draw for me. There was a question though on child-wanting or having. I chose to put down “unsure” or something similiar as my response to that. Turned out I found another “unsure” guy who I get along wonderfully with! Fast forward to 2 years into our relationship, I am not at all abashed to say I don’t want kids at all but my “unsure” partner has been less firm about his decision. I might be an oxymoron…or just a moron…but I am a very maternal person. I love to coddle and teach and spent 3 years as a nanny full time with three kids ages 6-14 and loved it! Being maternal though does not mean I want to nurture my own offspring 24/7 BUT this man I am with if he did decide he wanted one kid and could settle for just one, I would have it. I have told him that, we are open about our choices and while I know I’d be happier childfree, I would be heartbroken without him. Now, after pointing out many useful and nice things about not having kids, his fence-sitting has started leaning toward my side of thought. The other night, one of our 2 six month old puppies completely and utterly destroyed my most precious christmas gifts – an 18th century manual on First Aid to the Injured. He had been in another room while the death of my century old book occured. I got home from work and he was beside himself. Naturally I cried and was angry at why he hadn’t been watching them. I (shamefully) berated him for being negligent and likend the puppies to toddlers and you have to watch them constantly – which is true! (they just grow up faster and you can crate them when their bad). I later apologized for making it all his fault but what he said to me today made me so happy. He said he had thought about what I had said about children needing watched constantly and how just a minute the puppies were alone there was trouble. He said if that is how it is but longer with a kid, he couldn’t see himself wanting one at all. I assured him that a child would be worse as they’re under deathwatch up until they leave the house. He agreed that he does like to do what he likes to do in peace and quiet and not having to worry about anything else…like puppy responsibility. I am so proud of my thoughtful and forward thinking man – he’s a childfree person at heart and it’s coming out. I’m sad for the destruction of my book but glad that my partner has been put to thinking about all the other sacrifices that would have to be made to bring up a child. I am happy with my childfree choice and I think he’s going to realize he is too.
My DH and I met on a dating site too. We didn’t know the term childfree existed nor what it meant. We both thought we’d have kids some day, but it was always in a distant future. One day, we were lying on the couch, cuddling and each reading a book. The silence was very agreeable and comfortable. He suddenly said something along the lines of, listen to the silence. I love it. If we had kids, we would not be able to enjoy it. That year I asked his hand in marriage. We’ve been blissfully happy since. When our respective families tried to pressure us to have kids, we knew with certainty we didn’t want them.
Two days ago, we were reading in bed and chatting a little bit. He asked what I expected of 2009. I jokingly said: Let’s have a family! I saw fear in his eyes, but reassured him it was only a joke. Then he said, honey, we are a family: you, me and the cat. I loved him even more!
So back to the topic, there are cf men. Some have not formulated a clear thought about the subject, because they have not been directly pressured to have kids, but if you ask their thoughts honestly, I believe they will reply honestly without bullshit. I would definitely write in my profile now that I don’t want kids and that they are a deal breaker (same with smoking or lack of education). After all, like someone said here, the purpose of a profile is to weed out the undesirable. Life’s too short to spend it with people who suck and who make you miserable. Life is what you make of it. I wish I had known in my 20′s what I know now about myself. I would not have wasted 3 years of my life with a baby rabid man I met online and who tried to force me to have a baby, expected me to do everything for him and to take out money I set aside in a retirement fund to buy him a computer and expensive stuff.
Turns out that that guy later married some girl and their wedding day was ruined. I found his rant on a website. I wrote a comment along the lines of: karma’s a bitch; she comes biting you in the ass for the people you treated badly and for not paying your share of the rent. I’m so glad I’m out of that relationship. My DH said if I had had a kid with that dude, he would have flushed me right away. I would have done the same. At a time in his life, he thought he wanted kids, but he certainly didn’t want to raise someone else’s kid nor to be involved with used goods. Sorry, it’s harsh, but that’s how I see it.
Thanks for the link to my article! I hope you enjoyed reading it.
It’s a tough one, that’s for sure. But I know myself well enough to know that parenting in any way, shape or form, unless it has four legs and fur, is a total no-go for me. Being single doesn’t scare me (in fact, sometimes I prefer it) and I’m holding out for that CF guy. Anything else is just doing myself and the guy a disservice.
