I like nothing better than to promote childfree articles and posts I find on other blogs. I came across this post by Childfreedom and thought I just have to re-blog it so more people can read and comment on it. Thanks Childfreedom for:
I think this is a must-read.
Do we as childfree people tend to explain away our childfree-dom? We are courageous in taking the different path, a path that’s often sneered at, criticized and demeaned by society, friends, colleagues and, yes, even family. I can’t think of a tv program (not that I watch it much anyway) where a man or woman who doesn’t have children isn’t portrayed as secretly pining for one. In our everyday dealings at work and at play we can almost count the seconds before the intrusive and predictable questions begin – you know, the bingoes. We have to have our responses ready, and we often feel we have to defend our choice not to pro-create. It’s true we are in the minority. But for online blogs, like this and others, I doubt I’d even know any other childfree people. Even on Twitter, and other Social Networking sites – where I am in a business capacity – and where one is supposed to “ be yourself” we’re presented with profiles pronouncing “proud father of 5” or proud mom to 4 adorable… girls” as if somehow that’s a business profile.
So back to the post on Childfreedom. It is indeed a childfree declaration. Have you ever made one? I haven’t. Yet, as I read this it actually made me reflect on the reasons I am childfree…. because it’s right for me, I prefer it, and I like being childfree.
I thought back to my own interactions when presented with the typical bingoes. While I don’t explain my childfreedom away as a character defect (thank goodness) – my stock response is usually “we just chose not to have children”.
However I have on occasion caught myself adding “being childfree doesn’t mean I don’t like children, I do – sometimes” and then feeling like kicking myself. I should not even have to add any qualifiers. I know why I add them of course – because I know for some the word “childfree” or even the notion of not wanting to have kids is synonymous with “doesn’t like children.” The qualifiers are there to “soften and appease.” Why? I’ve mentally made myself a promise that I will no longer add any qualifiers when I say I am childfree. We seem to be forever trying to fit things into the childed’s terms of reference (consciously or not) and it is never reciprocated. Worse, we subtly downplay our own choices and all the effort and greatness that comes with it and that are uniquely ours.
Childfreedom makes a really good point about some of the reasons childfree people do give, and yes, including dishy George Clooney. Here are some:
- Not being good parent material
- Not having “what it takes…”
- Not being “selfless” enough – or being “too selfish”
- Lacking some inherent “mommy” gene that elevates having children above all else
In other words… “not good enough” to parent. Whenever we do this, we put ourselves down and subconsciously raise the status of child-having a notch higher. I can think of plenty of people who should never have become parents.
Childfreedom says:
“For once, I would like to hear a childfree person stand up proudly and tell the truth instead of soft-pedaling and dishing out what they think people can stomach. For once, tell them how great childfreedom is, how we’re not childfree because we lack some elusive qualities, but because we are blessed with an abundant ability to think for ourselves and choose wisely. “
Her declaration of childfree honesty is one I wholly agree with myself…here are some excerpts quoted from her article… go over to her blog and read the entire post and add your comments. You might even want to create your own declaration, but even if you don’t, even thinking about why we are childfree is very powerful.
Here are some of Childfreedom’s excerpts – Quoted:
“I am childfree because I think parenthood is the most over-rated and over-glorified brainwashing scam human beings have ever fallen prey to.
“I do not think having a child makes a person selfless and I am keenly aware of the selfishness that motivates people to have children.”
“I choose not to have children because I think the childfree life is preferable, not because I don’t have what it takes to be a good parent. Over the years, many have told me I would make a great mom and evaluate me as “mom material”….I treat children with respect and kindness and I bring out the best in them. I enjoy their company, but I don’t need to have them around me 24/7 in order to feel I have a purpose in life. I have come to realize that I enjoy children precisely because I am not a parent.”
“I do not perceive reproduction and childbirth as a “miracle”, nor do I see it as an accomplishment, although most parents enjoy thinking of it this way for obvious reasons. Reproduction is a biological function common to all living beings and frankly, it’s so ordinary.”
