Pets or children. Must you choose one or the other?
I don’t have pets myself, but I know many childfree readers do and even if they don’t, they like them. This next post is rather different – it was an email sent in by a childfree reader, who we will call “Sarah.” Warning – if you love dogs you may be upset after reading it. I know it made me feel sad and for that reason I delayed posting it. I made only one minor edit and changed the writer’s name.
“Sarah” asks some questions and I’m curious about your responses. I didn’t know people actually got rid of their dogs when a baby was imminent, it appears to be more common than one might think.
Anyway, read “Sarah’s story and share your thoughts. Thank you “Sarah” for taking the time to write this and for sending it to me share.
“Britgirl,
I have a question. Maybe you can post something about this on your blog and your readers can respond. This will upset any reader who likes dogs.
I will try my best to tell you the story (English is my second language).
My friend “Catherine” and her husband have been living together for 6 years. For the past 5 years, they have been a family of 3: Him, her and an adorable black Labrador named Bayou.
Bayou is very gentle and calm. He has always been part of their daily life. The dog used to sit on the sofa and watch movies with them. He used to sleep on their bed room floor and he had access to all the rooms in the house. They used to go out for long walks in the woods or take him along to the cottage on the weekends. Sometimes her husband would even bring him along to work! (he is a fireman).
I first noticed that things had changed only a few days after their baby boy arrived last August. At first, they decided that some rooms would be banned. About a month later, Catherine told me that Bayou only had access to one small room at the back and the basement. I thought it was sad and I asked her if the dog was jealous or aggressive towards the baby. She said no but she said that the place needed to be clean (no dog germs I guess) for little Xavier to live in. After that, poor Bayou seemed sad each time I visited them. You could tell that they did not play with him anymore (too busy with little Xavier).
Then, just before Christmas, she told me that she thought that Bayou was sick because he started peeing in the basement. I am no dog psychologist, but I suspected that Bayou was unhappy because he was used to love and attention and that he did not understand why he was being left out and ignored for no reasons now. I told her that dogs, especially Labradors, love children and they like to be included in activities because they feel like they are a member of the family. She did not seem to understand and she was more upset about the pee. Anyways, last week, I heard that they got rid of him. I am not even sure who they gave him to. It made me sad. It also made me think about another friend of mine who years ago, got rid of her little Teckel as soon as she found out that she was pregnant.
Britgirl. How can people take care of animals and pretend they love them and then suddenly get rid of them when they have a baby? I understand getting rid of an aggressive dog who could hurt a baby but this was not the case for my friends. Can you not have time and love for both your pets and children? Or must you choose one or the other?
My confession to you is that I visited them today and while I was looking at her crying son, I could not help asking myself why would she prefer having him to having a dog.Thank you for your blog. Reading it makes me feel less alone.
“Sarah.”
Technorati Tags: childfree
{ 44 comments… read them below or add one }
People like that are simply imbeciles. They decide that their child is the center of the universe and of course, special, and so they squeeze everything and everyone out of the picture to concentrate better on the brat. Those are the people (women, mostly) who end up with a spoiled, over-coddled simpleton for a child, no friends, and a divorce, since that pesky spouse doesn’t understand that the world revolves around and only for the child. Then these women join a book club to drink wine and kvetch about men and thus wile away their years. Sad. Also, cruel. But as far as I’m concerned this is a clear red flag that the people in question are bad people who wouldn’t hesitate to throw you under the bus. Make new friends.
This is yet another and sadder example of how peoples’ attitudes towards others (human, canine, feline etc.) become thoroughly skewed when they have a kid. If I had a cat or dog and anyone abused them by ignoring and not caring for them, instead centring their attention on a brat (who I would only allow in if I were under extreme duress), then I would absolutely bar them from my flat. What sick people. They’re not worth thinking of as friends. Love to Bayou, the poor mutt.
A friend of mine was on the receiving end of a dog being displaced due to baby. At least that family had the sense to realize that they were no longer able to do right by the dog (who is a really great dog, but does require a lot of physical activity), and found a family for him where he could thrive. There are ways to prepare a dog for life with a baby, but the family needs to think about these things (all too uncommon, unfortunately).
I don’t understand people. Pets are a commitment. You get them, and you are responsible for them, for better or worse. You can’t just give up because it gets hard or complicated! Unfortunately, people think pets are of a lower order than people and while this might be true to a certain extent, they are no less capable of feeling and caring than we are and need our love and protection.
If your pet becomes jealous or vicious to your baby, then you might have to take steps to ensure that both are protected from each other, but getting rid of pets should never be something you do in preparation for starting a family.
My husband and I are child free and pet free, not because we don’t like pets but because we understand that we just don’t have the time or patience for pets. We enjoy the freedom of our child free lives and pets take work, just like kids do -if not more (pets can’t really get food for themselves or tell you when they’re sick so you need to be even more vigilant of pets than you do of kids, once the kid is able to get into the cupboards by itself).
