When I first saw this headline article my first thought was “Oh, no here we go about Childfree men changing their minds and wanting a vasectomy reversal…” I was actually surprised to find that childfree people aren’t mentioned at all.
Divorce fuels vasectomy reversals
The article is all about how second marriages and starting again with a new partner is driving men to try and reverse their snips. It seems that, having had two or three children in a previous relationship, a new relationship with the desire to have even more children makes the men want a vasectomy – they want to have more children with the new wife or partner.
“We see many people with second wives who had two or three children in a previous relationship and thought they were done, only for their marriage to break down,” he says.
“But there are also some couples who change their mind about more children at key moments – such as when their children go off to school, or university.”
It is still difficult (and expensive) for childfree men to get a vasectomy if they do not want children. Like women who want tubal ligations they are often told to go off and have a few children first. Or that they might change their minds. If, on the other hand they’ve had a few children, while still expensive there seems to be less objection to getting one… after all they’ve produced two or three kids. The premise is they won’t want any more.
Take the case of “Nick” who married young and had two children. When he met his current partner he decided life wouldn’t be completed unless he produced another one with her. For her part Kerry knew he had had a vasectomy but assumed it could be reversed so wasn’t bothered. Until they found the reversal didn’t work. With “time running out” Kerry books an IVF appointment. Eventually… success! She gets pregnant at last.
Unsurprisingly I couldn’t relate…. the desperation to have children – or more children in this case – is completely alien to me as it is to other childfree people.
Then there’s this case back in 2008 where a man was denied a reversal on the National Health Service because he still had a child. His reason for wanting a reversal was to have another sibling to replace the one who’d died of cancer.
Father denied vasectomy reversal
It would have been good if these articles mention how many people seeing vasectomy reversals are those who have decided to be childfree and do not want children rather than those who are changing their minds because they suddenly want more children. But perhaps the number of childfree men seeking reversals due to changes in childfree status is too small to be worth mentioning – a good thing. Or perhaps they don’t count. The question is how many of those “I’ve had kids but now I want more” numbers are among those reeled off to childfree men who actually don’t want children at all?
Interestingly many women assume a vasectomy can be reversed anyway. They can also put pressure on the man to do just that.
Thoughts?
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{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
I have a suspicion that people who have things done to ensure no more children do it in a logical and reasonable frame of mind; in a new relationship, you’re feeling romantic and lovey-dovey and would stick a pen in your eye for the new love.
When I first married (or was in early relationships), the idea of a baby was a romantic notion. Theoretically. You know, “Oh, I could grow OLD with him and have his BABIES and toss little toddlers in leaf piles!” It’s the insane phase of a relationship that makes all things grand and layered in daffodils.
If these men waited until they’d been with the new wives for four years, I doubt they’d want the reversals.
A dear coworker of mine had a vasectomy about a year and a half ago. He and his wife had two young kids, and his wife had too many side effects with the pill so he got the snip.
A couple of months later, he found out his wife was cheating on him, and she soon left their home to live with her lover. They’re now in the middle of a very ugly divorce, adn he once told me that the worst thing she could still do to him was to go and have another kid with this other man. I feel sorry for him about this situation for many other reasons, but I could NOT relate to that at all.
I know of a couple where the man had adult children from one or two prior marriages when he married his current wife (who is twenty years younger than he), and they had two children together and then he got a vasectomy. Then years later the wife decided she “wanted another baby” and he agreed to get a reversal. Unfortunately, the reversal was successful. She was in her 40s at the time and he already in his 60s, and the child has all sorts of learning and social problems. Sighhh…
I can’t understand the feeling of not being complete without a child, or that your new relationship isn’t complete unless you have a baby together. I think that says more about what might be lacking from a relationship than about the benefits or children. But I guess it’s different for people who wanted and already had children, and then want to start a second family with someone else. Childfree people aren’t likely to fall into this category because (hopefully) they should have made this decision seriously and rationally, and don’t want children with ANYONE, not just with their current spouse…
I know I wasn’t in the rational frame of mind when I had mine done. I was just looking for a kind of cheap insurance policy for the kind of fun I was having at the time. You know the kind of the fun you can have in your early 20s without having to worry about the possible murky turnabout (kids). Thailand not only provided the place for a cheap vasectomy, but also the convenient forays as well. I can’t say I regretted the decision or ever pined for a reversal. The typical cost for having that procedure done is something like $6,000. Maybe I’m too hedonistic to even want one now, or immature, but that vasectomy was a very long time ago. I’d like to think if the desire to change would ever happen it would’ve by now!