It is. Every living thing does it, yet, somehow it’s been elevated to being the major achievement of womanhood, something that’s always puzzled me.
The truth is…
“You will never hear me say, “I’m too selfish to have kids”, “I wouldn’t make a good mom”, “I am lacking all those wonderful qualities that parents have” because if I did, it would be a load of horseshit. The truth is, I have plenty of wonderful qualities, am no more selfish than the next person, and would make a great mom if I chose to be one. I choose not to be one because I am happier just the way I am.”
Couldn’t have put it better myself.
OK, over to you – what do you think?Do you think we downplay our reasons for being childfree to fit other people’s world views? What’s your childfree declaration? You may already have one but never really articulated it as a declaration… does this make you feel any different?
Don’t forget to visit Childfreedom and leave a comment on her post – the soap-box awaits!
{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }
I am childfree because I want to have a different life than those who chose to have children. The end.
and for a laugh, here’s an excerpt from last week’s popbitch, about the octomom:
—————————————————-
New on breakfast menus – the OctoMom Omelette.
It has 14 eggs, no sausage and the guy next to you
gets to pay for it.
————————————————–
*giggle*
In “How to (not) Have Children” I explore this subject in the chapter “Accept your disinclination toward motherhood,” and more generally throughout by insisting there’s no need to explain anything.
Do you think we downplay our reasons for being childfree to fit other people’s world views? I think some do, and some don’t. What’s your childfree declaration? I don’t want ‘em. You may already have one but never really articulated it as a declaration… does this make you feel any different? No. Never understood people’s need to declare things. What I do need only be approved by ME.
Childfreedom rocks to the power ot 10! Those thoughts and feelings could not have been echoed better. I am honest when I state my reasons for my childfreedom. It isn’t because I would not make a good parent (I know I would), nor is it because of the environment, nor because of some hereditary issues (there are no significant ones for me)…it is merely because I have zero interest and lack of desire to be a parent. And I simply state it so. I was having a discussion with my aunt about this recently, and she brought to my attention that other family members were analyzing my reasons for not wanting children. They are always bringing up reasons for my not wanting children, because apprarently they cannot grasp the simple concept of ‘one simply not having the desire to parent’. I did in the past try to justify my reasons, but no more. If people can’t accept the truth, that’s their issue to contend with, not mine. I’ve said it before and I will say it again, loud and clear: “I don’t have children because I am not interested in being a parent nor the lifestyle that goes with parenting. It does not appeal to me in any way. I am childfree because this is the life I purposely chose to make me happy and fulfiiled.”
Britgirl, thank you for posting this article.
You know what? This article made me realize that is exactly what I have been doing: putting myself down to appease parents and be PC. No more of that for me! I will be more assertive without giving explanation. And if someone insists, I’ll ask them to justify why they have kids. I noticed though that cf people are more frowned upon in the US and probably in the English speaking provinces (is it just an impression or a reality?). I’m in Quebec and I rarely get asked why I don’t have kids. Last time it happened, it was at a wedding last year. We were unlucky enough to be seated with new mothers. Otherwise, people just ask IF we have any and then just change the topic. Anyhow, thanks for the link!
Even on Twitter, and other Social Networking sites – where I am in a business capacity – and where one is supposed to “ be yourself” we’re presented with profiles pronouncing “proud father of 5” or proud mom to 4 adorable… girls” as if somehow that’s a business profile
____________________________________________________________________
Yes, but if/when a cf’er mentions that they don’t have or want kids it is common to hear, “Well, that’s fine but why do they have to tell the whole world? They’re protesting too much. If you don’t want them don’t have them….nobody cares”. Ah, the irony. Like everyone else really gives a rat’s ass that you are a mommy of 4 or that your kids and your money go to UVA or whatever. Or that your kid is an honor roll student. Or that you are a Christian. Or that you voted for Obama or McCain. Why is it permissible for parents to tell the world they are parents as if anyone else really cares but we are being obnoxious if we do the same? Maybe cf’ers DO want to advertise so they can meet up with like minded folks. It would be great if we all worse signs so we’d know who to stay away from.
