Here’s a question a reader asked me recently.
One of the many reasons people often give for wanting kids is that they feel their kids will love them unconditionally. I used to be “bingoed” with it this way when I mentioned I was happily childfree: “But don’t you want the unconditional love of a child? Clearly that was never a reason for me to hurriedly abandon my childfree status, however even then I had a hard time believing that children always loved their parents unconditionally, particularly when they were older.
So the note from one of our readers struck me as an interesting topic for discussion. Here’s what she wrote:
“I have had several people tell me that since I don’t want to have children, I will never know the “unconditional” love a child gives his/her parents. I talked with my best friend about this. She is a mother, but not a breeder type of mother. She said that people who have kids and think the kids will love THEM unconditionally have it all wrong. She said that parents are supposed to love kids unconditionally, but that kids most definitely DO NOT love parents unconditionally.
I am just wondering why some people honestly think that their kids will always love them unconditionally. Maybe it’s one thing when the kids are really little. But you and I both know that as kids grow up, they find fault with their parents. I have certainly not experienced unconditional love for either of my parents. I am pretty sure most people do not experience this. Or am I wrong?
So, over to you. What do you think? Why do people believe that children do/will always love their parents “unconditionally?” And do they?
Are children obliged to love their parents unconditionally? Why?
Share your thoughts.
{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
Great post idea, Britgirl. I most heartily agree with you that there is no such thing as universal unconditional love towards parents or towards children from parents. I know that in my own case, I do not love my mother, can barely like her at the best of times, though for years I kept those thoughts private because you just “didn’t say that”. My father, on the hand, was a great guy and I did truly love him. But that’s the rub- it wasn’t unconditional, but rather had to do with the kind of people they were growing up, and their personalities. Being a bit older now, I can see that those feelings are perfectly normal, even though society doesn’t encourage us to think this way and treats the relationships as sacred. I can believe in honouring parents and treating them well generally, but that only goes so far when you haven’t been raised in the same manner (which was not the case with me, my childhood was fine).
I know from being a teacher and watching the body language at parent-teacher interviews that there are parents out there who do not like or love their offspring. You can see it in their manners and interactions.
I would say that if someone wants to experience unconditional love, a cat or a dog is a better option.
“Why do people believe that children do/will always love their parents “unconditionally?” ”
I have no idea. Because frankly, just opening your eyes and looking at families, this is clearly not the case.
I feel a strong bond (both positive and negative) to my parents and as years go by I can see more clearly all the sacrifices they made for my sister and me, trying their best and not always succeeding, and I guess that what I feel now is a deep affection.
But unconditional love? I don’t really expect it from any human being, I think. For me it only happens with God and pets.
I love them, but I don’t really like them. I can only take a few hours of my parents at a time.
I certainly didn’t love my mother and stepfather unconditionally. They have been the source of the strongest negative emotions in my entire life. No one has ever hurt me the way they have.
I’m starting to think that childed and pro-child people are really the victims of some sort of magical thinking. It’s completely naive to think that children as a rule love their parents unreservedly and without condition. I think it’s truly lovely when someone is close to their parents in their adulthood, because it usually speaks of a great connection between them during their childhood, but this is the exception. I have only one friend who is “friends” with her mother, and the rest run the gamut of tolerating their parents with varying degrees of affection, thinking they’re embarrassing or (eep!) certifiably insane, or living life separately from them. The few years of bonding before a child goes to school might wash a parent in love from a child, but once the child’s circle of acquaintances grows, he or she is bound to find fault with their parents. It’s natural, for crying out loud.
I was talking to a friend a few days ago about my upcoming anniversary–tomorrow it’s four years and my husband and I are still as crazy about each other as teenagers. When I chalked it up to our childfree status, she couldn’t fight me on it… she’s divorced, and the changes in her marriage started just after the first child came. Suddenly her husband wasn’t as into her as he used to be–surprise! And as her children grow up and don’t need her anymore–and two of them certainly don’t have unconditional love for her, btw–, she’s trying to date again without great success. Sad. She loves her kids, but she paid her own happiness for it.
