Actually, I prefer a totally different term. Childfree people, or, if you like, childfree men and women. Despite the blogs, internet forums and the 21st century, there is still a good dose of ignorance about childfree people. I was thinking about this today and among other things thought that it would make for slightly different post. One that you can add to yourselves.
Here are some truths about childfree men and women
Childfree people:
…are no different from anyone else. Hence irrational shunning because they don’t feel the need reproduce is just, well rather stupid to say the least.
…come from a wide variety of backgrounds
…put up with an unacceptable amount of intrusion into their private lives. Why is it anyone’s business why we don’t want kids?
…give more thought to the issue of whether to have kids or not than their childed counterparts…
… are (very) often ridiculed for choosing not to have children…
…enjoy the fact that their lives are open to other possibilities other than having kids…
… aren’t impressed with the argument that their time is less important “because they don’t have kids”
… refuse to be ruled by a “biological clock” and don’t buy into societal myths that place them at the alter of motherhood…
Childfree women still find it hard to get a tubal ligation
Childfree men are still told “children will help them grow up…”
Childfree people are:
often prepared to walk away from a relationship if the other partner insists on having kids. This is often painful
… already enjoy fulfilled lives
Are aunts, uncles, sisters, brothers and friends…
Are everywhere.
You get the picture. These are only a few of the truths that came to mind. Most people do not know anyone who is childfree, yet everyone knows a parent – or a wanna-be parent. And unless you happen to go online and find blogs or search for “Childfree” sites, it’s unlikely you’re going to meet many childfree people in the course of your day. At work, while everyone talks about babies and children, talking about not wanting children is the equivalent of growing two heads. But I don’t want to talk about that.
Add to the list as a comment your own truth about childfree people… to some extent we have to generalise, however I’d love to see what you come up with. Feel free to personalise as well. I’ve deliberately kept it short so you can add your bits.
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…practice more mindfulness.
…question life more
…are extremely creative.
…still enjoy the fun of life, the absurd and all the things some parents give up in their 20s and 30s and then spend the rest of their lives trying to use their children as excuses to continue to enjoy these things because they have some absurd idea that it’s not socially acceptable to climb trees or go to the waterpark without someone 10 or under.
childfree people:
…will not change their mind.
… are not just “going through a phase”.
…would, if told they were infertile, be happy rather than sad.
…will never understand certain feelings, such as seeing people with children and not being able to wait until you have your own, or seeing a crying, screaming, snot-nosed baby and being excited that you will have one of those one day, or knowing full well what childbirth REALLY involves, yet being willing to go through with it.
… Have the option to live simpler lives.
The time my wife and I have is our own. We set our commitments and take on only what we want to. We spend as much or as little time together as we want, each day. No 7 AM hockey games for us. (Unless we want that) No rushing across town for Sally’s ballet class at 10 AM.
… Are more accountable to each other, we’re together because we want to be, not because we have to be.
Face it, splitting up when you are CF is much easier. Either partner can walk at any time, if they want. I this forces me to be more cognoscente of my wife’s needs, but more confident in her happiness too. I know she’s with me because she wants to be, not because she is dependent on me or my paycheck.
Ohh a few more.
… Get really sick of other people sending them tons pictures of their kids
… Do not enjoy FB updates related to anything that happens (or should happen) in the bathroom
Tell me about it! I connect with supposed business people and all of a sudden all their updates are about their kids! And I mean all the time. The “hide” button comes in useful. I use it.
I am so happy to have found your blog, Britgirl. I really enjoy the community I’ve found here and appreciate your writing as well as all of the other CF folks here commenting. Thank you!
(Also, I loathe when people put their kid’s picture in their profile pic, rather than a pic of themselves!)