I really don’t care what a person thinks of my choice to not have children, and will only “justify” myself if pressed, annoyed or if I’m questioned in a rude manner. It’s my life, and as long as I’m not inflicting myself on others, I have the right to live it as I see fit.
However, like Ms. Ogre, I may have to turn the tables once in a while and question their decisions to have children. Seems to me that choice is rarely as well thought through as the one to NOT breed.
I guess I am one of those people who never felt the need to qualify why I have chosen not to have children. I tell people in no uncertain terms that I simply have no desire to have children. That i have no desire to throw all my money away raising another person. I would rather travel, go out and have fun, and just live life with no tie downs. So many people say it is selfish to not have children. HUH??!!?? Can someone please explain how it is selfish to NOT add another life to the world, not add another huge burden on to the ecosystem? And can someone explain to me how it is NOT selfish to have children? As a matter of fact, anytime this comes up in a discussion i challenge everyone to give me ONE reason to have a child that is NOT selfish or implausible (meaning “my kid might cure cancer some day” statistics show that odds are FAR greater that your child will be a sociopath mass murderer than a Nobel prize winner). To this day, not a single person has EVER been able to give me a solid reason. Of course we know what the response is after they can’t come up with a reason. They get all huffy, call me selfish, and try to explain all the great things they get to do having children etc etc etc. I just laugh knowing that I will always be able to do greater and better things than soccer practice, school plays, and field trips.
I’m guilty as charged, I’m afraid. It’s just easier to play it off as a ‘excentric quirk’ and present yourself as a ‘lovable oddball’, if you know what I mean. Maybe I am an oddball, but not because I’m childfree. In fact, I think I’d make a great mom, I just don’t want to. There. I said it!
I’m childfree because I feel no desire to have kids. I love my lifestyle and all the time I can spend doing sports, reading, sleeping, travelling, getting courses about whatever interests me at the moment.
I would get bored to death if I had to follow a kid’s soccer game or drawing lesson or whatever. And I do not want to have to associate with other people just because being childed would be something we have in common.
P.S. I actually do not think I’d make a good mom. Just as I would not make a good teacher. I do not have half the patience it takes.
When I’ve been pressed about it in the past, usually with people attempting to give me that get out clause of saying “is it because you don’t think you’ll make a good parent?” I respond with “No, it’s because I want to retain my body and continue to fuck my husband at a moment’s notice”. It normally shuts them up. I’m not going to placate or appease people who think I’m defective. If they don’t have to justify their reason for having children, then I feel I’m entitled to give such a blunt answer.
If they have the audacity to press further I tell them that my work is far more important and that I simply don’t want them. It’s amazing just how many people don’t seem to let go by that point and still want me to admit that there’s something wrong with me. If someone needs that so much, then maybe there’s something wrong with them and not the person they’re questioning?
I am not looking forward to being called on my CF status. Thankfully, only my Mom is aware of my choice and comments about it from time to time. I am 26 but I have a round face that makes me look younger…I don’t think people THINK to ask me if I’m having kids or not I think they assume I will want them when I get older. I think I will have to be careful not to fall into making excuses that make me seem lacking because honestly, I think I would make a great Mom! My fiancee would make a great father for that matter too. We still don’t want kids no matter how good a job we think we could do. I will remember Childfreedom’s post and I’ve bookmarked it now so I can read up on their blog too!
Reading this made me think. I do qualify myself when the question comes up. Always. I even have it in my Facebook profile: “I do not have and do not want children, but that doesn’t mean I’m a child-hater; I’m an unofficial aunt to several of my friends’ kids, and I like that role.” I have used the “too selfish” excuse a lot. I didn’t think about it the way it got explained in these posts, but it makes all too much sense.
