For this article I am thanking Swiss Barb. I would never have known of it otherwise. When I clicked this link I had no idea what to expect.
I came away with a range of feelings. Chief of which was a feeling of validation. Childfree validation Not because I identified with mothers (overwhelmingly they were mothers) on Dooce. Far from it. No, because, here, after all this time, were parents telling it (mostly) how it is is.
That parenting is hard, bloody hard.
Why did I feel a sense of validation from a “mommy blog”? Well, I thought of all the times when I said I was childfree, just in general conversation, mind – and to a voice mothers would tell me:
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How WONDERFUL having children is..
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What I was missing out on…
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How EASY being a parent is…
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How it just makes your marriage… proves our love for one another…
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How it’s so worth it…
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How nothing compares…
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How they don’t know what they’d do if they didn’t have their children…
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How we should hurry up and have a couple of kids…
And of course, how no childfree life could possibly be as happy and fulfilled as theirs…as we hadn’t had children.
You know the drill. You can probably repeat all the bingos, backwards.
And all the time I would see how hard parenting is. Just by observing, watching parents and listening. Come to think of it, most parents were always complaining about how hard it all was.. blah blah. In the next breath I’d get the “oh but it’s worth it…” Maybe it is… for them. I decided it wasn’t for me. My marriage is great. It isn’t hard, it’s fun. I’m married to my best friend, partner and lover. I knew what would have to be sacrificed if we did decide to have children… that’s just the way it is, and for me it wasn’t worth it.
Of course there were a few honest voices of parents who are my friends. They love their kids but wouldn’t do it again. Unfortunately those voices are few and far between or muted.
This is a comment from one of the Dooce posters:
“I find that everyone I know just goes on and on about how wonderful and easy being a parent is. I love my daughter, she’s amazing, but this is damn hard. You worry all of the time, you wonder if you’re doing the right things, everyone makes comments on your parenting including your own parents and you think, “Can’t I get any part of this right?” Is parenthood harder than marriage. Hell, YES!”
Yeah, because you fell for the line that being a mother is easy. People told me that too.
The other thing about the post that really struck me was this: The sheer amount of unhappiness of most of the people commenting. It was like one huge complaint-fest. I had to stop reading after a while – it seemed the misery was palpable – all these unhappily married mothers. There was only so much of that I could take. How, I wondered could so many people be so unhappy with a choice they have made? A choice that’s THE choice, supposedly? One they recommend.
The article’s question was front loaded of course… either one (marriage or parenting) had to be hard.Therefore, if you were happy in both (or childfree as opposed to waiting to have kids) you were unlikely to comment.
Actually, I did see some childfree comments there. I was going to leave one but the 700+ comments were a bit much for the site and it gave me a page not found – which I took as a sign. I don’t think my comment would have carried much weight anyway. I’m childfree, having spotted the B.S. and happily married. Kind of out of synch with the unhappily married and unhappily childed commentators.
Childfree readers. You were – and are – right. Go and read some of those comments and share here what you think. Meanwhile… that feeling that parenting is not for you? It’s real. It’s there for a reason. You are not a freak. We are not freaks. Just people who aren’t afraid to make a choice to be childfree.
Do share your thoughts. You will have to go and check out the comments I’m afraid. 
{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }
I see a few of these women who stay miserable out of a promise to not do what their parents did (divorce, fight, etc). As a childfree wife, I can say, I am so glad that I have nothing holding me back from leaving a bad marriage. I was married before, I divorced the marriage was bad. I got free, I got into a good relationship. I am so pleased no one else had any say or effect from that. Childfree really is freedom.
I too promise not to put a child through a bad marriage, through an unhealthy mom who can’t make it to recitals because she is sick, through a distant father, through a depressed and angry mother. I won’t ever put a child through those things, because I won’t be having a child! I am in a good marriage, my health has its ups and downs and I don’t get angry much, awesome
You’re welcome
I stopped reading the comments shortly after I posted mine, it must have been in the 300+ then. But the feeling I got was the same as you, there are so many unhappy and distressed mothers and wives out there, it’s scary!
I had to stop reading after around 100 comments – it’s depressing and scary how many unhappy wives and mothers are out there. These women are living the only lives they’ll ever have in a state of quiet (and sometimes not so quiet, some of them are in therapy and/or on meds) desperation.
One thing that struck me – there were women who said they were happily married and did not yet have kids – and in the next sentence, admitted they were scared that having kids would change things for the worse. That made me want to bounce with temper. FFS! Has anyone ever told them that they don’t have to drink the kool aid?? It ain’t broke, so why fix it ladies? Sheesh.
