The first tell-tale give-away was the sentence “.. my wife and have become childfree…” “Really?” I think. You don’t “become childfree,” sorry. You either are, or you are not.
The “smugness” bit was just another curiosity arouser… I’ve met a few smug parents (those who are my friends aren’t of the smug variety) and I don’t know any smug child-free people (although, no doubt there are people waiting in the wings to tell me they are all over the place).
Anyway, curious person that I am, I go over to visit the link about the smug person (by his own admission) “who’s just become child-free.”
Here’s the link:
The Smugness of Becoming Child-free
It’s by a parent who’s just seen off the last of his kids.
Here’s how Damian Battersby starts out:
“Hands up if you’re still doing the “kid thing”. That many huh? You can put your hands down now – God knows you need to preserve your strength.
It’s hard isn’t it? The constant stress of being completely responsible for another human being.
The whinging and crying. Feeds at all hours of the night. Having to be at their beck and call 24 hours a day. And that’s just the teenagers. I’m sorry if I’m looking smug but my wife and I have just become child-free and we’re spending a lot of time sitting around with stupid grins on our faces.”
…We’ve got six kids between us and they’ve all lived with us at some stage”.
Now, I can quite see how many parents “still doing the kid thing” might be envious of Damian. After all it must feel great when after devoting your whole life to raising kids, you finally get a chance at freedom. Or whatever you want to call it.
And it was amusing in that while as childfree people we’re always told by parents of “how wonderful it is to have and raise kids,” this post starts out with all the not so nice, but inevitable aspects of that enterprise. Presumably when you escape them all, you can sit back with a smug look on your face and announce you’ve got rid of the kids (for good this time) and now breathe a sigh of relief have a life.
My issue though is the misuse of the term “childfree.” To me it shows a complete (but unsurprising) lack of understanding of what it means to be childfree.
Interestingly enough we discussed that in one of our recent posts on Like It Is:
It might come as a surprise Damian but you don’t “become childfree” after raising six kids simply because you get them out of the house. Actually, if you were really childfree you would never have had any children, since it means you have never given birth or fathered a child and don’t want to do so either.
What Mr Battersby is is “free of children underfoot” since once you parent I don’t believe you can really be totally free of them. They are yours for life, whether you care to acknowledge it or not.
It would be nice if the term childfree or (child-free) was used properly. There’s enough confusion It’s easy enough to look up on Wikipedia after all. Or simply Google the term. Or better still, read this blog. Or read other childfree blogs and find out what it really means. Or ask a childfree person. Just don’t bandy the term around with incorrect usage… you might give people who are ignorant of it more of the wrong idea.
Nowhere will you find that having parented six kids between you of whom you are now free of entitles you to use the moniker of “child-free.”
Damian Battersby hasn’t become childfree by any stretch of the imagination. Nor is he ever likely to be childfree. But smug? On that I won’t disagree.
Comments? Your thoughts? There is other commentary I could make on the article but that would be another story. The use of “childfree” all but jumped out at me.
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{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
Just wondering, if all of his kids died (and he didn’t want any more kids), would he become childfree?
No.
Here’s the comment I left:
You misuse the term “childfree” and you are NOT childfree, since you have kids, you are an empty nester. A childfree person is someone who decided to not have children for a variety of reasons (as opposed to childless who is someone who can’t or didn’t have children, but wanted them).
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Childfree
@Mrs Ogre: Good on you and great comment. I would have left one too… except I couldn’t be bothered to register and get a user name and password in order to do so…
The registration process wasn’t too tiresome, so that’s what I did. I even registered a fake phone number.
So Damian isn’t desperate, then, to fill the empty nest with yet more children? I guess parenthood isn’t the constantly incredibly rewarding and joyful experience it’s made out to be.
Damian isn’t CF though, as he will discover when one or more of his kids falls on hard times and moves home “for a little while”. Parenthood is a lifelong commitment. Or should be.
I think he might have neglected to read the fine print when he signed up for the job: *CAUTION: Parenthood is a lifelong commitment. Just because they’ve moved out of the house, doesn’t mean you’ll no longer feel responsible for them. (And they just might move back in, too. Repeatedly.) You will never truly be free of your children. Ever. Enjoy parenthood!*
“Having children is, like, awesome, but the moment it’s over I’m going to be so happy I literally won’t know what to do with my new found freedom.” Uh, yeah…I think I’ll stick with doing what I want in the first place, not putting it off by 20+ years (or even more, if they’re intellectually disabled) for something no one really wants to do anyway.
Someone else made the comment that the only time that you see a happy parent is when they have the chance to get away from their children. That’s what I keep thinking here.
I have to wonder if part of the reason we hear things like “parenthood is great but I can’t wait to be free of it” is because it’s from parents who have put so much emphasis on equating parenthood to sainthood and making children the center of their existence. It’s like thinking that just because you’ve become a parent, you’re not supposed to bother with the more “trivial” things you used to enjoy doing because nothing is as important as raising your child – and with that kind of attitude, no wonder parents are itching for their kids to get out of the house.
