I’m working on a documentary film about our reality of childfree women (my blog is about that… if you read French ^_- , i included the link) and i discovered that men can get an appointment for a vasectomy as soon as they’re of legal age (18 in Quebec, 19 in Ontario), whereas women of 30 can’t even get to see a doctor to talk about getting their tubes tied because quote “there’s too high a risk they will change their minds”… whereas men of 18 never change their minds?

Anyhow… that greatly frustrated me and i hope we’ll get to see this change in the coming years, that men and women will get the same treatment when it comes to deciding what they can do with their own bodies.

At first I just accepted it, as I have never had any particular desire to have children myself. However as time went on I started to think maybe I did want us to have kids, so much so that I would break down and cry if I saw friends with babies. I was upset that it would never be me, that I was missing out and the decision had been taken out of my hands.

After discussing these feelings with my husband he said he would reconsider (not really possible in your case, with the vasectomy), and so we agreed that we might have kids one day. In fact he now seemed pretty keen on the idea.

So now I had the choice I began to think about it properly, and I discovered the term “childfree” for the first time, and lovely blogs such as Britgirl’s. It was only when I had the choice that I happily chose to be childree based on my own research and feelings. It shows that the only reason I thought I wanted children was because someone told me I couldn’t have them.

In fact parenting itself does not appeal to me in any way, and my feelings for wanting a child were purely based on mystical ideas like “it would be so wonderful to create a life that was part of me and my husband”, which is not a good reason to go ahead. As a woman on my own I would never be interested in babies or childrearing (no biological clock issues), it would only be my husband’s baby that I would be vaguely interested in, so I guess that is different from your own feelings which seem to be the desire to parent a baby in general rather than create a specific one.

I hope that makes some sense! I’m a long time reader of the blog – first time commenter.

As to bias… I think people on the fence need to “look and learn”. One thing this blog does is provide some validation for those thinking maybe they don’t have to have kids after all…but everyone they know is telling them they must and that they are nuts. Or worse.

It can still be quite a shock to discover that having children isn’t on your list of things to do. Most if not everyone commenting here is childfree, so of course we’re not going to be very interested in the joys of having kids – plus I’ve always been clear that we’re uninterested in hearing about it!

I agree fencesitters need to get both sides of the story… the problem is only they very honest parent will tell you what parenting is really like. Most of society will cheerfully say go on and have a kid if you’re feeling like you want one….so it’s hard to find a good balance anywhere. But I recall I did my research… I read books I watched parents and their kids, I listened when they talked about kids, good and bad… and I read between the lines. I knew I was leaning towards not having kids, we discussed it for a couple of years, but the kicker was I didn’t want them enough to warrant the life change I knew would come about.

You’re right in that people need to find a balance of opinion, though the childfree writings here and elsewhere are but a whisper when compared to the pro-natalist roar we have to contend with.

At the end of the day it comes down to a choice – , Do you really want kids, and, if so are you prepared for what that really means, with all the consequences and impacts? Or do you not want kids at all and are you prepared to stand up for and be happy with your decision to be childfree? Hopefully the blog informs the thought process!

So true. And finally I have found the way to phrase this exact sentiment to my grandmother who keeps insisting I’ll regret leaving him when I’m 36 and want kids.

Why 36? I have no idea.

I personally don’t believe in a biological clock, mainly because I’ve never heard one.. only people talking about how it runs their lives. I think you need to decide what it is you want. If it is children, start thinking of getting out of that relationship as it isn’t fair to your partner. There is no value in the “what if I become bitter and resentful down the road…” you can’t live your life in the future you can only make a decision for yourself, today.. The decision is about you… not him.

A pair of fully fundioning gonads does not a good relationhip make!
All the best!

But in many ways it’s made easier because we know we’ve made the right decision, and we will definitely still remain in each others lives, after a little time apart to move on.

But yes, the sympathy doesn’t seem to be there for the childfree person. There’s quite a rough sort of “well I told you you’d lose him” sentiment among many older people, and I know that many of the people he tells will speak ill of me, while there isn’t anybody who’ll say anything negative about him (not that they should!).

Thankfully I have many childfree girlfriends who understand how I feel. And a supportive blog to post on!

Now obviously this site is going to be biased, but what I was trying to point out is that if she really wants a measured view, then she is going to have to sift through the propoganda/bias on both sides to achieve a more measured understanding.

There are very few people on this site who talk about the joys of having kids*, and that’s for obvious reasons, but to someone who is on the fence it is dangerous to only take one point of view into account, only to discover ten years later that maybe for them, having a toddler say “mummy I love you” MIGHT have made it all worthwhile.

Does that make sense?