Thanks, Britgirl and SwissBarb for this article and column!
I was just posting about this on a childfree email list I am on last night. I just don’t “get it” when parents say things like “having a child filled a hole I didn’t know was there” or “you’ll never know pure and unconditional love until you have a child.”
First, where do they get the “unconditional love” from? Children will cry, scream, and throw tantrums if they don’t get their way — is this “pure and unconditional love”?
Second of all, what right do they have to tell me I’m not happy enough? How do they know what would make me happy? I just don’t understand how they know I’m “missing out” on something.
I tend to think these things are just comforting lies that parents tell each other, and themselves, to get them through the desperate times. I imagine it’s painful to see someone without children living a happy life, while there’s is hectic and stressful. So, they have to come up with something to rationalize away the childfree person’s happiness, like “they don’t know *real* happiness, blah blah blah”.
Thanks again for the insightful article!
If marriage is hard, then you’re in the wrong marriage. Your DH or DW should rightly be your best friend, lover, confidante, rock and the centre of your shared universe. If they’re not, and it’s not working, you can always walk away.
Not an option you have with a child.
The concern about ruining the marriage with children is a very valid one. I read a study that cited 50% of divorces in my home country involved children under the age of 7. I’d be interested to know if another 40% involved children over 7 … and like LIz, I wonder how these women calculate the risk.
Great post as usual.
i agree with kat, marriage should not be that hard. i mean obviously any important relationship in your life has it’s difficulties but the relationship itself should be easy. that’s probably my biggest worry about having kids, ruining my relationship that i cherrish so much. i truly believe it’s what happened to my parents. the stories i heard about them before they had me were beautiful and now, they are roomates. great post.
Not to sound harsh, but honestly why would anyone ever think having/raising a child would be easy? 24/7 responsibility for a developing human being. Hmmm, could be a challenge…. So many people are like sheep, never stopping to think about their choices, just going along to get along. They see the Kodak moments in the commercials and they think, “Oh, I want that”, without too much forethought at all about what “that” means day to day. I certainly don’t feel like a freak because I don’t have/don’t want a child. I feel happily relieved not to feel compelled to be posting in a misery loves company forum.
From reading some of those comments, I have begun to wonder whether those with (or who want) children have a very different view of what ‘marriage’ is? Commenters on there seem to be saying that marriage has been very hard – I agree that all relationships will have their moments, but if it’s constantly hard, then maybe you’re with the wrong person? I’ve had the odd moment with my husband, but apart from those it’s been wonderful and we complement each other perfectly.
There is a comment on there about how marriage for this person has been more emotionally challenging and how the duties as a ‘wife’ are not as clear cut as that of a mother. Have I missed something here? I’m a ‘wife’, but I don’t have any ‘duties’, I am not required or bound by an agreement to do anything, I do not have a part in a contract to fulfill, I was not given a job description which laid out what I was supposed to do, and what he was supposed to do or contract to sign upon saying “I do”. It’s a partnership – we take these ‘duties’ as they come and tend to bargain over them rather than them being set to one person and the other making them feel guilty (if I do such and such, he makes me a nice cup of tea, that sort of thing!). There’s no guilt over having not performed a set duty or fulfilled my contract. Surely that kind of attitude towards a marriage, or any kind of relationship would be very destructive?
I guess it’s similar to the post about the dating game and being childfree. Honesty is needed from the beginning. If you don’t lay out what you’re both expecting from marriage (or parenthood) then they will be difficult. As long as you’re honest with each other and can discuss the issues, then come to an agreement you will probably be fine. But as with having children, few people seem to consider marriage as a life decision, but more as ‘just something that people do after being together for a couple of years because they wanted a big party’.
Funny you should post this — I have really enjoyed that blog, as Heather Armstrong seemed to be a smart and funny human being first and a mom alongside that. I read that post and the comments when it was first up (and I was surprised at the number of complaints too), but I just deleted my bookmark to dooce because I’m sick of the preggy-belly photos. (I wouldn’t post a photo of my age-47-midriff at my site, so why would I want to look at someone else’s bulging abdomen just because there’s a fetus in it?)
The whole emphasis on that pregnancy is mystifying. She’s sick all the time, she landed in the hospital with postpartum depression after her first child, and yet, SHE’S DOING IT AGAIN. Willingly. Difficult, unpleasant, life-threatening — why would you do that on purpose especially if you have the means to prevent it?
Um, what’s wrong with adoption, if you really, really want another child?
For pure and unconditional love, get a dog!