Hello everybody and hello again Britgirl,
I have never been a part of online community (no facebook or Skype either….just my compulsory university e-mail) so you can say that up till now I’ve been. ..online virgin…I’ve introduced myself to Britgirl already -we exchanged few emails as I’m doing my Psychology project on social stigma and bias towards childfree women. I’ve been reading the blog, the archive and the comments for quite some time now and I somehow I feel that I know all of you. It’s such a nice feeling and finally I overcame my reluctance to go online since I realise that’s the main space we childfree people meet, discus and support each other. And of course I think this is really the best childfree blog courtesy of Britgirl and all of the contributors. It did and does help me a lot with my own feelings and thoughts. Oh,I’m as childfree as I can be
Now-the topic today. I agree with everything said so far and also…
Childfree people are more assertive, independent, self-reliant, nonintrusive to others’ life choices and do not seek justification from anybody but themselves. I think it requires a special type of person, special type of core strength not to give in to the social pressure and status quo, but to listen to your inner voice, to be true to your own chosen path however different or difficult it might be. Childfree people are more likely to realise their life potential, to devote time to self growth and commit to the responsibilities of their own action. Why? Because rather than spending time and effort on somebody else we work on ourselves, we create, achive, are successful, do not expect somebody else to do or be that. As someone once said we are do not resist the evolutions of our soul…This is what I think. I don’t know if it’s the beautiful London autumn or something else, but today I feel especially elated to be childfree. It feels great, dammit
There…this was officially my first time wow!
Hello and welcome Emanuela – really happy to see you here and thanks for your great comment!
Oopss…sorry for the mistakes here and there….just when I was feeling so good about myself. That was excitement (little mental note for myself-always use the preview option)
Cheers
Childfree people…
don’t necessarily hate children.
aren’t necessarily selfish.
aren’t afraid to go against the mainstream.
BTW, Emanuela, your post was beautiful, especially when you talked about “core strength.”
Childfree people. . .
are often imposed upon by others, especially family members, bosses and co-workers, to do favors or take on extra work because of the assumption that childfree people have no “real” responsibilities and lots of spare time
often have a hard time fitting in and/or feeling comfortable in family-friend places of worship
are often accused of not fulfilling their obligations to “further the race/ethnic group” or further a political and/or religious agenda by not having children
are the object of jealousy by some childed people who envy the childfree freedom
~are often accused of not fulfilling their obligations to “further the race/ethnic group” or further a political and/or religious agenda by not having children~
Wow, I actually heard this argument for the first time from a bunch of progressive, feminist types over the weekend. They said progressives had to have a bunch of babies to counteract all the babies the conservatives keep having. WTF? FEMINISTS are saying have a bunch of babies to save the world? What?
Yeah, like there’s a 100% chance that your 10 kids will come out exactly like you.
…have families too
…are not cold and uncaring
…do not all live in palaces and have jet set lifestyles
…care enough about children not to have unwanted ones
…think their choices through
…have the courage of their convictions
…don’t need to be lectured about their freely made choice
…would appreciate not being asked intensely personal questions in public places!
Welcome Emanuela! Your post was lovely.
…understand that they may not be the best parent(s) in the world.
…see the need to NOT waste taxpayer money on children that they cannot afford.
…enjoy the freedom of not having children.
Thank you for this. It makes me feel more confident in answering my family’s questions about why I don’t have children yet. And even more confident in saying “because I don’t want to.”
More power to you Nicole. Thanks for commenting!
Childfree people don’t want or need pity, advice or approval. They simply want the same respect that every unique human being deserves regardless of race, sex, sexual orientation, or reproductive choice.
Childfree people don’t get their life instructions from the media or the church.
Childfree people would rather be true to themselves than adapt to cultural norms.
last night my partner (who wants kids) told me that my comment about raising children being a repetitive job (ok I admit I said the most repetitive job in the world, haha) was ignorant.
Apparently the variety is when they learn new words and discover new things, which of course happens every single day for the entire 20+ years that you spend taking care of them. Watching them say “mummy” for the first time is exciting enough to make all the cooking, cleaning, disciplining, fatigue, money counting etc etc feel less like repitition and more like an exciting and varied trip into strange new lands.