Having children with “unconditional love” – given by the child – as the goal is one of THE most ridiculous reasons to have a child. (And “ridiculous” is a kind word.)
Anyone remember being a child? Having parents? How often did you think about how often good golly you just LOVED your parents compared with how much time you were sure they were stupid and you hated them and just wished they’d go on a years-long vacation?
Those who require the illusion of unconditional love (directed at them) should get a dog. I know it’s not an original idea, but it’s so very true. That’s the only creature that’ll give it to you. A kid?
No way.
Children absolutely do not love their parents unconditionally. I don’t love mine that way. Mine drive me bonkers most of the time. But a person without a choice in the situation (i.e. the child) should not be expected to do anything unconditionally. A child should behave and be respectful and should love their parents, but parents aren’t always deserving of this and it’s the parents who have to do more of the work in the relationship. They choose to have the child, they should be the ones giving out the unconditional love.
It also makes me sad when parents think their kids are supposed to be friends with them. They’re afraid to discipline their kids because they think the kids won’t like them anymore and maybe even hate them. And you know what? Maybe they will. But that’s okay. Parents and kids aren’t supposed to be FRIENDS, at least not until they’re all adults and can relate on equal standing. Parents are in charge and kids are SUPPOSED to resent their parents, to an extend. That’s how it works.
Personally I think most women expect their children to love them unconditionally but obviously this isn’t the case in all circumstances. I love my parents but don’t always like them. I’ve had moments I really didn’t feel any love for my father. I know my MIL expects unconditional love from her sons and she gets really upset when she doesn’t always get it.
As a mother, I can say with out a doubt that kids to NOT love their parents unconditionally.
If you want that get a dog.
Hell, get a cat, at least they need less.
That is a DAMN selfish reason to bring a child into this world.
I can tell you that my dog loves me more than my son most days. It isn’t his fault, it is just nature, I tell him no, he hates me. It just works that way.
My cats give me more attention and love than my son.
Now, don’t get me wrong. My son loves me, just not the way most people would want.
Hell, I don’t think I would be doing a good job if my son didn’t show me some hatred and some anger. That just keeps me loving him more. (the way parenting is supposed to be, the parent loves their child, and the child resents the parent)
I love you. You are the way ALL parents should be.
I have a dog and I’m not stupid enough to think that he loves me like I love him. I don’t think children, or anyone, are capable of “unconditional” love.
I think parents are supposedly supposed to love their children unconditionally–but I haven’t found that to be true. I am not unique among my 20-30 year old friends in having our parents disown us at different periods in our lives. And the same goes in return but more so, a little child might love a parent despite abuse, but a 13 year old knows better and loves where love is due. Unconditional love is a spiritual act, a godly/goddessly act, and I think the parent propaganda claims they give and receive unconditional love as a part of the hegemony…
And I wanted to add to the pets for love comments. I know cats get a bad rap as more independent than dogs, etc. But my cat is the one creature I can count on in my life to be there for me, she cuddles me at night, comes and talks to me when I come home, and even if I step on her tail or put flea medicine on her, she is back for loves and pets a few hours later.
I think that the early dependency that an infant has for it’s mother especially, can be mistaken for unconditional love. Though if your baby develops colic, it is questionable whether what you will experience caring for him/her could be perceived as unconditional infant love.
As children grow and mature, the idea that the love extended to parents is unconditional seems ridiculous to me. One only needs to watch the news or turn on the television in the U.S. to learn of another tragic story of “parent-child” love gone awry. As others have pointed out, once a child develops the ability to form independent thought and the capacity to judge behavior, unconditional dependent love becomes love contingent upon treatment received.
And the same way that a parent may become unloving for reasons that have nothing to do with the child, I think in some cases a child may also become difficult, rebellious and decidedly unloving for reasons that have nothing to do with the parent, such as peer influence.
According to a sociology book that I read on teen pregnancy it I does seem that many young women especially do labor (no pun intended) under the illusion that they will get the true, unconditional love they didn’t get from their parents from a baby, thus the high rates of teen pregnancy. They want someone to love them who will never be cruel to them or reject or abandon them and they think a baby will fit the bill. Of course, babies don’t stay babies forever. It doesn’t seem to me that teens are the only women who fall victim to that myth.
