Childfree people can feel some vindication. Whenever we dare to mention that having kids doesn’t necessarily make you happy, we’re usually met with the response that we can’t actually know happiness until we’ve given birth to kids, preferably a few. It’s interesting that two people sent me this link (thank you both) so it made my decision to blog it quite easy.
As childfree men and women we could, for example, have told Lucy Cavendish that children don’t make you happy. And that happiness comes from within you, rather than some external source. But being childfree we’d have been told we can’t possibly know what we’re talking about. Of course children make you happy. Don’t they?
I love my kids but I admit I am happier on my own
Reading the article, Lucy Cavendish discovers a lot of things make her happy… and all of them make her happy because they don’t involve her kids. As she says:
“I like these things precisely because they don’t feature my children. So I am not at all surprised that a new book – Bluebird: Women And The New Psychology of Happiness by American writer Ariel Gore – has revealed precisely this fact about most mothers. When she asked most mothers what made them happy, their autopilot response was: ‘My children.’ “
Come to think of it, we could have told Ariel Gore that as well. To me, there is nothing surprising there… or am I alone in thinking this?
Women are pressured into having children. Many don’t bother thinking about the implications of that, including the fact that for the most part they WILL be tied, for several years, to the task of raising them and a lot of it will be a total drudge. There will be no time for them to stop and smell the flowers and no time to visit the little coffee shop and read a book. However everyone gets pressure and not everyone gives into societal pressure to have kids. If you’re childfree you’ve probably withstood the pressure – only to be criticised by several of the same women who have kids, know they’ve probably been sold a bill of goods as to how wonderful parenting is and seem to want above all else to get you to join them in having kids.
It’s interesting to read the article… and the comments.
One commentator says that Lucy must not really love her kids because she embraced the freedom from them (albeit for a short while) a little too quickly. I can’t quite see the leap myself. That comment does show that even when a taboo subject is mentioned and people largely agree there are still some who will deduce something entirely different. I think you can still love your kids but want a break for them. I also think if a parent didn’t love their kids they would rarely admit it. The shunning would be too great to come out with that.
Young women are told that they are incomplete if they don’t have kids. I have never bought into that particular lie. So I have little sympathy for women who do buy into it, try and convince everyone else of it and then feel guilty to find it isn’t true.
What do you think?
I love my kids but I admit I am happier on my own
Thanks to the readers who sent me the link!
{ 43 comments… read them below or add one }
I have a friend who never gets time away from her kids. She yells at them all the time and it’s very uncomfortable being around her when she’s with them. I wonder why she had three kids if all she does is tell them all the time that they are being a pain.
Looking at all the mothers I encounter at the supermarket (for instance) it seems to me that motherhood is just one long screaming match! This reinforces most decisively to me that I STILL never want to buy in.
Apologies in advance for length!
I know a woman who has four children aged five and under, and she’s trying to get pregnant again. She believes in the Quiverful movement (seriously scary thing if you’ve never come across it before) and will not stop having kids until her body won’t do it anymore, or as she says at “God’s will”. I knew her many years ago before she had any when she was just a newlywed and all she wanted to do was finish her vocational degree and work by helping people. Something in her changed and she’s become obsessed with having kids. Her family think she’s a bit crazy because she openly admits that she can’t cope with the children she has, yet goes on about getting pregnant again. She’s forever going on about how unhappy she is, how difficult it is to be at home, how messy her home is, how badly behaved her children are, how she can’t cope with all of the noise and work that it requires. She often says she just wants silence, and time to herself but can’t get it.
You might think that at least one or two of those kids are now of school age – sure they are, but are they going to school? No, she’s decided to homeschool them all. She says the thought of them going out of the house everyday is horrible and scary. So it makes her unhappy to be at home all day with four screaming kids and possibly being pregnant again, but she won’t give herself (and perhaps more importantly her older kids) a break by sending some of them off to school. I despair for how these kids will cope when they start to leave home to take on the big wide world in ten to fifteen years time. But I also despair for what’s going to happen to her? If she’s so unhappy that she has to have her husband take days off every month because she can’t cope with four kids, what is it doing to her mind? And, as she goes on and on about being desperate for more babies, what’s going to happen when the older ones start leaving home? I can’t imagine she’ll be happy because despite all the unhappiness they cause for her, she’s so obsessed about them that it will be worse when they leave.