Crumpet: I think what you say about the social networking sites and people always declaring their happy parentage is so true. That’s actually one reason I started reading the childfree blogs. When I joined Facebook, suddenly there were all these people I was just getting back in contact with who had kids, kids, kids! It felt like a slam in the face.
And I know I get bingoed far less than most of the readers here. All of my family knows they won’t get grandkids or grandnephews/nieces out of me (and I’m an only child, so there’s no sibling to shovel that “duty” off to), and it’s accepted and the cats are called “the grandcats.” I am very grateful for my family. And I’m grateful for my boyfriend’s family, who have also accepted it without question (though I think a lot of that is because they think my boyfriend wouldn’t want to be a father–they’re right). It’s only been with friends here and there that it’s been called into question. But I have always felt defensive. I’ve always been resolute in my response that no, I do NOT want kids, but I’ve always put in the qualifiers because I keep getting told over and over that I would make such a great mom. And I get some of the doth-protest-too-much, too, which may have a lot to do with my over-explaining things.
I’m going to try to stop doing that.
This is an excellent post, one that made me think more than any other so far.
Tried to find something smart to add.
Could only come up with: Guilty!
Loved this blog post.
I used to make excuses. As I’ve got older, I’ve come to realise that it’s nobody’s business but mine, and I don’t have to justify it to anyone.
That said though, I want to steal Kirsten’s line from the comments … “I do not want children. Period. Form your own conclusions. You will, anyway.” Because that’s SO true!
Ah well, who gives a rat’s a$$ …
Bravo to the original blogger and to britgirl! Great posts!
I don’t believe anyone should apologize for being who they are as long as what they do is not harmful to other living beings. I don’t dislike children, I probably like them in the same proportion as I do the adults that I meet–some are likable and some are not. I am an environmental activist, but that is not the reason why I choose to be child-free. I believe that we only have a limited time to pursue our passions in this life and I am simply not passionate about being a mother. There are so many other things that I would rather be doing with my time and so many other contributions that I believe I can make.
Also, while I can enjoy time with my nieces and nephews and my god-child, so much of parenting looks to me to be sheer drudgery.
I have to agree with Kirsten’s comments as well. People will form their own conclusions and usually (and thankfully) you won’t hear about them. What’s the saying, “Unless I’ve asked, what you think of me is none of my business.”
This is a great post. I try not to do this, but I’m sure I have. Usually when asked if I have kids, I leave it at “No” and move on (if they’ll let me). I haven’t had the opportunity to try this yet, but next time someone asks me why I don’t want kids, I’m going to ask them why they do/did want them.
“We seem to be forever trying to fit things into the childed’s terms of reference (consciously or not) and it is never reciprocated. ”
Hmmm… This is an excellent point. Even the word “childfree” orients us according to kids. Maybe we should come up with another term that doesn’t reference children. Not sure what that word should be… Perhaps “adult-centric”? I’m sure there’s something that would fit better, but I’m nearing hte end of my workday and can’t think of any!
I’m guilty.. But I’ve just vowed to myself that I will not let that happen again. I’m not a horrible person for not wanting kids. I’m just able to think outside the box.. Like Galileo. Having kids is on the same level as your body turning food into energy. Maybe if they went for a Biology class, they would realise how un-miracle-ish it really is. Never put yourselves down trying to explain your stance to the human multipliers again. Great article.
i like the idea ‘adult centric’ …sounds good.
Yes I have also been doing all of these things but I guess as you get older ( and of course by reading this blog) you develop a bit more confidence and I am more determined than ever to keep it simple. “No I dont have kids” end of story has worked for me a bit lately. But have to sometimes resort to “none of your business”. I realised that you do not have to justify your decision.