The parents who I know that seem to be doing well are the ones that are able to balance being a parent with being a PERSON, almost like treating parenthood as a job, something they love doing and do their best at, but it’s not the ONLY thing, if that makes any sense. They try to take occasional breaks from their kids – date night out, the occasional solitary weekend getaway – and when they come back, they’re happy to see their kids. That seems the most logical way to go about it, to me anyway. Sadly, those parents seem to be in the minority.
It just seems foolish to make any single thing or person the one defining element of your life. I love my husband, but if I treated our relationship with that same level of obsessive attention that I’ve seen a lot of parents exhibit towards their kids, my friends would be dragging my ass onto a therapists couch.
Thank God my own set of parents were never so neurotic as to make us to centre of their universe. They went off dancing every Friday night, left us to find our own way home on perfectly good transit from school dances, and generally had that balanced approach to life that seems sadly lacking in this generation. No wonder everyone’s so exhausted these days- the attention must be killing them on both sides.
That’s actually a good point that I hadn’t thought of, that all that attention parents give to their kids must be exhausting for BOTH parents and kids. I haven’t met a teenager yet who likes having an overly-focused helicopter for a parent.
Not to mention, that much attention and focus can warp the kids. It ends up creating a twisted loop where the kids get pissed off at their parents for paying so much attention to them, but when the kids don’t get what they want and/or are confronted with the fact that their desires aren’t in fact the most important things in the world, then they still get pissed because their parents always treated them as if they were the most important beings in the world. Vicious little circle, isn’t it?
I’ve been teaching for close to 20 years, and I can tell you that there is absolutely a resentment from kids when their parents over-program them, or hover endlessly over them. I’ve heard the kids gripe about it, and express a certain envy that my generation was allowed to roam around the yard, back lane, local park, etc… without anyone in tow but our own group of friends. They marvel at the “go home when the streetlights come on” mentality that our parents had, and wish that they had a little more distance for themselves. I’m quite glad that they recognise the coddling as excessive, as it proves to me at least that children are a lot more clever than we give them credit for. For myself, as a teacher, I refuse to do anything they can do for themselves, and resist the urge to interfere and hover when there are minor problems. I figure someone has to instill in them some self-confidence and independence, poor things. I’ve gotten shit from a few parents (don’t you care what happens?) and have to explain that on the contrary, I care enough to let them eventually develop into adults instead of keeping them stifled in some neurotic nest of their parents’ imagination.
Anne-Marie – Good for you for trying to impart that sense of independence to your students. It can’t be easy with the “but what about the danger to my precious??” type parents. I hope that your being CF (I assume you are?) doesn’t result in those parents giving you a hard time.
I actually read a blog called “Free Range Kids” that reflects the same philosophy you’re trying to give to your students. It’s a refreshing change from reading about parents going on about having to protect their little darlings from EVERYTHING.
Here’s an odd thought – I wonder how much of the relief parents have when their kids are out of the house has to do with no longer having to deal with the ridiculousness of OTHER parents in things like PTA, Girl Scouts/Boy Scouts, Little League, etc.?
@M:
Thanks for the vote of confidence. Some of are trying to go back as much as we can to those “free range” days. Not always safe, not always free of injury, but at least we were on our own sometimes and learning how to get on in the world.
I am CF now, but have to say honestly that it has been a long, twisted road: my first husband was CF because he didn’t want his children to inherit the depression that ran in his mother’s family, and I respected that enough to agree to his vasectomy. The doctors were terrible to him (he was 28 at the time) and he had to really insist to get one. We broke up the next year, and my current husband and I started thinking about having kids. I found I couldn’t get past the first month of pregnancy before having a miscarriage, and then after a few of those, it didn’t happen again and we just shrugged our shoulders and went on with life. We’ve been together 13 years now, my eggs are old and past their best-before date, I’m sure, and as the years have gone on, I am more and more relieved that it didn’t happen. We are quite happy without kids, I have enough of them all day long during the school year to satisfy any urges, and I know that since we never broached the topic of adoption or fostering seriously enough to move on it, it was never all that crucial for us to have them. We also rejected anything past the initial sperm test and ultrasound for me (nothing abnormal came up) and absolutely refused to consider invasive IVF, etc… Whew, a rather long-winded way to say that I went from CF spouse to childless and then over to CF. Not a bad journey in 19 years.
I am so tired of hearing people with children say “It’s so hard but so worth it.” or the eternally tired and gripey parent saying “I can’t wait til my kids turn 18, but I wouldn’t take them back for anything.” I’m starting to grow balls and say my piece when the over-opinionated parent adds the “wait til it’s you!” to whatever they are saying.
It’s not revolutionary in the least to hear about some guy ranting about how his kids were a pain in the a$$. “New” research shows the “empty nest” years are some of the happiest a couple with kids will have. I wonder why?
My mother feels pretty strongly that I am making a mistake by being childfree, or that I am making the decision for the wrong reasons (though there don’t seem to be any “right” reasons!).
Yet, I remember several years ago I asked her what the happiest time of her life was, and without hesitation she said “the few years after I married your father, before we had kids.” I can’t help noticing that now we are all older and independent, mum and dad are taking frequent trips together, doing all the things they did in the first years of their marriage, and loving every minute of it!
