Childfree people are routinely (and smugly) told by parents that they’ll never know happiness (or love) until they’ve had a child.. or a couple of children, or that having a child will make their life complete. Even if the words aren’t used directly the implication is there. Accompanied by the phrase, “Oh, it’s hard work but it’s SO rewarding!” Or, “it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I am SO glad I had them, I’m so happy” Few and far between are the “don’t do it, it’s not worth it” responses. But we’re used to that.
The childfree can make up their own minds.
Having kids won’t make you happy
Clearly having children can be rewarding. Often it isn’t. But even when parents know it hasn’t been rewarding for them they still insist that it’s the way to go that having children will make them happy… or happier. Doesn’t matter how much grief little Johnny brings… it’s worth it. Because, after all you’ve had a child. Isn’t that what it’s all about?
So, when I read this article (thanks for sending the link Caroline) the first thought I had was… well, we know that already. Despite all the insistence by parents (and wanna-be parents) that children make you happy there have been many studies that show they don’t, and that in fact the happiness factor plummets in a relationship once the kids come along. The author quotes some similar studies himself (at least think it’s a him).
It also highlights something else… that people in the main have children not so much from some altruistic notion of keeping the species going but for their own selfish ends… to make them happy – or to reduce their likelihood of being unhappy. While they tell the childfree that they are selfish for not having children (i.e. choosing to create their own happiness) they pursue parenthood precisely for their own selfish reasons, but then turn round and call themselves selfless for having them.
What makes one happy differs from person to person.. at least if they use their own brains, think for themselves and don’t get sucked into the sheep-like motions of pro-creating just because they believe the myth they’re being sold. So many couples with broken relationships have children to “mend” the relationship.
Happiness is what you make it. Things outside you can make you happy, but for the most part I’ve found it comes from within. Which is why I questioned the preaching from the mostly exhausted and unhappy parents at me and other childfree people that we’re missing out, that they couldn’t be happier and that our lives are empty because we don’t have a couple of kids in tow.
Right.
My questions would be why is the onus of “making you happy” put on the children in the first place?
There’s a lot more I could say about this article, however I will leave you to add your comments.
Some other articles we’ve discussed that prove having children contribute to the general unhappiness.. although it’s probably the parent’s fault not the kids. The person who wrote the Times article should check these out. Never mind studies, these are parents who clearly are miserable… and who probably bought into the “have a kid and you’ll be happy” myth.
Red Whine or White – Moms Are Angry at Dads
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{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }
Why, you ask?
Because it’s the Dream. Get married, buy house, raise babies. That’s what’s supposed to make you happy, and therefore, it will.
It WILL, dammit!
It’s as you say, Britgirl, happiness comes from within. It takes effort and work and authenticity to listen to your inner voice and follow where it leads. Often times it leads somewhere different from where society says we should be happy. Most people don’t want to rock the boat or do the work of listening to themselves so they buy into the Dream, as Kristen mentions. That way they don’t have to think. Only after trying all the trappings and realizing it isn’t making them happy do people start questioning things. Even that can make them uncomfortable and a lot of times they don’t want to admit they’ve made choices they regret or that didn’t work out as how society said it would. But people want to keep being right and that’s why they push their views on the childfree. They can justify their choices and tell themselves they’re happy, even if they aren’t.
One of my favorite quotes is “happy people simply don’t judge other peoples life choices.” The people I know who seem to be actually happy, both parents or childfree, are exactly that – they don’t judge other peoples life choices. They’re too busy actually being happy!
RMS, you bring up such a GREAT point!
I’ve often wondered, in telling people that I’ve never wanted children, why they even CARE, or why ANYONE cares that I’m having kids! A CF people we know how it feels for people, whether they be friends or strangers, to chastise us for a CF way of living when it DOESN”T even affect them at all, and has NOTHING to do with them!
But you’re so right, they probably do it because they themselves are unhappy with the decisions they’ve made. If they truly were happy as parents, why would they care what anyone else does?
Also, to elaborate on the “but you’ll never know true happiness” point, I don’t know if I should feel touched that these people “care” so much about my happiness, or annoyed that they act like they know what makes me happy better than I do. But again, back to the original question, why does anybody even care?! I don’t care that they ARE having children, why do they care that I’m not?