I will admit that I have often used the excuses mentioned. However, there is some truth in that I’d be a bad mother and that I have terrible genetics in my family. I just find children for the most part…dull. That or irritating after the first minute of thinking they are cute just to look at. The “I’d rather invest my time in other things than parenting” describes my own feelings to a tee.
As for mentioning your childfree status on social networking sites, I do so for two reasons: One because it shows the world that not all women dream of being mothers and I think that people should be made aware of that. I agree with what someone already said that the childfree choice should be taught in schools. Two because it seems to have stopped one heck of a lot of people asking me out who dream of families.
However on the downside, I seem to have sadly found myself sometimes attaracting guys who think that because I don’t want to be a mother to a child that I’d like to be a mother to them. No thank you.
I do sometimes use those excuses, mainly because it’s just easier than to start an argument with the moomies, who always seem to take offence. Obviously they’re much more patient and tactful and accepting than me!
What I’ve noticed, however, when I try to say something quickly to bring the conversation onto something more interesting for everyone, is that the breeders-not-parents always like to have a little dig. Like claiming sweetly that if I don’t think I’d make a good parent, if I don’t think I’d be patient and loving enough, then of course I shouldn’t do it.
Look, I know that I would make a perfectly adequate parent if I wanted to. I’d certainly be better than the woman who used this bingo while ignoring the fact that her two year old was going to run in front of a tram. (Some stranger stopped him.) I simply don’t want to.
People have various good and bad qualities that have absolutely nothing to do with whether or not they want or have children. Wanting children does not mean you’re selfless and giving, and not wanting them does not mean the opposite. So many people seem to use their children or planned children as a shorthand for various qualities, rather than actually trying to develop these qualities themselves. That’s why they need to convince themselves that those who don’t want children are somehow deficient.
It is the very definition of being proactive as defined in Stephen Covey’s, “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People”, where by the childfree reframe their lifestyle as a choice rather than a reaction to some deficit.
Instead of thinking “I’m childfree because I’m not X”, we should say “I have made the choice to be childfree”. It’s being proactive and to be encouraged.
Irishgirl–I couldn’t agree more! If every person who chooses to have a child was a mentally well balanced, selfless, nurturing, giving human being then the field of psychology would not exist. Ability/desire to reproduce has no correlation to aptitude for parenting. None.
I just wanted to add–I think those who like to take a poke at the child-free and make breathtakingly rude inquiries as to why they don’t have children are actually looking to legitimize their own choices. If I say, “Oh I didn’t have children because I wouldn’t make a good mother”, then it validates their thinking in a couple of areas:
1. The idea that they are superior beings, because the fact that they have children means they must be good mothers/parents (flawed logic as Irishgirl pointed out).
2. The childfree can’t/don’t have good lives because they are defective humans and therefore they didn’t make a mistake by having children because they are “normal” and that’s what normal people do.
I’ve noticed that when people ask me if I have children and I reply with a simple “No”, then there is always a pause while they wait for me to explain the big scary reason why not, which I don’t do because there isn’t one.
It’s obvious that some with children are very uncomfortable when they realize that they too had a choice, if only they were strong enough to make it. I refuse to take on their discomfort by trying to rationalize or justify my choice for their benefit.
Sister Dino – I like adult centric, good idea.
As for adding qualifiers when stating my childfreeness – totally guilty, I barely realised it before. Great post, got me thinking of some great retorts!
Lianne – I agree, I get thou-doth-protest-too-much bingo response which can get you stuck in a qualifying statements cycle. Or talking to empty-headed people who can’t realise the value of your arguments can get you stuck in the cycle too
. I can never walk away from a good debate, which people often take to mean wavering or unsure of my decision, rather than realising I really enjoy the intellectual jousting.
Irishgirl – I tend to be the one to react to those not-so-subtle digs, I need to work on that.
Dogess – Trying of thinking of ways we could get a letter campaign started to get the childfree option (and examples of successful people without children) taught in schools. Only problem is that the religious nutters would get up in arms, just like they do with sex ed, abortion, etc.