If people can’t be responsible enough to commit to and care for a pet throughout its life, how can they be trusted with the sculpting and raising of a human being??
I told my ex, who wanted me to have kids, that I was sure that as much as he claimed to want kids he didn’t want them enough to actually take CARE of them (give medicine, make dinner for, dress). “You have never fed the cats or done the litter,” I said.
“Cats aren’t kids,” he said.
As if lack of responsibility for one living was in no way indicative of how he would care for another.
However – when I asked, “If I got pregnant and had a baby, would you want a baby bad enough for me to be the one to continue working while you stay at home and do all of the caring for?” he got frustrated and didn’t want to answer.
I would have trusted him to care for a child on his own if his wife died and he were left with no option, but as part of a couple, he’d be fairly absent until it was time to play, or to bring the kids to church (I’d have been absent for that).
Sadly, he could not be trusted with the cats after a divorce. We had four when we broke up, but I couldn’t take all of them, so I took two and left them with two. He kept them for a few years before sending me an email with a picture attached of a pile of fur on his chair. He couldn’t take the fur anymore, you see. So he brought the cats to a woman who lives on a farm.
I choose to believe that because I have to. I will not consider the possible and very likely alternative, because I really loved those cats.
(I’m angry just thinking about it, so … bye.)
I don’t think this is so much about the kids as it is about people’s attitude about what is expendable. The kid is just the catalyst and an excuse. We live in a world where it is our right to change our mind, and often, and get what we want every time. I wanna be married, I don’t wanna be married, I want to be a doctor, no a writer, no, a priest, no a rock star. I want to be loved for who I am and be “beautiful,” I also want to sit on the couch with uncombed hair and eat buttered crossaints. I want Gucci purses and a massive SUV and I want 3 different but fun best friends in fabulous circumstances. And so on, and so on. People expect that there are no permanent commitments and that nothing has to ever be sacrificed in their quest of chasing their own whims. This mentality of “I want what I want when I want it, until I don’t want it anymore” is why the world economy is in the toilet. People have unclear priorities and no one “judges” them, so they just run around making messes.
I don’t see how one can care for a pet, and then dispose of it as if it had become a toy without feelings, a thing that you can just get rid of.
If you can’t commit yourself to a living creature that gives you its unconditional love, how will you be able to be a good parent to a annoying brat who’ll grow up to think the world revolves around him/her?
Just a thought, but those people who can’t keep a commitment until its natural ending (the death of the pet), wouldn’t they also be likely to get rid of their kids at some point, if there was a legal possibility to do it?
A French humorist (Coluche) once said “Some people get a kid just because they can’t afford a dog”…
I LOVE cats, but I don’t have any. I do not like the thought of leaving the poor little thing on its own in an apartment all day while I’m at work, and then out in the evening doing sports or meeting friends, or totally away on weekends. I have a neighbour who has two cats living like this, and I’m more than happy to “catsit” for her when she’s away, but I feel sorry for the two fluffballs!
It’s called “pet as practice” , and I have seen this happen again, and again. I used to volunteer at an animal shelter, and can’t even begin to tell you how many older animals there were from families that just had a baby. Mind you…many of these pets had been with their families for 7,8, 9 years, and now they’re being dumped in a shelter (let’s not even talk about how low the chance of a senior pet being adoped is). I don’t understand it, nor will I ever. Absolutely heartbreaking.
I find the whole idea infuriating.
Dogs do not bring germs into the home anymore than people do. We all walk on the same ground.
I don’t even want to know how many pets are abandoned for this reason. My cats are very high maintenance and I would never get rid of them. Scratches and pee and destroyed furniture are part of the commitment.
Those people who use pets as practice kids are the same people who trade in their pets over and over whenever a behavior issue comes up. These people are a disgrace and it frightens me to think of what kinds of parents they’ll make.
I had a friend who did this to her beloved dog after having a child and guess what; I am no longer her friend. It disgusted me to the point I couldn’t even look her in the face anymore and told her that. Of course I got the “you don’t have kids so you don’t understand.” Whatever, millions of families with children have dogs, are you going to tell them they don’t understand?
So, my sister is expecting in June (yay for me, all pressure is off!). Anyway, she had friends and co-workers ask her what she was going to do with her dogs (Basset/Beagle mix and a Jack Russell). She was utterly confused at their question and honestly didn’t understand that they were expecting her to give up the dogs. We have always had a house filled with dogs, dogs have been key parts of our family, and I cannot imagine growing up into the person I am today without the vital lessons learned through our family pets. These families who do not fully include their family pets in the lives of their children are not only depriving the dog of that relationship, but also their child. Is “a boy and his dog’ no longer important in our culture?