So, I would like to add
…childfree people are not blinded by the propoganda
…childfree people are aware of BOTH sides of what it really means to raise a child, and have made a considered, intelligent, realistic and AWARE decision based on a great deal of research
…and above all, childfree people are certainly not ignorant
“and above all, childfree people are certainly not ignorant…” They are smart. Smart enough to know there has to be more than watching a child smile or whatever line we get fed, just before we’re told “it’s all worth it” Raising children is repetitive, even if the children themselves are interesting. But no-one ever wants to admit it, because if they do… maybe your partner should read what what the unhappy mommies said on their mommy blog some months back. I’ll get the link sometime. 700+ comments from mothers mostly saying how unhappy they were being.. wait for it – parents. For a variety of reasons, it has to be said, and with a loaded question, but it was one of the most depressing comment threads I’d ever read on-line.
Hi Britgirl, I’m a dedicated lurker going quietly insane with this old chestnut of a dilema. Please can you post that link that you mentioned. I need quote’s of the sort you mentioned in my arsenal. Thanks in advance, love the site.
Here you go Matthew.
http://thebritgirl.com/2009/01/13/the-truth-about-parenting-and-essential-reading-for-the-childfree/
I’ve read several comment threads before, this particular comment thread was about the most depressing… 700+ comments mostly on how unhappy they were being parents (or rather being mothers). You will see how the question was loaded, but even so. On the plus side it proves that when parents tell you “it’s all wonderful, really, and you should have kids” they’re being less than truthful to put it mildly. There were some parents who were honest… and I highlighted a telling quote.. but, even though it’s a mommy blog, the misery was palpable. Couldn’t read more than a few comments.
Lisa,
As someone who has the fight with my baby-rabid wife on an almost daily basis, I’d like to add that we don’t believe it’s always different when it’s your own. I seriously get that one at least 10 times a day from my wife. And, no, I don’t believe that’s always true. Of course, I also get just about every insult in the book thrown at me regularly, including that I’m ignorant if I can’t understand how wonderful every second of parenthood is, because I was apparently stupid enough to believe that she married me for more than my sperm and wallet.
Also, I’m not under the mistaken impression that it’s all hugs and giggles and mommy/daddy I love you, etc. I also agree that while there are good moments like that, it doesn’t even come close to making up for all the crap and stress that goes with it. For some people it does, but not for me.
…but it IS different when they’re you own – it’s a thousand times worse and there is no escape!!
It’s a tough argument isn’t it. Fortunately we don’t really every argue over it, we just talk about it now and then, and sometimes a comment will slip from one of us like it did from me the other night. So far there are no fights, and the minute we start fighting about it, well for me that’s the end.
What I struggle with at the moment is that I’m worried he might be thinking “oh she’ll change her mind” and I know that I won’t – yet I have to admit that deep down I am thinking that maybe once more of our friends have kids, HE will change his mind! So it’s definitely double standards on my part. Hmmm.
At least, if/when our relationships break down over this, we know where to turn for support.
Yeah, I’m a victim of the “he’ll change his mind” line of thought. We seemed to be in agreement before marraige, but she says now that she thought it was just a phase and that she didn’t really believe me. Of course, part of the reason we still constantly have the fight is that she refuses to “believe the lie from the devil” that I don’t want kids/she won’t have kids with me. Nothing like being called evil and not having your feelings taken seriously on an almost constant basis. Good times.
@Josh – surely if she was the one who failed to believe you then, and refuses to believe you now that is her problem? Unfortunately now it is yours. Have to say if my husband pulled this kind of emotional blackmail stunt on me (which he would not) I’d be out of there. I cannot imagine me calling him ignorant or him me… and as for references to evil… that beggars belief. And your church is okay with this? Scratch that… seems if it leads to you caving in it must be okay….that’s sad. Are you going to get your own counseller?
