It doesn’t matter what the situation, business or social, somewhere along the line if you’re childfree and in the company of strangers who are parents or parents in waiting you’re going to get The Questions.
Depending on the situation, you may get one question – to which a well crafted response will forestall any further ones. But sometimes your interrogator fails to get the message, and then you’re subjected to several questions often in rapid succession. None of them welcome, most catching you off-guard, and most leaving you feeling you have to defend your choice to be childfree to everyone else.
So, wouldn’t it be great to have a neat little card that saved you having to answer those silly intrusive questions and put-downs? It would read something like the list below be 3 x 5 or larger and perfect for handing out when the question count was more than one.
List edited Jan27th.
- No, I don’t have children
- Yes, we’re very happy
- No, I am not childless, I am childfree.
- No, we haven’t been trying.
- Yes, we both have good jobs
- No, we don’t have tons of disposable income
- Yes, we could afford to have kids… so?
- Yes, we probably could have had them, just chose not to
- Why not?
- No, it doesn’t mean I don’t like kids.
- No, not all of them do…
- It’s a choice
- No, I am not lonely
- Yes, I know doctors can do amazing things…
- No, we’re not trying IVF
- Because I just don’t want them
- Yes, we have pets… no we don’t consider them children
- Yes,of course I was a child before… what’s that got to do with it?
- No, I’m not lonely.. far from it
- Actually, we’re probably subsidizing your kids, you know…
- Yes, we could be bringing up children… and no we’d rather not
- No, I won’t…
- I am leaving it to others to provide grandkids…
- No, I haven’t been abused as a child.
- No, I’m not a workaholic.
- Yes, I am with «The Right One».
- No, being selfish means you create a child to take care of you.
- No, I don’t feel obliged to find cure for cancer, as a justification for not being a parent.
- Yes, but you see, unlike humans, animals and plants can’t think.
- No, my mother would be horrified to be a known “Grandma”
You can probably guess the questions (and yes, most of the questions are bingoes) and you can even add your own “responses.” If you do think of some add them in the comments and I’ll edit the list.
Imagine… as soon as the bingoes started you could whip out this card (after all you know what they are going to say most of the time) and simply hand it to them. There all their questions would be answered and you’re spared the tediousness of the Spanish Inquisition yet again. Even better, there could be a De-luxe version…. one side with bingoes, the other with the pithy responses.
The beauty of such a childfree card is that you would hardly have to say a word. Apart from, perhaps, “hold on a minute, I have just the thing for you… you’ll find all the answers to your questions here…”
What say you?
Technorati Tags: childfree, childfree
{ 39 comments… read them below or add one }
Top notch!
Love it. Although for some people, it might work better if you wrote it on a sledgehammer and smacked them between the eyes with it.
Which reminds me … I got given a painters card the other day, and when I turned it over, expecting to find his contact details … the first line was “proud father of five’. WTFF? I threw it out. I want to know what services you provide, not how well your equipment works!!
No, I haven’t been abused as a child.
No, I’m not a workaholic.
Yes, I am with «The Right One».
No, being selfish means you create a child to take care of you.
No, I don’t feel obliged to find cure for cancer, as a justification for not being a parent.
Yes, but you see, unlike humans, animals and plants can’t think.
No, my mother would be horrified to be a known “Grandma”
Serious.
I’ve come up with a new response after seeing a calendar fully of funny sayings in my local bookshop. “I chose dogs instead of kids. I decided to ruin my furniture, not my life.” It shuts people up pretty quickly, they usually find an excuse to make a quick getaway such as “Oh there’s Sally I haven’t seen her for a while, excuse me”.
I’ve updated the post.Oxy, those were even better than mine! I’ll add others as they come.
@feh – added yours too.
@kat – even worse on almost every social networking site, people persist in introducing them selves on their profiles as “proud father of 4″ or “devoted mom to three fantastic girls…” On their BUSINESS profiles!?!?
Another one..? “No, I am not gay” (With all due respect to those who are..)
I have yet to see a business card with the number of kids mentioned, but I get already annoyed by all the people who put a picture of their kid on their Facebook profile for example. Posing with your kid, I can totally understand. Putting a picture of him/her/them in lieu of yours means to me you don’t have any personality/interests besides being a mom/dad and I don’t want to socialize with you!
Nice idea, Britgirl! Let’s see. . .
No, I won’t be changing my mind.
