Childfree – I want a Child and That’s all That Matters…

Does the fact that someone is childfree merit such a lack of respect between partners? I’m thinking especially of this thread On Men, Kidults and Not wanting kids where, among other things we’ve read how somehow wanting a child seems to be more important than anything else, certainly more important than the other partner and the relationship.

And first, thanks to Josh and everyone else who has contributed and shared on that thread – and of course on all the others.

The complete acquiescence to having a child, even if you’ve been quite clear about the fact you don’t want any, is seen as “growing up”, “being normal”, “being right” and “being sensible.” That means, as we have seen in both Josh’s story and and Lisa’s contribution that in a relationship where one partner wants kids, the other partner’s views become irrelevant.  Why? Suddenly one partner is put on the defensive, having to defend why they are childfree and that changing that would be a bad thing to their own partner!  This is the same partner who knew all along that being childfree was part of the other partner’s personality and will, yet still dismissed that as being less important than the fact that she (I am using she in this case since the original post was about men) wants a child.

In other words, they thought the partner would change their mind (read – I never really took you seriously about being childfree) or that they would change their minds for them (read – my wanting a child is more important than  what you want). Then there is the clear message – “having a child is, to me, more important than our relationship.”

So what exactly does this mean? To me it means the woman is saying to the man that having a child is more important than everything we’ve built, more important than being childfree and comes before everything else. Including respect. The husband has to be careful not to end up with a child regardless, by way of being oopsed. Some men will give in, either worn out by the constant pressure or maybe even believing that perhaps it won’t be as bad as they’d thought… and maybe they were being selfish, etc, etc. It’s hard when everyone you know, even those close to you thinks the complete opposite of childfree.

I wonder, with that kind of pressure (and you can read all the conversation in the thread) what kind of values would be passed on to the child? I’m sure that respect for others would be at the top of the list, but when you’ve pressured someone else into doing something which clearly isn’t in their best interests, how can you teach respect? Some women  will say that  they can’t help wanting a child, and that not wanting one isn’t normal. Having kids is “what you do”… isn’t it? Will they then encourage their own kids to put pressure on their partners to get what they want? To ignore their partners in the quest to have a child?

We have no idea how many relationships break up because suddenly one partner decides they can change the childfree person’s mind about having kids. Although it’s a sad thing I am happy that Josh and everyone else who is going through a rough time has taken the time to share… and that at lease they know they are not as crazy as their partners would have them believe. It goes without saying that I am grateful I am not faced with such a painful choice –  relationship and being true to oneself or children (as we know it never stops at one child). We both respected each other’s choice and I don’t expect that to change

Putting up with “oh you’ll change your mind” and the lack of respect from strangers is one thing. Having to endure it from a spouse is something else entirely.

Your thoughts?

Tagged as: Childfree, childfree men, childfree women, Men, oopsed