Ever had that lobbed at you when you say you’re childfree, or that you don’t have kids? I have. Recently, after telling me how looking after her 3 kids left no time for going out and doing non-kid things such as going out for dinner, a chance acquaintance (and I use the word very loosely) then proceeded to tell me how “lucky” I was because I had time to “take vacations” and “fly all over the world.” Code for “you have nothing else to do have you?”
Now, it’s not that I can’t take vacations (and by the way do do many parents and kids since said kids are often in the same plane and kicking the back of my seat), and I guess I could fly all over the world if I wanted to, but the point was this woman knew hardly anything about me yet presumed to know how much free time I had. It was as annoying as the comment so often made by parents-to-be…jokingly or not: “Oh, you can babysit for us since you don’t have kids of your own…” I think not. You will be getting a baby-sitter. It won’t be me.
In the first place, it isn’t a question of luck. One chooses whether or not to have a child. And, it must be presumed, one chooses to have a second child. I chose not to have kids. Just because one is childfree does not mean we have nothing else to do with our lives. Of course the implication is that, unless you have kids, any other work you may do is secondary and not as fulfilling, therefore not as worthwhile as bringing up kids. And then there is the undertone that your time could be better spent… doing the work of raising children, which doesn’t leave that much time to do “interesting stuff.” Which in turn I suppose would create a buddy with whom one could gripe with about how hard it is bringing up kids.
The interesting thing is that my life is full. No room for kids, even if I did want them. From juggling a small business with a FT job to pursuing my hobbies and getting time for myself and my husband… I certainly am not looking for more stuff to fill my time. Because I don’t have kids how I decide to spend my time is up to me… and not subject to the demands of a child. Take vacations? You bet. And it’s great to be able to take them when I want to. The childfree people I know all have full and busy lives – not one of them is pining away for kids to fill their time, nor are they needing permission to enjoy their leisure time or any time for that matter.
I didn’t bother to elaborate on the fact that one doesn’t need to have kids to live a full life. Or that childfree people are just as different and individual as anyone else. I suspected that I’d be wasting my breath and besides I didn’t really care when it came down to it. But since it was just another example of how so often people leap to conclusions about the childfree I thought it was worth sharing these thoughts with you and finding out what you thought.
As always feel free to share your thoughts.
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I have had that one lobbed at me. I feel really lame at my answer. I was at that time working full time, attending school half-time, involved in a religious group, and playing theater games with friends regularly. But I also had still more free time, and in that free time I experimented making random stuff. So my lame answer was that I made soap with my free time. Why did I say that? Because my other things did not seem like free time to me. They were regular commitments. My only “free time” was spent goofing off making crafts. Anyways. I do have tons of free time. And I love it!
I actually have plenty of time to do what I want to do… And I think that’s what gets people who imply that being childfree is equal to do nothing of value to them. At the drop of a hat my husband and I can decide we want to travel or go to dinner or watch movies… And just do it That’s something I always appreciate.
Frankly, I usually do have a LOT of free time, but just because I’m CF doesn’t mean I don’t have plenty of things to do. Currently I am filling said free time with sewing and Christmas tasks (Yaaaaaaaaay Christmas!!!).
If I may threadjack for a moment, another CF assumption I find annoying is the “Christmas is for the kids” rubbish. As a cashier I’ve heard that one line goodness knows how many times in the past month. I will cheerfully ask “Are you excited about Christmas?” while bouncing in my seat. The customer will sigh and say “Christmas is for the kids really…” and that’s my cue to smile and answer “Well, we’re all someones kid arent we?”. It always gets a smile out of them.
Fact is, I love having lots of free time, and how is it my fault that they don’t have any free time at all?
I don’t know how come people with children have so much time to criticize people who don’t want children. It’s a matter of choice, if I don’t judge your personal choices why do you judge mine? I believe that society can’t yet accept the fact that some people don’t want to have children. And, Yes my life is full and No, there is nothing wrong with me, for not wanting children!
I’m really thankful that I have several childfree friends, so I don’t get the “bingoes” as often, but I’ve gotten a similar remark to this one from strangers on occasion.
My life is very busy. I work two jobs, am trying to break into the photography and writing industries, and I have a lot of time-consuming hobbies. If I had kids, I would have to make some major sacrifices to my time or my sanity (or both) that I am not willing to make.
People with children do seem to be very judgmental of the CF. I met my cousin’s husband for the first time this summer and he asked why we didn’t have children. I said it just wasn’t something we wanted to do. To me it’s that simple. And at one point during the day my husband and I were left alone with their kids for about 1/2 hour. No one asked us to watch them. They just disappeared… Maybe they thought they should help fill our free time.