I look through dating sites sometimes to see what people who don’t want kids put in their profiles. I’ve noticed that women are often quite vocal about it, and that’s a good thing. One, they know themselves well enough to make a firm decision on kids, and two, they’re confident enough to put it out there and not mess around. As tricia says, to a potential CF mate that’s pure gold.
I find that the guys are a lot more reticent – they’re aware that if they outright say they don’t want kids that they’re going to scare off a lot of potential matches, and a lot of them simply haven’t thought it through at all. I suspect that for a lot of men the issue of kids is all tied up in the societal markers of success – that they don’t necessarily want them, but they think that they need them to complete the resume. I’m still a firm believer that a lot of men can be swayed by the right woman, if you have a fencesitter to start with.
I hope your friend finds her man. Hang in there, he’s got to be hiding somewhere!
I think men don’t feel the pressure as much and don’t take it as such an issue because in traditional families it is usually the wife/mother who has the largest burden of child care. So they’re likely to think they can swing either way because they don’t have to invest so much after the kid is born, and therefore they don’t see why being CF is important.
Any time you go against the cultural mainstream it’s more difficult. My bf and I are not married and never have been (going on 28 years) mainly because his family is so traditional and we knew that kind of life would suffocate us. We sort of grew into the CF thing — I kind of thought it would be neat to have ONE child — but now I am really, really glad it didn’t happen. We have six cats instead, and that’s enough nurturing for me (thank goodness they sleep so many hours a day!) — and neither of us have to face the social pressures to conform that parents undergo all the time.
If you’d asked me 25 years ago whether I’d feel this way now, though, I wouldn’t have been able to say yes. Sometimes you just can’t tell how things will work out, even in your own mind.
I also question the notion that a man with older children is a bad risk. That presupposes that “children come first” when actually the point has been made before on this blog that it’s the marriage partners who should be first to each other even if they have kids.
I have a friend who for her fifth (yes, fifth) marriage got hitched to a man who had married young, had adult children, and was dead set against having more. That suited her fine, and they both have never been happier — first in each other’s eyes.
You really have to find your own way sometimes. There are very few hard and fast rules to rely on.
What interesting stories and comments!!
I have never met anyone on line, though my best friend did. It was not through a dating site, but through a couple years of posting to the same site, and a few meet ups, they fell in love and are now ensconced in a happy and childfree marriage.
My partner and I got married this year. Early on in our relationship we did have some discussions about children and parenting. I was quite upset one time when he mentioned off hand that he “might like children someday maybe” after I thought I had made it perfectly clear that it’s me or kids, but will never be both. We had a discussion, and he said “I know the difference between want and need, I might want kids, but I need you. Kind of like going to the moon, I might want to do that, but I don’t NEED to do that.” It made perfect sense. Both of us enjoy our lives, we live them as we please and really enjoy the massive amounts of slacking off people like us require. We do have friends and family with children, and enjoy visiting them, but more so we enjoy leaving them (and their kids) and going to our quiet (or loud – depending) home.
I think that it’s possible to be happy with a person who had children, if of course he doesn’t want any more, they live very, very far away, he has little or no contact with the mother, and visits are rare and short. This pretty much has to be a man, because women are usually stuck with the kids. I think that here it would be extremely important to be very clear about boundaries and not try be what you each think th eother person wants – he “hides” all the kid stuff and drama while she gushes over their photos and asks about soccer practice. If the woman’s stance is, I am really not interested, I suppose I can sit through a Christmas dinner and acknowledge that 1/5 of your paycheck will be wasted, but that’s all, and the guy says, Honestly, that’s about all i am interested in too, I have a new life, they have a new life, then maybe it can be navigated. Of course a CF person can’t date some rabid helicopter parent, or the custodial parent.
I heard of a dating site for the childfree. I don’t know what it’s worth, but here’s the link: IdoNOTwantKids-dot-com
Good luck to your friend!
Britgirl, should we write up a childfree dating site business plan? Seriously, we all know men who don’t want children and women who don’t want children and their paths don’t seem to cross. If we can match those people up we can make others happy and increase the strength and numbers of the childfree movement. Heck, we could start our own religion
I did have a few blips on the dating radar of men who wanted children and learned to bring it up very early on. It’s not as creapy as a woman with baby rabies saying “I want babies, lots of them” on the first date. I would often make comments about some misbehaved kid in the restaurant, movie, park, etc. and say something like “one of many examples why I won’t have kids” and then watch the reaction. Some men would be horrified and immediately eliminated from contention, others (dare I say most) men thought it was cool that a woman wasn’t driven by her biological clock.