RMS, you bring up such a GREAT point!
I’ve often wondered, in telling people that I’ve never wanted children, why they even CARE, or why ANYONE cares that I’m not having kids! Being CF we know how it feels for people, whether they be friends or strangers, to chastise us for a CF way of living when it DOESN”T even affect them at all, and has NOTHING to do with them!
But you’re so right, they probably do it because they themselves are unhappy with the decisions they’ve made. If they truly were happy as parents, why would they care what anyone else does?
Also, to elaborate on the “but you’ll never know true happiness” point, I don’t know if I should feel touched that these people “care” so much about my happiness, or annoyed that they act like they know what makes me happy better than I do. But again, back to the original question, why does anybody even care?! I don’t care that they ARE having children, why do they care that I’m not?
oops! didn’t mean to post that twice, if anyone knows how to delete the first one, it would be much appreciated.
I’m a long time reader first time poster. Thanks for the great blog and interesting discussions.
Nothing in this article is particularly earth shattering, as has already been pointed out. The comments are more of the usual. What frustrates me about those protesting the original author’s conclusions is that they pull out the stupid “you don’t know what REAL love/happiness/whatever is until you have kids” line. Really? Did it ever occur to them that maybe they’re emotionally stunted and they’ve failed at their other relationships? I’m guessing not. I don’t have kids, obviously, but I’ve loved so deeply and been so happy that I didn’t think I could stand it at times. I don’t think a squalling, mucus covered human pooping machine could really make me any happier than I’ve ever been. I’m pretty sure that the same thing holds for other CF folks out there. The presumptuousness of it is galling. Not to mention the fact that saying things like this is pretty insulting to their significant others.
A couple of others here have pegged it already. Truly happy people don’t judge the road that others take to happiness.
Partly I think it’s a reaction to the fact that we have more options. Previously, especially for women, getting married and having babies was just what you did. Happiness was not the point. It was considered unseemly in some cultures. However, once we have the option of saying no, the “happiness” argument came to the fore to pressure people into keeping the social norms. It was like what Betty Friedan (I have huge problems with some of what she says, but that’s not the point here) said, that once it became clear in the 1940s and 1950s that women couldn’t be kept at home by legal means, it had to be done with what was essentially emotional blackmail.
It’s the same thing here. The social norms are praised as the only route to happiness, because people today don’t react well to being told “you’re doing this, regardless of your happiness, and that’s final”. Their happiness is their main concern (as it should be) but a warped one-size-fits-all view of happiness is shoved down their throats. This is kept going by people who have bought into it and who feel they can’t question it because no one else seems to question the fundamentals (they’ll whine about subsidised healthcare and maternity leave, as well as their partners, but not the having babies part). It’s a shame, because it makes it very difficult to let people question whether they’re willing or able to procreate.
Great quote and comments. Liked the post, it does not hurt with another confirmation of the facts.
From time to time I catch myself wanting one when I see a charming and sweet child…but it is not going to happen.
Many things shine like gold before you hold it in your hands but most things loose their spark after some time. When parents show off in the public they want to shine and they want to be like the rest (and the rest to be like them).
I dont judge peoples decision to have kids (despite the fact that I believe most problems are due to overpopulation) but I judge the society we have become and dont want to be forced to follow the social norm which makes our lifes miserable.
A parents life is (or should be) mostly focused on the child. This affect a parenst behavior and opportunities, including their interaction with other people of the social norm.
CF is definetly the best kept secret. And I would not voluntarily put myself in a situation where I had to end up talking, walking and living like the rest (child-centered world).
What pleasure is life if it is always dictated by someone else. Either it is your kids tantrums or the social norm.
Sure being CF can put you a little on the side, but a CF definetly dont depend so much on being inside.
“A parents life is (or should be) mostly focused on the child.”
I actually think this is a modern myth told to parents to keep them in their places. You have to parent this way, otherwise little Jonnie will be a serial killer.
Throughout history, though, most kids were regarded either as financial security — keeping the riches in the family — or as a source of labor. “Seen and not heard” is a method that has only recently fallen away.