It annoys me immensely that these people who don’t know their own minds make life more difficult for the rest of us. I’ve already been told many times “Oh, you might change your mind and ask for a reversal”. Well, I won’t, because I have never wanted kids. EVER. But my decision isn’t respected due to the misuse of sterilisation by others.
Here’s a hint to parents: If you think you might ever want more kids, someday, don’t get that operation.
I think people should focus on the kids they already have. Kids are not like trophies you can collect — they all need time, money and attention and you can’t just keep creating more like it’s no big deal. If only people took having children as seriously as they pretend to.
I feel sorry for the older kids who are getting “replaced”.
My first husband had a vasectomy in our 6th year of marriage, and it wasn’t easy convincing the doctors to let him go ahead. He was in his late twenties, and the prime motivator was that he was afraid to have kids because his mother had been bipolar and had committed suicide, he had inherited the condition, and did not want to have his children face him the way he had had to deal with his mother. I completely supported his decision, but our marriage fell apart the following year. We met up a few years ago, and he told me that he was trying to get it reversed- new, younger fiancée, and a better understanding or acceptance of his own condition seem to have changed his mind. I can actually understand the rationale from him, since his decision came from fear of repeating history, and not an actual unwillingness to raise a child. I suspect his case is unusual, and we’ve not been in touch for me to find out whether or not it was successful.
-AM
My husband had no problem at all getting doctors to give him a vasectomy, which I think is fantastic.
I’ve been tempted, from a journalistic standpoint, to visit a doctor and ask for a tubal ligation just to see what they say/find out how difficult it is (or isn’t) to get a doctor to agree to it.
I’m not sure why you’d have a sterilisation if you weren’t entirely sure. I mean, if you think you may want (more) children at some stage, surely you can use long term contraceptives?
I think the problem is who doctors – and societies at large – see as “deserving” of sterilisations and able to make the decision. Unless you actually have children already, it’s difficult to get one, because of the assumption that you’ll change your mind, and that that would be tragic. (Which no one would dare say to someone who wanted children, even though I think it would be more true.) Therefore the people who are allowed sterilisations are the ones who are more likely to want more children. These statistics are then used as an excuse to deny the genuinely childfree an operation which they are almost certainly not going to regret.
It’s not entirely the fault of the people getting it reversed. If everyone who wanted a sterilisation was treated as a grown up and given one, the proportion of reversals would be far lower.
The heros takes one for society and their beloved…going under the knife again to do the most honourable sacrifice to become a parent…again
One of my reasons to get a vasectomy was to be free!!!!!!!! That means not being forced into a life I do not want.
I had no moral speach when going through the procedure. Maybe I have had second thoughts for not saving up some sperm for later, but its pretty hard to change whats already done.
I will NOT let someone put a knife in me again unless it is to cure some disease and that exclude reversing a vasectomy. My partner and other significant people who might put me under pressure are informed about this. Luckily I still decide what happens to me and my balls.
I’m going to try not to generalize but it seems a little strange to me when a man who already has kids is SO opposed to having more that he will have surgery to make sure THAT joyous event doesn’t happen again, gets divorced (forget factoring in the impact divorce can have on kids) then with a fire in his loins decides he really wants to have kids again.
I don’t really buy the “life wouldn’t be complete” without the pitter-pat of little feet explanation, since they didn’t make life complete or improve his relationship the first time around or he wouldn’t have divorced. What’s the definition of insanity? Oh, yeah, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
As far as showing love for your partner by having a child (children) with them, how about showing your love for your partner (and any future children) by having a good/stable relationship before you decide to reproduce….
p.s. I get the distinct impression reading this article and others posted by britgirl that many people have kids because they lack the imagination to do anything else with their time/lives. It’s as if without a culturally prescribed recipe or roadmap they are lost after they become adults….get married, have kids, get divorced, date, get married have kids. Isn’t that what people do? A friend of mine said to me recently, “well if we (he and wife) don’t do it now (procreate) we’ll never do it”, as if the idea of never doing it was out of the question. Where is that written, I wonder?
Lee, since when is love a rational thing in the first place?