Good luck to your friend, I think there are many of us readers who could attest that finding the right childfree mate is worth the wait.
I would think it’s harder for guys to find a childfree mate, but childfree women would be having their pick of men, no? It’s usually the women that are desperate for babies, men can sort of take it or leave it, and the older they get, the more they want to leave it.
I totally sympathize with your friend. I gave up on online dating for a number of reasons. The number of guys who contacted me with profiles that indicated they wanted children when mine clearly stated the opposite astounded me. Plus I received an email from a single dad lecturing me on my profile. In it, I said something to the effect of: if you want kids then I am absolutely, positively not the girl for you. He essentially told me that I would never find a guy over 30 that didn’t want or have kids and that I would basically be single forever. Sigh.
I’m 35 and really wish that finding a childfree partner was easier. Having dated a guy with a child, I know I can’t even handle a part-time parenting role.
But it’s a new year so all the best to you childfree folk and fingers crossed for some more positive childfree dating experiences for the single among us!
Even a man get the pressure. From collegues, family and partner.
I start to understand how important it is to agree on the child-issue with your spouse. It is not easy to balance a CF life in the child-centered society if the closest one belongs to the “enemy”.
It is difficult to not feel guilt for denying someone to have a child with you. Also it is easy to get carried away when someone tries to convince you how nice a child would be and that the worries you have are overdimentioned. And for someone who do not hate kids it is possible to dream the picture of the prettiest dna-copy sitting with a smile in your lap. The thought of having someone to care for and someone who might care for you one day can also do blind. Suddenly you find yourself thinking:” why think so much, just do it!!” (something eccoed by everybody else wanting you to procreate). And by doing so you would suddenly become a more accepted mature member of society.
My present gf was told on the second date that I was CF. She was surprised about someone not wanting children but would not exclude such life if she was in a good relationship. But now 3 years later there has not been any final agreement about this issue. It seem to be either me giving up my standpoint, we breaking up or stay together with the risk of ending up as people not living the life fully and with bitternes. The friction in our relationship has been tried explained by many reasons but it start to seem more clear for me that the cf-issue plays a major role.
Great post and comments!
@All: These are such interesting stories comments – echoing Feh here. Not that I’m surprised -it’s just fascinating to read the insights on this conversation. Thank you – and please keep the comments coming.
By the way Swiss Barb, thanks for that link! Watch (the next) space.
I got married pretty young, but did meet my husband online. It was only a little while before we got married that we started to talk about the issue of children. It didn’t take us long to realise what we both wanted – to be childfree. We were both pretty much on the fence before we got married, but since being married we have become even more fervent in our decision to be childfree. We simply know that it’s for us, and it works with our dynamic. With a past boyfriend, I was rather disturbed (being on the fence at the time) when he kept going on about wanting lots of children – that really scared me and he couldn’t understand it.
From observation and talking men at various stages in their lives, I’ve noticed that, like og217 says, men often seem to be a case of “take it or leave it”. I sometimes think that a lot (if not most!) men would be happy to never have children, I know that is the case in my family with both my father and brothers. And honesty on that count, especially in dating game should be encouraged, so long as it’s at the right moment. I also don’t think anyone should fear honesty on that subject, as surely relationships should always be founded on honesty?
Sorry, not much of substance to add, but it is an interesting subject. Best of luck to your friend, BritGirl.
I got married before internet dating was all the rage, but thanks to having a close friend who is single and on the dating sites, I hear all about the trials and tribulations.
I know that on Match.com, you have to make a specific selection as to whether you have or want kids and it’s pretty clear. I think one of the selections states, “I do not want kids”. I think if I was single and dating today, I would be VERY specific in my profile that I am childfree and do not wish to date anyone who has kids or wants kids.
I actually think it is harder for childfree men to find childfree women than the other way around. I think being childfree is more acceptable for a man than a woman. If a man announces he doesn’t wants kids, he may get an odd look but that’s about it. If a woman announces she doesn’t want kids, she is treated as though she is the antichrist.