In my humble opinion, anyone who has a child because they want to create a being to provide them with unconditional love is too emotionally needy/ immature to parent and will undoubtedly be sorely disappointed by the results of their endeavor.
I love both my parents, my sister and my brother unconditionally. To me, that means that there is nothing they could do or say that would make me close my heart to them. I’ve never felt that way about anyone outside of my family, but it comes close with certain friends and lovers.
I just happen to have a very cool family, it doesn’t mean my OWN kids would love me the same way I love my parents.
The point: it isn’t guaranteed and if you are lucky enough to find it, it won’t necessarily be with your kids.
themuttprincess: It’s refreshing to come across a person on this site with children who is capable of interacting in a mature and non-judemental way. Not a single bingo in your post. Thank you, and keep it up!
I associate unconditional love with animals. Not humans. I get unconditional love from my cats. I have a very good relationship with my mother, but the phrase “unconditional love” makes me think of blind and soppy adoration more than anything (like, well, my cats) and my mom and I don’t do soppy adoration. We don’t even do hugs. I certainly didn’t have unconditional love for my dad. I acknowledged that he was my dad and I did love him, but I didn’t like him very much when I looked at him as a person and not just my dad.
I think unconditional love is an unrealistic thing to expect. There’s no guarantee on that. To expect a child to give it is just ridiculous. And parents… as other blog posts have discussed, some people jump into parenthood without realizing it’s not what they really want, and they’re stuck. They buy into the hoopla but then can’t put out the perfect parent act. And some children are just hard to love. Any one or any combination is going to kill that ideal.
HOW cool are the parents answering to this thread?! Can we multiply you x 1 trillion and take out the awful breeders?!
Seriously, though, what a fantastic and refreshing thread – parents and CFs discussing family issues in a rational, honest and sensible way. I am proud.
In terms of the ‘unconditional love’ discussion – what a pile of total and utter b*llocks. I am extremely fond of my mother, don’t get me wrong, but I can’t spend more than a few hours in her company – she knows exactly how to wind me up and I am very good at responding to all her cues (Pavlov’s daughter?).
On the other hand, I worshipped my father, who sadly died when I was 18, but I saw very little of him, as he was in the Navy and we didn’t travel with him – novelty over nurture, perhaps?!
I find it extremely creepy when moos start with their “Oh, I’ve never known love like it!” cr*p – makes me think of a bunch of narcisstic, self-obsessed individuals who have problems forming adult relationships (and god help their kids, who probably won’t be allowed a boy/girlfriend until they’re 45, because ‘…they only need Mommy!’…).
To those who require unconditional love, I say – get a dog. Not a Border Collie, though, they’re almost as narcisstic as you are.
@ Lianne – your cats must be nicer than mine – mine judge me constantly.
@ Rhona: Heh. Oh, they judge me and have expectations (food, NOW! what do you mean you’re going into the living room and not where the food is? you got up and moved, you must be about to feed me) but they also forgive all that when it comes to bedtime and cuddles. It’s pretty clear I’m their human.
it is so sad to read this–my sister told me the same thing when she got pregnant. i don’t think the parents that expect unconditional love give it themselves–at least, that’s the case with her.
I think all your comments are, as usual, so insightful. I wish I could explain how it they make writing these articles so worthwhile. I do want to extend thanks to the parents who’ve added their insights to the conversation – thank you because I don’t ever think I have heard a parent admit that they don’t expect unconditional love from their children, or that they may not love their children unconditionally.
Growing up, to me it seemed like every other child’s parent loved them unconditionally (read let them have anything they wanted), but I didn’t feel that way myself. It often seemed to be based on whether I was “good” or not. now as an adult, as Anne-Marie has said, I can see how hard my parents tried, how they must have struggled just to give us an upbringing that would prevent us from becoming lawless juves, the kind mentioned in a previous post. I It’s not that I didn’t love them, but now I appreciate them more.