No, my biological clock won’t start ticking.
No, I don’t think it’s any of your business!
Britgirl: Thanks again:)
I could have used one of these cards this past weekend. My husband and I were at a neighbors for a small gathering. I was talking to a friend of my neighbor whom I had just met. She, of course, asked if we had kids. I smiled and said “No”. She tilted her head and then looked at me quizzically, paused and then said, “You know you can always adopt”. I said, “Yes I could, if that was of interest to me”. She got really nervous and then excused herself and walked over to the other side of the room.
Forgive the mini-rant that follows, but can I just say, the hubris of some people blows my mind! The idea that someone who just met me feels that it’s okay to comment on my reproductive life is simply outrageous. I’m at a social gathering enjoying myself and within five minutes of meeting me she has summed me up as a human being, decided I must be infertile (or I would have kids) and then given me advice on what I can do about it. Beyond the rudeness, how about the stupidity! Was it really likely that I had never heard about adoption? I also resent the fact that here I am cruising along a happy camper and someone tries to point out some life deficit that they think I have based on their own world view, in an attempt to what? Give me food for thought, wipe the smile off of my face, make me feel inadequate? I have friends who’ve known me for over a decade who don’t ask me when/if I’m having children, yet random people feel they should comment.
The irony is that I later found out through the neighborhood grapevine that this same person has two teen-aged kids, one who cuts herself, and one who is on anti-psychotic medication. This reaffirms my belief that those who rudely and persistently question the child-free choice and/or try to demonize the child-free are unhappy themselves and are simply projecting that unhappiness by trying to bring someone else down. Is the thought process, “Well my kids might have severe problems, but at least I have kids?” Or “I might be unhappy, but I have something you don’t have so that makes me feel better for the moment”.
One thing that I’ve learned in my time on the planet, happy people simply don’t judge other peoples life choices.
When I next meet this woman in a social gathering, should I comment on how horribly stressful and heart wrenching it must be to have two disturbed children? And, if she could turn back the clock would she rather have not had them? Or how about, “Geez, you must not have been cut out for motherhood or your kids wouldn’t be so messed up?” or, “Wow, what a gene pool you passed on!” Of course not, because unless she asks for my opinion, what goes on in her life is none of my business.
To the rudesters of the world , my child-free card would say, “Kindly, tend your own garden. Thank you.”
I got a “vote for me” letter from some dude running for some county election role yesterday. It listed his children along with their ages on the heading, like before the text, before “Dear friend, my name is bla bla bla…” Um, hello. You spawned a litter of 5 and you think I want YOU running things? So that what, I can pay more taxes for schools I don’t use and see that your qualifications are “chauffeur” and “idiot who’s broke?” No thanks.
hmm…. I had a family member tell me that “If you don’t have kids then you’re nothing”… I had absolutely no response since none could come to mind… and none of the childfree card’s responses match that statement 100%… are there any ideas for that
?
by the way, I think that the childfree card is a great idea
all the other questions and statements my husband and I have gotten are totally on the card’s list!
Pineapplesauce, you can give them a version of ’speak for yourself’, like “well, maybe YOU would be nothing without kids, but I have a very full life!”
Lee, what an interesting story. I think the main reason I don’t get bingoed by my boyfriend’s mother is that her only daughter had a grandchild out of wedlock, and MIL wound up raising the boy for her because she has had pscyhological/emotional issues through most of her life. MIL’s youngest son, the bf’s younger brother, is gay, a very, very big issue with the parents, and her oldest, my bf, refused to follow his father’s footsteps into the military or any other governmental job (the police, the postal service) and is now making twice as much as his father ever did at a software company. Not one of them turned out to want the life she hoped they would.
There are so many examples — too many to even count — of people (including parents) who don’t get along with and don’t even LIKE their children/siblings as people. Having kids is a big game of roulette. People assume their children will carry on where they left off, but as often as that may happen, kids decide they want nothing of their parents’ life and values and go in another direction.
I wonder how many people would unquestioningly fall into line as parents if they knew there was a 50-50 chance their children would grow up doing exactly the OPPOSITE of what the parents take for granted as right and good?
pineapple sauce, I think, when a person says “If you don’t have kids, you are nothing” should just get the truth, “You are a hurtful, unfeeling, deluded monster who should never have access to children, ever.” Seriously, you shouldn’t care what people that rude think of you, and you should be glad you now know to avoid them in the future.