As Irishgirl pointed out, people now have more options, and parents especially have to be browbeaten to emphasize their children and the associated activities.
This is the main reason I chose not to parent — not that I don’t like kids, but that I know what ‘good’ parenting would do to me, and I simply won’t become that person.
The comments on the Independent article are a case in point. The people who have kids have nothing original to say in their own defense; all they can do is sputter and throw platitudes about how ‘kids make you fulfilled’.
(And did you see the comment from the parent who gave good/bad ratios on each of 3 children?!)
They are truly trapped in the Dream Kristen mentioned above. Thank god that isn’t me!
Sorry, I meant the Times article in the first link. Not enough coffee yet!
I caught a part of that show about the British nanny, you know, where she comes into the homes of people who have been living in hell because their brats are about to drive them to murder? Yeah, that looks awesome. A love like no other. I totally get it.
Oh, but those are exceptions, right? Those are fixable, they are all the parents’ fault, that’s only while they’re little, bla bla bla. I’m sure those people feel thrilled, happy, and a love like no other as they screech at their spouse and spend their days yelling, wiping, cleaning, being kicked and pooped on. The family I saw on that show totally looked like it was worth it! The husband checked out completely, the wife screeched like a harpie, the house looked like a gypsy camp and the twin brats screeched ALL DAY for candy, toys, attention, etc. and refused to use toilets. At the age of 5. I’m sure that the husband thought it was awesome, exactly as he wanted to live his life, and the wife looked a tickle away from a straight jacket.
Now I don’t know what THAT love like no other feels like, but as great as it looks, I think I’ll stick to my own love like no other – sex every day, a nice, slow meal with wine every night, and on the weekends, a late wake up, brunch, a jog with my husband and then a cuddle in bed with a book or a movie. I know, totally not as much fun as being a chauffeur / maid / laundress / cleaner / slave for some demon who doesn’t care one bit for me and doesn’t even realize I’m a PERSON. But I’ll take mine anyway, thanks.
My mother asked me if I’ll someday be jealous of my friends with children, you know, when my husband and I cool off and grow bored with each other. Ha! Cause if we lose our love, what could be better than a screeching brat to provide levity for our divorce proceedings? It doesn’t even occur to people that maybe those who don’t have the misery of children will not ever “cool off” and fall out of love?
Here’s something I saw on CF Hardcore. I’m not sure if it’s been here, but I giggled:
“Have you experienced the greatest joy a woman can ever know?”
“Yes, I’ve had multiple orgasms.”
I still haven’t worked up the nerve to say it to my African relatives when they call. (“Are you a girl, or are you a mother?” Grrr…)
Firefly:
Yes, many parents of today are too busy chasing other opportunities than pay attention to their kids. But even if children dont have to be held in their hand 24/7, a neglected child is not pretty…and up to a certain age parents have quite some caretaking to do (= why I am not a parent).
Occasionally I have a mild regret about not taking the plunge, simply because the genes we have as a couple are pretty freakin’ awesome (we’re both writers and my husband is a musician as well). But having enough nephews, nieces, children of friends etc allows us to enjoy part-time parenting with the relief associated when we hand them back.
My other pet peeve is when people assume you’re infertile if you don’t have kids. No, I don’t want them, and I am not a freak.
Lurker,
I’m not talking about neglect, just about the way standards of ‘good’ parenting have changed over time.
When I was growing up, not so very long ago, my parents treated us as important, but certainly not the center of the universe. We were more a part of their lives than we had our own separate little spheres of play dates and sports outings.
I think the shift is partly why so many kids seem self-centered these days. Instead of being encouraged to grow up and be adults, they appear to be stuck in a kind of age ghetto complete with toy furniture and cellphones.
I’m glad I’m not in charge of creating and maintaining that environment.
Great post, britgirl and interesting article!
I may have mentioned before that I’m a big fan of Erich Fromm. One of my favorite titles of his is “Escape From Freedom” and his basic premise is that as much as we humans fight for the right to have freedom of choice in all aspects of our lives, for most people “choice” is very anxiety provoking. Belonging and feeling a part of a larger group is a very strong driving force. Applying Fromm’s perspective to parenting, while many “choose” to have children, perhaps it is really a reaction to alleviate anxiety by fitting in. Maybe they aren’t certain that they can make themselves happy and at least the responsibility/task management inherent in child rearing provides a daily imperative that fights back the anxiety. Not happy, but hopefully too busy to notice?