Wow thanks for sharing these insightful and thought provoking comments. I am so glad I saw Chldfreeedom’s post. They have reenforced my resolve never to qualify “I am childfree” again. And if people ask me why I don’t have kids my response will be “why do you?”
@Kristen – While I don’t feel the need to “declare” soapbox style my childfree ness, I think for many of us it’s a question of feeling it is ok to say we’re childfree without needing any qualifiers at all. Some are more confident than others on this.
It’s scary to think sometimes that but for childfree blogs and forums it would be hard for us to even be able to share these thoughts with like-minded people. We are surrounded by often false representations of “the way to be happy” i.e. children – even though there are more than enough examples of bad parenting, dysfunctional children and plain unhappiness. Being human we all fundamentally want acceptance – however the articles have highligthted that we don’t want it at the cost of putting ourselves and our choice down to make it palatable to parents. Not even if a celebrity does it.
This is totally in our hands.
@Crumpet – totally agree. On my business blog I have a list of “things about me” similar to my 100 things here. One of them reads “My husband and I don’t have kids. Our choice. And not up for discussion.” When it comes to social networking sites like Twitter I’ve thought many times about adding “and childfree.” But then I think – “what has my reproductive status have to do with business technology, networking, social media and marketing??” Answer? Not a think. So I end up not putting it up.
@Lee, Lurker, CFGrl and EVERYONE – thank you! Your conversation here and on the original blog post have really brought this topic alive. I know there are many childfree people who may be reading… hopefully they will draw confidence from this thread as well. I’m going to keep reading.
Thanks, britgirl, for featuring my blog post and for adding so much to the discussion…and thanks to your readers too! I’ve enjoyed reading all the comments posted here and on my blog.
I think the moral to the story is – when it comes time to talk about our childfreedom to others, it would benefit us to be positive about it. It’s something we’ve chosen. It’s something we embrace. It’s something wonderful. We are happier for choosing the CF life.
As a couple of your readers have said, putting ourselves down by saying things like “I am too selfish to be a parent”, “I am not parent material” and the like only reinforces peoples’ judgements that childfree people are selfish or defective in some way and that people who parent are superior.
It’s actually kinda fun to see the reactions I get when I proudly declare how awesome it is to be childfree. At first it freezes people in their tracks, but quickly they begin to nod their heads in agreement. The childfree lifestyle has a lot of great things going for it which nobody can deny. Who wouldn’t want to have a loving relationship with their partner/spouse where each partner receives the others’ full attention? Who wouldn’t want the time and energy to dedicate to meaningful adult friendships? Who wouldn’t want to get a full night’s sleep each night? Who wouldn’t want to fully pursue their hobbies, interests, career, education and travel without limitation? Who doesn’t want a financially comfortable retirement? Who wouldn’t like to choose any night of the week for date night, or any week of the year for a vacation? And speaking of vacation, who wouldn’t like to choose Venice or the French Riviera over Disney World?
I’ve written about this in my blog, but I’ve actually gotten several parents (I’d estimate about 10 altogether) to admit to me that if they had to do it all over again, they wouldn’t have children. What does that tell you?
Thanks again to britgirl and for all your comments and please feel free to stop over at Childfreedom…I welcome you all!
CFOverseas-I’d be up for signing any petition/sending a letter that advocates the teaching of the childfree choice in schools. Have you thought about perhaps setting up an e-petition? There are dedicated sites to this sort of things but I’ve never used one.
As for the religious nuts, anything bar singing hallellujah and praising their God offends them. Some fundie sites online are hysterical. They’re anti-sex ed yet want people to have lots of babies…hmmm.
