Comments on: Childfree? Maybe it’s the Way You Expressed it…

By: KellyAnn

KellyAnn — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 00:36:28 +0000

No, they don’t question you if you decide to have children.
I recently went to my doctor’s office as a 31 year old, college educated adult woman with a demanding professional career to ask about the Essure sterilization procedure. My doctor flat out refused to consider it. She said she would not perform a sterilization or tubal on a woman who was unmarried and had not had at least one kid since “you are too young to make a permanent decision like this and you’ll change your mind one day.” I handle millions of dollars for my company but apparently, I’m incapable of making the decision to remain child free.
Yet, the 17 year old pregnant girl who had the appointment after mine was not told “you are too young to make a permanent decision (to have a kid) and you’ll regret it.”

By: og217

og217 — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 11:57:15 +0000

I have to say that two of my oldest and best friends have one child each and they are still fabulous and honest. I have come to them when I was not sure about not having children and they were kind, supportive, understanding and truthful. So true friends and smart people stay true.

By: serrin

serrin — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 00:31:22 +0000

This is quite a funny site about that phenomenon: http://stfuparents.tumblr.com/

By: roxetterachel

roxetterachel — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 16:27:07 +0000

[I thought I was merely expressing an opinion. I thought that people who want - or have - children, would accept that I do not, just as I accept their choice. After all, it's my (notional) babies I am rejecting, not theirs.]

This really hit home. When I “went public” with my decision to remain childfree, I didn’t think it would be a big deal. I don’t care that other people have reproduced, why should they care that I choose not to? I use the term “going public” loosely as well, as nearing 30 and getting married means you get bombarded with the question of children. A tired parent dealing with misbehaving kids all too often utters “just wait til it’s you.”

It won’t ever be me, and I rejoice in that. That’s not what I want for my life, and I am embracing that CHOICE. Fully realizing this is my call has been such a great and freeing feeling. It’s too bad so many people don’t think so, but I won’t let that destroy my resolve.

What I didn’t realize initially is that I would be shunned from this sub-culture of parenthood, which I’m sure will eventually include most of my friends. Thank goodness you guys are here and active in this web community!

By: Emma

Emma — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 02:31:19 +0000

My encounters on “feminist” blogs has been much more akin to the scenario Britgirl described. I very much felt that “prochoice” meant the freedom to choose WHEN to have a child, not IF.

By: Stella

Stella — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 00:05:50 +0000

Just for the record, I consider myself a radical feminist, as well as childfree. I also frequent a few feminist sites, and run into a much higher percentage of childfree women there than in “real” life.

By: tricia

tricia — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 21:45:11 +0000

I have been a part of the same online community for almost ten years. As the years have gone by, 90% of the people in my little circle have had kids. Suddenly, they really don’t know how to talk about anything else. It’s astonishing, because until each one has their own kids, they yammer about how parents don’t talk about anything but their children. And these are intelligent, capable, professional women *and* men who used to be some of the most interesting people I’d ever known. I’ve stopped interacting with a few of them, and of course they take offense. But if I wanted to spend my spare time reading about who threw a cup of grape juice against the wall or which genius-enhancing videos were the best for the 18-to-24-month set, or if I really wanted to see a thousand pictures of a gelatinous-shaped baby (when is it going to grow out of that hideous phase?) in every outfit it owns, I would have my own spawn, ’cause it’d be really cute.

*g*

By: Lee

Lee — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 18:47:23 +0000

I could not agree more! How dreary and annoying is it when a new mother assumes you find her children as interesting and entertaining as she does and also assumes that you want what she has simply because you share her gender? ARGH!!! For me, it’s like someone showing me pictures of their newly acquired pet wallaby and assuming my life is lacking because I don’t have one. I feel like saying, “Please don’t force me to be rude by pointing out the myriad of reasons why I wouldn’t trade places with you for a king’s fortune.” Maybe I’ll get a set of facial expression flash cards made up that show the difference between “boredom face” and “wistful longing face” as some of the mom’s I know seem to be unable to tell the difference. Oh! Could it be it’s because they are lacking in empathy?

By: Lee

Lee — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 18:36:44 +0000

Hi BG- One of the things I noticed on those fem lite blogs is the rabid defense of the SAHM’s. I’m not really sure why they need to be defended as no one is preventing them from doing what women have been doing since the beginning of time. No one had to take to the streets and march on government to ensure they had the right to stay home and have children. My take is that they feel insecure and threatened by women who accomplish something besides egg fertilization, which, let’s be frank, takes little special talent. The way that so many of the current generation of SAHM’s desperately seek elevated status (need a title) and treatment is rather comical to me. So many of the stroller mafia in my neighborhood push that carriage as if it carried an heir to the throne.
What? No body guards?!

They made a choice and now they want to be regarded as people with a unique set of skills who are making a tremendous contribution to society. Whether or not the contribution will be meaningful remains to be seen, since it will take about 25 years to determine the quality of their parenting. According to a recently published book that I read titled the “Narcissism Epidemic”, the current generation of parents have given birth to and are in the process of creating a group of entitled, self absorbed mini-me’s who seem to be completely lacking in desirable human qualities such as empathy, compassion, caring or generosity. Why anyone would want to defend that is beyond me.

By: Britgirl

Britgirl — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 16:39:04 +0000

We should be able to answer with any one of the following – and not an excuse in sight.
Q – why don’t you have kids?
A 1 – Because I don’t want them
A 2 – Because I don’t like them
A 3 – Because I’ve no interest in them
A 4 – Because I don’t
A 5 – Because they should be wanted
A 6 – Why is it any of your business?

