I’d like to have a long term love, but if it doesn’t happen for a while, there is no deadline. I might meet the love of my life when I’m 80, and there won’t be any kids around to complain that mum’s gone mad to be marrying at 80! haha

I imagine it must have been very painful, I’m happy for you that you made the right choice. Well done. I hope if/when the time comes in my own relationship to make that choice, I will also choose the right path. (I suspect I will, it won’t be easy but it will be a hell of a lot easier than raising kids!)

But i think you cannot have kids unless you 100% want them. Your relationship won’t survive.

But I think your wife is somewhat selfish. You can’t get _everything_ out of life. It just doesn’t happen. She has a husband who loves here dearly (clearly…) and if she breaks it off to find a baby-maker, how long will that take? What will the relationship be like? Will she run out of time to get preggo when looking for another guy? Why is it ok in this society to break every other commitment you made just b/c a baby-clock goes off in your head? She needs to be grateful for what she has.

Don’t go against your gut– she knew the deal. Its her loss if she changes up, and it seems like sadly she’s just no longer the woman you married if she does.

Im sorry for your pain.

I think we need to all keep in mind that Childfree people are people. We make mistakes and bad choices. We do things that perhaps we should not do. Sometimes, we second guess ourselves.

I am engaged to a man who says he is ok with or without children. I have thought about what would happen if he changed his mind and insisted that he wanted children. (He knows exactly how I feel. I have never and will never ever want a child.) I know what the RIGHT choice is. I know that if he truly loved me he would never ever ask me to sacrifice my life, my body, my ideals and my happiness for his selfish desire.

However, I love him with my whole heart. I have done many illogical things to make him happy (aka being in the process of leaving my good job to be with him in his city 500 miles away with no job prospects). If this does happen in the future, I hope that I will be strong enough to walk away… not only for myself, but for the potential child. I am a teacher of young adults and I see the effects of half hearted parenting (or no parenting). It is cruel and terrible to have a child that is not fully wanted and loved by both parents (not saying that single parents are bad, but it does make life harder for everyone involved). I do hope and pray I would be strong enough to say no to all of that… but I may not be.

So yes, I can understand how Bob can consider giving his wife what she thinks she wants. However, I don’t think it’s the best thing to do… and at the same time, I won’t judge someone who does this. I will pity them and hope that I will make the right choice if I am in this situation.

We went into this relationship both knowing the other doesn’t want kids. We have built our lives around each other. He is my number one priority and I am his number one priority. If he would all of a sudden decide that I am no longer his number one priority and a child is, then I would have no choice but to leave the relationship. If he would seriously pick reproducing over me then I don’t want to be with him.

Even if I all of a sudden decided I wanted kids and he still didn’t I don’t see how I could choose reproducing over his wishes. I love him more than reproducing. The second he loves reproducing over me I will know its time for the relationship to end because thats not the kind of relationship I want.

Even my little sister is feeling the need to reproduce soon because a lot of her friends already have kids. When everyone around you is doing something as “big” as having kids you want to prove yourself too. Its like a domino effect. “If so-and-so can have a kid then so can I!” I have noticed most of these girls have NOTHING else going for them. No other way to get praise and attention. They see other girls being showered with attention and praise for doing something so “big” and “important” that they feel somewhat inferior.

For example: I visited my sister in law and my 7 month old neice the other day. Seasame Street on the TV, diapers that missed the can (she said she was in a hurry to get the baby to the doctors this morning because of the second day of the runs), a husband with a puke soaked shoulder, little annoying toys everywhere, and of course a slobbery crying niece are just some of the things I encountered the first 5 minutes of being at their house. My husband and I were so happy to return home to our happy dogs and cats.

This is only one example. I have never left a friend or relatives house who has kids and even slightly wanted kids more than when I first walked through the door. In fact, If ever I would get the urge to reproduce (which has never happened yet) all I would have to do is pay a parent a visit.

If only people would just be honest with each other, it would save so much heartbreak.

That is so telling, it’s almost scary.

Normally, I would suggest marriage counseling HOWEVER most marriage counselors are parents and therefore have a bias toward encouraging couples to come to an agreement to have children. I work with marriage and family counselors (although I am not one myself). One day, a colleague (therapist) and I were having lunch and I was telling her about my childfreedom. She said it was interesting…that it seems like a number of her current clients are dealing with the issue of whether to have kids. She told me about one specific couple. Like you, they had agreed prior to marriage that they would not have children and they were both whole-heartedly behind this agreement. Fast forward a few years and the woman changed her mind and DESPERATELY wanted a child. My colleage said, “so we spent a lot of time exploring the husband’s reasons for not wanting to have children and he didn’t seem to be able to articulate precise reasons for not wanting children – he just didn’t want them.” So my question to her was, “did you explore the WIFE’S reasons for changing her mind and suddenly WANTING children?” Of course, this rendered her speechless and she looked at me blankly and it was clear that it never occurred to her to ask this question because OF COURSE the childfree person is the pathological one. She seemed to stutter a bit as she replied, “no… the session had come to an end at that point and we ran out of time”, but I could tell from how off-guard I had caught her that the thought of exploring the WIFE’S issues never even occurred to her. Why? Because my colleague is a mother and like most parents, assumes parenthood is the best choice for everyone (and the healthy choice) and assumes the party not wanting children is the “sick” one that needs help.

But think about it. The wife is the one renegging on the agreement, not the husband, and yet she is the sympathetic party. Why was the therapist investigating the husband’s reasons for his stance instead of the wife’s change of mind? Shouldn’t she have been exploring the woman’s issues? Why have her feelings changed? Why is she renegging on their agreement? What is this void she suddenly feels that can only be filled by a child? What is lacking in life? etc.

Anyway, I am not sure this comment is helpful to you, but just know that being childfree is a wonderful life, and well worth sticking to your guns for, but it is not the easiest choice, and certainly not the choice that is encouraged, or even understood in our society. You will not find a lot of people in everyday life who will be patting you on the back for your decision. It’s the price we pay for taking the road less travelled, but it is a price that is well worth paying, in my opinion.

Please feel free to visit my blog too. I think you will find a lot of validation and support there as well.

http://childfreedom.blogspot.com/

Your friends may have chosen a third world country because they have fewer restrictions.

I feel as you do about the late in the game parents. While adoption is a most wonderful thing and a noble gesture, I personally feel that having or adopting a child when you are close to fifty years old is a tad selfish. The truth is that you are going to be seventy years old when that child has grown up and is starting out in the world. Unless you are a) amazingly healthy and fit and b) so financially well off that you have prepared for your retirement and possible health problems and c) have put in place a back-up caretaker should you stroke out with no warning, you are setting your child up to be an orphan all over again or to care for you in old age at the time when they should be experiencing life, youth, and the world. I know a couple who had their first and probably only child when the mother was in her late forties. They were together ten years prior but never had a child because they wanted to travel and they couldn’t decide if they wanted to stay together. They split up three times in ten years then decided they should have a child. Huh?! I don’t know what that’s about, and in so many ways it’s not my business but when they announced the pregnancy I almost choked on my drink. I’m not hopeful about the outcome re: the relationship lasting. I think a lot of people try to have it all because they think that they deserve it all, but sometimes in life you don’t get to have every single thing you want and understanding that is part of being an adult. The best life is loving what you have. I truly feel for people who live with a constant nagging sense of dissatisfaction and are always looking for another human, large or small, to fill the emptiness.