That sucks. Pets=Family
Not to mention that those folks are probably dooming their kids to a life of more serious allergies:
http://www.fetchdog.com/blogs/nosetotheground/General/raised_with_dogs_kids_grow
Kismet is our “first born” kitty and he was given up by his first family because their son developed an allergy. Their loss, our gain! I truly don’t understand how people can think of pets as being expendable. It really makes me sick and so very angry! A person’s character is made evident by how they treat all living creatures and people who use and abuse animals are simply despicable!
Oh, this makes my blood boil over. Anyway, the thing I really want to know is this:
If your sorry ass has to give up your beloved pet because you can’t handle a dog and a baby at the same time, how in the holy fuck are you going to handle more than one kid at a time? Because, you know, most of these idiots will go on to have more children and it will be considerably more stressful than a kid and a dog, I promise. People like this make me wish all sorts of bad happenings on them. Of course, they’ve already got a kid and I can’t imagine anything worse than that anyway.
How can people do this? I am constantly baffled by people who treat their animals as if they are expendable. My husband found our cat Domino when he was just a kitten. It was a freezing November night, and the poor thing was starving. He had probably been living outdoors for some time, but his behavior made it clear that he was not born a stray. He had been abandoned and quite possibly abused. We’ve had him for years now, but he still has issues.
We do the best we can for him, and often get called freaks for it. And (surprise!) it’s the people who insist that we must have children who mock us for taking proper care of our pet! “It’s just a cat,” they say. No. He is a living, feeling creature who deserves respect, love, and care. It’s sick that people don’t realize this.
Nothing makes my blood boil more than mistreatment of animals. When you take an animal into your home, it is a commitment for the lifetime of the animal. To gain their love and trust and then throw them away like trash is truly vile. If someone can treat a pet in this way, how are they going to deal with the LIFELONG commitment of a child, which is likely to be more demanding and destructive than any cat or dog.
My kitties drive me mad sometimes, I will admit. But when I moved to Germany I made sure they were able to come with me. If that hadn’t been possible, then the move would have been off. I also once had a boyfriend who was jealous of the attention the cats get and said “It’s me or the cats”. Well, guess who’s still here.
Besides, unless you have a dog of unpredictable temperament, most animals are perfectly safe around children. Cats and dogs seem to understand that babies are just young humans, and can be astonishingly patient and protective. My sister has a large cat which used to be pretty grumpy until she had her first baby; since then he has become very docile, loving and friendly. Not for one moment did my sister think of getting rid of the cats. They are part of her family just as my cats are part of mine.
It amazes me that the same people who call the CF “selfish” think it’s perfectly alright to dump a once-loved animal because they can’t be bothered to supervise it around their baby. Words fail me.
As you can tell from my username, I love dogs. (I love all animals, but dogs are my favorite.) I have two rescue dogs, and I would have more if I had the space and money for them. One of my dogs came out of a bad situation where he was being left in a crate all day, and the other dog was found on the side of the road, which means she was either thrown out or got lost from home. I can’t for the life of me understand why someone would mistreat these two dogs. They are the most loving creatures. I can’t ever imagine giving them up. When they came home to live with my husband and me, they came to their forever home. They are great companions and friends. They love us unconditionally.
I can’t imagine being in someone’s home for a long time, then being thrown out because a kid comes along. It’s heartbreaking and brings tears to my eyes to even think about the situation poor Bayou is in. It is my sincere hope that his former family found a good home for him, where he will be forever loved and not thrown away.
I truly think that people who do things like this have a special place reserved for them in hell.
I love cats, but I’m allergic to pet dander and kitty litter. I’ve grown to appreciate dogs, but I couldn’t see myself having to walk it and clean up behind it every day (would be akin to taking care of a baby). In either case, as I’m always running, it would be unfair of me to leave any kind of pet alone for hours every day.
As someone else said, they use the pet as practice for having a kid, or the animal is a child-substitute until they have an actual child. I volunteer in parrot rescue, and it’s very acute there. Women give up their birds when they move in with a man or when they have a baby. So many of them treat the bird as if it were a baby for years and then they act shocked when the bird is upset about the new addition.
Volunteering at the rescue has turned me into a much more cynical person and has only reinforced my decision not to breed. Not that I needed that reinforcement!
I agree with the general sentiment expressed here. People who are only ‘practicing’ with pets as a way to work up to kids are selfish a*holes who really shouldn’t have either.
I’m sure they’ll be the kind of parents who complain that ‘we’ve given our children everything and they are ungrateful’ because having kids is all about THEM receiving the adoration of a dependent being.
My parents had both pets and children — I grew up with dogs, goldfish, turtles, and a guinea pig, and over the years my bf and I have had 9 cats (6 currently). Having pets around kids is a great way to teach children to empathize with other beings. Assuming the parents can do the same.
Most of our cats were adopted as kittens, which is partly why I know I would never want children. They’re cute and all, but they require a lot of oversight and discipline, and even though they grow up in about a year, that’s enough ‘child care’ for me.
I prefer pets; they depend on you to open the food cans, but they see the world as adult creatures. For the most part they can take care of themselves, which is great.