Firefly: Get you point. And actually they are close to my own view.
I heard the story of a CF successful couple. They had strong economy, good jobs, health and travelled the world. But in their mid-fourthies they now wanted to have custody for a child. Among their reasons were the prospect of another 20 years of work and just more of the same they have experienced so far in life. Anybody else here had thoughts like that??
Isn’t that basically a rehashing of the “What if you regret it?” If you somehow managed to experience absolutely everything there is in life by the time you are 40 and want to experience a child, I think the premise is a bit lame, but go ahead. It seems that perhaps the people in question are afraid to make a FINAL decision. While younger, they called themselves child free but always with an option to change their mind. Upon getting close to 40, they panic because they might actually have to be committed to being child free, for ever. I’m sure most people feel that way, I am guessing I will too when getting to that age. I mean, its easy to feel confident in your choice when you can change your mind any time. When you can no longer and you have to commit forever, it’s always scary. I mena, most other things we pretend are “commitments” really aren’t – a mortgage, a marriage. We can get out of those commitments with a bit of time and money. But not having a child isn’t something you can reverse at 60. I do think that having a child solely because you worry about regretting NOT having one will not go very well. It’s not a coat on sale, that you grab just in case you never see another one like it again. I personally can’t think of another reason to have a child except that one, either. It’s just a matetr of succumbing to that fear or not.
og217: Thanks for good points. And your last sentence probably contains much truth.
I am approaching 40 in a couple of years, but thats really no big deal. The problem is that my PRESENT gf is close to age where decisions need to be made if children should be part of the script.
I dont like to talk behind my gf`s back but it seem like the child or no child issue is going to be a deal-breaker. I have reconsidered the CF issue so many times the last year that I start wonder if I love her enough or simply know very strongly that parenting is not for me. It seem like it will be her and children or nothing at all.
When I think about it I have probably been CF my whole life. Desire for freedom and to feel repulsive of social norm goes way back.
I see the possible pit-falls as a CF. Feeling lonely when my own parents are gone and the lack of challenge because I do not have that extra dimention in life the parents brag about.
Still so far, my greates fear has been to reproduce and regret it later. Even though I would take my responsibility well, I cant feel happy and at the same time think of the lost freedom and new worries a child would bring.
Earlier the above whining would be me=ambigious. But now its more that i understand how seriously unhappy I risk to be if forced to follow the life so carefully set up for parents. Probably I would escape and thats not a pretty scenario.
Usually I dont hesitate much to follow my goals. And I belive the (unnecessary) energy I spent on this topic last year is due to other peoples influences instead of what I want myself.
Okey. Enough whining. Thanks for listening. I believe CF holds excellent prognosis.
Two things…
I will be 40 this year, and still have absolutely no desire to have a child in my life. I think there is a definite “myth of regret” that goes along with the myth of parental happiness. Simply put, if you are happy with yourself, and your life…what is there to regret? Not having had children to upend it? You may as well regret not having the opportunity to travel to Mars. Few things in life are more horrible to witness than a person who has had a child they never desired simply because they worry they’ll regret not doing so.
Also, I’ve known exactly 2 sets of parents who I never heard complain about their children. TWO. Every other set of parents I’ve known has brought up at least a couple complaints about their lives revolving around the children in nearly every conversation over 5 minutes long. That in itself has shown me that the wonder and joy in parenting is a myth, if not an outright lie.
@Lurker
“but it seem like the child or no child issue is going to be a deal-breaker. I have reconsidered the CF issue so many times the last year that I start wonder if I love her enough or simply know very strongly that parenting is not for me. It seem like it will be her and children or nothing at all. ”
I’m curious – does your girlfriend not know you don’t want kids and are childfree? Or is she holding out for you to change your mind and have a kid to prove you love her? You can love someone and yet know that parenting isn’t for you… You clearly love her enough to be honest, so perhaps the question is does she love you enough to accept your choice… or it going to be love = becoming a parent?
