That’s just the way it is. You had a short window of opportunity, if you were ever good looking to begin with, to reel in a gorgeous, successful man in his prime. If you’re 20 years out of high school, you missed it some years back. So if you want kids, you have to quickly assess what is realistic for you. And just like the guy you settle for, guess what, he is also settling. He also never imagined he’d be with some middle aged woman with grey hairs and cellulite. But you want kids.

How great is it to be child free! Never have to settle. Marry when you meet the right person, not “before 30.” Yes, having unrealistic expectations is never going to work, so look in the mirror and see what you offer, then see if what you expect is reasonable. But without the deadline due to breeding requirements, we can develop ourselves into the best version of us that we can be, at any age. Then we can meet a person who cares for us and who we enjoy! How sad to rush around like a game of musical chairs to land a man before the bio mommy music stops. I am so glad I got married for the right reasons – to live and experience life with a person I love. How sad for people who don’t get that.

I would didn’t and would never settle… I think it does a disservice to both people.

I want to get married, my partner doesn’t really care either way. We’ve been together the better part of a decade… one year shy actually. We’ve lived together. We own a house together. We have a cat and a dog.

But everyone implies that you have to get married, well, except for our families.

Marriage is in the some day category and kids are some day after that. My niece just had a baby and that made me realize that I’m not ready for kids.

For now, I love my partner and we are completely happy with life as it is.

But not wanting men just to herd your kids. It’s treating them like absolute crap. Like women were treated until a century ago. Geez…. Look for a friend, not a sperm donor!

I got told only last week that I should hurry up and find myself a man before it’s too late for me. Apparently it becomes harder to find a partner the older you get but I’m not one to go and chase after something just because I “should” and not because I genuinely want it. Not wanting children does not mean I need to settle fast and pop a few whilst I’m still young.

I love this paragraph and totally agree.

So far all of my relationships have ended but none have been a failure – they have all contributed hugely to my life and personality. I remain friends with all of my exes (excepting those 2-3 week flings that don’t really count) and in fact most of my closest friends are ex boyfriends. They’re lovely guys – that’s why I dated them! They just weren’t right for me *beyond a certain period of time*.

My last relationship still makes me smile when I think of it and to me that’s a big success!

I think it’s part of our general fear of death – whether it be death in the literal sense, or simply death in the sense of things ending and new things beginning. Why we are so afraid of something that is such an important ingredient of life is beyond me. It’s like being afraid of darkness – yet imagine if there was no light: we’d never sleep and we’d all die of skin cancer!

In short, I’m happy to spend some time alone, while also looking forward to the next “one”, knowing full well that he is only really one OF the ones.

But I don’t think this article deserves the hostility it’s getting. It’s simply not directed at the Childfree.

Sure, there are the odd presumptions like, “And all I can say is, if you say you’re not worried, either you’re in denial or you’re lying.” But even that isn’t so ridiculous.

I’m a 38 year old childfree male. Finally got a vasectomy last year as a single guy, and though I am confident it was the right choice, sure I worry. A good friend told me something before I got it done. “Yeah, you will regret it from time to time,” she said, “don’t let that freak you out. Don’t panic. It doesn’t mean it was the wrong choice.” I arrived at my childfree status slowly over the course of my 20s and early 30s, and many hard knocks contributed to my developing assurance of my feelings. I’ve let more than a couple of good relationships go over the kids issue, and I sometimes find that sad. Some of my friends have pretty cool kids and there’s always that romantic idea of the bustling family filling your life blocking out the loneliness. Then I remember, “waitaminnit! I hate bustle. I can’t stand endless demands on my time, I like solitude and slack time and quiet and even loneliness, whose best cure really is a hobby and not other people anyway.”