It’s very unfair on you Josh, that your wife chose not to listen to you when you told her you didn’t want kids, and is now angry because you still don’t want them. I wonder how much of her hostility to you is transferred anger at herself for her silly and selfish refusal to respect your opinion from the outset. She made this problem. Not you. If she had truly listened to you, she would not be in this situation today, and somehow she needs to take responsibility for that, instead of demanding that you change.
@Britgirl, from the sound of things everyone that she mentions this to at church, or really anywhere else, including my family, takes her side. My own mother even told her to “oops” me. As for the counselor, she’s angry because the counselor has basically given up trying to convince me and has told her that trying to force me is the worst thing she could do for everyone involved, especially any potential child. So, if you want to look at it that way, I beat her stacked deck, and she’s furious about it. Although, she fails to realize that if the counselor had told me what she thought/hoped they would it still wouldn’t have made me do it, but that’s beside the point.
Yeah, it gets harder to deal with almost all the time. I guess the reason I’m still around is that a part of me does feel guilty. Also, I think she’s speaking out of hurt right now, so I’m just waiting to see if once she gets that out whether this is salvagable or not. I’m not optimistic but we’ll see.
These are such great comments! I KNEW it! I think I could have started with two and you’d have made plenty of comments much better than the original article. I’m glad waited to do this one… it really felt like something that has to be said – by all of us… So please keep the comments coming.
I have some more…
… are tired of constant Facebook updates in which they go on and on about their kid doing this, their kid doing that, ALL the time. Have hidden several feeds because of this
…understand that many social network friends have kids, don’t mind the odd status – but made friend request based on person as business person or “friend” not on person’s kid/z. so reading the minutiae (sp) of said kidz is boring.
…wonder what it is that makes people dissolve into their kids personas on FB et all -as if they don’t have one of their own.
…also don’t believe because they were once kids it automatically means they must have one.
…are still mystified as to why it’s anyone’s business what a childfree person chooses to do.
Didn’t know exactly where to put this, but my hackles are up around my ears…. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1223241/Yes-children-DO-make-happier.html#comments
Another one, slightly tongue-in-cheek, inspired by the following comment (parts edited by me) from a website.
>>How about the loving bond you share with a child? You do realize that every person WAS a child once? If your parents had chosen to be childLESS where would you be? …besides that… there is no better feeling than hearing “I love you” from one of those adorable little kids.<<
…the childfree have more originality and personality than any parent, because they have the time to develop them.
:p
… you were a child once… I’ve been told you had a happy time….
Oh god, I had the second bit from my dad’s former girlfriend. What on earth must he told her about me? My childhood was nothing but constant illness and being smothered by my grandparents, so no I did not have a happy time. Would I want to relive it? What do you think?
She was given a heavily rose-tinted version of my dad’s memories, which bore absolutely no relation to the reality. You should have seen her face when I gave her some of the truth. I left a lot out, but she nearly threw up her Chiraz!
Some people do have a strange idea about how to advertise being sprogged up: Hey, how about it being a continual Kodak moment? Great!
…sometimes didn’t give the whole thing much thought but were just never interested in parenthood, because… well, they weren’t. So, asking them “But why don’t you want to have kids? Why? Why? WHY???” makes just as much sense as asking someone “But why don’t you want to become an astronaut/learn how to play the trumpet/don’t you like Wagner operas/move to Paraguay/do you prefer chocolate icecream over vanilla icecream… why? why? WHY???”
…are often involved in community work, because they have the time and energy to do so…
…should be thanked rather than shunned for not procreating, because every kid that I WON’t have wil leave more space/water/air/resources to the kids that you DO have
Childfree people…
…believe it is possible to have meaningful relationships with people other than the ones we could give birth to.
…don’t see the “tradgedy” of infertility that the rest of society seems obsessed with.
…realize that there are so many other things to do/experience in life other than procreation (things we wouldn’t have time/money/energy for if we did procreate!).
I got one which certainly relates to me and I’m sure it does to other childfree men and women.
