It’s late, however I just had to get this post up on the blog. It was sent to me by a reader of Like It Is and like all the great links sent to me I’d have missed it otherwise. So thank you… all of you who send me link to very interesting stories and topics for the blog.
I think this article is superbly written. It’s not that it focuses on being childfree (although the author is childfree – well, he’s never been married and he doesn’t want kids) it really nails what The Referendum is. I recognized it… but until now I never even knew it had a name.
I have to quote this from Tim Kreider’s article:
“The Referendum is a phenomenon typical of (but not limited to) midlife, whereby people, increasingly aware of the finiteness of their time in the world, the limitations placed on them by their choices so far, and the narrowing options remaining to them, start judging their peers’ differing choices with reactions ranging from envy to contempt. The Referendum can subtly poison formerly close and uncomplicated relationships, creating tensions between the married and the single, the childless and parents, careerists and the stay-at-home.
It’s exacerbated by the far greater diversity of options available to us now than a few decades ago, when everyone had to follow the same drill. We’re all anxiously sizing up how everyone else’s decisions have worked out to reassure ourselves that our own are vindicated — that we are, in some sense, winning.”
From the point of view of the childfree, well do I know that experience of talking about my life to a parent (usually a stranger), even after they’ve asked me… and being subjected to “the look” aka “how can you possibly imagine a full life without raising children,” complete with barely disguised incredulity. And then, often the pitying looks – as if I’ve missed out on something never to be missed. Meanwhile, do I go on about my quite valid life or do I cease, sensing the not too well-hidden envy?
At last, I thought, as I read it, it isn’t my imagination that parents preface every complaint about their children (oh, it’s so hard…” “I never have time for myself…” etc with “but I can’t imagine my life without them,” as if to reassure me that no matter how hard, how back-breaking or how much they secretly regret having kids, it’s the ONLY way to go. Like they have to justify their choice.
As a childfree person, the times I’m almost always expected to justify my choice to not have children. I stopped the laundry list of reasons a long time ago, and just leave it as “don’t want them.” Yet it doesn’t stop childed people asking me Why I don’t want them. Sub text “What’s wrong with you that you won’t follow the drill?”
Tim’s article has attracted over 500 comments on the NYT – 564 at last count. It bears reading again – I found it quite thought provoking, And I hope to do so, after which I think I may have additional thoughts. For now, my thought is this – you only get one life. Live it your way…for if you live it for others it opens the door to regrets.And another thought I had it this. I’m happy with my choices. It’s people who aren’t happy and don’t see why I should be either that have a problem with my choices. And that is their problem.
In the meantime, have a read of the article and please share what you think here.
Here’s the link again.
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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
It’s interesting that many of the comments on the New York Times article section are from people justifying their choices–many from parents, as per usual. Seems they may have missed the point of what the writer was getting at about loving the life you have-whatever that may be and not seeing a different life choice as a repudiation of your own. If I got upset about my decision to be childfree every time someone had a baby, I’d never get out of bed in the morning.
Oops, forgot to add–what would an article by a person without children be if it wasn’t followed by comments informing him that within a few years he would have a child. What arrogance. Again, just reinforcing the referendum, “My way is the best way, right?! Right?? Please come and join me on the parenting team!”
Exxactly. It’s as if they didn’t really read the article… or if they did, missed the whole point of it. Or, even if they read it, were bent on getting their own little “dig” in. As if, as long as the article is written by a childfree person, there has to be the need to have a kid…. some day. Condescending to the last. Actually, there were at least a couple of “you’ll regret it” bingoes in the comments.
We’re all anxiously sizing up how everyone else’s decisions have worked out to reassure ourselves that our own are vindicated — that we are, in some sense, winning.
I wonder if this is what childed people want from us… to hear us say out loud, “I’m glad that’s working out for you!” Some of the people who have tried to ferret out a “good reason” for my unwillingness to reproduce have actually been such poor listeners that they don’t even really hear what I have to say, anyway. If flinging them the cookie by telling them that they’re right will stop the interrogation and move the conversation to something more palatable, I’m going to do it.
Funny, we never ask a “reason” why they choose to have children. Yet we are always being asked to produce a “reason” for our unwillingness to conform to reproducing.
Actually I often ask; and am always met with a blank stare and then “well….it’s what you do!”
Hmm. Indeed.
What a great article, with mostly positive comments (I stopped after page 6). Funny that some of the parents missed the point completely and chastised him for not being mature enough to have kids.
It reminded me of a colleague I ran into at a wedding in March who had crossed over from teaching into administration- she was a new vice-principal and was complaining endlessly about the hours and hours involved in her new job, and how lucky I was to still be teaching and having my evenings to myself, etc… (sounds a lot like parents, right?) I finally just looked her straight in the eye and said, just quite climbing the admin ladder and go back to the classroom. It’s pretty simple, and is really easy to do in our city and school board. Nope, she just ignored that good piece of advice and continued to bitch and envy. I eventually just walked away and gave up.
Sometimes, people are the cause of their own misery.
“Funny that some of the parents missed the point completely and chastised him for not being mature enough to have kids.” They probably thought he was being an apologist too
. They completely missed the point. Reminds me of the saying “to a hammer, everything is a nail…”
I particularly liked this comment:
“As a psychiatrist, I often work with people regretting this choice or that, or justifying this choice or that, and the bulk of them fail to realize that they had fewer choices than they realized and for the most part nearly always lived within the values that mattered most to them.
Most people, childless or not, have mattered to the world and our future. And even though none of us matter much, we all matter a little.