One suggestion for people who want to meet other CF people in person…try Meetup.com.
I’ve been lurking for months but have finally decided to post.
When my husband and I started dating, I was very up front about not wanting kids; he was clear that he did want kids. I wasn’t sure it would work out because of that but he married me anyway. We’ve been married 11 years now, and it’s a certainty I won’t be bearing any children because I had a hysterectomy last summer. While I think a small part of him regrets not having kids, the majority has come over to my point of view. Our best friends have two kids–good kids, mind you, but I told him the other day that far from making me wish I had any, seeing what it took to be parents to them made me very thankful that I’m not a parent, and he concurred. I’m not recommending, however, that people who differ on this issue when they marry should get married, in general, because I doubt it would work out as happily for most as it has for us. I feel very fortunate indeed.
Britgirl, thanks for your blog. It is the most thoughtful, articulate childfree blog that I’ve seen, and it is a service to the childfree community. Reading this blog these past few months has reassured me that, parental comments aside, I AM NOT a freak for being married and childfree, and that there are many others like me.
I feel very lucky to be with a guy who is also CF. When we met he was on the fence, but I felt very strongly about the issue and I think after thinking about it he realized how great a life without kids is. His main issues are time and money-both of which you have much more of without kids (:
We did not tell his family, and his mom makes a LOT of comments about us having kids (and we are not even married yet!). I think it’s better to not say anything, it’s just easier than the confrontation. In time they will figure it out anyway.
He is older than I am so I think that’s also part of it, and I also agree that some men are more flexible about having or not having kids because it’s a smaller investment for them.
I am totally against having kids. A woman has to sacrifice so much more than a man, give up her body, time, career..it’s just an incredible scarifice that I am shocked so many women make.
My bf and I are very content, the only thing bothering us is our families. I kind of tried to tell mine kids won’t happen, but they think I will chnage my mind. (and that it’s an “unnatural” attitude
As for finding a CF partner, I kind of lucked out, but I think perhaps the Nokidding meetings could be a place to meet people? Although it might be mostly couples..My bf and I plan on going to our first meeting soon and we really want to find more people like us that we can become close with and who won’t disappear on us once they are up to their ears in diapers.
Very good article. . .as an African-American woman, I am unfortunately confronted with “baby’s mama drama” too often. I used to date a guy who had two kids. I liked the kids. However, if he and I had married, I couldn’t have seen myself dealing with ex-wife (his son’s mother) or his ex-girlfriend (his daughter’s mom).
I tell guys up front that I have no interest in motherhood. Yet, they’ll pull out pictures of their kids and gush about them. When I don’t show much interest, they’ll start in trying to sell me on being a parent, either to their existing kids or one they think they’ll have with me down the line. It is a frustrating situation.
Like Eilonwy, I have been lurking around for some time as well and now decided to post. My husband and I have been married for some time and he to can see now that having children is not the be all and end all. I was also very upfront with him right from the start.
He comes from a large family and often comments on his total lack of privacy whilst growing up and parents not having the money available for him to do a lot of things during school.
I do love my nieces and nephews and friends kids but still I dont know many people who I would say are truly happy with their kids and I certainly doubt that having kids made their relationships any closer thats for sure.
I am from Australia though and I perhaps I havent looked hard enough but its hard to find anything similar to this blog here. I agree again with
Eilonwy that this is the most interesting and articulate blog.
Fortunately I have worked in different areas and met other women who did not have children and were happy with their decision.
Still I have gone through phases of thinking I should have children perhaps just to fit in more in the family or social groups! Sometimes it gets quite hard as I am finding there are not many people to socialise with or talk to anymore ( that are in my age group anyway). My mother in law thinks I am a freak but thankfully at least I have this blog to read now and yes I now accept that i am a normal person and not oddity!!
@Brigitte: You will be very interested in the latest post. I think you will conclude that far from being a freak, many people are in denial – big time. Including parents… many of whom can’t seem to wait to have their own children go through every bit of what they went through. If I had any doubts that being childfree was the right thing for me (which I don’t) – the post on Dooce would kill them dead.
I was smiling when I read these comments because I knew I was going to write this one.
Thank you for commenting… I am happy this blog has been encouraging. I know how hard it is to be almost the only childfree person/couple in a community of parents.
