Because I would not abort, yet gave the child up for adoption because I did not want children, I am no longer childfree? I call B.S. on that.

Because I think abortion is the killing of a human life, *I* couldn’t do it, and it is my CHOICE to bring it to term and then give it up for adoption to remain childfree.

To consider this view puts the onus on women. Men can’t force a woman to have an abortion. So if he gets someone pregnant (either by pure accident or she oopsed him) he can never be considered childfree, *even if it was not his fault.* (Which is why men should have vasectomies or there should be an oral contraceptive for them like there is for women.)

Remember choice? Remember being PRO-choice? Just because I’m pro-choice doesn’t mean I’m automatically going to have an abortion, there’s no CHOICE in that. Being pro-choice means I get to decide whether to have an abortion or bring a baby to term and give it up.

I’d still consider myself childfree. Infact, I’d consider a woman to be more childfree by doing that than simply having an abortion. Why? Because even after having gone through a pregnancy and all that it entails she STILL gave up the kid because she didn’t want them.

What we’re talking about here are medical terms.

nulligravida – a woman who has never been pregnant. or
nulliparous – never having given birth to a child. (which means, they could have been pregnant but not given birth – i.e. abortion or miscarriage.)

Being childfree is a state of mind. Not a medical condition.

I think a lot depends on who you chose to be with. I don’t really like or enjoy children, but if I was with a childminded partner, that coupled with society, I would have had 2 kids by now and not even given it a thought. Because my partner really does not want kids, I actually thought, do I? and the and the answer was no. But had he not NOT wanted kids, I may have never even acknowledged the choice. Scary!!!

it sounds like you have been living with this urge for a while now. You’re at a similar age to me and I know that the clock is ticking if you truly want children.

Perhaps it would be a good idea to speak to a counsellor (but a truly neutral one, who won’t try to influence you one way or the other) to clarify your thinking. What exactly would a child bring you that you don’t have? Can you seperate your own desires from those of friends, family and society? What would you have to give up or change in order to satisfy the desire for a child?

I think at our age we also have to take into account that it just might not be realistic. Although I doubt a strong desire to reproduce will grab me now, it is possible that I will start to feel that way. I have made a personal decision that because of the risk of birth defects I won’t have a child after 40, no matter what my feelings may be at that point.

Although I don’t know your whole situation, it seems a shame to end a good relationship for the sake of a maybe.

I have read numerous comments on the web by childfree women who DID come across what you are dealing with – some ignored the maternal urge and found that it went away after 6-12 months. None of them regret that they did not have a child and all have expressed some horror at the thought that if they HAD decided to have a child based on this “instinct” they would now be stuck with a child they had no remaining desire for.

Nobody can give you advice, but if I were in your situation I would wait another year and see whether this desperate urge is still there. It may well be temporary and just a hormonal thing.

I would think very carefully before putting aside something that I have felt and believed in for 40 years, for something that has reared its head in the last couple of years…

I think it’s likely that you like and honor kids more than someone that would say that.

You might have to drive into a bigger town. Not all women want kids.

And in defense of illogical reasoning…when a person wants a child, it’s often illogical. I can’t understand it, but some people believe it’s inside them. When that desire comes from some indescribable urge to love another and to parent, I can get that. I don’t have that. I like kids, but I know it’s a hell of a lot different to enjoy the company of kids briefly than to parent and co-parent. A lot of people leave out the co-parenting part in their fantasies. To them, parenting will be like being a beloved queen in a peaceable kingdom with subjects littler and more adorable than you. Start montage.

But being intelligent beings, there’s that responsibliity part. It’s not a loving thing to have a child that you cannot care for financially, emotionally, and all other ways. It’s also not a responsible, loving thing to trick another or to pressure another to become a parent. It’s not a responsible, loving thing to give a child a job even before it’s born to give your life meaning and to sort out all your lack of meaning and importance or to replace an unfullfilling career because you hate your job. Or you hate holidays and gatherings without the requisite kid photos to show to show you are worthy. “It’s just what people do.” It’s not a loving thing to have kids as your retirement plan either. Explain that to the infant as you pop it out, “see, you’re here because I need you to support me.” A sugar baby for later. A baby with a job already.