Have had cats my whole life, they get very attached and have big personalities and lots of feelings. Anyone who doesn’t realize this is obviously ignorant. I could never ever give up my cats, for anything. They are part of my family, for good and for bad. We talk sometimes about moving away to Ireland or something but it costs a fortune to bring your pets with you and I couldn’t leave them behind. It’s a responsibility.
“The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated”. — Mahatma Gandhi
This article made me ill. Quite frankly, these are the kinds of people who should never have children. The last thing the world needs is to add to the large numbers who believe that another living thing is only valuable if it has personal utility.
I believe and studies have shown that animals have feelings. They feel fear and joy and jealousy and pain. It does not surprise me that Bayou started urinating in the house when he sensed that he was no longer an integral part of his family. Poor guy.
As far as the “germ excuse” goes, I have five brothers and sisters and we always had a variety of pets and all of us reached maturity without coming down with the plague. That sounds like a bogus justification for not wanting to bother with the dog now that the better and more important baby has arrived.
It is interesting to note that American Humane has a program where they work with children in inner city schools to teach them empathy and compassion by bringing in dogs and cats for them to care for. It sounds like “Catherine” and her husband are two “adults” who could benefit from attending.
I have a 22 year old cat. She is arthritic and has to take twice daily medication for her thyroid and doesn’t always make it into the litter box, though she makes best efforts. I have had people comment on her age and say that maybe “it’s time” for me to put her down. I tell them I would no sooner put her down than I would stop feeding my grandmother because she can no longer dance the jitterbug! My cat is my friend and my companion and she trusts me and counts on me to take care of her and I will do that until it is clear to me that is suffering and has a poor quality of life. When her vet tells me that it is time that’s when it will be time. That’s the deal I signed up for when I adopted her when she was abandoned at five weeks old. Imagine not being able to speak or communicate clearly and having a person with no empathy or sense of responsibility decide your future.
p.s. For all of the animal lovers posting here you may want to check out Best Friends Animal Sanctuary, if you haven’t already. They do amazing work rescuing animals of all kinds and providing them with homes and excellent loving care until they find forever homes.
I read this article with much interest because this topic has been on my mind all month. A woman I work with has informed me of her plans to rid herself of her 7 year old dog. Why? because she has a “baby on the way”. I used to like this woman, even when she became pregnant but now I can barely look at her. I volunteer at a shelter and see the unwanted older pets and it breaks my heart. This heartless person is exhibiting behaviour that puts all humans to shame. I tried to offer solutions, but she became angry and didnt’ want to talk to me anymore about it. The dog is calm, and protective but she thinks it will be too much “work”. When I say “Didn’t you think that you might get pregnant when you got the dog 7 years ago? Didn’t it occur to you that it’s a commitment that you need to honor” She responded with “I was only 21 when I got the dog, what did I know?”
I stopped talking to her and now only get second hand information about her plans to “dispose” of the dog. Apparently she has put ads up and had no response, so she’s now looking into shelters. Like I said, I volunteer at a shelter, and am always trying to get the dogs THERE adopted out. Now add hers to the mix for NO reason! The dog isn’t violent, the baby isn’t allergic, she hasn’t even HAD the baby yet so how could she know there would be a problem.
I have had it with her. She’s the epitome of what I hate about mothers. Cold calculating selfish, can only think of her and her baby (and this is supposed to be a good thing? What about the rest of the world?) at one time n my life, I naively wondered that mothers might become MORE loving just because they were mothers. How stupid was I? The older I get the more I see that they become closed minded, judgemental (against child free, against their spouses, against other mothers) and unable to care about the environment or other living creatures.
The poor dog. I don’t know how I’m going to stand working beside this woman for 3 more months when she finally pops. I’m a cruel person I guess, but right about now, I hope her childbirth is the most painful it can ever be. I hope the kid grows up to be a terror for her and as selfish towards her as she is towards the rest of the world. I assume that by the time she pops her poor dog will be languishing in a kennel wondering where his family is.
any advice on how I can work with this pathetic creature until she pops out her spawn? I have to keep it reasonably polite since it’s work.
Hearing shit like this makes my blood boil. Poor Bayou. I fervently hope he’s been placed in a home where he’ll receive the love and attention that was so cruelly withdrawn from him. I have a dog myself (I’d have more but I don’t have the room nor money) and I can’t imagine being without him.
Appalled as I am, I wish I could say I’m surprised but I’m not. I’ve seen and heard of this happening too often. These selfish bastards do not deserve to have pets in the first place. Don’t people think before they take on the responsibility of a dog or any other animal? Don’t they realize that they are making a huge commitment which will last for years, and doesn’t it occur to them that their life circumstances will likely change in that time?
I wonder if these morons realize the lessons they are teaching their spawn ie as soon as something/someone becomes the slightest bit inconvenient you give up and discard them – regardless of the unconditional love and loyalty and friendship they’ve given you.