@Eilonwy – thanks! You will see you’re spot on
@Gina – the freedom is spectacular indeed. And about the grass being greener? Just read the latest post
@Dorian Gray… thank you… yes, many men are on the fence and some agree for a “quiet life” as well as also not really knowing what’s going to be involved. Honesty should really be front and centre.
@ childfreeee “If a man announces he doesn’t wants kids, he may get an odd look but that’s about it. If a woman announces she doesn’t want kids, she is treated as though she is the antichrist.” Yes, and we know that’s true from experience.
@emma-miller – yes No Kidding meetings are a great place to start. I met some good friends through No Kidding and we’ve been friends for years now. It is really great to go out for a group activity and NOT even refer to kids and related stuff. If i didn’t have a group I would start one myself.
@all, I am still going through these fascinating stories and comments… my friend loved them by the way
I can’t help feeling the next post is so timely.
I thought I was never going to find a man who matched up with me on no-kids/no-religion AND had the right attraction vibe. One of my dearest male friends matches up with me in almost every way, and we tried dating for a while, but there also has to be that spark to make it all work. I went through match.com and had a couple of short relationships through that, but no go in the end. I’d pretty much resigned myself to being single and gave up looking. Then out of the blue, through some mutual friends, I bumped into my current boyfriend. We’ve been living together for more than a year now and I couldn’t be happier–and we match on all of the important decisions and values. He likes some of his friends’ kids (as do I), but doesn’t really want to deal with them for long periods of time… so he’s more than happy to go along with my firm stance. He also feels that it’s my body and therefore entirely my decision, which I greatly appreciate these days after listening to a friend complain about how hard it is with her one child… and then saying even though she doesn’t really want to go through pregnancy again, she will because her husband wants their child to have a natural and not adopted sibling. I usually like her husband, but when I heard that I almost punched the phone. This also when they’re struggling with money to afford the one child they’ve got, because of course with a sibling you want them not too far apart in age, and the one kid is two next month.
I would echo above comments, though, that a man with grown kids who doesn’t want more can sometimes work out just fine. In the case I know of (my friend where we’re missing the spark), he’d already done the diapers, he’d felt he’d put a lot of his life on hold for 20 years, and the last thing he wanted was to get pinned down by that again. In many ways he was able to appreciate the childfree attitude more than someone who hadn’t gone through it. Not to say his children aren’t still in the picture and very important to him, but the everyday parenting isn’t there (in fact, they live across the country). He still hasn’t found someone to share his life with, though, and too many women with or wanting children has been a big part of the struggle. He’s also in his mid-40s now, and the number of women in his age bracket without children seems pretty small. I think I may try to suggest the nokidding group to him and see what he can find. I’m pretty sure he didn’t know about that. I hadn’t heard of it until reading about it here.
Excellent post! It is very challenging meeting a childfree partner. I remember going on a speed date and I used a visual card to state things that are deal breakers: no smoking, no drugs, no kids. Well, it turned out one of my matches had kids. For some reason he maybe thought the “no kids” didn’t apply to him. I didn’t even bother going out with him. No kids means not mine and definitely not yours! That kind of magical thinking – oh, she can’t mean my kids – makes me crazy. However, even though it’s very challenging, I believe there is a compatible childfree man out there for me somewhere. I won’t settle for less and I encourage your friend to keep looking. I don’t believe in settling. Compromise yes, settling no. And there isn’t any compromising about children. They’re either there or they aren’t. I prefer “aren’t.”
Just as an ad on to my previous comment – it seems that guys over 35 or guys who have had one of those silly starter marriages would probably be ideal matches for CF women. They finally have some money, nice things, a career, and have seen what their friends’ lives have become due to children, and maybe dated a woman with a kid. That’s probably enough to make anyone childfree. Also, as people get older, they want more for themselves and are less likely to do things just because everyone else is. I know I didn’t mind having roommates or being broke when I was 19, it was fun and a major rite of passage – look, here I am, in NYC, smoking weed and crashing on the couch of a girl I wait tables with. Aren’t I so Sex & The City! Travel was conducted through hostels and Greyhound buses. Now? No way. I just do not want to revert to eating mac & cheese, fishing for change in couch cushions, or wearing beat up shoes. I am just too old, too educated, and way over that. I am now in a position to have a nice, relatively easy life. Why would I plunge right back into misery, poverty and exhaustion? For men, there is the additional bonus of seeing the attractive, fun and sexual woman they loved turn into a fat, screeching hag who looks like she died, wants to have sex twice a year, and yells at him if he buys a DVD instead of more crap for the child, who also screeches and whines and begs for money and attention 24/7. I just see younger men having kids, just because its expected. But men who resisted somehow for a decade or so really value and relish that freedom.