The mixed signals that she gives off worry me even more. In one breath she’ll go on about how badly behaved they are, how she hits them, screams at them, they scream back and destroy things and push her to the point of tears. Yet half an hour later she’s waxing lyrical about how wonderful they are, how beautiful, how happy she is to have them, how she wouldn’t change a single thing. How can you live with such conflicted feelings all of the time? I swear, it’s going to break her sooner or later.
If there’s a woman who is truly desperate for time away from her family, then she’s it, but try suggesting that to her and you’re treated like you’re the devil, because she couldn’t possibly be happy, even for a few hours, without her kids.
This woman sounds like she is dealing with a much larger issue of some kind of mental imbalance. That’s not to say that the only people who should have kids are the well-adjusted (because that would leave just about everyone out) but certainly if you are kind ofunsteady the cure is NOT to continuing giving birth. Whoa.
When I’m faced with meeting new people, one of the ice breaker questions I use is “What do you do for fun?” (It’s way more interesting that finding out what someone does for a living and leads to a more interesting conversation.) What I’ve noticed is that many people with children are befuddled by this question. “Oh, I have kids so I don’t really have time to do anything.” (As an added bonus, you rarely get hit back with the “you should really have children” after they give this answer.) I’m always astounded that the answer isn’t something like, “spending time with my children, reading together, playing board games, etc.” Don’t get me wrong, people with children sometimes have great answers to this question, and find ways to pursue their interests. It is very rare indeed that the answer is “my kids are a source of fun.”
WOW what a great opener to meeting people!!!! I usually ask people what they ‘do’ but now I’m going to ask them what they do for fun. Very very clever…especially if they say something like “I have kids, no time for fun” then I won’t get the barrage of questions about my childfree status…
I like that idea too. In fact it may even get people thinking outside the kid box for once. On the other hand it may open up the floodgates to “oh I love to play with my kids… Blah blah”
I have a friend who is constantly moaning about how tired, stressed out and frustrated she is trying to raise her newborn…but then she suddenly catches herself, the guilt sets in and she has to add “Oh, but it’s so incredibly rewarding, blah, blah, blah.” She’s constantly arguing with her husband, yet they’re already planning to have the next one! They’ve been completely brainwashed into thinking that having 2.5 kids is the ideal – even though it’s killing their marriage and overall happiness.
She is constantly asking me what it is that I do with all my free time (since I don’t have children), in a very condescending tone. It’s like she’s so wrapped up in the baby that she can’t even remember that there are a million other things people do in their free time that don’t involve changing dirty diapers.
It’s great to see mothers, like Lucy Cavendish, speaking so openly and honestly about the reality of having children. But it’s unfortunate that she will no doubt be branded as an ‘unloving mother’ by the rest of the mommy-herd, who are too scared to admit that they feel exactly the same.
Last week, I met a friend for coffee. She’s in a new relationship with a man who fits her perfectly in so many ways. But she has three teenagers, and for three hours, I listened as she listed every maddening thing her kids were doing lately. And although it was boring to listen to, she’s not a whiny person and is pretty tough, but her kids are ruining her quality of life. They take every spare dollar and every spare hour, and in exchange, they bring her to tears. Tears. And they’re just garden-variety narcissistic, selfish teens, not terrors. I’ve met them. They aren’t awful.
That goes far beyond the drudgery of socks and suppers, to me. No matter any parent’s effort, they can’t truly create the child of their dreams. If they’re lucky enough to have a child whose temperament, interests, intellect, and food allergy aligns with their own, well, that’s wonderful. You know what you’re getting, for the most part, when you choose an adult partner and make a family with that person. With a child, really, it’s a gamble. And when things don’t align, that’s misery not just for the parent, but the child as well.