So the childfree are supposed to have lots of free time on our hands, are we? Apparently I missed the boat on this one because my life is full to overflowing and I am constantly complaining that I could use more time to spend with the husband/take a chunk out of that “to do” pile at work/finish one of my many art projects on the back burner/go to the gym/etc. Ok, to be fair, I do kind of like the chaos, but I can always choose to take a break from it when I want. Britgirl’s right by pointing out that “how I decide to spend my time is up to me… and not subject to the demands of a child.” I think that’s the underlying point behind the “You don’t have kids – you must have so much free time!” sentiment – it’s not so much about “free time” as it is about the greater degree of freedom those of us without children have to apply to our “free time.”
The vacation analogy points that out pretty well. Both the childed and childfree take vacations, for example, but there are a hell of a lot more constraints for those with kids in choosing and organizing a vacation than for those of us without kids: parents have to coordinate time off from work with each other and their kids’ school vacations, vacation spots have to be “family friendly” (whatever that’s supposed to mean) and affordable for a family of 3+, etc., and because most of the time families are locked into certain dates because of school schedules, there’s far less room to maneuver for cheaper fly/vacation dates. Compared to that, what those of us without kids go through to schedule a typical vacation sounds like a cakewalk. Pretty easy to see who has more freedom with their free time in that case and if I were a parent, I’d be more than a little envious of that – doesn’t make it right, but I think it’s at least understandable.
However, the insinuations that raising kids is a more worthwhile way to spend one’s time than “interesting pursuits” is just silly. Sure, raising a child is a worthwhile way to spend one’s time – IF that is truly how a person wants to do with his or her life, but it’s no more or less valid than, say, an artist spending a life devoted to painting or a scientist spending a life devoted to research. It would be ridiculous to pressure a gifted artist to ignore that calling in favor of science because it is more “useful” or to pressure a talented scientist to crank out bad art because it is more “creative,” so how is it any less ridiculous to tell or insinuate to someone who knows he or she doesn’t want children that it’s more “worthwhile” to raise children and he/she should do it anyway?
I’m the sort of person who needs my downtime. There are times when I crave solitude, quiet, and the ability to just lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling for an hour. “Free time ” is time to recharge my batteries, and get back in touch with myself – without people (or small people) screaming in my face. Being a parent with all the attendant chaos would give me a mental breakdown – but I can only imagine how a parent would view ceiling-gazing as an appalling waste of time.
I can’t even begin to imagine how many things I would have to give up to a small tyrant in my life. I was just contemplating yesterday that I have plans for every weekend up until mid Feb, when I go to the Olympics for a week (squee!!). In between, there’s dance classes, gym time, after work swimming, snowboarding with my crew, snowshoeing with the girls, school time for interest courses, dinner with friends, dogs to walk … I have no free time either, should I complain?
I hate it when parents tell me how ‘lucky’ I am. You’re right, luck has nothing to do with it. You made your choices and I made mine. I’m happy with mine …
One of the reasons I don’t want kids is because I don’t want to give up my free time to become a slave. While many of things I choose to do with it may not seem important enough to some people, the fact is that I don’t have enough to do all the things I want to do as it is.
I’m also the type that needs time away from everybody. Some times a lot of it. I was that way as a child, and also been that way all of my adult life. I doubt it will ever change. My wife is actually pretty understanding on that one, but somehow I don’t think a kid would be.
Sounds like a whole lot of envy to me. I’d probably just smile, and say, yeah, I have loads of free time and I enjoy every last second of it. Could have been your life, too, if you’d made the same choice…
The only thing I can (almost) complain about is that, as a teacher, I don’t actually get to choose when I go on vacation, since it coincides with school vacation breaks. It’s not really a complaint, though, since we do get a lot of time off. What I do choose, though, is to stay away from the target family tourist destinations, because the last thing I want to do on my break is be surrounded by a slew of children.
-AM
That’s one of the great things about being childfree…some of us are very busy with things we enjoy while others have lots of free time to just relax. I am just busy enough for me — I like to spend time reading, cooking, watching movies and generally relaxing. I can’t imagine a life where I couldn’t sleep in I were tired or couldn’t just sit in the tub reading a good book if I felt like it.
It frustrates me to no end why people with children think that the childfree have a lot of free time just because they don’t have children (and a lot of extra money to boot). If I had free time, the last thing I’d want to do with it is take on the drudgery of child-rearing. I have a ton of hobbies (art, playing music, reading, traveling) to keep me busy my entire life, once and when that free time comes about!!
Everyone can look at the person beside them and think “they have so much time on their hands!” Ironically, many husbands seem to think that their wives (full-time-mothers) have “so much time on their hands” and just watch Dr Phil all day. Those wives usually insist that they had way more free time back when they used to work full-time.
The truth of it (to me) is that mothers, and perhaps fathers, do USUALLY have more on their plate (more time-suckers) than child-free people. Having said that, does anyone feel like they have any time these days? Most of us, childfree or not, are constantly busy.