Hmmm. I got a vasectomy at 22 or 23 (no kids), the procedure was covered under insurance (~$250? out of pocket), and the doc agreed to the procedure the first time he met me. Hearing others’ negative and difficult experiences achieving the same, I am compelled to write the old doc or send him flowers or something for the the wonderful blessing and security he brought my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Why someone would ever want to reverse that is beyond me. My interactions with other people (and perhaps the news) have increasingly led me to believe that the stupid and the reckless far outnumber the responsible in this world. And the belief that in order for a new relationship to be ‘complete’ you have to violate a woman’s vag and produce a writhing, screaming crotchfruit has got to be one of the most insane I have ever heard. All the more reason to promote sterilization for the masses
Sean, are we talking about love or lust?
I’m also inclined to think for the second-time-around guys who statistically marry younger women who may want their own children, they do the reversal to keep the woman, not so much because they want kids and all of the trappings that go along with them. She gets the baby and he gets the babe–until the babe tires of the geezer and kicks him to the curb and hits him up for child support and alimony. I have to agree with Kirsten, as far as reversals go I’d wait for the honeymoon phase to wear off before untying that knot.
God forbid> Well said!
I agree with Lee. I think that older men who are already saddled with children from a woman they don’t like don’t actually want more children. I mean, who want to supposrt 4 or 5 of them when he’s 70 years old? Who wants to deal with a bratty teenager when he’s that age? It’s probably a trade off to be with the woman – to be with someone younger and prettier you have to give her what she wants. And what that woman wants is to be the one and only legitimate wife, and so she must produce her own children and thus be the REAL wife. I think the reason that happens is the use of the word “family.” In a scenario where the second wife doesn’t want the guy’s kids, his “family” will be, according to our use of the word, some old troll he hates and scowling step-brats. Naturally, the new wife would bristle. In order to be considered a fasmily and have some stake at the claim of being his REAL family, she needs to produce a bunch of brats, ideally one more than the previous hag. The “real” family will be whichever is larger. Otherwise, she’ll just be the “second wife” while random people she doesn’t even liek will be her husband’s “family.” I think this competitive drive, along with a desire to displace the undesirable ex-wife and step-brats and obliterate their existence is what drives a lot of child-popping in this scenario. Women who were on the fence or maybe wanted one child now need to produce a “family” or risk being “just the other wife.”
Well, the idea of men reversing their vasectomy is enough to make me shudder. A guy makes an adult decision to NEVER ever have kids – and then reverses it? So he can be financially responsible for more children?
og217 – valuable insight! I DO think that the ‘other woman’ tries to become the primary woman by popping out babies.
og217, that’s a compelling point. If I may, you sound as if you had some personal insight into this. You weren’t one of the people you described were you?
@Lee: Ouch. I forgot to make the differentiation. Touché!
From the New York Times–vasectomies increase with recession. Some people are starting to realize that having children is a financial burden.
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/11/health/11patient.html?em
Sean, no ouch intended! We’ve all done wonderful and sometimes strange things in the name of love. I personally can’t imagine one of those things being surgical, but maybe I’m old fashioned.
og217–The lives of my ear, nose and throat doc and the mother of his bastard child map somewhat to the scenario you describe. As I learned from his less than discreet nurse, said doctor was carrying on an affair with a pharmaceutical rep 14 years his junior. He had a wife and two kids at home. Wife helped put him through med school and followed him around various places for residency, fellowship. As soon as he established his practice and is named department head he gets a “girlfriend” who he gets pregnant. What to do? What to do? He’s already got kids and a wife and house in burbs. Girlfriend wants to keep baby and wants him to leave wife. What scandal! He moves in with girlfriend to cover the appearance of new baby and spends 2.5 years in court trying to prove wife is bad mother so he can take the first two kids away and not have to pay child support–they’re cheaper under his roof. He succeeds, but he doesn’t marry pharm rep because he doesn’t want her to get another piece of his income should things turn out along lines of first marriage. Now his two kids from first marriage and toddler live with doc and unhappily, unmarried pharm rep.
Of course in this case doc didn’t have to undo anything but I’m guessing that if the girlfriend had been a woman of his own age instead of a sleek and toned 30 year old, he wouldn’t have been so keen to disrupt life at home no. 1 and become a daddy all over again. And the moral of the story is if you are going to cheat, use birth control. Duh! Just typing that story made me want to take a shower. I need to find someone else to touch my tonsils. Gucci loafer wearing weasel!