I couldn’t bring myself to interrupt my friend’s litany with my vacation plans, the strides I’ve made on my work in progress, and the upgrades we’re planning for the house this year.
By the way, I love that when I visited the article, the ads were for the NuvaRing.
I shudder to think of what I put my parents through as a teenager and young college age woman. They must have been half-bonkers most of the time and I was the GOOD child. My brother (the black sheep) was into driving too fast, drinking and drugs and got arrested a couple of times. So yeah, it must have been great fun for them.
Now that I am 41 (the age my mother was when I was 17) I feel terrible about the way I behaved. I do everything I possibly can to make it up to them. My brother unfortunately is still the black sheep and that is much more difficult for my aging parents (65 & 69) to deal with now.
I feel for this poor woman. She has no life and honestly may never. My mother STILL doesn’t and my brother has been out of the house for 22 years.
From personal experience, I don’t know any mothers who find their roles especially fulfilling or enjoyable. They look bored and stressed. For all the talk of just needing some time away from the kids, I think the real problem is having children. After all, if you claimed you loved your spouse to pieces, but were only happy when they weren’t around, it would seem to question your assertion, wouldn’t it? I’m not sure why the childed find us so surprising. What is it exactly about being a mother that’s so wonderful?
They exist- they’re rare, but they exist. Most of my friends who are parents are of this ilk (I’m a bit too “hardcore childfree” with my easy-going outlook of “kids aren’t for me *shrug*” for those who don’t enjoy their children)
These mothers are the ones who fully understood and supported my position and decision not to have children (they weren’t mothers when I met them) and now that they have children, they also understand and embrace the knowledge that just because they have children does not mean the children need to be or should be the only major focus in their lives. In fact, the friend who was the most vocal about wanting to be a mother is also the most vocal about disliking mothers who don’t retain interests and activities away from their children. She adores her daughter and is so incredibly proud of her and boasts about her a good deal for good reason, but she is still very talkative about the interests she had when I met her, still very focused on her own hobbies, and so forth.
The moms that are the happiest in their roles as mothers are the ones who have put effort into making sure their identity did not disappear into merely “Somebody’s Mommy”, and that they still make ‘me’ time and keep active to some degree in things they enjoyed before becoming a mother. To me, that’s healthier for the child too- as the child grows, the mother has activities, interests, and hobbies she can share with her child and something they can do together as the years go by.
Kuchenhexe – you’re not German by any chance, are you? I’m asking because of your German nickname, and it would be great to find another childfree German round here…
I’m half German but was raised strictly by my German relatives -and I’m childfree and happy! There are a few of us out there, I guess
This is why I’m afraid of giving in and having children…it sure seems like moms are super stressed out and unhappy! Why create a being just so I can yell at it constantly?
It’s good to hear a mother admit that while she loves her children, they aren’t what make her most happy in life.
As a child of my parents, I don’t want to think that they are happier without me and my siblings. Yeah, we can be a pain in the ass, but I’m confident that with their unconditional love for us, they are still happier that they were blessed by three children. But I totally respect the opinion of other people about this. Raising a child is not really easy. It should really be a planned thing.
I find children to be more stressful than a “fountain of happiness”, and still I resent most when I hear that without children you are incomplete (??!!). How come? I don’t need children to feel neither complete nor happy, I am fine the way I am. Why society (including friends and family) can’t accept this?
I can find happiness in many things, but not in the idea of having children. Does this make me a bad person? I really don’t think so, maybe I am just different, but definitely not worse or less happy than my friends who have children. If I don’t judge, why society needs to judge me?
My mother never wanted children, and only had the four of us because she felt that she was supposed to do so. I never once heard her say it was a joy to be a parent and that it “was worth it”. My father didn’t like kids much, but apparently loathed wearing condoms (and he had two kids before he married Ma). I’m glad that I was exposed to the underside of parenting early on. I’ve never had a rosy view of it.