even if you find someone, it could still fail.
its so hard because of external pressures, from the others family. from society in general, i think thats why so many people have given up looking, both men and women sometimes lie in relationships, how many women have the baby bug but hide it expect men to change. so many people are damaged and hurt that they find it hard to trust anyone again. whats the answer i dont know
(i am back after some time away, but i am back into the cf world with a vengence;-)).. i dont have any advice, just follow what feels good to you, if thats dating, or the single life. then follow your dreams.
I have to comment on what Mercurior said. My now ex wife was that woman. the one who had a baby bug, but kept it hidden for many years. finally everything came to a head,i found out she was cheating on me, we divorced, and she was married within 3 months of the divorce finalizing and knocked up the month after that! guess she really wanted a baby and i wasnt about to give it to her. It has been a long road for me, trying to build trust back up in others. when you are betrayed by the one person you never thought would do you wrong, it really shakes your world up and leaves you wondering if anyone is being honest with you about anything.
I am glad to say I have moved beyond all of that now, and am grateful to be out of the relationship since it was becoming toxic to both of us. But now i am back in the dating pool and finding the area i am fishing in to be extremely small, and the fish that are there have a lot of bait to choose from. I agree with what a lot of people have said, that women have it a little easier because most guys can go either way on the kid issue. Women, it seems it is cut and dry, it’s either yes or no, and from what ive seen, sadly, most are “yes” to having children. I will be attending my first No Kidding group event this coming weekend and i am just hoping to make some new friends who are CF. all my friends have popped out at least 1 kid and we all know what happens then. I rarely talk to any of them anymore because i refuse to partake in the “johnny took his first step, he is amazing” conversations. Hopefully I can make some new friends that can talk about more than one subject.
Joe, i wonder if you hadnt had found out would you have known it wasnt your kid. You dodged the bullet there. If you had kept refusing she could have “oopsed” you.
Men dont think about having kids, or they say whatever you want dear.. Children are not in the forefront of mens minds, unlike they are in womens. (there are exceptions of course but i dont count those)
What Mercurior said:
Joe, I read your story and was holding my breath wondering if you had been oopsed. It does happen. And more often than women WILL admit. I firmly believe that. They assume that once a man lays eyes on their progeny they’ll melt with love and goo.
Uhm. No.
no, no “oopsing” me. I am extremely careful, and very soon will be going to permanently make sure there can NOT ever be an oops, rofl. No, we divorced, after the divorce finalized(which in california, it finalizes 6 months after its been approved by the judge) she was dating one of her brothers friends back east, shortly after that remarried, and the following month knocked up. I was pretty surprised how quickly she did it, but after thinking about it, it doesnt surprise me at all. She is the type to do whatever it takes to make everyone else happy and avoid conflict at all costs. Her mom had been putting pressure on about having a kid, as well as her sister and other family members. So when we finally split after the affairs(plural, i was dumb enough to forgive her once and think she would change….i guess i just didnt want to be a failure and wanted to believe we could make it work), she was ready to jump into the next relationship and get knocked up.
Life has taken a lot of interesting twists and turns since then, its been about 2 years now, actually closer to 2.5 years, and in that time, ive yet to meet a CF woman to date! i even caved and dated a woman that had children who didnt want any more kids. yeah….that failed miserably. almost every time we tried to get together to do something, their dad flaked and she had to watch the kids and had to cancel plans. That got old real fast. That was the only attempt at dating i have made. Just cant seem to find a CF lady that is single, rofl. ah well, all good things come to those who wait. Guess i just gotta keep waiting
Joe
Joe, dude, I know a WONDERFUL woman in California who is adamantly childfree and is amazing! She’s very beautiful and active.
You know … what I find interesting about people is that people who want children couple up rather quickly, while those who are CF don’t. I’m really curious as to why this is.
Is it because people who want children have that one huge interest as a commonality and so it is easier to over look compatibility in other areas?