I used to enjoy Dooce’s blog. Then she started posting pictures every day of her material possessions. And she was getting less and less amusing. And then she was just boring. It was the same thing over and over and over and over again. And that’s when I realized that blogs, like television shows, can jump the shark. And that Dooce jumped the shark.
As for adoption, her mental health issues might preclude her from being able to adopt.
As CF I sometimes feel like an alian when looking at the busy and often tired parents.
I am going to remind my self the 700+ next time someone tries to give me a “friendly” advice about the bless of parenting.
A CF person cannot relate to the worries of a parent (thanks God for that)..and its nothing strange that a parent and a CF can have trouble in finding common ground.
I observed two fathers in a public area the other day. They were introducing themselves by asking about “Arent you the father of…etc..”…and the other person replied quickly…”and you then..arent you the father of…etc..”…The introduction did not sound friendly at all…but still they had some relationship because their kids had something in common. I was thinking how greatful I am for not needing to relate to some idiot just because of my kids.
I was going to bookmark Dooce’s blog recently. I even have a blog post about her blog somewhere on Like It Is, did it months ago when I was impressed with how she dealt with her “doocing”… However I was greeted by a picture of her bulging belly… and promptly decided otherwise.
As always I am enjoying your comments hugely.
I recall in the 700+ comments on Dooce’s blog there was one women who was going thru IVF.She basically told the complainers to STFU and be grateful for what they had… she was promptly chastised… after all it’s a “mommy blog and they have every right to complain if they want to”. Later, someone was nicer to the poster. Can’t understand anyone still trying for a baby reading that thread of misery and still going for it. Not to mention the “I don’t have kids yet, but I’m scared it’s gonna be hard when I have them” group.
If those women are so unhappy as mothers and as wives there are going to be a lot of unhappy kids out there.
I wouldn’t like to be the husbands/partners of those unhappy women, that’s for sure. What gets me is that this is what everyone is trying to get childfree people to sign up to.
@Lurker… “I am going to remind my self the 700+ next time someone tries to give me a “friendly” advice about the bless of parenting.” You said it!
Hi all. I didn’t get very far into the readings and honestly I stopped at number 94. It read : “Ya know….up until last year when my 37 yr old youngest son was arrested and imprisoned for 40 years for molesting our grandaughter….I would have said that marriage was more difficult.
This is said to let everyone who is still in the throes of young motherhood that it just never goes away, it is always with you. Sometimes it is worse to be an “old” mother……..(some deleted)…
It is even hard to find a therapist who has any experience with parents of someone who would do this heinous thing to his own daughter.”
If that isn’t enough to scare the pants back on some of those who were still looking to have a kid or two but wen’t sure I don’t know what is. That is the epitomy of “your kid could cure cancer” – yeah or he could be the above. But I digress.
My other thought while reading all those posts was yes, this is great that they’re being honest and it’s great that this affirms my decision all the more. BUT on the other hand it seemed to be a backwards way of them patting themselves on the back. I have to remember, that is a “mommy blog” and to admit to other mommies that their job is hard…that is more like martyrdom and sacrifice to other mommies. To us childfree it reads more like a horror story but I’d imagine to them, posting about how very hard it all is only glorifies themselves even more. “Look at me – I have the hardest most impossible God-given job in the world” so they all nod their heads about how hard at work they are at raising the kids and most of them all decided that the marriage was the lesser work. Maybe becaust they’re not working on it at all? I think that a good relationship deserves work. Who wants it if it’s just easy, that there isn’t time and effort invested in it with positive outcomes? If you’re working at it and it’s just like banging your head against a wall then it’s not rewarding and it’s not fulfulling. Same as if you just know that guy you’re sleeping with…he’s nice and we eat meals together and zone out watching TV or whatever but there is no substance. No conversations. No disagreements. Ever. That isn’t a relationship to me, that is just co-existing. Like parasites that feed off of a host organism. They don’t harm they just hang out and exist. It seems that THAT is what they treat their marriages like after kids came along. They see it as it’s own organism that will take care of itself and they’re just existing in it but not a part of it anymore. They have kids right? It’s hard and who has time for all that anymore? Oh yeah, and then the divorce rate is high after kids leave home…no wonder.
Essentially while I came away from reading those posts with a relief of my choice and at the same time tried not to feel ‘above’ them for their choice, I couldn’t help but think they were having a massive group-hug. Yay for us. We’re mommies and it’s hard and we can do it. Yay. :::smiling behind tired blood-shot eyes from being up all night with puking little Jimmy::::
Not even in my worse nightmare I could have imagined someone living their life like that.
