Comments on: Childfree no more – From Dudescape to Dadscape

By: Britgirl

Britgirl — Sat, 10 Jul 2010 20:36:19 +0000

There is nothing whatsoever wrong with you. People who have kids seem to believe that you are just waiting for them to have your own. Have fun telling them “Nah… I love our life already.” It drives some nuts

By: Cormac

Cormac — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 23:24:38 +0000

Just a comment to say “Phew, thank you, so there’s not something wrong with me”

Friends at work all have children, we’ve just gone through that period in our lives where all our friends have had their first child. the result of which I can only describe as a relentless passive-agressive “So when are you having children? When?? WHEN???”

Well actually it becomes quite blatant. Guaranteed after a bottle of wine or two at work dinners I’ll have a dozen people looking at me waiting with baited breath to say when I’m going to have kids. I’ve ran out of reasoning because in everybody else’s minds I can’t possibly be happy and my wife is obviously going to leave me.

I have perfected the non-committal smile.

Recently a friend of ours brought their daughter over for the day, lovely little thing but needed entertaining or something at one stage. I still smile at the question her mother asked me,

“You wouldn’t have any Harry Potter DVD’s would you??”

I’m in my early forties and we’ve known each other for years – I have no idea what possessed her to think I’ve been a closet fan of the wizard boy wonder all these years. I don’t have children so don’t pretend to understand. This is the same woman who always questions, and yet when she found out we were heading off to a nice quiet 5* hotel for a long weekend she looked a little tired and despairing when she said “Oh that sounds lovely, OH! I’d have to think of childcare…”

Very quiet Sunday mornings, listening to music while reading the papers together, weekends away when we want, deciding in a matter of minutes that we’ll head out for dinner and drinks. There’s nothing mad or crazy with enjoying that. I enjoy my career and I enjoy our life together. I did start to think maybe there is something wrong with that (I call that relentless brainwashing), but thank you for giving me back a little grip on my sanity.

By: Britgirl

Britgirl — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 05:36:11 +0000

And the sad thing is the women have planned it all along. I am sure that most men would rather pass… they want a soul mate and companionship and just as you say love and someone to talk to. Meanwhile the woman is working out just how much work she’ll have to do to get him to be a father. Not much it seems.

By: og217

og217 — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 13:50:06 +0000

I feel sorry for guys who marry women who want kids. They think they have a soulmate, a playmate, someone to talk and travel and have a love affair with (why else would they spend thousands of dollars on s romantic proposal that to men seems generally embarassing and cheesy?) And then a couple of years later they are stuck with some hollering banshee with a “mom haircut” whose breasts look like a spaniel’s ears and whose favorite topic is how outrageous the prices are at Baby Gap.

By: Kristen

Kristen — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 21:53:36 +0000

A while back, I saw comments here by people who referred to parents (clearly intending to be insulting) as “breeders,” among other things. Generally, reasonable people are reasonable – with or without kids. But there are just as many childfree who bash parents as there are parents who bash the childfree.

(Actually, there aren’t, because there are probably more people, statistically, who have children than those who choose not to. But you know what I mean. )

Kristen
(Childfree.)

By: Domino

Domino — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 08:58:37 +0000

I can understand the hostility towards parents, but like Britgirl I think it’s a reaction to constantly having your own life choices belittled by elements of that group. And it’s rarely universal. Even on the most vitriolic childfree sites you will find that people are delighted when they come across parents who respect other people’s choices and parent their children. It’s also my belief, and others may disagree, that some parents are extremely touchy. They come across a vent on some childfree site and automatically assume it’s directed at them, almost personally. Does the description fit? On a regular basis, not the one-off? No? Well then give it a pass, it’s not about you. But I’ve gone off-topic now.

By: Britgirl

Britgirl — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 04:46:20 +0000

@Sara – the smugness and judgemental attitude is infuriating and it can be extremely hard to take. But as Anne-Marie says, if you do encounter these attitudes you must ignore them and decide they are not going to affect you. The surer you become in your decision and what works for you the less “they” and their opinions will matter. The only thing that should matter to you is what works for you.

By: Britgirl

Britgirl — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 04:39:31 +0000

Thanks Sean – I do my best! That’s why we need the guys to post their stories, views and thoughts. It’s something I would really love to see much more of. So please share!

By: Britgirl

Britgirl — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 04:32:27 +0000

I think insecurity and the realization that having kids really is a choice can bring out hostility in some parents.
I can understand why some childfree people may sometimes be hostile to certain parents. They are told they are nothing if they are not a parent, that their very decision not to have children is unworthy of respect, that “they will change their minds” etc, etc. While I don’t think belittling anyone is the answer (and doesn’t do anyone any good) I think it can be a reaction to the way parenting and children are held up as the “de-facto” state of rightness. However I know most childfree people are not hostile to parents at all – and while I know there are some extremes – childfree commentators tend to be more balanced and less smug about their choice. I am yet to see a childfree person telling everyone else that they must be childfree or they are “lesser beings” or that they can’t imagine anyone not being childfree, yet I see parents pushing parenting at every opportunity they have, regardless. Not good.

