Someone, somewhere has lost the plot. Because this article by Nicki Defago (yes, the same of Childfree and Loving It) is the most cringe-making stuff I’ve read yet. I’m trying to puzzle out why it deserved headlines… woman gets puppy.. ah, but wait. It is Nicki Defago. She’s now all maternal.
Nicki DeFago’s Maternal Overdrive Overheating?
In a nutshell, Nicki-once-childfree-or-childless-Defago is certain she’s a parent… well, at least she feels like a parent – to her dog. Her “maternal instinct” has kicked in, and taken control – despite her best intentions and now she (at least to herself) feels qualified to join the legion of parents who dote on their kids. She says she feels all that parents feel for children, except for a dog. I’m wondering how she’d know that if she hasn’t actually been a parent?
Only her dog is her child. She admits to being smitten, and for all the world, all you have to do is replace “dog” with “baby” and I think we can safely say that once childfree-childless Nicki is no longer. The sands of her childfree life have shifted to the point that she’s had to reconsider her stance… here’s what she says in ending her headline grabbing news:
“For someone who in the past has criticised the workplace divisions between those who have children and those who do not (all that sloping off early for little Jimmy’s sports’ day) that might sound a tad nonsensical? Well, what can I say? That’s doting mothers for you.”
That’s doting mothers?? She thinks she is a “doting mother?”
She sounds just as boring as people who go on and on about their children. I guess because she was “once childfree” suddenly feeling maternal and mothering because she now has a dog is worthy of grand headlines. I’m unimpressed.
As someone put it: Dogs are not children and Defago is not a mother. She needs to get over herself. It’s a good thing there are child-free people who do love their dogs but don’t feel the need to subscribe to motherhood. Please!
You will have to read the entire article for yourself, because even reading it and writing about it (in fact, even thinking about it) is making me cringe anew and want to reach for the puke bucket.
It sounds to me like Nicki Defago doesn’t think she’s childfree anymore… . But if she thinks she’s a mother then she really has lost the plot. I won’t be surprised if, having experienced the joys of surrogate “parenthood” she next announces she’s having a REAL Baby.
Seems like she needs to go and have a couple of kids pronto… so she can be a “Real Mother.” I get that she loves her pet… nothing strange about that. It’s the “hey I have a dog, now I’m just like a mother,” that’s nauseating.
Childfree and Loving It..? Not Any More.
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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh dear! I hope Ms. Defago isn’t using the puppy for parenting practice as per your previous article. If so, let’s hope that the puppy makes the cut if a baby comes along.
@Lee – Yes, I thought it was rather ironical given the topic of the post before last. Sorry for that puppy if it’s a stepping stone to the Real Thing! Like a transition. As we’ve seen people go ga-ga over a new pet, treat them like one of the family, then poof! a baby comes along and we all know what happens next. But it’s her “gushingness” that stands out. She hasn’t just fallen in love with her pet… she thinks she’s transformed into a “parent.”
I’m very disappointed because I loved her book. This article made me roll my eyes all the way to the back of my head.
Hormones (the man’s!!!) taking over? Comparing the pros and cons of a dog with those of a child? What on earth?
Ugh. Not to mention luxury dog items, and letting the dog taste the cappuccino, that made me sick. The whole things sounds… stupid. There, I said it.
And I am an animal lover!
Well, you could say I feel the same way about all of my animals….very nurturing, maternal, what have you. However, I am very clear that the feelings for my pets do not transfer to human babies, that they are reserved for cuddlies only. I would be okay if her article had been about how she had never wanted pets before but now that she’s had one she is experiencing great joy. It is not the same as desiring parenthood just because you have these protective, loving feelings for a dependent. That’s what I don’t like: the implication that if she was wrong about being a pet owner, she might think she was wrong about kids,too. Two totally different picnics altogether.
I share your disdain. Equating having a pet with parenthood is a real stretch and a bit stomach-turning coming from a supposed childfree advocate. Hey, those of us who have pets adore them – there’s no doubt about it – and they are like our “children” (hubby and me even call our cats our “boys” and we refer to ourselves as their “mommy” and “daddy”). The intense love I have for my cats is indescribable and they bring me such joy. But never in a million years would I seriously consider my relationship with them as even remotely equivalent or approaching real parenthood. Unlike real parenthood, having cats brings me great joy but the sacrifice and burden to have them is minimal. Let’s see – I feed them twice a day and hubby scoops their litter box once a day. Oh and once or twice a year we take them to the vet for a check-up. That’s it.