I could never be one of them.. child or no child….
Great post, boxermom! When I was reading through the “hardest job posts” I didn’t think of the martyr mommy spin, but I absolutely agree with you. Like it’s the job they love to hate.
I wonder if some assume that the relationship with the dependent child will provide “unconditional” love so will be less complicated and thus easier than a relationship with an adult (equal). Or perhaps in some cases the relationship with the child becomes the priority because the relationship with the partner was/is disappointing. By nature a child will need/demand more attention so if care is not paid and time is not made for the primary relationship, it can only suffer.
This seems like such a no-brainer to me. While I wouldn’t say that marriage is “easy” (I think that every marriage of any appreciable age (several years or more) will have its difficulties), it seems obvious that parenting would be more difficult. For one thing, in marriage, hopefully you get to know each other before you enter into it, so it is more of a known quantity, and both people agree to get married. With children, parents decide to have them (in natural-born kids, anyway), and children don’t choose their parents. Deciding to have kids is a bit of a crapshoot. There are many characteristics that are inborn in a child which the parents don’t know when they enter into it and that cannot be changed. So they’re making a huge decision without a lot of information about who they’re going to be dealing with. Scary. Also, parents are responsible for raising a totally helpless infant into a self-sufficient human being who hopefully isn’t a criminal when they reach adulthood. That’s much more than is demanded of you as a spouse.
One of the mothers argued that parenting was easier because the children came out of her. I thought, what does that remotely have to do with it? I am my mother’s daughter, yet our relationship has been fraught with difficulty and conflict from the time I was a young teen (and I am in my mid-thirties now). My mom had a really hard time accepting some of my fundamental differences (not the least of which, my childfree stance). I know she is not alone in this by any means. The fact that a mother has given birth to a child does not put ANY limits on how difficult that child might be to raise; of that I am absolutely certain.
None of this should even be surprising. This only confirms what the science of happiness has been saying for over a decade now:
Very interesting article and also very interesting to read all the comments.
One thing I think needs to be pointed out is that comparing a childfree marriage to the marriage of a couple with kids is not really comparing apples to apples. By nature of being childfree our marriages are stronger and happier. Research has demonstrated this. It is more likely that a childed person will evaluate marriage as “hard” than a childfree person because for them it IS HARD. Can you imagine trying to have a happy and meaningful relationship with your spouse when you have the demands and burden of children and everything that entails pulling you away from him/her?
One of the main reasons hubby and me decided not to have kids was that we are happy together and didn’t want to disrupt our relationship. From our vantage point we’ve seen the destruction that children bring to a marriage and we wanted no part of it.
It is hard being a parent. It is also worth it. It is fine if you don’t want to have children. You don’t need to deride those who do as if they are idiotic or something. Having children is also a choice and not something people do just because it is expected of them.
Shameless Breeder – I recommend you read the post again. It might also help if you go and read the entire comment thread of the linked post. And then point out the supposed “derision”.
For the record, it’s usually parents who can’t wait to deride the chidlfree for not having children. For the record, most do not approach having children as a choice… but as something people do because it’s expected of them.
If indeed they did make a choice then it’s pretty idiotic for them to complain about it.
@boxermom – thanks for those excellent points. While I kept in mind it’s a “mommy blog” I never considered the massive “group-hug” perspective. Kind of reaffirming how hard parenting and marriage is for them, while re-affirming their right to be unhappiness because of their experience. I agree relantionships need to be worked on – if they become neglected because of children or anything else, the outcome is predictable. it’s good they are being honest, but I bet if, outside the group-hug they were to give a view to someone who is considering not having children , most of them would say “oh, it’s worth it. Have one, have several you’ll never know what love is until you have a child.” Because it’s still unpalatable to many that a woman can be happy and fulfilled without the “trials” of parenthood.
Try a search for “I can’t handle being a mother” There is a blog (called “spin me I pulsate”, I think) which is even scarier than the one we’re discussing here.
First of all, I apologize in advance for any typos … I’m posting this from my phone and I have fat thumbs.
I’m an avid reader if the blog Sib mentioned and the fact that the author is a parent has nothing to do with it. She’s actually an incredibly gifted writer. She also has a rather dark and sarcastic sense of humor that a lot of people don’t get.
I don’t limit my blog reading to just childfree blogs, just like I don’t limit my book or magazine article reading to only that which is penned by the childfree. I’d be missing out on a lot of great writing if I did that.