My full-time job allows me very little free time – just evenings and the weekends – but I make damn sure I enjoy stuff. But I am a pretty responsible person I think; I do our recycling every week, walking it right across the other side of town. Last Sunday I was doing this, swinging along, and I suddenly had this wonderfull wave of realization that I really loved doing this task! I was doing a social duty, getting some great exercise and playing my music as I strode along. I might have limited free time, but my god I’d better make it good. The onslaught of parenthood would rob me of that particular wave of pleasure. Yeah, I’m sure selfish!
I went on a vacation to Greece one time, together with my boyfriend’s family. And I mean entire family: two older brothers with wives and kids, and his parents. We are the youngest ones and no kids, of course. Just fresh out of college. Anyway, what I want to say is that after that vacation I don’t plan on having kids any time sooner than 30 – 35 years old. And even this isn’t settled. It was absolutely exhausting. I think I cried more than the kids. Just hauling and kicking and screaming and being obnoxious little beings. I’m sure of course, they can be cute and cuddly sometimes, but I’m not sure I’m willing to pay the price. Ever.
Hear, hear! I get sooo tired of the snark leveled at me by jealous childed people! Yes, I may have a lot of “free time,” but it’s spent doing meaningful things (most of the time, heh). I treasure my solitude and peace and quiet. I like only having to pick up after myself and my OWN messes, not those of a pack of children and my spouse, too!
Agreed that it’s all about choices, not “luck.” I’m not “lucky,” I have given a lot of thought to the kind of life I want to lead, and as a result have made choices which enable me to live my life (mostly) the way I choose! NOT having kids is a big part of that.
All I know is that I’m glad I’m not a parent. And besides, parenthood is never guaranteed. I mean, life’s not guaranteed either, but parenthood can be extra-dicey (just ask any serial killer’s parents, lol). Not to mention extra-stressful!
I’m looking forward to one day having a home with a garage/workshop. I would LOVE to get back into creating jewelry & metalsmithing! I also want to learn glassblowing (although I would probably be best served by buying time at a studio, I probably would want to wait before investing in a furnace, etc.!). A garage full of hot/sharp/dangerous things would also be a great way to keep my house CF, hee hee!
I try these days to fill my days with more hobbies and to improve my social circle, because I DO really got too much time on my hands right now. After several years of studies and building up a career I have finally (…?) settled more down. That I recently broke out of a relationship also open the door for new adventures.
I am sometimes impressed how parents manage to juggle their days but it is really not something I want for myself. The more I see parents in action I understand that spare time for yourself and quick turns in life is history. For ME that is is not very attractive even if kids can be alright in some doses. Besides, I am getting too old for all that.
Should a CF person NOT live out their lives because its so unfair that they have more choice compared to many others? Of course not!
I don’t remember ever being told that I was ‘lucky’ not to have children. But I’m still relatively young, so it’s a foregone conclusion that I’ll eventually have children – even when I clearly state that I won’t, which is no less annoying than being told you’re ‘lucky’ not to have any.
I agree that not having children has nothing to do with luck (in most cases), and everything to do with planning and standing your ground, not submitting to societal pressure (which is real and pretty intense).
As for the assumption ‘no children = loads of free time’, that can be a massive misconception. Lots of CF people have to or choose to look after elderly and/or ailing relatives and in so doing have no more time left to do with as they like than any childed person. Yet there’s none of the dubious social status attached to caring for people other than children, and telling these people that they must have sooo much time on their hands because they don’t have children is doubly insulting.
Child free?
i wish happy cristmass for all of you
Both my late grandmother and my late dad used to get on my nerves with that. Grandma felt that I should spend all my free time visiting at her home. Dad expected that I would drop what I was doing at any time to do favors for him (which, by the way never benefitted anyone but him). The both of them would downgrade anything else I did, figuring it wasn’t “real” because it did not involve a husband and kids.
The idea that childfree persons have an abundance of free time is silly. We have to work, pay bills, shop for groceries, clean the house, run errands, etc., like everyone else.
I’m living childfree after loss & infertility, but I can relate. I blogged about this same topic at almost this exact same time two years ago:
http://theroadlesstravelledlb.blogspot.com/2007/11/in-tizzy-about-being-busy.html
So apparently childfree people don’t have jobs, hobbies, volunteer work, or other obligations?
Very late commenting on this, only just found this great blog
I think responding with how busy your life is without children is not really the point. It is true for many childfree people, but you shouldn’t have to stress it to justify your decision not to have kids or to justify that your life is as meaningful as that of people with kids. You have both chosen to use the time you don’t spend earning money or fulfilling other obligations to do something you want to do. They chose to spend it raising children, you chose to travel/be creative/volunteer etc. Their choice IS a choice and is not morally superior to yours (whatever they think!) and you shouldn’t have to defend yourself.