Wow, looks like I am the only one here but I just don’t like children. I think they are draining and completely ruin everything – your body, your romance, your finances, furniture, vacations, creativity, holidays, etc. I am moving, and expect to have the obligatory getting-to-know-you questions to be asked often, with of course the inevitable ones. I planned my answer, and think I will reply that we don’t have children because my husband and I are simply too much in love, and then smile beautifically. Because really, it’s the truth – I wouldn’t impose a screeching brat and a fat, sexless, nagging me on my wonderful, amazing, fun and sexy husband! I don’t think anyone deserves that!
I listen to my collegues talk about no time for themselves and the effort it takes to raise a child. I just thank them and say I am taking notes.
The posts and comments in this blog is an inspiration.
og217 – you are not alone!
I was going to post something similar and then saw your comment. There are many reasons why I don’t want children (health issues, complete lack of maternal instinct, wanting to spend my time and money on more enjoyable pursuits) but ultimately, I don’t like children.
There. I said it.
I tend not to use the disliking children reason though when discussing my childfree choice as I know that would open another, even bigger, can of worms! But, I don’t pretend to like them either just to appease the questioner. Disliking children appears to be a step away from devil worship in some people’s eyes! ;o)
As I get older, I’ve come to realise that I am no better no worse than anyone else, just different. I tread a path less travelled but that makes the journey no less fulfilling.
Lee said this: I’ve noticed that when people ask me if I have children and I reply with a simple “No”, then there is always a pause while they wait for me to explain the big scary reason why not, which I don’t do because there isn’t one.”[end]
That very thing happened to me today! I was being asked some brief interview questions, many of which I remembered asking when I was a news writer. You know, spelling of name, age…
But then she asked, “Do you two have children?” (She was asking questions about a book I wrote, which was based on my husband’s deployment to Iraq.)
“No,” I said.
Pause.
“Do you have other children, like from before him?”
“No.”
Pause.
“Okay…” (next question)
The wait was actually kind of exciting. As much as I might have said earlier that I don’t need to declare my status and that it’s no one’s business but my own whether or why I don’t have children, I did feel this rising instinct to DEFEND. No words came close to sputtering out, but I certainly felt something in my stomach.
It kind of reminded me of the feeling I used to get skipping school, for some reason. Exciting, like I was being a rebel, independent without permission, but also like I’d better be prepared with a note.
og217 you’re certainly not alone, I can relate to many of the reasons you don’t like children.
I wouldn’t say I don’t like children, because some can be delightful… BUT they are about as rare as delightful adults.
There are plenty of childfree people who don’t like children and I don’t think it’s anything to be ashamed of.
What irritates me is when people ASSUME that you must hate children because you are childfree. People cannot wrap their minds around the idea that someone may like children and yet consciously choose not to have them.
I love animals – in fact I am kind to all creatures. I won’t even kill a bug. I’ll carry it outside to release it. Yet, I do not choose to have dogs as pets for many of the same reasons I don’t have kids. I don’t want to be tied down. Does this mean I hate dogs? No…I love them. I just don’t want the lifestyle that goes with them. Nobody gives me weird looks for not wanting a dog, but they can’t wrap their minds around not wanting to be tied down with kids.
Kristen…I love the pause. It’s fun to watch people squirm and all thrown off balance.
I also use the humor technique. When people ask me if I have kids, I say, “yes, 3 boys!” and of course they smile and oooh and ahhh and then I say, “cats”. And we both laugh and any awkwardness is diffused.
But depending on the mood, I might PREFER the awkward pause. Depends on my assessment of the other person – if I perceive them as a narrow-minded jerk, I’ll do the awkward pause. If they’re cool, I’ll do the humor.
I don’t like, skewer and roast them, or DO anything to children, but simply not liking children is some sort of a horrible thought crime, which is why I of course chicken out and not give that as a reason. But really, there are very few people I find delightful on a daily basis – just one, come to think of it, and even he has his moments, and certainly none who need me to wipe their nose, tie their shoes, and chauffeur them around as they demand twenty bucks, an ipod and a good night story.
Childfreeeee said:
“I think the moral to the story is – when it comes time to talk about our childfreedom to others, it would benefit us to be positive about it.”
