My experience with the journey to the decision not to have kids has been almost identical to yours! I always assumed I’d have them because it’s just “what everyone does.” I am also a teacher and love my job. I’d have to say that my doubts about having kids started in my teens and then grew during the college years. I was always secretly relieved that what were to be my childrearing years were this far-off, distant future endeavor to be dealt with in my 30s. And then…my thirties arrived. It then turned into this looming deadline–this sentence. I was using language with my husband like, “Well, we’d better live it up, now, while we don’t have kids.” I finally had a moment of clarity early one morning and realized that I did not HAVE to have children. What a relief that was! However, a few years after this epiphany, I still periodically have doubts and wonder if I’ll regret the decision. After all, I can be a very nurturing person and my husband would be a wonderful father to my children (he already has two boys from a previous marriage, so I know this for sure). I sometimes visit websites like this and read posts like yours to help me through these feelings..see despite my doubts, there is still no burning desire to have kids–no empty feeling or notion that something is missing. I guess I’m just sometimes worry that I’m depriving myself of an extremely important life experience. Still, not a good enough reason to have a child, in my opinion. You should have a kid because you really, really want one. Anyway, now I’m rambling….this is my thought process though, at times, I can go on and on!

Learn more here:

http://www.biologicaldiversity.org/campaigns/overpopulation/index.html

I know it’s the right decision and I love him enough that I want him to have everything he wants, and that means children, but god it’s hard to walk away from someone who is perfect in every way except for the one single thing in the world that can’t be compromised on.

I really thought that by now (almost a year) I’d have found things about him that I don’t like and that would make it easier, but nope, he’s basically all I’ve ever wanted. Ouch.

It’s weird, in a way it’s easier than any other breakup because there’s no anger or bitterness, but it’s also so much harder for the same reason.

Anyway, I know other people here have been through breakups like this before and that some of you have gone on to find someone else. I’m glad this blog is here, there are very few people in my life who will understand this. They’ll all lecture me and tell me I’ll regret it, change my mind, that I’ve let a good man go and I’ll never find one like him again, and it’s going to be so hard because a big part of me suspects that I won’t, but I know that there is ONE thing that would have been harder than living my life without him…

…and that’s having kids with him.

A woman facing an unintended pregnancy should be able to decide for herself what is best for her and her family. If universal healthcare limits access to this procedure then you start down the slippery slope of making it cost prohibitive for women paying out of pocket and also limit the number of doctors who will perform the procedure and then we overturn Roe vs. Wade which is what the religious right is really after (they fund a great many republican politicians). My tax dollars will go toward universal health care and I am not signing up to pay for something that strips away an option that many women currently have through their insurance plans. Again, I ask the question, who is going to pay to feed to children? The ban needs to be struck from the bill.

I am totally pro-choice and I agree that abortion should be covered by insurance when it’s medically necessary. The fact that they wouldn’t do that is outrageous. Didn’t one of the states pass the law that even if a woman is a victim of rape or incest, she couldn’t get an abortion? I believe that happened a couple of years ago.

However, when it’s not medically necessary (or a case of rape or incest), I don’t think insurance needs to cover it. I guess I see that as a personal issue. I had an abortion, and it never occured to me that anybody would pay for it but me and boyfriend.

“Under the Stupak-Pitts abortion ban in the House-passed health care reform bill (and similar amendments pending in the Senate), women would not be covered for abortions – even medically necessary abortions – despite spending their own money to purchase insurance coverage.

Anyone who bought insurance through the more affordable public option would also be banned from getting coverage for abortion services, even if their own money was used to buy insurance.”

The thing I find fascinating and completely hypocritical is that the Republicans are opposed to what they interpret as Obama creating a welfare state. Okay, what happens when women who cannot afford to properly care for a child, cannot terminate a pregnancy? Who cares for them? Well, apparently no one. One in five children in the U.S. lives in poverty. One in seven families does not have the resources to feed their children. I think we need to focus on taking care of the people who are already here instead of worrying about promoting the creation of more starving and abused souls for the kingdom of heaven. It’s called quality of life. I am beyond tired of people encouraging others to have children when they have no real knowledge of whether they can care for them or not. ARRRGGHHH! It’s stupid and it’s irresponsible!

Of course they are using abortion as an issue to bring universal health care to a screeching halt–because that is how they operate. If the likes of Sarah Palin is ever elected President in the U.S. I will pack my bags and move to Canada or Europe within 48 hours.