Now let’s think about what being a parent to children entails – monumental stress, financial strain, sleepless nights, problems, fighting, running like a headless chicken, strain on marriage, sacrifice of time, career, interests, friends, etc. etc. etc.
There simply is no comparison between having pets and having children.
Um… a dog is not a child. Realizing that you have space in your life for a pet and enjoying the relationship you have as your pet in no way changes or diminishes your childfree status. While having a pet may pluck at the heartstrings and awaken some material instinct, a pet is not and should not be treated as a child. This woman, and her article, and her treatment of this dog as if it somehow changes everything for everyone, is silly nonsense.
Of course she couldn’t bear leaving the dog to the elements! No normal human being is comfortable seeing animals treated that way. It doesn’t mean you’re motherly, it means you’re human. I want to save all the animals all the time. Animal Planet makes me cry. I cannot walk past a pet store. But I don’t have any pets.
It was like bringing a new baby home because she made the dog into a baby. She experienced the emotions people have for children because she is unable to separate “dog” from “child” and realize that they are different creatures with different needs and wants. And don’t even get me started on sharing your food with a pet (or a child, for that matter). Ick, ick, ick.
I love animals, even though I do not have any at the moment, but my love for animals does not make me into a crazy person unable to function without my pet and unable to see beyond the life I have with my pet. She IS exactly like someone who has a child and then insists that everyone else must have one and insists that everyone must be subjected to hers at all times. What a nightmare for anyone around her. A “campaign to make all cafes, restaurants and cinemas dog-friendly?” Ah yes, because your right to have a dog supersedes everyone else’s right to have a night afternoon out and enjoy some peace and quiet. Ahhh… entitlement. Gotta love it.
Did not read the article.
I believe that a pet can cover some of the human need to care for someone.
But after reading the post it seem like someone took it too far and instead should have become a mother.
I have often been told that a dog is often more burden than a kid. One of the arguments is that you can much easier place a child with others and much easier bring the baby on travel. Bingo! Why did I not think of that myself..
Oh for chrissakes. Is this drivel supposed to ingratiate her somehow to half-witted mommie armies? I think it doesn’t, and alienates us too. Someone else needs to write abook so as to not have hers be THE childfree one, since she’s such a … I don’t know, pansy? weirdo? lame-o?
Anyone who thinks having a dog prepares them for having a child is going to be severely disappointed in how long it takes a human baby to potty train. Child protective services frowns upon parents who leave their kids home alone all day while they are at work. I’m also pretty sure kenneling human babies to travel for a few weeks is a no-no as well.
I am a doting dog parent but make it very clear that my animals are not some psychological replacement for “the real thing.” Dogs are a very important part of my extended family and the nuclear family I have with my husband. We love our animals and give them the best, however they are much different then having children. We are not as “footloose and fancy-free” as our childfree friends who have cats or no animals at all, but we are certainly less tethered then our childed friends. Niki DeFago’s comments are a slap in the face to those of us who are working hard to promote childfree acceptance and she should be ashamed of giving the parents the kind of “I told you so” fodder they look for when attacking us.
I was just as turned off by this flimsy article. I’ve lost all credibility for this woman, even though I liked her book. When I first saw the headline I thought she had dropped off the childfree wagon, (something I promise I won’t do after my book is released!)
What message is she trying to send? According to my survey, more CFs own pets than the nation’s average (in both the UK and the US). And many of us are avid animal lovers. In fact, we usually love kittens and puppies more than human infants. But why should this be compared to a gushy mommy?
Is DeFago’s message that “See, I’m normal now, because I have maternal instincts!” Or, is she just trying to make a quick buck on a mass-market article that will please parents more than CFs? (It won’t help her book sales!)
If she had ended the article with at least an assurance that she has no intentions of letting this “maternal instinct” effect her breeding plans, (or make some comparisons about how much easier/better it is to parent a dog) it may have gotten a laugh. Instead, the whole thing made me embarrassed for her.
-www.kidfreeandlovinit.com
I can’t even bring myself to reading it.
A dog or cat is definitely not a child. In the feeding/litter cleaning, they are like perpetual babies, but the care is much easier for more rewards. I sometimes refer to my cats and dog as my babies, but only in light-hearted jest, and certainly don’t think any maternal instincts are being stirred. Oy.
It’s rather a shame because I really liked her book and the way she is presenting herself in this article makes her an easy target for people with children to now dismiss her as another “nutty” childfree person who can’t tell the difference between a child and a pet. I love my cat, but as other’s have mentioned she is distinctly low maintenance compared to a child, even with her daily meds. Maybe Nikki is planning to write another book with the dog as child angle. Animal stories are big money makers, “Marly and Me” for instance. I guess only time will tell.