@Lee – I agree, the need to “fit in” is stronger than people are willing to admit. Having a baby or several of them is “the norm” and even when people find the norm isn’t really them, they can’t possibly admit it and spend the rest of their lives strenously justifying it.
The thing is, I woudn’t even really care – except for the fact that the same parents take it upon themselves to preach to the “uncoverted” about how much others are missing out. Doesn’t seem to matter that others are quite happy in and of themselves or with each other… as long as they don’t have kids they can’t be happy.
Yet, guess who’s miserable behind the scenes? it’s not the childfree.
@feh – the “myth of regret” is alive and well. Before 40 we’re simpy told we’ll regret not having kids, in the hope we will take fright, rush off and pop some out to stave of the forthcoming regret, or satisfy someone or get with the program… After 40 it’s “Don’t you regret not having had your own kids?”
Britgirl: I’m with you 100%! Whenever anyone tries to convert me about anything, in most cases I realize that it’s because the choice I have made makes them nervous–especially when it comes to reproduction. I think I’ve mentioned it a couple times here, but the women who have grilled me about “when” or “what am I waiting for” usually communicate with a very overt tone of anger or snarkiness. Why anything I should do with my own life would make them angry is a mystery to me. The only conclusion I’ve drawn is the anger towards me comes from their own unhappiness.
Another interesting thing Fromm said is that people who can stay the course and follow their own soul mission are more evolved/actualized than those who have succumbed to societal norms. It takes courage and a thoughtful examination of who you are and how you want your life to unfold.
I’ll add my two cents to the over 40 topic. I’m a couple years over 40. As a woman you realize that the opportunities to have a child through your own efforts are dwindling. But I only think about it because it’s in my face what with the gazillion stories about IVF and women nearing retirement still trying to pop out babies as if that is now normal and expected.
I do know a couple of women who are 48 and 50 respectively who have jumped through a million flaming hoops to get pregnant. They waited to have kids and then suddenly went into panic mode. As much as they put themselves through with hormone injections and expensive invitro and traveling to foreign countries for implantation they don’t seem overjoyed with the results of their efforts. They are both tired all the time and very cranky. They’ll both be over 60 and still have children in grade school. What’s up with that?? Neither is financially well off so will have the additional burden of educating a child with money that was put aside for retirement. If the marriages should not survive the added stresses of parenthood, I see the burden of childcare falling with the mothers. Alimony and child support would not be forthcoming from their husbands based upon historical analysis.
To me, their actions defy logic. In both cases they married younger men who wanted children. I’m sure left to their own devices and without pressure from their mates they would have gone on living as they had, both were very independent, active women. They didn’t want to lose their mates, but they’ve lost other things as a result and I don’t know if it was worth it. They will say, “of course it was worth it” but what could they say after spending tens of thousands of dollars and delivering a child that isn’t going back?
In my humble opinion, living in the midst of stroller central in my neighborhood, the mad rush to procreate is just another aspect of the “must have it all” mentality–the perfect mate, career, apt, house in the country, car and children as accessories. The frenzied sense of competition from these types is almost palpable–but my antennae certainly aren’t picking up a sense of inner contentment.
I think for people in the “now-or-never” crunch, or people with pressuring mates it’s important to understand that you are not chosing between life A – alone without your awesome partner, and life B – with your awesome partner and kids. Your awesome partner is for all intents and purposes, dead. You are chosing between life A – a life without your awesome partner. Perhaps you are alone, perhaps you are with a different person. Choice B is a life with a PARENT and children. Review that in your head. The awesome partner will change. If it’s a woman, more so. Physically, emotionally, they will be a completely different person. Your relationship will drastically change, and for the worse – sexually, financially. This new person will be pretty sttressed, they will give you a lot less attention, they will require you to do a lot more, as will they, and there will be a lot less money in the house. This will go on for abut 25 years, if you are fortunate, and forever if not. The only thing that may make this worth your while is if you genuinly like, want and enjoy children. Not like one kid. Like, babies, and toddlers, and 8-year-olds, and 14-year-olds, and 18-year-olds. Because they will all inhabit your house and take over your life and your relationship. I think often people give in to the idea of a child hoping to keep their mate. But then after the child is born, they realize the person their mate has become is not one they want to be with. THAT mistake is referred to as “alimony and child support” in popular culture.
og27 Thank you for eloquently making such an obvious point, that I had so completely overlooked! Suddenly things seem a lot clearer.