A response I give that either amuses or horrifies people…
When people say “it’s different when they’re your own,” I normally say “yes, you’re right. If they’re my own, when I eventually snap and ram the little bugger’s head in a blender, then I can blame post-natal depression. The difference is that if they weren’t mine, I would just be a monster but if they were mine I can blame my illness for murdering them and maybe get a lighter sentence. ”
I find that this response goes a long way in shutting people up, especially if they don’t know me and my slightly twisted sense of humour all that well and think that I may well be a secret psychopath. :p
firefly–Isn’t it interesting and a little sad that people are so quick to judge when we know that quite obviously all the people who are choosing to be parents just aren’t cut out for it. As an extreme example, I believe that all of the people currently incarcerated in the penal system had parents!
You make an excellent point about choosing to have children being a game of roulette. Even the most dedicated parents with the best intentions cannot always overcome nature with their nurturing, as you have pointed out with your example. I watched a very sad documentary on autism recently and one of the parents (who was crying) said that one day when his autistic son ran out of their home near the ocean, he almost hoped he had drowned because the boy is unknowable and unreachable and will always need some sort of care for the rest of his life. I have a friend who has TWO autistic children and she has to plan for some sort of life long care for them as they will never be able to work or be fully integrated into society. She’s an incredibly brave and strong woman, but I’m sure this was not what she had envisioned.
I’m not sure what the background story is of the woman whose primary topic of party small talk is children and how everyone should have them, but I’m guessing she didn’t think things would turn out the way they did for her either, but notice she didn’t share the info about her children with me. And quite frankly I have a really hard time believing that anyone (outside of my immediate family and close friends) really spends a whole lot of time caring how happy I am or what makes me happy. That said, it makes me wonder about all the judging and curiosity about my personal life from random people. I am especially amused when I read posts on message boards having to do with parenting versus non-parenting. The level of anger that some parents have for non-parents seems very bizarre to me. So many people get put in bins as somehow inadequate for not having children without any thought to what they do have in my life that makes me happy. And the very real fact that different things make different people happy. The idea that a parent’s happiness is somehow superior to yours or mine is just ridiculous and a little pathetic. Why the need to one-up everyone you come in contact with? And the really funny thing is these types of people never stop. Oh, so you do have kids? Well, then they compare their kids to your kids! Theirs are undoubtedly smarter, cuter, more athletic, higher achieving etc. I can’t believe that anyone who plays that comparison game with life will ever be truly happy. As studies have shown, and we know, happiness is not a steady stream experience for anyone, we have moments when it burns brightly and for the remainder of the time, if we are lucky, we will be content with our lives and the choices we’ve made. Only insecure people try to make others feel that their choices were/are poor.
Pinapplesauce–I agree with feh, how can someone who claims to care about you say something so hurtful? You might ask them that! I come from a big family. I have three sometimes nosy, overly opinionated sisters whom I love dearly. We have a line that we use jokingly with each other whenever one of us is giving unsolicited advice, “Funny, I don’t recall asking for your opinion”–always said with a smile. This can work like a charm in with any number of inappropriate people and their opinions.
Wanted to add:
For Pineapplesauce and all childfree– I thought I’d share an inspirational quote by Erich Fromm from his book “The Art of Being”. He was not writing about the childfree specifically, but certainly appropriate!
“If other people do not understand our behavior–so what? Their request that we must only do what they understand is their attempt to dictate to us. If this is being “asocial” or “irrational” in their eyes so be it. Mostly they resent our freedom and our courage to be ourselves. We owe nobody an explanation or an accounting as long as our acts do not hurt or infringe on them.”
Fromm goes on to say, “How many lives have been ruined by this need to “explain” which usually implies that the explanation be “understood,” i.e., approved. Let your deeds be judged and from your deeds your real intentions, but know that a free person owes an explanation only to him/herself–to his reason and his conscience–and to the few who may have a justified claim for explanation.”
Pineapplesauce–Perhaps you want to ask your family member what his intentions are in judging you so harshly. Tell him you sleep fine at night. Does he?
Just thought I’d share a wonderful example of ‘entitle-breed’ that I came across today on a horsey (ie TOTALLY unrelated to kids) forum today.
Horsey (and agricultural) gals deal with shit every day of their lives and are therefore less than impressed when somebody claims that changing a dirty nappy is The Hardest Job In The World (even if they have kids).