Is it because people who are CF tend to look at the other person as a whole rather than a possible incubator or sperm bank and so we know what we’re getting into and so we are more informed about the other person and aren’t so easily swayed? Could it be possible that this comes into play because we don’t have some biological clock we need to beat?
Remember, those who want children are in a race to beat a clock. I know a friend of ours was. When he FINALLY found someone they moved quickly to get engaged. I told my S.O. that I give them two years, JUST TWO from the announcement of their engagement this past Christmas for them to have already popped out a brat, or she’s pregnant.
So, considering we, the CF, are not in some race we must finish before some certain time in our life, could it be that we aren’t in as much of a rush to find someone? To simply settle for Mr/Mrs Right Now rather than Mr/Mrs Right so that we could “settle down?” Maybe that’s why we may come accross as being more “particular” of our partners. I suppose when you have to start breeding before the machinery gets too old, you are more forgiving of flaws in the other person and start to hope they’ll change and “grow up” once the brats start arriving. (I’m also thinking of Britgirl’s blog entry entitled, “Red Whine or White? Moms are Angry at Dads” as I type this.)
I’m no sociologist so I haven’t studied this, but these are questions I’ve come up with as to why the CF have a hard time partnering up. I think there is more to it than a numbers game of not enough of us out there. While that is true, and we all know dating is a numbers game, I think the fact that since we don’t want or have children, we are forced to discuss other topics of life and get to know each other, rather than those who want to breed can take up their time by talking about breeding and all that entails.
you raise a lot of valid points there CFSinceSix. You actually connected a lot of random thoughts i have had on the issue and made them all fit together quite nicely. I agree 100% that a lot of the breeders get together because time is not on their side, and they need to replicate before the equipment is no longer capable. and once the offspring has arrived, they can just spend all their time focused on it and no longer worry about each other. And that ties why CFers have a hard time finding someone, because we want to find someone we are ACTUALLY compatible with, not just using as a means to an end. The numbers game definitely isnt on our side, but i think it has a lot more to do with not wanting to settle. I did that in my first relationship, settled because i was tired of looking, and it failed miserably. I wont make that same mistake again, and since i am fishing in a much more limited pool, any other prerequisites I add just limits the already limited dating pool just that much more.
I do believe I will find someone, I just think it will be much further down the road than i would like. That is life though, and i am content knowing that i will always be able to live life my way and not have the tie downs that parenthood bestows upon those ignorant enough to have children. And who knows, maybe your friend and myself will run across each other and sparks will fly, rofl. One can dream can’t he?
Joe
I am a female, 30 years old, CF and loving it, and can’t find anyone interested in dating me, because I live in East TX. Around here, if you don’t pop a baby out, something is wrong with you. Well guess what? I’m afflicted;) And that’s fine with me! Anyone around here wanna date? Know someone good for me? Let’s start working together to hook one another up!
Whenever I met women in their fifties sitting round my table, a common question they would ask me,” Are you married?” Or “Do you have kids?”. And when my reply is “NO”, they broke a wide smile on their faces. Their reply is,” Good! You don’t have debtors in your past lives.” In my society, (am from Singapore, 44 ), it’s very open to discuss CF issue now. In the past, if a woman didn’t marry at age of 25, she would be called an ‘old virgin’, today , nobody dares to use such word of abuse. Those women I met didn’t have happy marriage and they were forced to marry due to traditional duty to carry on a family name. Today, many women know it’s not fun to have kids, husbands and wives always quarrel over kids issues.They always express their regrets and feel happy at my choice.
I’m a single adult CF by choice. I had such mindset as young as 12; to NOT want kids life. As a teenager, I had boyfriends and broke off. I know very well how difficult it is to find one guy who has the same mindset . I signed up Match.com lately and stated clearly I don’t want kids and prefer a man who does NOT want kids. However, I got my matches who have kids from their first marriage and still wanting to have kids. Silly men! I’m quite disheartened,what to do, I just have to continue looking for one and I’m sure to meet one such guy like me, CF by choice, one day.
I think there should be more dating sites and events in communities that promote or offer childfree dating and social meetings. Even the simple availability of having a “childfree” button next to options like “I have 3 kids” or “not a parent” in dating sites would be such a great addition. I’m glad that more people are opening up about this, because it isn’t something which should be frowned upon.