Childfree people are not attracted to their SO because they are the future mother/father of their children. We are with our partners because we love them, enjoy them and want to experience deeper intimacy and maybe greater love with them. Parents depend mostly on children to provide them with this special bond with the spouse, whereas childfree people focus on the couple itself as it is, without expecting somebody else to come and strengthen the relationship-we do that ourselves by growing, changing and travelling through life together.
Have you heard that one before “He is so sexy when he’s taking care of the baby” ”I love her so much because she’s the mother of MY children”. (Personally I don’t find that sexy-something of the sexiness and independency is lost forever when you’re a daddy or a mummy) .So some people fall in love with the image of the future father /mother and not with the person they want to love and cherish for being what they already are. And it is not the characteristics typically associated with being a mother they are attracted to (supposedly females who are mothers are warm, caring, gentle) it is because she carries their babies, regardless of the qualities she has as a mother. Anybody said something about being selfish?
Childfree people are immune to that. We are strong and confident enough to rely on the currently present two people and our own resources of creativity, imagination and growth. I think we do it superbly.
I also think childfree people are more free in experiencing various sexual pleasures-well can you play naked in the kitchen/living room/everywhere with kids, can you be loud, can you watch adult stuff(how do you explain that this is a different kind of rabbit to your 5 y/o daughter?). There is no guilt that someone might see and no responsibility of setting an example and demonstrating an appropriate behaviour-at least not in the privacy of our own home.
Hi Emanuela,
To take your thought one step further, this lines up with something I’ve been pondering and posting about somewhere else.
… Childfree people are more accountable for their relationship with the partner every day.
When you are CF, there is (usually) far less dependency in your relationship. I know my wife is with me b/c she wants to be, not b/c she needs my paycheck or help. She can leave tomorrow if she wants, as can I with minimal impact to quality of life. We both know this, so every day we honour our vows, and pay attention to our relationship, partners needs and so on.
CFC
Yes,CFC,
Precisely.
Freedom of choice is everything, isn’t it? It’s great to enjoy the life you chose, it’s almost like being in love and in a relationship and being free at the same time. I think we can afford to feel unbound in somebody’s arms.
childfree people statistically have happier lives than those with children – only at the age of 85 does the trend reverse!! … I love this article from the indepentent a few years back written by a professor of happiness (I mean what a great job!!) I love the bit about the black line plummeting …. and realise we have made the right choice! lol ….
http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/dr-feelgood-486771.html
“And what of children – surely the next step to a life of contentment? Quick as a flash, Veenhoven, a father of three, prints out a graph from his computer. It shows the happiness levels of couples rising and peaking after marriage. Then, when children arrive, the black line plummets at such a rapid decent you can almost hear an aeroplane nosediving. “One of the surprises is that children don’t add to happiness,” says Veenhoven. “The presence of children detracts from the quality of marriage, at least to the quality of the modern, romantic, equal marriage. The situation becomes even more unhappy in modern marriages where the mother is working and looking after children.”
But what of those who say that having children was the best thing they ever did? “These people might think so, but they don’t know how life would have been if they hadn’t had children.” But the trend reverses at the age of 85, when those with children are happier than those without. “I do think that we have a need for companionship, so if you are childless but have a lot of friends, you easily compensate. But if you happen to reach 90, then most of your friends are dead and then it’s an advantage to have children and grandchildren.”
so pleased to have found this blog!
Childfree people don’t need biological ties to feel profound love and connection.
Childfree people look at the big picture of how they affect the planet and the people around them.
Childfree people don’t use other human beings (children) as blackmail or bargaining chips in relationships.
Childfree people look at the agenda behind pro-natal propaganda spewed by governments and political parties.
Childfree people don’t verbally abuse and or manipulate their partners in answer to a hormonal urge to procreate.
Childfree people don’t give a rat’s ass how many celebrities, non-celebrities, real housewives, super obese women or little people have children, multiple children or platoons of children.