Anyhoo, somebody pointed out that they do not appreciate it when some kid takes their temper out on their pony (which happens, I’ve seen it) and their parents not only condone their actions, bur rush to their pwecious’ defence if anybody dares to challenge them! WTF? You don’t mistreat animals, FULL STOP, no matter what age you are. I would rush to the defence of an animal before I did a child – sorry, that’s harsh, but it’s the truth.
All the entitle-moos came out in force, claiming that ‘you can’t challenge other people’s parenting styles’. I’m sorry?! If somebody was knifing somebody else in the street, I would challenge their ’social styles’!
But apparently we’re not allowed to say anything to parents because we don’t have any children and therefore we don’t understand. Like a lack of experience disallows anybody an opinion – I hunt, but I understand that other people choose not to and/or find it cruel – I’m perfectly willing to engage in a discussion about this with them without decrying that they cannot possibly have any views because they haven’t experienced it!
Christ, people are stupid. *rolls eyes*
Nothing without kids? Most idiotic thing I ever heard.
CF are challenged every day about who we are and about the choices we made. Parents contiune the path they always followed, simply continue to be the same jerk they always been, but pull the parent-card when they feel righteous to defend their stand. “Dont come and tell me ANYTHING….because I have a CHILD..!!”..Redicilous..
Erich Fromm, great quotes.
Thank you everyone for all the constructive advice! It’s wonderful to have found a blog/forum like this filled with supportive and like minded people!
Not to completely go off topic, but did anyone else almost fall of their pedicure massage chair (ok, that was just me) when E! revealed that the woman who had octuplets last week was already a single mother! Of six! and that she was living with her parents! Ha ha ha ha ha! So, wait, by the rationale of someone’s cousin, I am nothing since I can’t stand children, then this welfare ho is what, exactly? I mean, she has a litter of 14 illegitimate children who will all now be on welfare, that’s what, 15 people, plus her poor parents will be joining them as well – 17? Wow, I guess i am nothing… nothing taxing on other people, the government, society, the jails…. Having children as a reason and explanation of one’s existence is pathetic. If we are the sum of what comes out of our um, privates, I don’t want to know how the value is calculated (weight? frequency?). Besides, then according to the hierarchy, roaches, hamsters and fruit flies are waaay above even the most prolific humans. How ignorant and sad that someone produced nothing and has nothing to show for their life except a depleted bank account, saggy breasts and gray hair.
“One thing that I’ve learned in my time on the planet, happy people simply don’t judge other peoples life choices. ”
I just have to comment on this sentence, Lee, it’s absolutely brilliant! Spot on!
Earlier this week, the pastor of my church was telling the youth pastor and I about an acquaintance of his that has six kids. I about to say, “That’s six kids too many”, when he chuckled, “Well it says in the Bible to be fruitful, multiply, and fill the earth. My wife and I haven’t yet, so I guess we’re being disobedient.” “Well, I’m being disobedient,” I cracked. Both the youth pastor and the pastor are aware that I’m childfree. They just gave me odd grins.
Pineapplesauce, to “If you don’t have kids then you’re nothing” you can answer (and this would work better if the other person is a X-tian) : So that means Jesus was nothing too? Jesus was CF.
Og217:
Yes, the octuplet mother is a bloomin’ idiot, IMO, as the expression goes where I come from!
I read that she had fertility treatments, but didn’t “expect to have that many babies”. Why the hell would you have fertility treatments if you already have six kids?? What, six isn’t enough? Her fertility seemed just fine the other half-dozen times around! It’s nice that she will make her own parents help caring for all this litter of kids, isn’t it?
This was just plain irresponsible foolishness, and unfortunately, as they grow older, the children will be the ones to suffer.
My husband and I were recently married, and we have decided to be CF. I am more against the kids then he. I think that if something ever happened to me, that he would probably have kids with the next wife, so I can’t say that he’s completely against having children. Either way, he says that he supports my decision and would rather be happy in our relationship then miserable with someone else and have kids. I believe that he means that but I’m worried that he’s going to crumble under the pressure of his family. They are all in the baby phase as his sister just had twins and his mom wants more grandchildren. Everytime we are around them they start with the baby questions. I’ve been polite for the last 8 months of this, but I’ve grown tired of hearing it at every event. It’s not just the mention of kids, but we get it from everyone there and it goes on for hours! As if that’s not enough, apparently his mom hated her other son’s wife because she didn’t want children, and at the first sign of weakness in their marriage, she ground into him that he was giving up his chance at happiness. Since that conversation, the brother has gotten divorced which I’m happy to say that there were other problems and not just the mother. Either way, I’m not looking forward to the aftermath once she finds out about our choice. The card will come in handy this weekend, so thanks for the post!!