My parents were never my “friends” they were our parents. They didn’t seem to care if we loved them back, they’d rather we did as we were told and gave them less hassle.
I think many parents do expect unconditional love from their children – and I often think they will do anything to get – and keep it. I’ve seen children manipulate their parents by playing that to the hilt. I have known teenagers who have babies solely because they think they will get someone to give them unconditional love. They get it from babies, but once the child grows older all bets are off.
I’ve also known parents who do nothing but constantly remind their children of all the reasons they deserve their love, how they sacrificed their own lifestyle, career, etc – and how much the children owe them because of it.
Nothing unconditional about that.
I don’t think parents should expect unconditional love from their children, because, as said it is unrealistic. I wonder how it’s become so ingrained that it’s become a given.
Also wanted to add thanks for all the comments about the new look blog
I am still fixing a few things – like the font, which is a little too small than I like and the blog colours. But you can now respond easily to any individual comment with having to scroll up and down a long comment thread. In other words, comments are threaded now.
I believe that people who think their children will love them unconditionally are the same people that think they will be MUCH better parents than their parents were.
They will be loving and kind and have just the right amount of discipline so their children will realize how wonderful and fair they are as parents and will therefore love them.
It just doesn’t work that way.
As things are now, I would take a bullet for my parents. But I can certainly think of a few actions (“hey kids, let’s play Hitler!”) that could make me want to fire a bullet AT them. I highly doubt they will ever do any of those things, but it does mean my love is not unconditionally.
If people are having children to have “unconditional love” they will be sorely disappointed.
But I know it is true, there are people who view children as “oh, I want a baby because it’s sooo cute” just as those who buy an adorable puppy just because it’s “cute”.
Children do not love you unconditionally, in fact there are times your children will dislike you. As my mother says children don’t come into this world to give but to receive. While I believe that as a parent you should love your child unconditionally, you can’t expect the same in return. In fact that’s a hallmark of “unconditional love”, that it does not require the other person to love you in return.
Perhaps those individuals who are seeking “unconditional love” should look into counseling or go to a church or join a support group. Perhaps they should look for inner healing. The LAST thing they should do is place that burden on a child that won’t be able to provide it.
I don’t have love for either of my parents. They are difficult people who make it hard for others to like them, let alone love them. Years ago, my mother had the nerve to tell me that when I was a toddler, I never showed “unconditional” love to her. If that was the case, I must have sensed that something was wrong with her parenting skills then, even though I couldn’t vocalize what it was.
The “unconditional love” thing disappears, I believe, when the kids become teenagers. How many times have we heard stories from parents about their loving little kids turning into snippy monsters when they became twelve or thirteen years old. “My kid acts like they hate me,” is said a lot by parents. Depending on how the kid is treated, that love may return by the time they are off to college and/or off on their own, but it’s not a guarantee.
I remember a running joke on a lot of TV sitcoms I watched as kid: an adult child, usually a male, being irritated because mom was always calling and whining about “when are you going to come see me?” That’s not a situation comedy writer’s fantasy. I overheard a woman say after visiting her son at his job that even though it appeared that he treated her well now, she expected him to “kick me in the ass” as she grew older.
This is an interesting topic for a blog post.
My first reaction to this question is: And the CHILDFREE are called selfish? To want a child so that you can get unconditional love from it is SELFISH, plain and simple. This is one of many, many selfish reasons people have kids, yet people are never considered selfish for having children. The childfree are always the ones forced to wear that badge of honor.
Secondly, no human being is capable of unconditional love, and this includes children. A baby is completely helpless and dependent on its parent for its sole existence. That is NOT unconditional love – that is survival. As soon as a child is old enough to THINK, it begins to hate its parents. Yes, it may love its parents too, but like all relationships, the parent-child relationship is a love/hate relationship. Children do not love their parents NO MATTER WHAT.
I think it is more likely for a parent to have unconditional love for her child then vice-versa. But even that isn’t always the case. There are plenty of scenarios where parents and children part ways for good, sometimes initiated by the child, sometimes by the parent.
Honestly, anyone who wants unconditional love should get a dog. A dog is not discerning and will love you no matter what.