I can find enjoyment in hanging around certain kids for short periods of time. But to be trapped for 21 years? Nope. People who are stuck on “kids are everything” cannot wrap their heads around the fact that happiness doesn’t always depend on other human beings.
Interesting how we many times talk about us and them. As if parents transformed into “something else” but the CF among us continued at the level of an ape. A parent has no more inner strength or qualities than non-parents, they just imagine so. Behind the mask a parent has many of the same longings as before they had kids. So when I hear parents complain I am not surprised at all.
Yet another cautionary tale, reinforcing my own observations that being a mom is the most stressful, exhausting, thankless job a woman can sign up for. No thanks.
This may not be the time or the place, but on the other hand I thought that some of you may appreciate this link:
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/autistic_child_ruins_marriage_he
well, it pretty much summed things up for me anyway!
Though this was meant to be satire, I’m pretty sure the negative sentiments expressed by the parents are very close to reality for people who have kids to save or enhance their relationship and even those who didn’t. “I didn’t know, it’s so much work, he/she doesn’t help out enough, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.”
I reported a while back about a couple who had a third child to save their marriage. Status update = filed for divorce. Shocking!
It’s always the time and place for funny. Thanks, I plan to disseminate.
Well I think that was very funny and very true.
Some people have no insight into themselves and cant consider these things before having a child.
this link not so funny…just pathetic.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1257014/Twins-54-mother-didnt-think-enough.html
You are correct, that really is pathetic. And really, if she is “addicted” to children (which she isn’t, she is addicted, if anything, to babies) then why not adopt? they arent even biologically hers anyway. they are from donor eggs. So why bring yet more life into this overpopulated world, through her own selfishness.
If people are genuinly “addicted” to having babies, why aren’t they treated for the addiction, like drug users would be? Maybe they are addicted to the hormone mix, then for crying out loud sterilise them and wean them off their addiciton. It annoys me when people say they “just love having children” or whatever – if they did they would do their utmost to look after the ones they had rather than just popping more and more out and neglecting the needs of the ones they already have.
ARGH!! Thanks daily hate mail for raising my blood pressure.
Whenever someone waxes lyrical about the joys of parenting while sporting dark, puffy circles under their eyes my husband always makes the same comment to me afterward. “If it is great as they say, shouldn’t it be obvious? Why the need for the infomercial?”
There is no relationship between the number of people pursuing a life choice and it’s inherent value. While it may be the “norm” or “normal” to have children that simply means more people do it than not–doesn’t speak to the inherent value or correctness of the experience–at all. At the end of the day, I ask myself how much I would like to measure myself against the average. Hmmm–not too much.
Interesting that the woman in the article had the courage to speak out while posing with her four children.
with all the problems the environment is encountering precisely because there are SO MANY humans using up the resources of the planet… i can’t understand why women who choose NOT to contribute to these problems by remaining childfree aren’t more revered. chooseing not to breed is the most responsible thing a woman can do if she gives a hoot about the Earth and other species who are being extinguished because there are too many humans.
This confuses me too. I can only assume that it comes down to a patriarchal society that wants women in their place. I can’t back this up, but this is the feeling I get. Children tie women down to such an extent that often, they don’t get to do much else with their lives besides childrearing for a good while. By the time the children are older and leave the house, even if the parents don’t continue to pay for them, the women are older too, hesitant about making drastic changes and on top of that, have been conditioned to function rather than live. Nobody seems to be doing much to snap them out of it. It’s convenient. Although this is a less-than-ideal scenario, it seems to be the norm. (This goes for men too, but it seems to me that although they often have to be the sole or main breadwinner, they generally tend to get more me-time.) Controlling women will, for a good part of society, be a less abstract desire than saving the planet. It’s also something many people benefit from in the here and now, not something that may come to bear a few generations down the road.
I also think there’s a problem in worshipping the economy and demanding more children to feed into the system later. The economy serves society, not vice versa. When demographics change so much that the economic system goes under, then in my opinion the economic system needs to change. Not demographics. But again, this poses a more abstract problem to many people than simply making more babies does.