I should probably add to the “if something ever happened to me” comment I meant accident, sudden death, etc.
Also, in telling my own mother about the decision, she was less than supportive. She said that she was afraid that it would “wreck my marriage”. She had 3 kids, 2 failed marriages, multiple jobs to pay for her kids even with child support, daily migraines – which she has since told me that she had thought about suicide at the time because she was so stressed and in pain, and she was never what I would call “motherly” or really interact with any of us. So, my take is that she still had “wrecked marriages” and was left holding the baggage, and even wanted to kill herself. That’s the good thing about old age because it makes you forget about your past.
Either way, she continues to give me her opinions about my having children and how it will be different when they are mine – if I hear that one more time!!
This is a great list! I suppose it’s only natural that all those “When are you having kids??” questions would arise if you consider that those who WANT children offer all of that information without being asked.
“We’re trying.”
“We’re going to start trying next year.”
“We want two kids.”
“We already have their names picked out, and we’re not even pregnant!”
“We’re getting treatments.”
“Bob has a low sperm count, you know, so…”
“My uterus hurts because it’s empty.”
Maybe the assumption is that the information just belongs in public…?
I find the general idea of “his mom / my mom wants grandchildren” totally bizarre as a comment. So??? I used to be told that “There are children starving in Africa” when I didn’t want to finish dinner. How is that relevant? If his mom or my mom want babies, they can go and adopt a baby. If they want to visist someone twice a year for an hour to go “coochie coochie coo” I’m sure a deal can be brokered with a neighbor or a cousin or something. Who the hell cares what other people want you to have or to do 24/7/365/30? It’s a ridiculous imposition and completely none of anyone’s business. I got something like that from my mother, “what about us, what about what we want?” I just looked at her and said that what she wants wasn’t a factor in the decision. I mean, it wasn’t to be harsh or to be a bitch, but really it’s a bit presumptuous to think that my whole entire life can be put up for a democratic vote. They chose to have children, but it wasn’t a “deal.” I as a child didn’t broker some pact where if they have me, I solemnly swear to do a, b, and c. They may feel “owed” something, and I think they are – support when they are older, etc. but they are certainly not owed grandchildren. The idea is absurd.
Crazy ML – WHY are you putting up with that crap from them? Tell them where to get off. It’s your life – YOUR choice. But it’s also your choice to tell them to put up or shut up. Sorry, but it is. What THEY want is irrelevant as og17 says. Tell then unless they stop whingeing on about having kids they won’t see you at any further events. And then STICK TO YOUR GUNS. At the end of the day the choice of what we put up with is ours.
Exactly! Act as appalled as you rightfully are and should be that someone thinks they can tell you to get disgustingly fat, poor, miserable, and ruin your marriage and future, and actually insist that they have a say here. I think a sneering “Excuuuuse me?” and a long stare with a look of horror and disgust is the only proper response.
Love the cards idea! Imagine the shock if you handed one of them to someone to shut them up.
When I get interrogated, I often just come straight out with it: “nope. we don’t have or want kids. We’re happy just the way we are.”
It’s interesting to see the responses I get. Of course, many are of the usual negative/shocked variety. But the most interesting response I ever got was from a coworker who replied, “No WONDER you don’t have any wrinkles!”
(That one tickled me)
MAybe also in response to “Are you really happy without children,” we can all say “OF COURSE we’re happy – we DON”T HAVE CHILDREN! Yippee!”
So, does that mean that single parents get to ask for a “Single Parent” card? Or, how about parents with children with severe disabilities/disorders etc…? Do they get a card too? You’ve made a choice, surely you can live with the consequences…
El Guappa – your point is what, exactly? I find your question irrelevant – since this post and the comments are about A CHILDFREE card – not parents (single or otherwise) or children (disabled or otherwise).
Great list – love it. But … so very many “we’s” in it. So subtly less useful for childfree singles who tend to get a double-whammy from thoughtless folks? Would love to see a list equally well oriented to single childfrees.
@Clowy – So go ahead and adapt it or write one for singletons.