Got to love the Onion for nailing it. A reader sent me this link and of course I had to share it with you. I still laugh when I read it. This is one of those stories that say it all.
This is the happiest day of my life lies man holding baby
Now there will of course be men who are overjoyed at the coming of baby – but that’s usually before they find out what it’s really like. In fact, just last week a male friend of mine called me…
Me: “Hey, how are you?And how’s little Baby”
Him: “ She just doesn’t seem to know the word “sleep.” nightime is playtime. We’re exhausted, sleep deprived…”
Me: “Awww. And just think it’s just early days…”
Him: “The Docs said it gets easier…”
Me, confidently: “They lied.”
Him: “They lied.”
We both laughed. They do have a happy baby albeit a sleepless one, and their case is somewhat different since it was a preemie birth. But, well, they wanted a baby.
But back to our onion guy… some really funny bits:
“PASADENA, CA—Looking out at a sea of expectant faces, new father Dan Rudloff commemorated the birth of his daughter, Elizabeth, by holding the small, vulnerable child in his arms and blurting out a series of lies and half-truths about how happy he was at that moment.”
“Realizing he was now forever tethered to this utterly helpless new life, responsible for its shelter, upbringing, education, safety, and all related expenses for the next 18—or, perhaps more accurately, 25—years, Rudloff rattled off a series of patently false pleasantries about being overjoyed with his new baby girl. The 32-year-old property manager even managed to form his lips into the strained approximation of a smile, despite suffering through near-constant visions of dropping the fragile baby or accidentally squishing her delicate internal organs with his clumsy, brutish hands.”
Nevertheless, Rudloff continued to grasp for more happy words to conceal his trepidation at not being able to casually leave the house for the next 13 years without making provisions for his daughter.
“This is so…,” said Rudloff, thinking “nightmarish nightmarish nightmarish” as tears began to well in his eyes. “I never thought this day would actually come. I’m—I’m speechless.”
Thus fulfilling the first of thousands upon thousands of new fatherly obligations, Rudloff posed for a picture.
“Though not a habitual liar, Rudloff has skirted the truth to meet social expectations on previous occasions. Late last year, he expressed gratitude to his mother-in-law after receiving a Scottish sweater for Christmas; and from the ages of 14 to 16, he feigned an interest in playing JV football.”
Just think, no more childfreedom for Rudloff. And I wonder if he knows his wife’s already going to turn into an angry mommie…anytime from.. er now. Ha!
Goodluck Rudluff. Your new life awaits!
Thanks Test Awhile for sending me this link. I hope everyone enjoys it as much as I still do.
Technorati Tags: childfreedom
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Too…fucking…funny…
I don’t normally like the Onion, but that was spot on. I’ve never believed that most people are really happy when they hold their new child. It’s more of a “let’s make the best of it” situation.
I kept thinking of things like post natal depression when reading it (yes, I know, cheerful, ain’t I?), and even the new “pre natal” depression that I read about in the Daily Mail. How much of that misery is just reality sinking in like it did for the guy holding a baby?
I wonder if, except for those who have really, really wanted to be parents for a very long time, the first look at the baby is more “Holy shit, what now?” than it is, “Woohoo!”?
…nonsequitor…
On the Today Show this morning there was a clip of an interview with Sarah Palin’s daughter, the teen with the baby. She was asked, “Do you know anything about raising a child?”
Who DOES know anything about raising a first child? What an idiot question.
Hi Britgirl et al!
The Onion *rules*! (Just my personal opinion, of course…but I have somewhat of a warped sense of humor, or so I’ve been told…)
I think the Onion must have at least one childfree staff writer, because they have produced quite a few dead-on articles about the myth of parental happiness and all.
I can imagine seeing a newborn of my own for the first time would fill me with an overwhelming sense of responsibility and a “world on my shoulders” feeling. It’s probably a difficult feeling to grasp and to describe in those first few moments, and that’s possibly what people mistake for “joy”. That, and people today have been conditioned to think that having a baby is the most wonderful experience in the world, so new parents probably also try to make their emotions fit into the “mold” society has given them. If they do feel any apprehension, fear, or anxiety, they talk themselves into believing it’s really just overpowering joy.
That was hilarious! Thanks for sharing it, Britgirl. My favorite quote: “…accidentally squishing her delicate internal organs with his clumsy, brutish hands.” Of course, I’m a horror writer so squishing internal organs is right up my alley!
apparently, a lot of the writers for the onion are childfree.
Has anyone else here ever wanted to just blurt out, “I don’t believe you!” when faced with a case of the new parent swooning? Sometimes the disconnect between actions and words is almost laughable. The husband of the couple I know who were looking for immediate daycare for their newborn kept sending around daily batches of smiling pics of him complete with editorial about the “overwhelming feelings”. Truly sick making. BUT, behind the scenes daddy is encouraging his wife who just had a C-section to get in a car with “adorable baby” and drive 7 hours to her mother’s so he (daddy) can sleep at night. Funny thing about those babies, they cry frequently. Just couldn’t wait to get that little sucker out of the house. I guess the feelings were overwhelming but not in a good way.
Lee
I have started just saying “I don’t believe you” to the bingos about how awesome it is to be a parent. Mostly because in the minutes before the bingo pops out, they’re complaining about how “haaaard it is”.
Listen, people have been reproducing for hundreds, if not thousands, of years. By now, ANYONE with a modicum of sense should be able to guess that raising children is difficult, time consuming and noisy. If you have a child, only to be surprised by this well known fact, you shouldn’t have had a child in the first place.
And yes, many of The Onion writers are child free. I know several of them as that publication started in my home town.
feh,
Hats off to you for your honesty! How did the unhappy parents respond to your statement of disbelief? I’ve not gotten that far with anyone. I’m still working with smiling at them and nodding as if they just announced that they recently returned from a lost weekend on Mars. Sort of a “There, there now. Just take your meds and you’ll be fine” look.
I guess once the deed is done there is a certain amount of justifying the choice to procreate as in most cases the new addition isn’t going to the mother-in-laws until it learns to stop crying. There are no returns, refunds or exchanges, so best to suck it up and try to convince yourself and the rest of the world that you didn’t make a mistake. I’ve noticed in cases where the anger towards me for not having a child is palpable it’s usually a misdirection ploy. They try to put the focus on me being somehow deficient so we don’t get into conversations about how much their lives SUCK! I once had a former colleague (mother of one IVF and one adopted) ask me in a harassed and bitter tone, (angry mom) “What are you waiting for???” re: why I hadn’t had children yet, since “I wasn’t getting any younger”. I told her that I was waiting for hell to freeze over. End of that charming conversation. Sometimes I wonder why I speak to people with children at all. So dreary. In retrospect, I probably should have asked her what she’s waiting for to be happy. I guess that would be when the little darlings leave the nest. That is, if her husband hasn’t divorced her by then for being such a boring mega-bitch.
there are millions of “Dans” all over the world, and one in a million will admit he is one.
there is always a shame and stigma in naming things as they are, and not as popular zeitgeist defines them to be.
Of course the daddy can celebrate for now being a fully accepted member of society (i.e. now he has the same problems as the people around him). But what sane man would celebrate sleepless nights, baby-screams, dirty diapers, feedings, tantrums, financial insecurity, angry-wife etc..etc…??
The world is not in lack of people.