Having said that, karma will hopefully come back to bite ‘em in the ass. The same morons who taught their kids to regard living, breathing creatures as disposable forfeit the right to complain when they’re languishing in a crappy nursing home – dumped there by the same spawn they taught by example.
Karma – it’s a bitch .
Nice example for the kid they’re setting there…
My parents always had dogs and cats and tried to expose baby-me to them as much as possible because it was good for my immunesystem. I rarely get sick…
We are considering moving overseas for work, and it amazes me how many people ask me what we are going to do with our pets. I just look at them blankly, until I realise the mean how are we going to get rid of them. Doing that wouldn’t even occur to me – they are family, period. So, yes it is expensive, but of course they are coming.
I mean, I suppose I could understand asking this if we were penniless refugees fleeing a civil war, or if we were moving to a country where pets get eaten or into a jungle or something where they would be at risk. But we are considering moving from one Western country to another Western country with appropriate vets, food, etc.. When we signed those adoption papers, we signed those adoption papers – just as if they were human.
I suppose we have years of religions stating “God may humans in his image” (or whatever variation of that in most major religions) to blame for this feeling of superiority and ownership/property of other creatures, but really. Unlike an amoeba or ant, if it can recognise its name and come when called (or you open their favourite can of food), it is a family member. Thus you have committed to it for its natural life when you bring it home.
God help me if one of the people I know comes up with giving a family member away when they’re expecting. I have two (can you guess?) Boxer’s! I love the breed and unfortunately, they are a breed that get’s given away come baby time often. They’re too…whatever the excuse for a child. I agree, the breed is a bit more excitable than some but I have yet to be proven wrong about how intuitive they are. Thankfully, my friends with kids have felt that dogs are a part of growing up and not only kept their dogs but allowed their kids to be around my Boxers. I was watching closely for any rough play since my dogs naturally have no idea what a child is and was happily suprised!
I found that even though my 80 pound male is super strong and clumsy he has a gentle streak. Recently I had a family come by to pick up a lawnmower and thier toddler got out of the car and toddled over to my male Boxer. He slapped his rear on the ground so hard it thumped, if he had wagged his stump any harder he would have dug a hole with it and he sat there as she petted all over him. He was as tall as she was and he was so careful not to put up his feet and he stayed right there. He knew. I was so proud.
The idea that any well-behaved dog can’t be taught how to act around children, if they don’t already know intuitively, is ridiculous. As for germs….I’d be more worried about the daycare’s and workplaces rather than the dog. I don’t know of too many transferrable diseases from dog to human but I can think of hundereds of human to human ones!! As a side note on that topic…I have been intentionally DIS-invited to a new mom’s house because of my job as an RN. Aparrently she’s worried that I’m contageous even after I’ve come home, had a shower, changed clothes, put away my work shoes (you know the ones that stay outside in the garage) and been home a day or two. Not that I mind, it’s a little funny because I haha don’t have to make up an excuse not to see the new little alien.
Watching my “older” dog (aged 10 months, not exactly in his dotage) when we brought home his “little sister” (aged 3 months at that point) was an incredible experience. Despite the fact she was all over him, and doing annoying puppy things like chewing on his sensitive ears, he was so gentle – he just knew he needed to be, without any training or prompting from us. We have also witnessed this with other large dogs when our little guy was a tiny pup. They would play games with him at high speed in the park, but still be very gentle when tumbling around, and he had a great time.
I think that the breeder mothers get these ideas from the few sensationalised news stories about dog attacks. Honestly, statistically who do you think is more likely to harm a child – domestic violence from the male breeder partner (or stepfather/boyfriend) or a dog bite? Your hulking huge SUV you and the other breeders drive your brats in to school or a dog bite? But I don’t see the breeders kicking the males to the curb for being a risk, or walking the kids to school to reduce traffic and potential accidents at school drop off times.
Also, what about the older child in this situation? Children are always more work than pets, why not simply get rid of the older kid if you want to reduce your workload with a new baby?
I thought I would share this story about a dog with a similar name “Bijou” and how important she has been in the life of a man with prostate cancer.
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/03/31/life-lessons-from-the-family-dog/?em
I also thought I would share the text of an anonymous e-mail that someone posted in response to this Dana Jennings blog:
Anahata maybe you could print out JUST A DOG and leave it on your co-worker’s desk…. It think it brilliantly sums up how our relationships to and responsibility towards these creatures increase our humanity.
JUST A DOG
From time to time people tell me, “Lighten up, it’s just a dog,” or, “That’s a lot of money for just a dog.” They don’t understand the distance traveled, time spent, or costs involved for “Just a dog.” Some of my proudest moments have come about with “Just a dog.” Many hours have passed with my only company being “Just a dog.” and not once have I felt slighted. Some of my saddest moments were brought about by “Just a dog.” In those days of darkness, the gentle touch of “Just a dog” provided comfort and purpose to overcome the day.