It doesn’t matter so much that someone can’t give you a logical reason to be a parent. Perhaps truly, they want to parent and would be a great parent and should parent.. But it doesn’t matter whether it’s logical or not for your sake. It’s incredibly sad to break up, but it’s horrible to lay on a kid’s life that you didn’t really, really want it. You just didn’t want to break up. Well, if you had a child, you could still break up. And then the kid is there in it.

What matter to your child is that YOU wanted to be a parent. And you can have any logical or illogical reason for not wanting to have a child. But the loving thing to do is not to have one if YOU don’t want one, even if your partner produces a legal brief argument as to why it is logical to do so. True, once you get on that pregnancy train, if you’re a guy, you’re in it. even if it is only for child support. But once again, if a man or woman sort of “chicken-shit” vagues their way to an “opps” pregnancy, that is the opposite of pro-life. That doesn’t honor the value of life and the importance and preciousness of a child that deserves parents who wanted to be parents.

I’m in my mid twenties in Australia, and I wouldn’t mention stds because I feel that it goes without saying. You meet someone new, you use condoms for three months at least, then if you are both monogamous (and you trust them when they say they are), you both get tests, show each other the results and then stop using condoms. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t take that for granted. The conversation normally goes “oh we will use these for 3 months then get tested, yeah?” and the response “yeah of course”.

However, exes I’ve dated from some other countries were shocked and offended when I told them that’s how it would be. Also older people who were educated differently (or not at all) tend to be a lot less worried about stds, while younger people in their early 20s tend to be convinced that they have AIDS if they have unprotected sex even once!

The saddest thing is that I have a number of friends who have contracted herpes, and ALL from their long term boyfriends (only one of whom actually knew he had it though). I’ve been single until recently for almost a decade and have never had an std, and I think it’s because single people tend to use condoms while couples don’t. Also, they don’t test for herpes because it’s considered by doctors to be such a minor disease not worth worrying about (and in most cases it is).

I asked her so many times to give me a logical reason for having children, not an emotional one or one based on some hormonal parenting ‘instinct’. She replied that it’s only illogical if you don’t want them. I disagreed, I asked her to explain the logical reasons FOR wanting kids… She couldn’t, she can’t. Nobody can, when looked at logically it’s a crappy, life limiting idea – There’s no need for me to list here why from a logical standpoint it’s a crappy idea, I’d merely be preaching to the converted but it amazes me that so many people make this momentus decision without actually considering the impact it’ll have on their own lives. She won’t struggle to find a bloke who wants them because he hasn’t thought about it fully or he has some strange concept of machismo, that somehow his precious seed is worth more than anyone else’s…

Obviously, none of this affects the fact that I’m single now and that I miss my ex immensely, before the ‘baby-rabies’ kicked in we were the happiest couple imaginable. I work nights in an all male environment, I live in quite a backward part of the UK, most women here want kids, those who don’t move to the big cities where they can really advance their careers. Added to all that, I don’t really like the pubbing/clubbing scene so I can’t imagine my single status will change for some time, possibly never if I get a vasectomy and the women I do meet realise that I’m not an indecisive, easily manipulated moron who doesn’t know his own mind and that they REALLY can’t change me…

Thanks all for being here and understanding how I feel, many of my male friends don’t want kids but those who’re in relationships just kinda accept that they will one day because as they often say, “well, it’s just what you do, isn’t it?”. Those, like me, who can’t just accept it are single and have been for years. Good job I have plenty of hobbies, like my own company and have found this blog full of intelligent, witty people!

I have just had a long conversation with my parents about not having kids (my dad hasn’t been kept in the loop – he doesn’t like to talk about “feelings” and mum has probably not told him because she is waiting for me to change my mind).

Anyway, while having the conversation and being bingoed left right and centre, I thought of everyone on this blog and the little community we have going here, and it made me feel a little less alone and a little bit stronger – actually a lot stronger – in my own self defense. I found myself quoting many of you and thinking of how grateful I am to I know that you’re all on my side, and I just wanted to come here and say a big thank you – to Britgirl and everyone else who drops in here and makes this blog what it is. It really helped me tonight, and I’m really glad you’re all here.