Wow. I really enjoyed DeFago’s book, but the article…wow. My husband and I have had dogs for 6 years and they are very definitely members of our family and we are admittedly dog “parents” and they are my “boys”. I love that when I come home from work every day it’s like a party because they’re so excited to see me (it’s nice to be loved), and our younger “baby” is a sweet, little cuddler. However, I have never once realistically thought of them as children. Children are the little nieces and nephews that we have a blast with and then collapse in relief when they leave. Children don’t allow you to go back to bed on the weekend. Children can’t be boarded when you want to take a long weekend. We happen to live in a very dog-friendly city, but we certainly don’t take our dogs to cafes or anywhere other than the dog park. Okay, that’s not entirely true, we do take them to my in-laws, but there are usually at least 4 other dogs around in that situation. Anyway, the point is, I love my dogs (I’m sitting between them on the sofa right now), but make no mistake: Dogs are not children. Maybe it’s unfair, but I’m disappointed in DeFago. She ought to know that, like it is with parents, unless you’re another dog owner, nobody gives a rip what you have to say about your “child”.
Ok, so I read your post once and had to re-read it again. I was completely confused at how she’s drawing such a hard and fast direct line between a child and a dog! I read her article hoping to get a little clarification and still, it sounds like a money plug to me. Tell them parents what they wanna hear, gush about the cute puppy, and animal lovers will flock her way too. So I’m still confused and looking at my relationship between my dogs and I and don’t see it. They’re dogs. They’re fun and loving and entertaining, as dogs. As dogs, they keep me active, they provide company when I’m alone at home, they make me feel protected too. But they’re dogs. If I wanna go out of town for a week, I go out of town for a week. If I want to go out on a friday night…well sorry pups, your dinner will be later than usual tonight and I’ll see you when I get home. Anyway. One thing that occured to me while reading her article is that I wonder if that dog would be banished from the house if she were to ever become pregnant. She sounds like she’s working her way up the chain.
All your comments are worth the effort blogging about the article. I too have lost all the respect I had for Nicki Defago. Not because she loves her pet.. it’s just the gushingness to ingratiate herself with parents. Explosive Bombchelle said it, a slap in the face for childfree people and more grist for the “I told you so’s” mill.
It’s sad if she thinks she’s “just another parent”. Her article actually showed how little she actually knows about parenting, making her another target. I no longer think of her as childfree. Perhaps a book is on the way… I didn’t think of that actually. If she gets pregnant I wonder for the dog too.
I’m just shaking my head. This is an example of someone going overboard for a pet, like some people do. But she needs not to get it twisted. After all, she’ll never have to change diapers or pay college tuition for a dog.
Oh dear, how the mighty have fallen… and she’s now gone Mutty! I also love ‘childfree and Loving it’ and feel thoroughly peeved that she’s behaving in this ridiculous fashion. Nikki, a dog is a dog, and it’s far less of a trial than a child. But then you should already be aware of that.
That’s really, really freaky. o_O I didn’t read the article and I’m not sure I want to. That’s just too bad. I loved Childfree and Loving it! even more since I live in the UK now.
Pet = Not child
I have to say it sounds a little to me like a publicity stunt. No better way to piss of a whole lot of mothers than by comparing a pet to a child.
I haven’t read her book, but the article was nauseating. I think there’s some effort there to jump on the pronatalist attention wagon (looka me! I’m a parent too!) and yet stay credible with the CF crowd (but but but, I could never change a diaper). [So picking up doggie poo in a plastic bag on walkies is easier ... ?]
The thing about pets, dogs, cats, birds, whatever, is that (a) they become adults much faster than human children and (b) their reactions are keyed to many things we can’t even sense.
I love the difference. It’s a lot more like living with aliens from another planet than it is with surrogate children. You really have to make allowances for the things that interest or frighten them. It is not an automatic understanding, the way it can be with another person. And I never see reflections of myself in my cats!
I feel sorry for DeFago’s dog. It’s allowed to have caffeine and pick up stray chicken bones? She doesn’t understand the animal’s needs at all.
I’m betting she’ll be the proud parent of another obnoxious human ‘pet’ within 5 years. Any takers?
Kidfree Kaye:
Hi there! It’s Chris from the CF list…the one from Cleveland. I’m glad to see you read and post here too!
As for the article about dogs and kids — I have recently had a few experiences that shape my view on this. The last week in February, my wife and I dog-sat for her sister and family while they vacationed. I loved watching the dog, taking her for walks, etc., and my wife and I decided that a dog would be a good thing to have. (Haven’t gotten one yet, but looking!)