As one of those with children, I do not think myself greater than the rest of you, or privy to some depth of experience beyond your comprehension. I consider us brothers and sisters walking through life and death towards something better than either of us is capable of.
I can say that having children is better than I thought it would be but not necessarily better than your perception of it. And it still pales in comparison with finding true fellowship in all of your fellow human beings…an exercise that is open to every member of humanity.”
Yes! Spoken like an evolved human being and a grown up!
I LOVE this comment. I need to learn how to print it off , carry it around in my wallet and show it to every paruhnt I meet.
great post, as usual britgirl!
I was somewhat annoyed though, by one of the comments, which is basically a form of the “regret” bingo. The comment was: “Because most of my friends are childless, it doesnt hit till a bit later in life, but when it does — it hits you with a sledgehammer.” See, I hate these kind of condescending implications, that all of us childfree are going to regret once we hit middle age. I think this guy fails to see the big picture, that people like the ones he mentions are truly unhappy with their lives, and that even if they had kids there would still be something missing.
honestly I feel like alot of this “regret” stuff happens when people fail to truly appreciate their lives for what they are, and fail to understand that NOTHING in life is ever PERFECT- with any decision we make there will be good and bad parts to it, we just have to figure out which good and bad parts we can deal with, and what we can’t. And, additionally, most (not all, I feel like there are the lucky few out there who don’t have ANY regrets) people have some regrets in their life, but truly emotionally healthy people accept the regret and move on, living perfectly normal, happy, fulfilling lives- its the ones that dwell on the regrets that end up miserable.
Loved this comment on the article, what about you?
“I can find little more to say other than that my wife and I, in our childless bliss, our gypsylike lifestyle, our reliance on bicycles and our own two feet, and insistence on settling for nothing less that what we want out of life, we say Well Said.
Of course we get the looks from others, strangers, old friends, and even family, but that’s expected, even understood for reasons as mentioned in the blog. We revel in our selfishness as well as the fact that we actually admit it. This is in contrast to those who have children, who whither away in daily toil to Earn Earn EARN so as to own a house, boat, 3 cars, i.e. own shtuff, as well as support their little creations, yet suggest — nay, insist– upon their Selflessness, their Sacrifice as they prick and prod those Wee Ones to excel, to be extensions of Mum and Dad, to conform, to consume, and to continue the Perpetuation of Self, which is not a wee bit selfish, oh no.
Yet, they never catch me giving them the envious eye. And that’s what really burns them up.”
-Rael64
http://happydays.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/09/17/the-referendum/?apage=7#comments
I LOVED that comment. It IS what burns them up. That we’re not envious, that we do love our lives and don’t yearn for theirs. Which again just proves the writer’s point wouldn’t you say?
I liked lots of things about the article… but this made me smile:
”
A lot of my married friends take a vicarious interest in my personal life. It’s usually just nosy, prurient fun, but sometimes smacks of the sort of moralism that H.G. Wells called “jealousy with a halo.”
“Jealousy with a halo.” Perfect description.
A woman (acquaintance) once asked me why my husband and I didn’t have children. I told her that I liked our lives the way they are. She then ACTUALLY said, “What’s the real reason?” She first asked an inappropriate question and then compounded her gaffe by clearly stating that she didn’t believe my response. I guess she was hoping for some horrible tale of infertility or genetic disorder that she could rub her paws over (better to pity than to envy) so the answer that I was actually happy without being a parent, simply infuriated her. What are some people like?
Great article, and I was heartened by all the people saying, “Bravo!” in the comments. I keep getting more psyched about the kind of childfree fantastic life my husband and I will lead (we’re in our early thirties). Thanks for posting about this article, it’s good to know that childfree people are happy with their choices. I get tired of the bingoes from childed people, and I kind of can’t wait to continue our great travels, to buy a beautiful home, and to lead a generally fabulous existence. Pass the cava! We’re childfree!
Good article. Maybe it’s because I’m a guy, but I’ve been lucky in the fact that very few people have ever really questioned me about my lack of a desire to have kids. Or if they do, they accept “I don;t want them” as an answer pretty quickly. My wife hasn’t been that lucky though and I still think that all the outside pressure had a big impact on her changing her mind and deciding that she does want them. So I do hate those people for helping to probably ruin my marraige.
Josh-You make a very important point. In general, men don’t let other people define them or their role in the world, whereas women are always being told how they should be by just about everyone. Because we tend to be more in need of connection, I think we are more vulnerable to being shut out by our peers and can be more easily manipulated into doing things we wouldn’t otherwise do for fear of not fitting in.
My husband doesn’t want children, but I can say with a great degree of certainty that even if his male friends tried to tell him how great fatherhood is and why he should have a child or three, it wouldn’t make any difference to him–at all. That said, unlike some of the women that we know, none of our male friends (with the exception of my in-law) ever said anything to my husband about why we don’t have kids. I think it’s much more acceptable for men to follow their soul mission whereas women who go against the crap tide of bogus societal expectations are given the hairy eyeball. The more things change the more they stay the same.
The first comment had a link to a great discussion on the CF topic http://www.pandalous.com/reader#p=–the_kid_question– Not sure if others of you read it, but I think it’s worthwhile. With all that I have read and continue to read on this topic, I am always surprised when I find someone articulate something new, or in a new way, that really makes me think or makes me say “Yes! That’s so true!!” Check it out.
Envy…what a perfect word for how it is.
Thank you so much for sharing this. Just brilliantly spot on. God I love love love being childfree.
You know, I made a decision – from now on, anytime someone asks me why I don’t want to have children, I’ll ask them why they had theirs. I am really curious!