Excellent analysis og! The two women I referred to are shadows of their former selves. In one case, her husband had turned her household into a militaristic camp for child rearing. He made her cut her hair super short because it was taking “too long to style” in the morning before she went to her full-time job when SHE was supposed to be taking care of the baby (she makes more money than he does). If she was spending time on, GASP, grooming, then he had to take care of the baby. Now when I call the house to talk to her, he makes her get off of the telephone if the now toddler is acting up because he doesn’t want to deal with it. Um, this is the same guy who wanted kids so badly. The last time she came to visit me, she was so exhausted she fell asleep on the sofa in the middle of a conversation and I felt so badly for her I let her sleep for one hour!
Ladies, beware hitching your wagon to a man who wants kids if you are on the fence unless you know very well that he will take responsibility for his share of the care taking. Otherwise, you can kiss YOUR life goodbye! Unless, of course you don’t mind raising a child on your own and having your “partner” ogling every non-mom woman that walks past him while you are pushing the carriage. I see this all the time and it even happens to me and I’m over 40 (though look considerably younger than women my age with kids).
For every man who helps out, there are probably ten more who think it’s women’s work to take care of the kids and the house (and I’m talking about women who have full time jobs).
Bottomline: Don’t ever do anythng you can’t undo to keep someone in a relationship because chances are high it will ultimately blow up in your face.
In regard to the idea of regret – if you have had an opportunity to do something for about 25 years of your life and you hadn’t felt like it, or hadn’t gotten around to doing it, I don’t really see how you can come to desperately, bitterly, hysterically regret it. If you made a daily choice for 25 years to not get pregnant or impregnate someone, it just doesn’t make very much sense to me that a burning desire to do so would spring forth. It’s a different story if you couldn’t ever get laid, or if you never met anyone at all nice, etc. but what are the odds? People who wanted children found themselves having children, adopting children, etc. People who wanted huge love affairs, or careers or travel or just ease of being found themselves doing just that. If you used birth control for decades, youwere daily affirming a choice. That really can’t be “regretted” because you had not ever changed your mind.
I wonder here if there isn’t something going on where people are looking to validate their choice, rather than just making it? The person with the friend whose husband made (?) her cut her hair short? That sounds a crap relationship, with or without children. Having a child won’t make a relationship better, in fact it will make many relationships rock to their foundations.
I also think that a difference of view about having children needs to be acknowledged and people may just need to go their separate ways. In just the same way as it would be wrong for lurker to go into parenthood knowing he did not want a child, but wanted to keep his girlfriend, it would be wrong for someone with a strong urge to be a parent (and if you don’t have it perhaps you don’t know how visceral it can be) to forego that to keep her boyfriend. It is not a question in either direction of “loving someone enough”. It is a fundamental choice. No one should force parenthood or childlessness upon another. Sometimes you can’t have it all, you just have to decide what you want most and live the life that follows.
Actually Elizabethm, my friends did not have a “crap: relationship before they had kids. They are both professionals who have very interesting jobs/lives traveled alot and had a lot of friends and good family. The point that is being made here is that kids can change a good relationship to a bad one because one or the other of the parents can change in response to having a child/children. Often people underestimate how much children change your life and how much stress can be added to the lives of a two career marriage. And unless you marry someone who already had kids, you don’t know how your mate will respond to the stresses of parenting. I wonder if you aren’t here to validate your choice? It is normal for people to join groups who share a particular lifestyle. Whether it be parenting, child-free, puppies or parakeets. What is weird is when you hang around and comment about something that doesn’t interest you. Maybe you should check out the post by Britgirl on “angrymoms” with accompanying links to an article, study and actual posts from angry, exhausted moms and the anger the have towards their husbands. My friend is not alone in her experience.
Elizabethm seems to belabor the point that it’s really only weak relationships do not survive challenges and are ended by natural selection, if you will. Therefore, the implication seems to be that we must suspect ourselves and our relationships to be weak which is why we shy away from a real test, like a child.