If I happened to knock someone up and had to take on the role of a parent, I would for sure manage and still live a quite happy life. I can without hesitation say that I like children, but cant speak by my own experience when it comes to be around them for a longer period of time.
If you ask me wether I am happy to be CF and if I feel for the moment that this is the right thing for me to do, then my well thought over and honest answer will be:”YES”!! Do I miss the opportunity to take part in child-oriented activities; seldom!
The most negative influence on my life because I do not have kids are two things. One is that I find chemistry with interesting people who are parents, but I understand I would have to work hard for common ground and therefore a friendship probably would not be easy(?). Second, and more important, is that I don`t go public with my CF-choice. This troubles me since I don`t feel sincere to myself when I need to pretend a fake attitude towards having my own children. Should a person really go around with feelings of guilt for no reason? Lately I have considered to just take the consequences and become more public, I imagine it wont be so difficult as I worry.
We often hear that CF are expected to look back in life and see all that they lost due to no kids. I am sure plenty of parents look back and think of all the opportunities lost because they had kids. Overall it seem like a better chance to be happier without kids.
From the start of the post I suspect you’re a male. I do think being childfree is more accepted for the male, even though not fully so, especially if you have a rare “family name to carry on”. However, I think how difficult being publicly childfree is, is very much dependent on how well you deal with pressure in general. I personally have hardly noticed social pressure for it, and if someone has expressed negative views about being childless by choice, I kind of think they’re being out of line, not even considering I might be doing something wrong. So I don’t think being CF is that difficult as it is, it’s simply a question of how well you can deal with it yourself.
When I was reading that post you linked to, the thought on the top of my thoughts was: “How was she surprised about this?!” and reading through some of the comments, there was one that mentioned that nobody told her how much more work it was to have children, and how in the modern world the girls are not taught how much work it is, as they don’t have to take care of younger siblings and so… And I wonder how stupid do you have to be to not get it without experiencing it? You only have to look at other people doing it and see that it’s NOT EASY and it’s certainly not FUN. It’s fulfilling only if you’re damned good at managing everything and enjoying managing everything and being in control of things. If you have a lazy bone in your body parenting is not going to be enjoyable. If you like quiet and calm, parenting is not very likely going to be enjoyable. I find it absolutely mind boggling how anyone would find this surprising after they have children.
Ah, but they all shut their eyes and ears and think it’s going to be different for them! It was very easy for me to see that parenting is not an easy road… all I did was observe enough parents. I think once they have kids, instead of whining about how hard it is (and writing articles about how nice it is to be free of their kids for extended amounts of time) they should just smile and get on with it – no complaints.
@Lurker,
I only talk about being childfree when it’s “necessary.” Unlike parents who tend to talk about their kids at the first opportunity, I think it is very different with the childfree. Personally there are very few reasons children really “need” to come up at all – but parents seem to manage to bring the fact that they have kids into most conversations. In a way I can understand that… as everyone does it and it’s a conversation builder for them.
But at the same time. It’s not easy to pipe up and say by way of announcement that “I’m childfree” unless I am trying to make a point. I have to say though that when the opportunity comes up I don’t hide it. I have a male colleague who has just had a baby, his first. I like him and asked about his baby when she was born a few weeks ago. But now all he does is talk about his baby and though I get why, I am simply not interested. Everyone’s expected to ask “how’s the baby?” but unless you want listen to tales of sleepless nights you’re best off not asking anything.
If the opportunity to say you are childfree (or you’ve chosen not to have children) comes up then do what feels right to you. I would suggest being honest though… you do not need anyone’s approval… and you certainly shouldn’t be carrying around guilt.
Choosing not to have kids is probably never going to be a popular choice but it’s your choice and as long as you are comfortable with it, others will have to accept it. If they don’t, it’s not your problem. But they are more likely to do so if they know you are at ease with your choice. Really their opinions don’t matter, what matters is how secure you feel.