If you, too, think it’s “Just a dog,” you will probably understand phrases like “Just a friend,” “Just a sunrise,” or “Just a promise.” “Just a dog” brings into my life the very essence of friendship, trust, and pure unbridled joy. “Just a dog” brings out the compassion and patience that makes me a better person. Because of “Just a dog” I will rise early, take long walks and look longingly into the future.
For me and folks like me, its not “Just a dog.” It’s an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams of the future, the fond memories of the past, and the pure joy of the moment. “Just a dog” brings out what’s good in me and diverts my thoughts away from myself and the worries of the day.
I hope that someday people can understand it’s not “Just a dog.” It’s the thing that gives me humanity and keeps me from being “Just a man or woman.”
So the next time you hear the phrase “Just a dog,” smile, because they “Just Don’t Understand.”
Author Unknown
People who dump their animals just because they have kids and *gasp* have less time are worthless human beings. They have no business owning an animal and they have no business having a child that they teach this attitude towards.
Yes, I know that people sometimes develop an allergy to a pet and it can’t be helped. I am suspicious, though, of the severity and amount of “allergies”, since it seems to be a “dump the pet for free” card – “Oh I’m/he’s/our baby is allergic! “Oh, okay; you’re not a miserable person for not bothering to check into alternatives.”
And what is this bullshit about “germ free”? I can see a dog being kept out of the baby’s room, but you can’t tell me that dog hair is going to cause the kid to curl up and die. Bayou’s former owner is a stupid, selfish person who probably is going to “dump” her kid if it doesn’t grow up to be exactly what she wants.
yes I too volunteered for a while in an animal shelter and yes I see that is the easy way out for some people. Just another disposable item.
Buts Its unbelievable to think how people can be so detached. I love my dogs and particurlarly love my cat I just cant imagine that love being “replaced” by something else. I have also seen the same thing happen to relative (in law). They absolutely babyed their lovely dog but when the first child along, it was relegated to just an annoying animal that spent its time alone in the back yard with a sad look on its face. No more regular walks or attention.
She was also convinced that cats sat on babies faces and suffocated them????
It really makes you change your opinion of a person like that, to the point of feeling just plain disturbed at their indifference to a living creature…
“And what is this bullshit about “germ free”?”
The dog is certainly going to be cleaner than what the kids finds outside. I remember what I was like. The nearest mud puddle and I was off!
As for people who consider their pets like family, I can’t quite relate to it; but I do agree having a pet is a major commitment. I rescued a Welsh Corgi Cardigan a couple of years ago and she’s been an absolute pleasure. She’s definitely not family (sorry, dogs aren’t humans and thus don’t hold the same status) but she fills a void I’ve always had anyway. I can’t see how people can just abandon a pet because of a new addition like a kid. Yes, I understand the sudden shift in priority (children, if one so chooses to walk that murky path, are more important than pets), but I can’t stand the sudden shodding off the dog. It’s wrong.
This breaks my heart and I’ve seen similar situations time and time again. The pet is the center of the world and then BAM! a baby is introduced and the pet is tossed by the wayside like disposable trash. Very upsetting.
I’ve seen it happen with my best friend and their cat. They still love her and take good care of her, but she doesn’t get nearly the attention she used to get before they had kids. So when I go over to visit, I give her extra love and attention…I carry her everywhere with me and pet and kiss her constantly. I figure I need to make up for what she’s not getting.
P.S. to Lee,
I also have an old cat (21) who is arthritic and has thyroid disease (and is on meds twice a day) and our approach is the same as yours. He’s with us as long as he is not suffering and if that is another 5 years, that’s what it will be. I would never have an animal put to sleep just because he is old. I wouldn’t do that to a human, and I am not doing it to an animal either.
He drives us crazy with his caterwalling but we love him and he’s our responsibility as long as he lives, which is proving to be a very long time.
I’ve always said that I “grew up in a zoo.” There were dogs, cats, guinea pigs, and fish. My aunt’s dogs (both quite large ones of the German Shepherd and Lab/mutt variety) were trusted as my babysitters. There are pictures of me lying on the floor with a dog on either side. They would keep track of me and not let me out of their blockade to wander off!
I’m not allergic to animals. I had childhood food allergies, but those are hardly the same thing. I do remember, though, because of those food allergies, when a doctor pronounced me allergic to Y because I was allergic to X. That’s how I became officially allergic to cats. But you know, I’ve never noticed any kind of reaction to cats, and I’ve never given them up. And my parents didn’t give them up. I’ve decided that particular diagnosis was bullshit.
I don’t understand the mentality that someone will dump a pet when a kid comes along. No, it’s not the exact same thing as having a child, but you’re making a lifelong commitment when you take in a pet. I don’t have dogs right now because my lifestyle hasn’t suited what I think a dog deserves. When I found a stray cat on my doorstep one December and took him in, I cared for him but didn’t commit to keeping him myself until about three months down the road when I was sure I could make that promise (because of the other two cats who were there first and I had already made that promise to).