First of all, I would like to say that anyone who makes major personal decisions because of a stranger’s taunt or “challenge” is a complete and utter fool, and fully deserves something horrid, like octuplets, or an unwanted sex-change.
Secondly, the value and solidity of a relationship is not proven by creating and possibly overcoming unnecessary hurdles put forth by one partner to test the other. Constant “testing” is a matter of insecurity and the “tester” will often find that they alienate the “testee.”
Thirdly, there is a wonderful saying that a smart man learns from his mistakes; a wise man learns from the mistakes of others and a fool never learns. I see myself as wise and don’t need to go around reinventing the wheel of “a marriage ruined by children and the unhappiness that ensues causes a midlife crises.”
People who have had children have to defend their choice and since its a completely illogical one, they defend it with mystical things like “you don’t know what you’re missing” and “it’s all worth it” and a “love like no other.” Otherwise they’d have to admit that they are envious of our freedoms, money, bodies, relationships, sex lives, careers, happiness, opportunities and peace. When petty people are envious or feel inferior, they tend to disparage those they envy. Fat people call everyone fit “anorexic bimbo” and people with crap jobs call successful wealthy people “stuck up arseholes with no soul.” It’s the same thing – that in order to have depth, soul, meaning in life one must suffer – poverty, illness, children, divorce. That’s the stuff of virtue. Happiness? No, too easy.
I suppose its easier to analyze if you weren’t brought up with lots of religion and see is from a distance liek I do.
Both me and my husband disliked children so badly, we discussed not wanting any of our own before we got engaged. for years, we were pretty happy. then a couple who were totally cool and very interesting, had a baby, and…despite what I expected, they remained cool and funny, and entertaining. the baby did not convert them into breeders, who both my husband and I thought were the most boring group ever.
)) I have a dog as well, so I know how it feels. But yet, I appreciate, having been on the other side, that there definitely are benefits of not having any. freedom, sleep….travel is easier…lots of things. But having one is fun. I would now recommend it to my friends. But only if you train it properly. so you get to have your own life too. 
Then, another cool couple had a baby. and again, we enjoyed their company. what is more important, their growing children were well behaved, and did not RULE their lives. So we decided, maybe it is not such a scary thing after all. and had a baby of our own. I would not say it changed the way I dislike some other children, especially when they are badly behaved. I also still dislike some parents, who are just too obsessive about their kids, and forget themselves in the process. However, I do think that having my child made us a lot happier. there is just that amazing love you experience. that’s what it is. someone else to love and watch become a person. it is a bit like having a dog, only 10 times more fun.
I think a child making a couple “a lot happier” is unusual at best and is only recommendable for couples who are impossibly happy and want children. This is a dangerous message to couples that are not so happy because it implies that a child can change all that for the better. I’m all for thoughtful and introspective people having children and being thrilled to bits. I am just very much opposed to unhappy, unsure, lonely people trying to “complete” themselves or whatnot and then waging a war to convince others that their way works.
My decision to not have children has nothing to do with me not liking them or finding them scary.
I have friends who have kids and didn’t become kid obsessed or dullards, but that still has zero impact on my decision to not have any. I also have a god daughter whom I adore and she and her sister and brother are honestly three of the most delightful, well mannered, well behaved children that I have spent time with. But, these kids didn’t get that way by waving a magic wand. When my sister and brother-in-law aren’t working, they spend every waking moment with their kids who are at different stages of development. It certainly shows, but it is most definitely hard work and not always easy. They both have full time jobs and if they did not have the benefit of extended family helping out with child care they could not have pulled it off.
I would never recommend having a child to anyone-even if I had an entire flock and was voted parent of the year. It is too important a decision and for as much as you think you know your friends, no one really knows the private dynamics in any relationship or how they will be affected by having a child or whether or not someone else will make a good parent. I have to wonder if there wasn’t some feeling of being left out by the poster scary azeri since her friends were all having kids.