P.S. Kathryn–interesting that the study points out that those who say that having children was the best thing they ever did–umm, haven’t done anything else. Thank you! I’ve often had that same thought, as many of the people who make that claim had children early and gave up all other life pursuits. I suppose if the only thing you have ever done is dig a ditch that would also be the best thing, no?!
Childfree people…
…are blissfully unburdened.
…engage deeply with the world on levels that parents can only fantasize about.
…watch their miserable, baby-saddled friends with some sympathy…but mostly relief.
are free free free!
Childfree people truly understand that leaving a legacy does not mean having children. Sure, children can be a legacy (if they become great contributors to mankind with their creativity, intelligence, and talents), but that is not the only way to leave a legacy. A legacy is also left through music, literature, inventions that have made a difference in society (or to just a few for that matter), theatre, you name it…so many ways to leave a legacy behind, even in your small circle of friends and family. Also, childfree people do not feel the need to replicate themselves, they are totally fulfilled with their own sense of existence.
Wanted to add:
While childfree people understand that hearing an ‘I love you’ from a child or any endearing remark is indeed heartwarming, and also understand that this can truly make a parent elated with joy, they feel absolutely no need or even desire for that interaction. They see it for what it is, are able to appreciate it, and just move on with their own fulfilled lives.
Childfree people are…
-teachers, doctors, nurses, and other respectable people
-are generally smarter than the childed (statistically true!! The more education a woman has, the LESS likely she is to breed!)
-do more for society than lie on their backs and procreate.
I’m an educator of young adults. I see my job as much MUCH more important than that of the parent. Honestly, I do what the parents SHOULD do… I prepare the kids for a life in the real world and provide the tools that they will need. Of course, this is getting harder and harder to do, since ignorant parents (see #2 above) tell their kids how ‘useless’ an education is.
Hey girl! Long time no talk.
I see you’re big time into “child-free life” …i don’t know how to put the rest.
But, i want to add my thoughts to this.
About 10 years ago i found out i can’t have children. At first, i didn’t care. Then one day i felt like being a mother. A very deep but disturbing feeling, considering the situation.
As time passed by, i realized the freedom i had, compared to young women at my age and i started appreciating my life as it was…. as it is.
I didn’t have to obey any society rules on breeding, having to have kids screaming into my head the whole day and the whole thing that comes with the territory.
I am a happy child-free person, not by choice, but i am happy that whatever twisted thing happened to me 10 years ago, it doesn’t hurt me and i can enjoy life freely.
Others can do the multiplying on my behalf. They are welcome to it.
And even thought i know i would be an amazing mom, i don’t want to be one….not anymore.
Cheers and may you enjoy a beautiful and happy child-free life.
Childfree people are
…MUCH easier to make plans with…brunch, dinner, movies etc. all are fun and easy to plan!
… are probably happier in general because they control how to spend their time.
…. would rather clean a litter box than change a diaper. (this one, anyway!)
Ditto! It’s hard enough trying to balance my time between career, artistic pursuits, social life, marriage and the occasional spontaneous outing – all of which I enjoy immensely. I can’t imagine throwing a child to care for into all that and still being able to balance & enjoy my life fully. At least with my husband we can negotiate our free time as equals – there’s no negotiation with children because they are your dependents, their needs have to come first.
And I would totally take cleaning the litterbox over dealing with dirty diapers ANY DAY – especially since we switched to pinewood litter. Controls odors great, smells like a pine forest and you just scoop out the clumps and flush away. Somehow I just can’t see that being done with diapers…
…sometimes know from an early age that they never want children.
I saw a comment saying that it is hard for childfree women to get a tubal litigation. If you are in UK and willing to pay then I recommend Marie Stopes in Essex. I feel that something that had bothered me has finally been laid to rest.
Childfree people …
… don’t have animals as child substitutes. They love their animals precisely because they’re NOT children..
… have the utmost respect for people who parent well. It’s the irresponsible minority that annoy us.
Oooh! It’s been tweeted!!