I actually am in that situation. Mu husband has 2 mistakes from a previous marriage, and although I don’t want children, and he doesn’t either, there is a temptation to think that if I popped out my own, I could distract him so as to never deal with the step-brats again. My husband is a nice person and does what he is supposed to do (very unfortunately in this case) I never would have dated him if he lived anywhere near them, so it works out that I am only inconvenienced a couple of times a year (and every pay day ha ha), but I would give my right arm to never see them or hear the screeching of the troll who they popped out of on the phone. I can totally see how someone in my situation may want to pop out her own and then have a leg to stand on with money, holidays, etc. – you are taking away from OUR child! I personally don’t subscribe to the policy that unwanted children’s needs or wants are more important than mine, and just don’t allow anything to be taken away from me, or from us. I have zero interest in sacrificing anything, child support and the genral financial rape of men that is divorce is more than plenty, I think. But like I said, I can totally see the train of thought – to pop out a litter to be seen as the most significant woman in his life and show everyone, dammit. I am secure in that knowledge and don’t need to parade a pile of children around to show it off. I’m fortunate enough that I live that life every day. But some people do need the visual proof.
og-I’m pretty sure that the young woman in the story that I posted made best efforts to get pregnant to ensure that she had a stake in this man’s life/finances. They had been “dating” for over a year while he was still married and living with his wife and he had made no move to leave wife for her. It doesn’t seem to have worked out too well for her though as now she has the kids from the first wife in her house–she doesn’t like them and they don’t like her (according to gossipy nurse) and he still pays first wife alimony and hasn’t married her. It sounds like you managed your hubby’s ex situation with a cool head and have very clear boundaries which is an admirable thing.
Thanks, its very nice to be understood and respected. I get occasional snubs from threatened women with children, you know, something to imply that I am not my husband’s “real” wife. That’s more due to their insecurity of losing their husbands to a younger or more attractive woman than it is about me, I think. Although I met my husband years after his divorce was finalized, women see me and single young women in general as a threat. And honestly, I can see what they see. My husband gets a lot of stupid and clumsy comments still, to the general effect of “Wow, mate, congratulations!” Some guys envy what he has – an attractive wife, who devotes all her affection to him, who earns a good salary, and isn’t naggy or constantly exhausted. They see their own wives, homes cluttered with children’s toys, screaming and crying, and think, This sucks. Their wives see that and when they see my husband and I they can tell their own husbands’ envy. The logic is that we may give her man “ideas” about how great it would be for him to leave. Of course we do no such thing and don’t advocate anything of the sort, we just are. But I also se ethose wistful stares and feel a bit sorry for the women. Then again, they wanted this, and they really can take a bit more care to look put together and at least be pleasant to their spouse. They act like harpies all the time and then are surprised if their husband leaves them.
My husband is the best thing that ever happened to me! I was 33 and he was 22 when we met in 2005. We have been married only a few months. I am thrilled I waited for the “right one”! It was not easy… I had more than 100 nights where I would cry myself to sleep because I was sick of being lonely. But…do you want to know why I never settled??? Because I saw all my friends marrying one ass after another and then to top it all off they would have kids with the guy and be miserable! I swore I would never let that happen to me. Trust me it was worth the wait. I told my husband on our 2nd date that I did not want to have children and he said he did not want them either. Two months before we got married my husband gave me the best wedding gift and guess what it was…a “vasectomy”! So, every morning when my alarm clock wakes me up instead of a screaming child…I roll over and kiss my husband and say, “thank you”!
i don’t know what all the fuss is about,some people (like i) just love kids.i’ve wanted kids my whole life.its not always just to save a relationship/get child support or whatever.i only have 1 and am no longer with the father,but i hope to have more one day when i find the right person and things are more stable.
Being pregnant is an amazing experience to. i understand why some people choose not to (money,stress etc.) and all but there is no need to critisize everybody who has children.It’s just about what you want in life.
Fabulous advertisement for good parenting–no father and unstable home so you could have the “amazing experience” of pregnancy. All about you obviously and “what you want in life.” Could it be that it’s irresponsible “parents” who get commented on here, not “everybody” who has children? Good Lord!
By the way, whatever happened to caps and spaces between sentences?