By: Britgirl

Britgirl — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 16:34:14 +0000

@ Lee – “Anyone who calls themselves a feminist and thinks that a woman shouldn’t have a right to choose to be childfree is stretching and distorting the original meaning of the word.” I agree with your there.

It’s a shame those seem to be the ones with the loudest (and I would say bitchiest) voices. I hope the original feminists take back the truth – though I fear they might think they could put their energy to better use elsewhere.

By: Britgirl

Britgirl — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 16:25:36 +0000

On my Facebook profile – where I have very little of my childfree stuff – I recently re-connected with a friend I knew a few years ago. since we’ve reconnected I’ve had to endure pics of her kids, her kids and more of her kids in my news feed. I reconnected because of her (she’s a graphic designer) but arrgh, I just wish the volume on sharing the kiddie stuff was a little lower. I don’t mind the odd one or two, but I am finding especially those with younger kids get a kind of verbal diarrhea about them and don’t even seem to realize it. They assume everyone’s interested because they are interested in them. I am not. And that could be the topic for a whole other article.

But, if we mention being childfree, except if you’re among like minds watch the atmosphere become frosty fast. I don’t even think it’s about the way it’s expressed. It’s about daring to mention you’re childfree at all.

By: Britgirl

Britgirl — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 16:15:43 +0000

I always find it amusing that while parents in waiting and parents are allowed to talk forever about getting pregnant, having kids or anything to do with kids, immediately a childfree person talks about being childfree and liking it, the knives come out and we’re told we’re “bragging”, “talking too much about it” or “constantly bringing it up.” Which is utter rubbish.

By: Rhona

Rhona — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 16:27:01 +0000

*applauds this*

By: serrin

serrin — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 00:40:02 +0000

Haha, so true og217! (Especially funny is that I, too, equate kids with KMart.)

By: og217

og217 — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 11:50:44 +0000

It is really annoying that in order to placate people we don’t really respect or value we have to wrap everything we say in piles of excuses and self-deprecation – I can’t even take care of a plant, ha ha thats why I don’t have children, but of course I adore them! I volunteer at a children’s hospital and give all my money to orpans in Peru! and of course if I could have a child as great as yours, I would immediately! Please. Children suck, and I would shoot myself if I woke up in some mchouse in new jersey with a bored husband, a litter, and 40 extra pounds covered in Kmart ready-to-wear. There.

By: dogandmusiclover

dogandmusiclover — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 14:01:39 +0000

I use the Firefox browser, so I opened the article in Internet Explorer instead, and I the comments loaded so I could read them. I don’t know why Firefox wouldn’t load the comments. Anyway, I didn’t read all of the comments, as I grew tired of the ones that were negative. I might try to read more of them later. I honestly cannot fathom why ANYONE would comment on someone else’s choice to remain childfree. After all, you never hear of anyone questioning someone else’s choice to HAVE CHILDREN, now do you?

By: Lee

Lee — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 03:55:27 +0000

Hi Britgirl:

The generation of feminists that are posting to the internet now have zero in common with the second wave of women who fought for equal rights and opportunities in the U.S. beginning in the ’60′s and 70′s. Those are the feminists I’m referring to in my post, not the current more socially acceptable version.

I’ve been on some of the blogs and what they espouse has nothing at all to do with the feminism that broke down barriers for women at home and in the workplace. (Blogs didn’t exist when that happened . I don’t relate to these women at all. It’s like feminism lite. The second wave feminists believed that women should have the same rights as men and complete control over their reproductive rights–period, no exceptions. Totally different ballgame. Anyone who calls themselves a feminist and thinks that a woman shouldn’t have a right to choose to be childfree is stretching and distorting the original meaning of the word. In my mind the narrow thinking that you experienced on those boards isn’t even humanist. Probably, because feminist became a dirty word, or an unattractive thing to be, it’s been reinvented to be more palatable. To whom, I would ask.

By: Britgirl

Britgirl — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 03:24:22 +0000

I actually think it’s important to talk of the wonderfulness of being childfree. Obviously not all the time, but more frequently than we actually do. That’s because most women and men have no idea that it’s a viable choice and a great choice. All the PR is pro-natal – the only accepted lifestyle is one with kids, therefore women talking about wanting or having kids are taking care of entrenching that choice. Most people, certainly in the offline world don’t know anyone who is childfree. And they are not going to read blogs. Most of the time the subject doesn’t even come up as we don’t generally find the need to talk about our reproductive facilities. If it comes up in conversation, particularly a childed one, I’m all for talking about it because people need to know it’s a choice. They don’t need the same info about having kids… but they still get it

By: Britgirl

Britgirl — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 03:09:42 +0000

@Lee – I wish I could say i found feminists supportive of the childfree choice. Maybe it’s the ones I’ve happened across but I’ve found them almost as critical as childed critics. In fact, on a feminist board a couple of years ago i was advised that it’s ok to be childfree but that we shouldn’t “broadcast” it. I responded that we had as much right to talk about our status as the parents who go on about their status, but we tend not to. The animosity was palpable. Very anti-childfree and I couldn’t work out why.
I managed to make my point, but after that I never went back to a feminist board. The militancy took me aback, frankly. I thought they were supportive of a women’s right to choose, but I was wrong and it was a waste of energy trying to argue with them.

I still find it odd that those who have decided to have children get so worked up when the issue of being chilfree – and not wanting children – comes up and critical, as if it threatens them.