* It should be noted there seem to be very few people ANYWHERE who talk about the joys of having kids….but maybe I’m biased

There are people on here who don’t like children and that’s never been a secret. There are those who can tolerate them in small doses, and there are those who like like children but are childfree. There are many people who confuse being childfree with hating children… when clearly they are not the same thing at all.

I’m curious about the anti-child propaganda you say is on this site… if one happens not to personally like children and shares that here or elsewhere exactly how does that become “anti-child propaganda?”

There is serious pressure to breed as you’ve said and experienced. With the exception of Japan’s one child policy I’ve yet to see anything remotely like the same pressure to be childfree.

I think base it on the fact that they all said “I don’t want kids” and then changed their mind. Well what a surprise, I don’t want to live in a nursing home but I imagine when I’m 98 and incontinent I’ll change my mind too! None of them ever said “never” and so none of them are remotely qualified to comment, but they still do.

Luckily he respects me enough to know that I know my own mind and he didn’t listen to them. I’d have been so devastated if we’d married and then 5 years down the track he started asking whether I’d changed my mind yet.

Something else to consider: a child is not the answer to a midlife crisis. That’s what they invented red cars for

As for the propoganda, try to be aware that it comes from both sides. There is a lot of anti-child propoganda out there too, even on this site. I guess that whether you find yourself leaning one way or the other is generally the answer.

For me, in the end I thought to myself “if I am spending all this time on childfree blogs trying to decide if I am really childfree, and no time on parenting blogs because they don’t interest me at all, then I guess that answers my question.”

Good luck

I suspect that the answer, at the moment regarding asking myself how I would feel having a child around when I am sleeping in, watching good tv, enjoying the great outdoors etc is kind of annoyed at being disturbed!!!!! Maybe thats my answer. Any desire I have for a child is a recent one and prob only really started when I was forced to think about it when he told me he had had the snip – which he did as soon as we started seeing each other (he’s a very decent man).

There is SO MUCH PRESSURE TO BREED!!! – that doesn’t help either. Everyone assumes I will have kids and when I say not necessarily, they invariably say ‘ oh you’ll change your mind’ which I suspect any child free woman in her 30’s, 40’s gets and it is SOOOO patronising it makes me feel ill. That and a society entirely obscessed with celebrity pregnancies etc. And competitive mums – urgghhhh.

However, a year or so ago, he had told me having a kid ‘wasn’t totally out of the question’ and, if I am honest with myself, I felt relieved, Maybe thats why his recent honesty and decision that one teenager was enough hit me hard.

Its a bloody tough decision and I am so sorry you have had to go through splitting up with the man that you love over it. But its such a fundamental thing that a couple have to agree on – I applaud your bravery and honesty and hope you and your ex both find someone who makes you happy.

I need to have a good think and go in search of these other posts.

ha ha ha – partner swap – all very ’70’s

For him the choice was clear – he was never able to really open up to me because he knew from the start that I don’t want kids. Neither of us was ever going to be fulfilled, no matter how much we care for each other. We’re both very, very sad, but for us this is the right decision.

The things that helped us reach this decision are:
- While I might change my mind down the track, it’s HIGHLY unlikely and it isn’t fair to ask him to stick around for ten years just in case, when I really don’t see it happening.

- For him this desire has been a lifelong one, and is deeply felt.

- He was beginning to resent me and it was starting to manifest in his behaviour towards me. He knew he was saying things that hurt me but didn’t know how to deal with the conflict in his heart/mind.

- It is better to be alone than in a relationship that is deeply damaged by resentment.

- He deserves to have everything he wants in life, and I love him enough to give him anything except children, which means I love him enough to leave.

Those are all issues that were relevant to our relationship but there are other things that weren’t relevant to us, but might be to you, some of which you will see in comments on other posts on this blog. (Men and Kidults, Childfree Bob are 2 examples that spring to mind).

If I were to end up in your position (god forbid because the regret at walking away from this guy would kill me), then I would ask myself:

- how long have I felt this way?
- WHY do I feel this way?
- why did it change? Is it really something within me, or is it society and other external pressures?

A really good piece of advice I’ve come across is this: Every day, ask yourself at various points throughout the day, “How would what I am doing now be changed by the presence of a child?” Ask it when you’re sleeping in, making breakfast, showering, going to work, going to the beach, grocery shopping, watching tv, all throughout the day in normal situations…

In my relationship I could see that things were going to get worse – his resentment was starting to show and from there it would be a downward spiral. So whether or not you risk leaving to find someone is one thing – but also whether or not there is even a chance of your current relationship surviving either way is another.

Some women have commented that they felt a temporary bio clock that went away and never returned. Perhaps you could give it 6 months and see if the feelings remain…

It’s a very painful situation. I was only with my partner for just under a year and I am just so, so sad about this. I feel for you!