By: Kristen

Kristen — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 00:05:11 +0000

I don’t understand why people with children are hostile toward those who don’t any more than I understand why childfree are hostile to parents. The best I can come up with is that those who are hostile are insecure about, or unhappy with, their decision. Otherwise, there is no reason to belittle. Belittling is done to make a person feel better, or superior – why do it unless you feel inferior?

By: Sean

Sean — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 00:59:52 +0000

LOL! No kidding on all your points, particularly #1. I finished high school in a small town in rural community in southern Indiana. Some of my relatives really exemplified the redneck stereotype – cousins with the truck/car on cinder blocks, the trailer that attracts tornadoes, the abundance of little fat kids running around. One cousin in particular, for a span of about five years, she was having children at about the same rate the state was removing her other children from her custody.

By: Sean

Sean — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 00:54:44 +0000

Eh, this being a blog more oriented towards the female point of being childfree, it doesn’t surprise me the (mostly) female readers of this blog don’t really understand the dynamic of male communication. That having been said, I think Britgirl does a fantastic job of representing both points of view.

By: Miss Fanny

Miss Fanny — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 13:30:49 +0000

My husband has always said that he’d do his share of the work if we had a kid. Sorry honey I don’t believe that… It won’t be just Tuesday night when he meets up with the lads! So I’ve never bought into that!

By: Hillari

Hillari — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 17:21:31 +0000

I was always impression that men will find a way to hang out together regardless. Society still puts the burden on women in regards to dealing with the kids. I never figured there was a gap between childfree men and dads. However, I can believe that for some childfree men that’s true, depending on the attitudes of the dads with whom they associate.

I don’t think that most childfree men are as subjected to the snide remarks and constant urging by childed men to be dads, as childfree women are from both moms and dads. I would think that a lot more dads wish they could be free of the ties they have that childfree men don’t have. But the dads don’t verbalize it that much.

By: Anne-Marie

Anne-Marie — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 23:41:20 +0000

Sara, although it’s hard, turning them off is a good step, since you will both be the ones dealing with the results of you decision, and no one else. I’m happy now to be 47, as the bingoes seem to have disappeared with my advancing age. Of course, in fairness, I started out thinking kids would be alright, then managed to become mentally childfree after realising I couldn’t get pregnant. Rather than going for all sorts of poking and prodding and treatments, we chose not to pursue it, or to go for adoption, which largely told us we really didn’t want them that badly in the end. In a sense, we seem to have avoid that whole smug thing, because everyone around us has silently just accepted that we can’t and don’t seem to question why adoption and the other treatment options were passed over. I guess it’s too uncomfortable, which suits me fine because it isn’t anyone’s business anyway.

By: Sara

Sara — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 22:45:44 +0000

My husband and I are 32 and 29, respectively. Neither of us have ever wanted children. Now that I’m almost 30, I’ve been re-evaluating just to make sure we’re making the right choice. It’s a real struggle for me because most people encourage us to have children, and even though a tiny part of me does want children, most of me does not.

It’s hard to deal with most parents’ opinion of the childfree. I find the smugness and judgmental nature of their opinions to be infuriating. I’m finding that I need a way to turn off the opinions of other people so that I can just listen to my own heart and make the decision for myself–and not be influenced by a world that thinks everyone should conform to one certain way of life. That being a life with children.

By: Lisa

Lisa — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 05:34:34 +0000

Thank you. Knowing that the decision is the right one helps a lot. We actually just spoke on the phone and had a really good chat, a few laughs; it helps to know he is thinking of me too.

We both said we’re looking forward to the time when we can be good friends, and who knows, maybe one day I’ll be able to babysit his kids and reflect on how much I DON’T regret this decision!

I’m proud of how we’ve handled this. Our honesty with each other was key to how well this has been dealt with, and I have so much respect for him. I could never have walked away from the relationship without him helping on the way, and it’s probably the same for him. I’m so glad we didn’t leave it too long and end up resenting each other.

It gets easier every day. I’m starting to see that I’m sure of my decision and he is sure of his, and we’ll both be ok.

By: Lee

Lee — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 03:45:22 +0000

You are way too kind, Lisa.

I’m sorry that you are going through a difficult time now. From what I’ve read here you have put a lot of thought into your decision and handled a very challenging situation with a clear head, not to mention kindness and integrity.

By: Sanne

Sanne — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 20:17:41 +0000

Their kids aren’t going to have time to find a cure for cancer, because moomie will be constantly pressuring them for grandchildren. Buy hey, maybe her great-grandchildren will find one? Or her great-great-grand…

Here’s a novel idea: how about you stop saddling your spawn with our generation’s problems, and try to fix them yourself!

By: Soldatka

Soldatka — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 19:12:30 +0000

I wonder if Jack the Ripper’s mother secretly hoped he would grow up to cure tuberculosis…

Anyhow, I agree with nerd. The people who complain the most about the CF are those who seem to be tied into the restrictive gender roles of man = go-getting provider, woman = trembling nymph and nurturer. It says a great deal about their narrowness of perspective. I’d rather be a provider than a nurturer, and if anyone has a problem with that, they can go back to their cave and sulk.