I haven’t yet thrown her own words back at her, but it’s certainly tempting when she tells me how children are the most amazing thing you’ll ever do, blah blah blah.
My mom also seems to relish the years before all four of her “joy bundles” came along. I have long gotten the feeling from my mother that we disrupted something great. When I told her of my intentions to never have children, she told me, “It’s perfectly okay to not have children. I wouldn’t take you guys back for anything, but I do feel like my life would have gone in a perfectly great direction without a family.” After staying at home with us for 25+ years total now, she also regrets not having had even a part-time career using her college degree.
Parenting is a lifelong job. Those with kids can gloat all they want about being “free” when the kids are up and out of the house, but they are not. How many times have we heard parents stating their worries about their adult children? How many times have we seen parents being put upon by adult children who move back home, some with the grandchildren in tow? One of my aunts is looking after a 50-something cousin of mine who has a terminal disease. There is no such thing as a “childfree” parent.
I think this is one of the best articles posted here.
This guy is so proud of his own effort that he has no shame and feels entitled to brag about it. He assumes most people (parents) recognize his relief and according to their comments many of them do. For me it confirms exactly what most CF people already know: parenting is not a joyride for everyone.
Britgirl: Since I have not already commented on it, nice makeover of this place!
Maybe we could lighten up here a bit. This is definitely not a misuse of terms thats worth getting our knickers in a bunch. Lurker is right. The guy is happy and he calls himself by the same term that other happy couples do – childfree – because there is no other word for people not living with children that has a positive connotation.
@og217:
I rather think Lurker was being ironical. I myself have never heard a couple with children describe themselves as “child-free” when they understand what the term means, which most of them don’t. Empty nesters- sure. It’s up to people who are childfree to put the record straight – people decide to use a term incorrectly. That way I’m less likely to have a parent who’s dropped her brood off at the babtsitter to tell me she’s “childfree” for an hour.
Besides, back to Damian, as Hilari and others have said once a parent you are never free of your children.
og217: “The guy is happy and he calls himself by the same term that other happy couples do – childfree -” …maybe I took this out of context…but I liked that comment:)
Regarding my earlier comment I am afraid Britgirl is right. I think the guy takes a real chance and gamble on that most others would agree with him in this particular issue and therefore shameless brags about his great sacrifice and effort.
About grandchildren. Could it be that the potential grandparents simply want to see their own genes move on or are they truly concerned that their CF offspring risk an unhappy life? If the former is true then we can really start to talk about selfish!
I discussed the kid-issue with an empty-nester. In his opinion you should not argue either way. You decide to become a parent or you don´t. He did not want to hear any pro or cons about the topic. Decide either way and stick to it. Neither did he believe in the compromise, it is something you feel for to do or you don`t.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. of course he’s being smug. Most parents ARE. They see their kids leave the nest and they get all smug and shit, patting themselves on the back thinking they did a GREAT job by “contributing to society.”
I bet Karen and Matt here thought they were “child free” when their kids left home, only to “boomerang” back. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/family/articles/2009/01/13/the_boomerang_kids/
Someone needs to post on that smug PARENT’S blog and tell him to google two words: “boomerang kids”
whoo boy. That was a knee slapper!
Speaking of boomerang kids, I’d like to introduce this faux-childfree father to my neighbors. They have two kids, both of whom returned home after exactly one semester at university. They are both waiting tables now and are showing no signs of having formulated a Plan B. Unless the locks have been changed your kids may come back when you least expect it. Both of the aforementioned young adults attended private high schools with tuition at $20K per year in preparation for attendance at prestigious universities, but for some reason they were not ready to live away from home (too much coddling?). Even if they wanted to move out (which they don’t) they could not possibly afford rent in NYC (high school diploma and tips) unless they joined a commune. I suspect their parents cry themselves to sleep at night as they envision retiring at the age of 80 so that they can continue to support the little darlings. Nightmare!
I don’t understand why people constantly read any type of parent smugness as a sign of happiness. Since when are self-righteousness, gloating, and smugness signs of happiness and fulfillment? They are the opposite. To me it comes across as bitterness. People who want me out of the way of their strollers and let me know in a pushy, unkind, self-important way, these are signs of lack of fulfillment being taken out as tiny power trips. I think it’s odd how parents get self-conscious around me talking about their families just because I don’t have one, they seem only able to think that their way is the best way. What I see are unfulfilled people, even long term couples with no kids. I think it is all a load of hooey. Don’t believe the centuries old hype.
I think some childfree people overlook the fact that most adult children leave home and do not look back. They get jobs, get married and may even choose to be childfree. Each lifestyle has pro and con sides. I am sure that a few of you will have to care for parents , partners or even friends who due to age or disease are unable to do what they can do now. If the only problem you have with the father of 6 who is happy to have a bit of peace is the use of childfree then it seems thin skinned .
How free will you be in 20 years to do all that you want when your MIL or your unemployed brother moves in with you? Could you say no? A parent has that same option if there adult child asks to share there space. Are those with kids under any legal obligation to take them in any more then you are with your family members? We are not all nitwits who have no spine just because we had babies.