By contrast, I have an extremely bratty nephew that makes me cringe whenever I hear he will be coming over. The difference between how I feel toward the dog and the nephew is like night and day. One relaxes and cheers me, the other inspires dread and anxiety.
To me, even the healthiest, most-well-behaved child causes ten time more stress than a dog. To insinuate that a dog is a “practice baby” or that if you like dogs, you’ll like kids is foolish and dangerous. Any pets or children such a person has is likely to suffer from this delusion.
Britgirl: Thanks for posting all of these articles and links, and stimulating discussion! This is one of the best CF blogs/sites I have visited.
I found a lot about the article that I could relate to – I have my Shiba inu and take his upbringing very seriously. He’s a big part of my life and I see a lot of similarities between my responsibilities towards him and my friends’ responsibilities to their offspring.
She lost me at, “I hate leaving Chula to go to work in the morning. I feel guilty if I feel she’s short of exercise. I worry that she won’t eat vegetables.” Look, lady, you can feel guilty if your dog hasn’t been walked properly, but hating to leave her? Worried about her eating vegetables? What. The. Fuck.
One of my pet peeves about dog ownership in general is anthopomorphism. That’s imbuing animals with human characteristics and it’s not only stupid, it’s dangerous. Dogs aren’t people and in even the most loving and caring relationship, the dog is always aware of any behaviour that might indicate a chance to climb higher up the ladder. Dogs need socialization and obedience training, not blissful odes to their charming idiosyncracies. (Guess you’ve all figured out by now that I hated Marley and Me with a blistering passion)
How many stories have the dog-inclined among us heard about “ickle Poopsie didn’t like the groomer, no she didn’t and when it was time for Poopsie’s nails to be cut, she nipped the girl – Poopsie hates to be handled roughly!” Read: Poopsie took a HUGE fucking chunk out of a girl’s hand because she had the temerity to lift Poopsie’s paw up for nail clipping.
I hope to Dog that Defago knows the difference between loving/adoring Chula and treating her like a baby. Because Chula is half Jack Russell Terrier; a breed of near-inexhaustible energy and a HIGH dominance streak. If Defago isn’t keeping the baby crap confined to her keyboard, one day Chula may well take a chunk out of her or out of one of the kids Defago is so happily identifying her with.
I would never equate my cats with children, it’s insulting to the cats.
As an animal lover who is a horse and dog trainer I was appalled to read and absorb this woman’s attitude. You and the other commenters have said it all. This woman is a space cadet who may indeed decide that her “dog” experience was just what she needed to encourage her to have a baby. If so, then the dog and the offspring have my sympathy. Sheesh … some people [she rolls her eyes].
I read every word of the article and while the pictures of her pup are adorable, she goes too far.
Just when I was about to finally get around to buying her book, too!! Why does she have to go out and make herself a mommy type for her dog? I have a dog, a shih-tzu, whom I love dearly. He’s a dog, I know he’s a dog, and while I adore him, there’s no delusions about him being a baby. Of course she cares for her pet, if she didn’t, she wouldn’t be a good pet owner. Human beings grow attached to, and love, their pets but it can be too much.
It sounds to me like this once-advocate for the childfree should have perhaps given more thought to her decision. How sad, really. I feel for her, if only because she seems to be trying to fill a void in her life that the truly childfree shouldn’t have in the first place.
You dont want to have children but treat your four-legged friend like one..??
Helloooooo! Wake-up call!!
Even if I understand worries about loneliness in old age, I have never been more determined than now about my own choice to be CF.
After some recent climbing, the fence is gone for good! And I will not get a dog.
Kristyn, you should still read her Nicki DeFago’s book; it was written well before this incident. It’s got a lot of good insights and she’s really good about extrapolating diverse views. It’s not just some liberal-feminist text coming from the left-wing, but extremely balanced that even a man can access it.
It is rather sad she flipped like this, though. And reading her posts…God, it’s like she got bent and was in denial all this time. Especially reading her book I’m really wondering if it was just some stage in her life where she got political and eventually got over it (like so many of my “die hard” liberal friends from university, heh).
Hello. I only just caught up with these comments. Don’t believe what you read in the papers!! The article bears little (if any) resemblance to the interview I gave to the paper, who wrote the story they wanted to write. Not to say I don’t like the dog – but I still have everything very much in perspective and am happily childfree.
Best Wishes to everyone,
Nicki Defago.
Hi Nicki – I shouldn’t be surprised really. Trust the media to skew everything – who cares about the trutth?. Thanks for dropping in and commenting here though… and I still love your book. Best wishes.