I might add, as others have eluded, there’s really no reason to defend childfreedom at all. I don’t feel compelled to justify my position to others, so I don’t. I have a confidence when I speak about our decision that eliminates the need for follow-up interrogation. “We don’t want children,” is what I normally say and is the absolute basic truth. Trying to explain the decision to child-bearers or hopeful parents is both futile and can smell of insecurity or self-doubt. However, as a man, I understand this may be much easier for me than for my wife. Somehow society forgives me for a lack of parental desire but it’s not really so for women.
Daniel, I get your point about not feeling the need to defend your childfreedom.
It does raise this question – When parents, the media and religions go on and on about how wonderful parenthood is, how it is the greatest and most important role a person can ever have, how children and parenthood are a blessing, how a woman isn’t really a woman until she becomes a mother, and on and on….would you say they are defending it? I wouldn’t. I’d say they are promoting it and that’s how I see taking a positive stand on childfreedom.
Parenthood certainly gets an abundance of glorification. Now it’s our turn.
Am I ever in a pickle. I have read several posts on this website.
My partner of 18 years and I just had yet another heart to heart on having a child. After 14 years of happily being together childfree (not married because we think it is religious bullshit – obviously another topic) she told me she has developed an uncontrollable desire to have a baby. Every time she sees a baby she gets all gushy and gooey. All her friends and sisters have babies and she loves holding them and doing other nasty things one does with babies (feeding, bathing, changing diapers). She says the drive in her to have a baby is extremely strong. She cries after spending time with babies. At 38 her clock is ticking. She has a stash of Folic acid in her drawer.
I want a baby as much as I want cancer. She knows and respects this. She won’t put holes in condoms or screw a stranger. She wants me to commit willingly. She is hoping I change my mind. As a compromise she proposes that we stop using birth control and leave it to fate to decide.
I have found myself looking at fertility websites to see how I can push fate to my direction. Using the opposite advise on those websites I found I can lower my fertility by smoking more pot, wearing tighter underwear, using a laptop several hours daily, and jerking off more frequently, etc.
I don’t want advise. I just wanted to share my situation. I am glad there are other people in my shoes.
You can’t be honest. You’ll be ostracized. Maybe to your face people will laugh, or “be nice,” especially here in the f’d up south. (I’m in Texas.) But I promise you, behind your back they’re thinking all the nasty things about you. I’ve recently experienced some b.s. in this area with S.O. and his sister having her cunt loaf in the last month. I’m still ticked off about it, but, that’s me that I’m working through.
At anyrate, being honest? In some circles we can be. And in even smaller circles it won’t be held against us. But for the most part, it will be.
P.S. Another (less honest) approach is for you to get sterilized. This would completely solve your problem.
Dear inapickle,
I know you said you are not looking for advice, but I’d like to comment. The agreement you made with your partner to not use contraception and let nature take its course is the same thing as agreeing to have children. “Letting nature take its course” can very well result in having a child, so unless you are open to having children (which you say you are not), I think you are making a big mistake to have unprotected sex.
Your partner agreed with you that your relationship would be childfree. Since she is the one who is renegging on your long-standing agreement, I think she should seek counseling to resolve her issues about suddenly wanting children. This is not your issue to resolve.
Remind your partner that babies turn into children and teens very quickly, and kids and teens are nowhere near as cute as babies. I just wrote about this, in fact, in my blog (check it out if you care to). While you’re there, check out the Top 100 Reasons Not to Have Kids and be sure to show it to your partner to refresh her memory about why you decided to be childfree in the first place.
Sometimes people get so baby-crazed that they don’t think straight. You need to put your foot down and be firm because you will not be doing anyone any favors by having children if you are an unwilling parent. Parenthood is not something to be taken lightly and it is not fair to a child to be brought into a world when one of his parents does not want him.
inapickle,
the PS above goes to my post to you. For some reason it posted the PS before my main post.