Hey there Britgirl! Long time, eh?
Ok, well…ask them if they love their parents unconditionally. Now, you may get an “Of course!” as an immediate response, but if they’re honest, they’ll stop and think.
They’re romanticizing the “unabashed, unconditional, and complete and total” DEPENDENCE of a child on them. They THINK it’s unconditional love. At least, not when the kid turns into a teenager.
BTW, parents don’t have unconditional love for their children either. It may be unfettered love, but unconditional? No.
Those are my thoughts. Hope you’re well!
I really like how justaparent’s mother put it: children don’t come into this world to give but to receive.
Thanks for posting this.
I can honestly say I do not love either of my parents unconditionally. I think I loved my dad when I was young, but now they’re more like… just people I sort of like. I’m 3,000 miles away from the both of them and I’m just *now* missing my mother just a little (and I’ve not seen her in over a year and nine months!).
Children take and take and take and take. I see it every day living with my in-laws. They want and want and want and need and need. I’m not sure you can call that unconditional love.
Why is unconditional love this desired thing? Who really wants that, when you examine the concept? I want to be loved because I’m fun and brilliant and gorgeous and compassionate and strong, etc. etc. I don’t want some moronic love that has nothing to do with me but is rather some animalistic attachment of desperation and mental midget-ness! I want to be loved because I AM GREAT. I don’t want some mindless, drooling-idiot-obsession love! It sounds nice in theory, but how depressing – I can change completely and this “lover” of mine will not notice anything because he is so busy loving me “unconditionally” – ack! Doesn’t that somehow imply that we don’t matter and are interchangeable with any other person who wears a name tag that says “so-and-so’s mom” or “wife?” And of course as everyone else pointed out, the idea od unconditional love just does not pan out in practice.
Exactly, og217! I don’t want to be loved unconditionally, because to me that’s worthless. Likewise, I don’t love anyone unconditionally. If my bf started to behave in a shitty way towards me, hit me or cheated on me, love would be out of the window rather sharpish. I am sure my cats love me, but if I mistreated them, they’d have the sense to be off. Unconditional love actually sounds a bit feeble minded to me. It is wise to have limits.
I actually don’t believe unconditional love is worthless. I think it is a gift, but is very hard generally for us to achieve. We tend to put limits on things – e.g. “you do this and I’ll love you. Do that and I won’t.” That means that one limit’s their love according to certain actions or behaviour. I don’t think love should be be free and unlimited, but I’m aware it’s often not. I think parents should love their children unconditionally, as they brought them into the world. Children shouldn’t have to earn their parents love, they should simply have it and as much of it as they want and need. The problems begin when parents put all kinds of unhealthy pressure on their kids so the kids feel that without fulfilling those requirements they will lose their parents love.
Most children will do almost anything if they think it will earn and keep their parents’ love. If a person is abusive to another that should mean they lose the other’s love and rightly so. I don’t see how one can abuse another and claim to love them. And I don’t understand how a person on the receiving end of abuse can continue to love the other person.
I will be among the first to admit that I never loved my parents unconditionally. I was fearful of them unconditionally, though. They once told me they didn’t know why they had me. Well, I come from a Catholic background so guilt plays a substantial part there. Love? Nope. Certainly not my family. I adore my husband unconditionally, though. Yeah, I know I’m evil. So what. Who gives a f*ck.
I don’t yearn for unconditional love from another being, not even a four-legged one. I love my family and friends, but I’d lean towards the term “realistically” as opposed to “unconditionally.” Likewise, I think their feelings for me (parents included) are not unconditional, albeit quite deep and profound. It seems to me if one is deeply yearning for some kind of “unconditional” love from an outside source beyond friends, family, and four-legged beings, they haven’t discovered contentment within their own soul.
I don’t believe love from a child is unconditional by any means. A small baby has about the ability to concretely “love” as a dog does. I’m sure it’s a nice fuzzy feeling to stare into cute little baby eyes if that’s your cup of tea, but this being is not an extension of yourself and your desires. It’s a separate, independent life, and the child’s feelings towards his/her parents are extremely dynamic and culminate over a lifetime.