I know a couple who never showed an interest in having kids. They put it off and put it off and regaled us with horror stories about the husband’s horribly behaved nephew and niece and his sister who worked and had no time for her kids and another couple whose lives were ruined because they had adopted and the child ended up having major behavioral problems. Then they started spending time around other people with kids and one baby was apparently really cute so the husband decided, “let’s have a kid”. I was very skeptical given that both he and his wife are rather self-absorbed. They have a child now, almost one year old, and if anything it has caused a tremendous strain in their marriage. Before the baby arrived, the father was all gung-ho about taking him to work and/or working from home a few days a week to share in the child care. Then reality set in. Within a month they were looking for day care and the father was out of his mind because they baby woke him up at night and he needs nine hours of sleep to function. The wife is frustrated because she can’t go to her art classes and the gym like she used to and the bulk of the childcare falls on her. It seems the child’s cuteness is besides the point at this juncture.
And while some aspects of child-rearing may be fun, to raise a responsible, well balanced, well adjusted human being requires parenting that is not just about being a buddy. Too many parents think of having a child in terms of what they are going to get out of it, “fun”, “love”, “belonging”, “baby as status accessory” and not so much about what they are going to put into it.
Comparing having a child to having a dog is a bit of a stretch, in my opinion as has been discussed on this blog.
Lee – I totally agree with the points you have raised.
So many people seem to conveniently ‘forget’ the more difficult aspects of child care, notwithstanding the number of expectant mothers I have met who seem to have no idea that their infant will, one day, mature into a teenager and thereafter an adult.
I’m also really interested in the ads that feature on UK TV (and, to the best of my knowledge, elsewhere) that seem to depict caring for an infant as one long round of cuddles, beaming smiles and lavender-scented nappy wipes.
Hell, I’ve never been round babies for long enough to find out about the wipes, but even I know it’s not like that – if you’re very lucky, you’ll be allowed to sleep for a few hours; if not, you may have little more than a passing acquaintence with a comfy chair for a few minutes at a time for the next three years.
Inevitably, when people discover it’s NOT all kittens and roses, tempers fray, depression sets in, relationships crumble and people wonder where the myth they were sold has gone.
I don’t doubt for a minute that some aspects of child rearing can be fantastic – I’m just of the opinion that not enough of it sells itself well enough to me to try it.
My views, Im am a 31 year old woman who does not have children. I am not saying a child wont come into my life in the future but I have a few things to say. I have been a nanny for 12 years because I love kids. However, I got to witness how much time, energy, effort, and yes stress it causes to raise a child. there are many rewards yes and I wouldnt trade my memories of being a nanny for these children for anything.
Reasons I am hesitant:
My life: I was raised by a single mother and saw how hard my mom had it raising me, I was maried and divorced already because my husband flipped out on me, and at that time before the divorce I really wanted kids with him. I went through emotional hell and was so thankful I didnt go through that with kids.
I feel life is a mystery and I dont want to make a gamble. I dont ever want to be a single mom and if you choose to have children then there is always a chance you will have to raise them alone.
I dont have a lot of money and I know how it is to not have money. The fun times I had with children as a nanny were when I actually took them to places in which they had fun, like music class and gymboree and those things cost money. A bored child with little toys and nothing to do is a miserable child, a child without the best educational experience is also a miserable child. It takes 200k or more to raise a child and in this economy its a big gamble.
Raising the next generation is a beautiful experience but what about your generation? 20 years of your life is spent taking care of someone else and believe me taking care of kids is a 24/7 job leaving you no time for anyone else. Either that or you hire a great nanny like me for $12hr but you need to make 5k or more to pay a nanny 2k a month. Plus, children would rather be with their parents then a nanny full tiime anyways is my true feeling.
Back to what about your generation…raising you….Because you spend 24/7 raising kids who has time to raise yourself.
I get to spend more time furthering my education, more time with my boyfriend, more time volunteering, more time to travel, and more money to invest in making myself the best I can be. I will also have more money saved for retirement to enjoy a fun lifestyle with friends and my partner.
I am not saying having a child is out of the question, if a soul chooses me to be their parent in this lifetime then I will do my best to provide the child the best, I do believe that if in spirit you were ment to have children you will. A child chooses you after all.
As for now I am satisfied being a nanny and having no children of my own.
Jamie