I occassionally point people to stuff written by people who claim they wish they hadn’t had kids or wish they had waited before having them (in an effort to help people realize what they might be getting into and that they have choices in life), but, unless I’m in an extremely cranky mood, I save my ire, condemnation, and special brand of revenge for those who disrespect the childfree.
Just my opinion. You mileage may vary.
emma, you sound very reasonable.
the main thread of these comments seems to be, “it’s depressing and scary how many unhappy wives and mothers are out there.”
sure. but it’s also depressing and scary how many unhappy notwives and childfree people are out there. if you read something online specifically for and by parents, you’re going to hear complaints and worries about parenting. if you read something for and by mountain climbers preparing to scale Everest, you’ll probably read fussing and worries about scaling Everest. and if you read something for and by employees of, say, the software industry, you’ll read buttloads of cranky posts about how hard their business is.
read something for and by childfree people, and you’re likely to read about how hard it is to be childfree in this world, too.
As a bit of an anomaly here…I just have to dispel one last myth.
I consider myself childfree, happily married and approaching 40, but technically I DID have a child, an unwanted pregnancy at 16, a healthy birth at 17, and I gave her up for adoption when she was about 14 months, I had cared solely for her before that, so I was a parent to a healthy, happy baby girl for over a year.
Yes, my deal was fraught with problems from the get-go, so obviously not your normal situation…but here is the zinger.
You know that “love bomb” that is supposed to go off ? That “it’s all so worth it” thing? “when it’s yours it’s different”, “you will never know love like this” thing? Not so my dears. I held my newborn, perfect baby girl in my arms and could only think…”What the f*ck have I done.”
I was responsible, I took good care of her, I did everything I could. I was actually, quite a good little Mommy.
It wasn’t worth it.
I hated being a mother. I loved my child in an abstract kind of way…and I would have given my life for her…but NOTHING changed about wanting to be a parent when parenthood was suddenly thrust upon me. It was not enjoyable, and I will never do it again. Ambivalence about babies stayed firmly the same. There was no sudden “rush” of euphoric joy at being a Mom. If the urge isn’t in you ladies…having a baby won’t magically make it appear. You either want mommyhood, and love it…or you don’t. End of. “It’s different when it’s yours” is a cop out. Poop is still poop, vomit is still vomit…a screaming child is still distressing and horrifying. More so, actually, because YOU are the one who has to fix whatever is wrong.
I was smart, and I was fortunate…I had an adoptive family on standby who were falling over themselves to take my baby and love her in a way I never could. I finally stopped crucifying myself with guilt, and gave her to a family that loved her beyond measure. She is twenty now…and visits me from time to time and we have a cool sort of “auntie” relationship, she turned out just fine and so did I.
The moral of this story is…don’t let ANYBODY talk you into having a child if that maternal (or paternal) instinct isn’t in you…there is NO GUARANTEE that it will magically appear. If I had a nickle for everybody who tells my husband and I (without knowing my back-story that is…) “Oh, just go ahead and do it…the minute you see that cute little face…” I want to shake them and say…”How could you possibly know? STOP telling ambivalent childfree couples (or singles) to just GO AHEAD AND DO IT, INSTINCT BE DAMNED.” I knew from when I was a small child that I didn’t want to be a mother, I bought the “go ahead and just do it” line when I found out I had accidentally gotten pregnant…and I effing hated it. AND almost ruined my life, and an innocent little girls life in the process.
I can’t sing. I am rubbish at dancing. I can’t do math. I do not like cabbage. I am scared of heights, and I do not want to parent. Any of those qualities are not inherently bad, and I did not particularly choose to have them… they just make me..well, me, and that is just fine.
Know thyself.
I thought this was an amazing story. Thank you for sharing it with us. I think I might use it as the next post on the blog because I feel many need to read this.
Please feel free, I too think that people should know this, often hidden aspect of having children.
* And sorry for what now feels like such an out-of-the-blue rant, just after reading 700+ comments on the link above, and all of the “but it’s so worth it” backpedals I just felt like I needed to add my take on all of that.
I do expect that most of the people reading this blog already DO know that parenthood isn’t the path for them!
I did not see it as a rant. I think most readers on the blog know parenthood is not for them chances are there are many who happen by or who may be regular readers who may not be 100% sure. So good for them to read it.
Jennyjen, absolute respect for you. You cared enough about your daughter to make sure she was raised with her happiness as paramount importance. Thanks for your input.
Knowing how she ended up… as a smart, happy and hilarious young woman…yes, I did the absolutely best thing for her, and for me as well. She harbors no resentment for me, and I have utmost respect for the people who did such a fine job of raising her. Thank you!