People need to have a realistic and tempered idea of what marriage and kids really is before they can hope to develop a solid opinion about whether it is for them or not. Among my friends who have children, which is most of them now, I am very much impressed by those who are willing to give it to you straight and tell you how tough it is, sometimes how if they had it to do over again, they would have made different choices. Those who aren’t afraid to reduce it to “running a boring non-profit.” My own father told me he would not have had kids. I think it’s a very different thing than saying he regrets it. And I do believe her advice is good for any kids that actually do result. Kids don’t care about the passion of their parents, they want a stable home life and no custody battles.

Whatever Ms. Gottlieb is guilty of, it is a far less serious offense than those of her poor deluded audience who have swallowed the fairytale bullshit of Mr. Right and Mr. Right’s oh so right sperm.

I actually believe the childfree have a different opportunity, which they are ignoring with their own romantic ideals of Mr./Miss Right. Specifically, let’s ask why is every relationship that ends considered a failure? Those who do not have the need to prepare a permanent nest to raise hatchlings in are still tied to the idea that the next love must be the last love. That no more may ever come. That you must sever contact with your exes in your rampant search for Your One instead of being comforted by your own journey and the people who move through it. It’s a poor way of looking at the world. I don’t think killing the Mr./Miss Right ideal means you must love less fully.

Getting a Mr. Good Enough is not only a poor antidote to solve loneliness, but it is also a conforming to others’ ideas of social standards. I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of women got married to fit in and supposedly be acceptable. Then the women are miserable by the sub-standard husband and annoying kids that may follow. It’s better to be alone than miserable.

As was mentioned before, she must believe that any man she would settle for would be grateful to have her so would go along with her little scheme. This helps to explain why she’s alone–she doesn’t understand men very well at all. Her idea of an ideal couple is Will and Grace–need I say more?

And in her infinite wisdom, she fails to realize that in recommending that women settle so that they can set up a family infrastructure–children can sense when one parent does not respect the other because the disrespected parent projects that they are UNHAPPY. Duh! What does she think that the poor slob will be ecstatic with a peck on the cheek from her after he unclogs her drain (so to speak)? Great lesson to teach your kids about relationships–”it’s okay to use somebody to get your needs met honey, that’s why I married your father–you know that guy who pays all our bills and serves as our doormat.”

Can we expect her next book to cover the topic of higher divorce rates amongst those who settle? Gross, gross, GROSS! Send this title to the remainder shelf, please!

“My advice is this: Settle! That’s right. Don’t worry about passion or intense connection. Don’t nix a guy based on his annoying habit of yelling “Bravo!” in movie theaters. Overlook his halitosis or abysmal sense of aesthetics. Because if you want to have the infrastructure in place to have a family, settling is the way to go. Based on my observations, in fact, settling will probably make you happier in the long run, since many of those who marry with great expectations become more disillusioned with each passing year.”

Is this a speech from HELL?? This is exactly WHY I got my vasectomy!!…

I’ve been married, and right now I’m happy being single. I walked away from the cheating husband, and then from the boyfriend who caught baby rabies, and recently from the guy who thought I should be his long distance bit on the side without his girlfriend knowing. I’m holding out for that special person who will adore me as much as I adore him. I do have a few requirements (and let’s be honest, we all have at least a few) – but some of the ‘lists’ these women have are retarded. I had a friend like that, who turned down every decent guy she met because there was something that didn’t meet her mile-long list of attributes. Thankfully, she grew up and wised up and is now happily married. See, it’s not that hard!

I absolutely agree that self worth and happiness comes from within, and nothing external can fill the void. I don’t believe you should settle in anything. Live your life for you. Do the things that inspire you. Hang with people you love whether they be family or not. Chase your dreams. If you meet someone to share that with, that’s awesome. if kids are part of your dreams, that’s awesome too. But this shallow life script stuff – ugh. I hope ‘it’s all worth it’.

I agree with many of the above critiques. And in particular, I feel she portrays men as a means to an end. Many of my single male friends are concerned that we are desired strictly for the sperm and the wallet. This book will add much fuel to that fire.

Thanks Brit Girl for this valuable site and bringing this wonderful group together!