I’ve seen some of my friends have kids who also have pets. I always felt bad for the pets, and always gave them tons of attention whenever I was over (besides, it was a handy excuse to not hold the baby if I already had a cat in my lap or was down on the floor with the dog). None of them were dumped, but the attention definitely decreased, especially for the cats. As the kids have gotten older, some of the attention has increased again, but I don’t think it’s ever going to be like it was. My friends do make some effort and it’s nowhere near the level described in this post and many of the comments, but their priorities have really changed. They are grateful for the attention I give the animals, though.
I do have one friend, however, who had a kid this December, and she has NOT decreased the attention to her two cats. In fact, she posts pictures of the cats and baby interacting. There’s one adorable one of mom with both kiddo and cat snuggled together in her lap. Then again, this is also a friend who moved overseas and took her cats with her. Until reading this post I hadn’t really thought about much of an exception that makes her, because in my mindset of COURSE I wouldn’t move if I had to give up my cats, and of COURSE they would still be important companions if I had a kid.
I’ve volunteered at a shelter, too, and ditto what’s been said above about senior pets getting forever homes and how many are given up due to baby. It’s both sad and infuriating to see how many people don’t ascribe to the “lifelong commitment” promise with animals, or blame all behavior problems on the animal, or even take presumptive steps like assuming a cat will destroy the furniture and it therefore has to be declawed–before it’s even been in the house! It’s one of the things I know I will never understand.
Hi Childfreeeee!
Maybe our two senior cats could meet for a playdate? Sorry, I couldn’t resist!
Though I’m sure there would be more tail thumping and hissing than anything else at their age.
I am totally in awe of my cat who just keeps on going, despite her challenges. Because she can’t chase me around to make sure she gets her daily quota of attention, now whenever I walk past her kitty lounger, she chatters at me to make sure I pause to scratch behind her ears.
Lee,
A playdate for senior cats! Love it!
I am awed by my arthritic senior too. One day, I was working out in my exercise room, and I heard a thump. I turned around, and there he was ON TOP OF MY DRESSER (which is about 5 feet high)! He jumped from the floor to the top of the dresser in one leap with nothing else to climb onto.
He can’t clean himself anymore, but he can leap onto 5 feet tall dressers in a single bound.
Childfreeeee,
Five feet?! Wow! That’s the equivalent of a 100 year old man running a mile in under nine minutes!
My girl lost her ability to jump up about two months ago. She will still prop herself up on her hind feet, but the hydraulics just aren’t there for lift-off so she’ll sit up for a bit, like a bewildered prairie dog, and then ease back on all fours and casually continue her slow stroll as if that embarrassing incident never happened. You can’t blame a girl for trying!
Gotta love the creatures!
When I was in my mid-twenties, I was diagnosed with fur and dander allergies. We already had cats in the house, and rather than even entertain the thought of giving them away, I went through five years of needle therapy to get rid of the allergy. That, combined with a higher commitment to house cleaning, did the trick.
My husband and I right now have three cats and a dog, and yes, they are all work. But they are our responsibility, and our great joy (most of the time). We are in fact leaving our current condo because the board of directors tried two years ago to change the by-laws and limit everyone in the building to one pet per unit. Although we defeated that motion through a rather difficult process, it disgusted me so much that we will soon be moving out and into our own house where no one can dictate such nonsense to us again.
I know my sister has rescued a cat that was going to be put down (!!!!) because the owners were pregnant, and our own dog was rescued because the owners were divorcing and couldn’t imagine having their dogs in a condo. He has managed just fine in our condo, although I know he’ll love the new yard we’ve picked out for him. The excuses and lack of accountability of some pet owners is truly horrifying at times.
Given how some people treat their children (in public) I am sure that if it were easy to get rid of their kids they probably would. It’s just that it’s not so easy to do and there are sanctions – though some manage do do so by simply abandoning them or sticking them in orphanages etc because they “can’t cope” with them. Those kids are probably the lucky ones… the less fortunate are those still in dysfunctional abusive families being mistreated by unfit parents.
I was talking about this post with my hubs and he wasn’t in the least surprised. In fact he said many people (largely women) get a dog or cat as a replacement child and when the “real thing” child comes along often the pet is expendable. No need to “pretend” any more, gotta baby! And they probably had the intent of disposing of the pet from the start. The baby will ALWAYS come first.
As Sean and others have said, having a pet is a major commitment – which is part of the reason we don’t have any. I don’t want to have to walk a dog every single day and neither do I want to keep it cooped up in a condo all day while we both work. And I don’t have time to take care of one either. Pet’s are not humans, but they DO have feelings and, unlike humans, while they have feelings, give and receive love, they will not understand why, if they’ve been loved and been an integral part of the family, they are suddenly cast aside to make room for a child (or on the basis of any other lame excuse). It’s sad to think people do this.