I got a feeling from different CF people that this topic is almost a taboo in the CF world, meaning, it’s not cool to admit that you might have this fear; it’s almost like we should all be above it. But we are human, and it’s human to have fears. This one is mine.

I am not saying I want to pop one out because of this fear, of course not. All I am saying is that I have this fear of me being an old lonely woman…I guess I’ll have to acquire 10 cats LOL And yes, I might be lucky and have tons of friends but seriously, I doubt it. I am a pretty social person and I have plenty of friends how, however, I recognize that with age, it gets harder and harder to develop new relationships. I realize this is something I’ll just have to deal with but I wonder if I am the only one?

The best bit is that she treats childfree and childless people as completely different groups and makes NO attempt to belittle the choices of the childfree. Rather, she points out the difference between a childfree person’s choice versus choices made by some childfree women who might have chosen differently under other circumstances.

I definitely recommend it, if only for interest’s sake. It’s beautifully written, intelligent and fascinating. For me it was also quite challenging and helped me to pare back the many reasons I don’t want kids, to get to the core reasons. I came away from it feeling more certain of my decision than ever, but also much more informed and better armed.

More info here: http://www.cannold.com/books/what-no-baby/

If you went along with this scenario and did hate it, which seems pretty likely given that you don’t want kids, is he prepared to quit his job to be the caretaker? Has he thought about what day to day child care involves? Because typically men say they will share in the parenting duties, but at the end of the day, the reality is that woman take care of the children and manage the bulk of the house work–even if they work full time.

And, if he plays Mr. Mom—that means someone needs to make enough money to support the family. Who will do that if you leave? It seems like this is a majorly flawed plan, which I’m sure you have pointed out to him. The biggest flaw is that you don’t want kids and wouldn’t be happy raising them so why would someone who cares for you wish you such an unhappy existence?

It sounds like you have a very challenging situation on your hands. I wish you the best in resolving it.

Great, nice to know the man I want to marry considers me a walking test tube.

And I’m sure the kids will be totally fine with mummy leaving during their infancy and then rocking up in their 20s and going “oh hey, you turned out well, nice work”.

Often the childfree are hit with the comment, “you must have had an unhappy childhood”. Truth is many who choose to reproduce had unhappy lives as children and are somehow trying for a do-over and in the process revisiting the sins of the father upon their own offspring. Let’s assume that the grand experiment of working out your issues through the parenting process doesn’t work–guess who suffers. What was that word again that gets lobbed at us all of the time? Oh, yeah–selfish. Hunh.

On that note, I was just reading a news article on a website (forget which one) which had 2 ads for other articles up the top.

The first said “Life sucks, and it’s society’s fault”, and the second said “Don’t forget to have kids”.

I am not joking. Ohhh dear. They just don’t get it do they!

I’d also like to point out to all of these folks who rattle on about family values, the importance of family, children are the future, family legacy, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah–the divorce rate is approx. 50% in the U.S. There’s a legacy to pass down to your children–emotional damage. Just sayin….

i was talking about this with a friend who listed some things he wanted for his kids. things like getting them into reading earlier, sports, various stuff that his parents didn’t do with him. eventually he said “you know what i think it comes down to with you? you’re confident, well adjusted, happy – you probably just feel like you got it right the first time. you don’t NEED kids to fix your mistakes.”

indeed.

I really dislike Christmas and we’ve wanted to make the break for years. I actually envy people who don’t have the family pressure. My mom is very sappy and emotional about things. I guess I’ve never really cared about holidays. Plus with several family gatherings and all of the traveling, it’s not enjoyable at all.

This year we’re going to relax at home by ourselves on Christmas, for the first time ever. I’m almost 40, it’s time we had a holiday to ourselves.

I won’t be relying on any government pension in my old age – I’ll have enough of my own money saved up – because I actually think about my future instead of just letting it happen!

Anyway, one of the many great observations that the main character Eva makes about parenthood is this:

“Yet if there’s no reason to live without a child, how could there be with one? To answer one life with a successive life is simply to transfer the onus of purpose to the next generation; the displacement amounts to a cowardly and potentially infinite delay. Your children’s answer presumably will be to procreate as well, and in doing so to distract themselves, to foist their own aimlessness onto their offspring.”

Thank you, Ms. Shriver! I have had this same thought so many times, mostly with regards to my husband’s culture. He was born and raised in southern Europe and from what I have observed generation upon generation of his family members get married young, have children right away, save every nickel to build a home/homes for those children who, as soon as they are old enough, will get married and have children and start the process all over again. Really? Is that all there is? It’s like churning out widgets on an assembly line.