Thanks

(Incidentally my mum is currently washing the dishes after having cooked me and dad dinner… hmmm what was that about kids being so rewarding?! Haha)

But yes, it’s infinitely easier.

Xena, that is hilarious! I have got to find a way to sneak that into a bingo conversation at some point.

That definitely made me giggle.

If you consider yourself mature enough to engage in sexual relations, than you best be prepared to manage the issues around birth control, whatever they may be. If you are a newbie, and you can read, you can figure out how to use a condom, there are detailed directions right on the box/wrapper. A few minutes of possible embarrassment versus a lifetime of childcare…. Seems like a no-brainer to me.

The methods of birth control women have had to choose from over the years (IUD, Pill, Cap, Morning After Pill, Abortion) are less than satisfactory for a number of reasons– inconvenience, cost, physical and psychological side effects, uterine scarring and damage and risk of death) yet women have endured rather than give birth to a child they aren’t prepared to care for. I’d be thrilled to waltz into a drugstore and buy birth control without a prescription that would take two minutes to figure out, rather than make a doctor’s appointment, try different methods and deal with mood swings, nausea, discomfort, and worry about risk of stroke, cancer or heart attack.

I was moved to write in here because of the dude in trouble with his baby-craving love interest. I’m totally serious about him listening to me for a moment here.

I really hold out that the guy in trouble could change his mind, but be clear on this, currently you are getting in a hostage situation, not a love situation where you would not be pressured to be a parent if you did not want to. It’s not loving to you. It’s not loving to the child. It’s kind of treating the child like a plant or nice piece of furniture that completes a set, if she has no compunction about what he feels about becoming a parent. I’m all for pro-choice, but tricking into pregnancy is so wrong or “opps-ing” into it.

First and foremost, it’s not loving to the child. But second, don’t believe your life won’t change SIGNIFICANTLY. Some women try to argue they’ll raise it and do all the work. Frankly, and here is an ugly, ugly, ugly secret., sometimes women see their friends having kids and staying at home, and they go back to fantasyland at the exact same time their workaday jobs have lost their novelity. They see a kid as giving meaning to their lives, and frankly, as a mother, they are authority, and as a stay at home mother, they avoid that regular, humiliating job review, the need to answer to a boss, and a career that has stalled. I have seen some friends go all conservative church and give up their careers because they want to be stay at home in what they imagine is a loving cocoon doing meaningful things, being their own boss. They need the conservative church and the whole “mommy” religion in order that no one questions their choices.

Being a parent, especially with another parent, means a different experience. First, putting the child first means BOTH parents want to be a parent. Second, being a parent means something different than taking care of little cousins or who ever left toys at your house. I mean, when you babysit, you’re the wonderful babysitter. You don’t have to co-parent. You’re the authority, and I doubt she had to check your opinion on parenting. (and by the way, if she is manipulating you about kids, in her mind, it’s her realm and YOU won’t have a vote on the day-to-day parenting either, not really, and she can always throw it in your face that you never were that into having them in the first place!) For that babysitting time, you’re wonderful. A novelity. And no one is sick and you aren’t worried about budget or really lack of sleep and – again – coparenting with YOU at all.

I SERIOUSLY suggest counseling by a recommended childfree friendly person. Isn’t a potential kid worth it? Aren’t you worth it? If you are not wanting a kid, possibly you could change your mind, but it seems like you definitely were clear about it and don’t want one now. You have to be absolutely, absolutely, absolutely clear that you want to be a parent and it must be outside the influence of threats. Is another life worth the value of having BOTH parents absolutely wanting it? Is a life worth more than your relationship if it comes to that – because you’ll be bringing in another person who didn’t get a vote.

As hard as it is to admit, your relationship is not “perfect” except for this one thing, if indeed, she is, basically, holding you hostage to walking on eggshells because she believes a forced parent suits her needs and the needs of another human being. I’d rather hear that she holds you hostage to a potential hissy fit over her need for really good pasta or even jewels than over another human being who doesn’t get a vote. Because to me, that is more serious when you involve another life in your desires. And in a world that really values life, it would be.