Most people would say they wouldn’t dream of doing that to a child. I’m not so sure. In the same way most don’t really think beyond the initial baby-wanting phase, many don’t think beyond the “it would be nice to have a dog or cat” phase. There are no sanctions for getting rid of a pet, dumping it, putting it down etc when they become inconvenient to their lifestyle. It’s quite callous when you think about it… especially in the case of Bayou. But sadly, to many, pets are expendable.
@ anahata – I don’t have any suggestions for you, except to try and ignore her and get on with your life. There’s not a lot you can do to stop her, and I take it you don’t want to leave where you work just because of her. And if you work in a team you want to make sure you don’t come off badly… there is really no point. I did smile at the point you made about the “how much more loving women become when they have children” though. I’ve personally never found it to be true, but then, it’s probably another of those many myths we’re sold to try and turn everyone who’s not into a mother.
I know many of you have pets instead of kids, while I on the other hand don’t have any pets. I try to stay away from plants as well. I really don’t like to take care of anything, except my husband (if he is lucky).
I always try not to be too judgmental of others, but people who believe they “need” to get rid of their pets when they have a kid are idiots, plain and simple. Now if the kid really does have a serious allergy or the animal is aggressive and no behavior modification is working those are different issues altogether. But at least make every attempt to find a solution that does not include dumping the pet.
And to use an animal as “practice for baby” is IMO, animal cruelty. Animals are not stuffed toys, they are not there for humans to play pretend baby with, they are living, breathing creatures with needs of their own. When a person brings a pet into his/her life, that person has an obligation to do what is in that animal’s best interest.
It’s probably pretty clear that I love animals. I have always had pets. When I was born, my parents had a cat and a dog. My parents would NEVER consider getting rid of either. I can still remember both. The dog, named Taffy, was–no joke–like a canine nanny. She followed me around and barked if I went to far to alert my mother. I STILL remember the day she died (she was 16, blind, deaf and arthritic), more than 20 years ago: She came to my bed and sniffed me and I pet her. She then turned around and laid down in the doorway. That is where she died. Maybe I have always read too much into it, but I am certain that she knew she was about to leave us and she came to say goodbye to me.
She lived and died with more grace than the stupid couple and their baby will probably ever experience.
On a final note, some years ago I worked in a small non-profit legal clinic. Somehow I mentioned to one of the interns that I had 2 cats. She responded, “Oh, you’ll have to get rid of them before you have kids”.
Riiiight. Because just everyone has kids, yes? Isn’t that why marriage exists? Whatever!
I had these cats since they were kittens. Except for 6 months when circumstances beyond my control meant I could not have them live with me (very hard), they have always lived with me. At the time of this idiot intern’s comment, they were 13 and 10.
Do I think they ARE kids? No. Do I think they are LIKE kids? No. Clearly they are of the feline persuasion. But that does not mean I just dump them for whatever reason. When I adopted them, I made a commitment to care for them, to provide a home for them, as long as they live. I expect nothing less from myself.
I agree with the first post – people who have a child often become overly obsessed with their kid and all else in the world becomes unimportant. They start to live in a bubble, separated emotionally from anyone else – people, animals, etc. It gets weird. There’s no balance anymore. And their child becomes a narcissistic, spoiled, self-centered, boring person like his parents because he hasn’t experienced anything but a life of being fawned over and worshiped by his parents constantly, as if he is the center of the universe and nothing else matters. If I had been aware of Bayou’s situation and known these selfish people I would have offered to adopt Bayou. He deserves people who have love and compassion to offer. The family you describe is obviously too self-absorbed to care about anyone but themselves. Did Bayou get adopted? Do you know where he is now? Is he still available for adoption? Heck, we have a huge yard and 8 acres and a young bouncy dog and we would love to give him a home full of warmth and attention and love! He’s welcome here.
There’s not a lot to add to what others have already said. We have two dogs and four cats, and it breaks my heart to hear stories like that of poor Bayou. I hope the writer of that message will read Cathy’s post above and that Cathy will be able to adopt Bayou.
I have known of (though none of my friends, thank goodness) people who have dumped their pet because they were having a baby. I’ve heard from people who volunteer in shelters that this is a #1 excuse. I think the baby and the germ hysteria were just an excuse because this couple didn’t feel like dealing with their dog anymore now that they had a baby around which to center their life. How heartless. And what a sad, empty life for their child, little Mr. or Miss Center of the Universe. Some of the descriptions by people who posted here of growing up with family dogs were just beautiful. These selfish, cold people are denying their kid, and that poor dog, the chance to experience that bond.
I am thinking of poor, dear Bayou and hoping he has found or will find a forever home that will give him the love, attention and commitment he deserves.
I thought that animal lovers here would appreciate this article on pups.
http://www.dailygood.org/more.php?n=3722