I would be a good mother, I think, but I would also be a resentful mother. (Which is NOT a good mother. Hm.) I enjoy my alone time. I enjoy my freedom.
I’m quite happy without children. Whether I am “happier” is hard to say as I haven’t experienced the alternative, but I don’t WANT to experience the alternative.
Just found your blog and I think it’s great.
No kids on my end, but I haven’t been really happy about that for a few years – until recently. About 10 months ago, I posted here as a man who thought he was child-free, then realized he wasn’t. I got all sanctimonious about having kids because my wife and I were struggling to conceive but we knew we probably couldn’t because of her age. Here it is nearly a year later, and we still don’t have a kid. And you know what? I’m glad. I am grateful for the life I have and don’t think having a kid is going to make it any better. I feel sorry for my wife, because she wants to have a child and I know being a mother would make her happy. I think it’s too bad we can’t both have what we want, but from my perspective, I think it’s best nothing happens. I brainwashed myself last year to want this for her sake, but it didn’t really take. I had to whip myself into mental frenzy to get excited about being a parent but couldn’t sustain it over time. This tells me I really am not cut out to be a parent. I suspect a lot of men feel this way, but won’t actually admit it. Most of them don’t get a do-over, but I bet a lot of them would take it once the enormity of being a parent sinks in. I think babies are beautiful and kids can be fun, but I don’t really want to be around them. I don’t want to deal with all the associated headaches of parenthood for 21+ years. Seems like an awfully big sacrifice for not much reward.
This issue has created a lot of internal conflict in me, which affected my behavior and created some tension in my marriage, though it hasn’t been anything too serious. Every month when it was time to try for a kid, I would dread it because of the pressure I put myself under. Part of me wanted her to get pregnant. If she could have a kid, I would be doing my part as a husband to help her have her dream and all the hand-wringing and stressing over whether we were too late would be over. The other side of me knew I didn’t want to be a dad and was scared we might actually succeed in conceiving. Luckily for me, the doctors were apparently correct when they said we have virtually no chance because we haven’t had even so much as a false alarm. There is still a tiny possibility she could have a kid despite the low odds, but we’ve been trying for nearly two years and nothing has happened, to my relief. If it does happen, it’ll be quite a miracle and I’ll be the best dad I can be. I’ll have no choice and it’s only right for the innocent human that I had a part in creating. Life will be so much easier and more enjoyable, though, if it doesn’t happen. I’m lucky my wife is the kind of naturally upbeat person who seems to take things in stride no matter what and doesn’t let my worry and moods keep her from being happy. It’s why I love her so much. She’s not over in a corner weeping about being childless – and I’m glad about that. We’ll have a good life no matter what, but I’m convinced we’ll have a better life if it’s just the two of us.
I LOVE the idea of asking people what they do for fun, and I am pretty sure no one of any interest to me would then talk about their kids drool or crayons. I also find it strange that the two statements – “I love my kids and they are the best thing in my life” and “Things I enjoy are wine, skiing, books, travel, my spouse, etc., etc.” come out of people’s mouths all the time and they see nothing off about the fact that they are basically contradictory.
What I dread are the women that actually know they´ve made the wrong choice by having children, try to talk you into it so that you share their misery!!!! They see more exhaustion, boredom and lack of time and money than they envisioned, so when they listen to themselves talking, they start feeling guilty and going LYRICAL. “It´s soooo worth it” Their feeling guilty is bad enough, but when you point out the reasons why you´re childfree, they go ballistic at you…even saying things such as “Why are you so selfish?” (Seriously!) Make no mistake, they then try to convince you to do what they unconsciously (and maybe consciously, but won´t admit) know it´s a mistake, some of them just resent you because they realize you won´t buy the crap!!!
Maria–You are so right! I know a woman who complained to me mightily during the multiple rounds of IVF that she suffered through. She was sick from the hormone injections and had spent two miserable years of her life trying to conceive. Towards the end of the second year, she admitted that she was tired of the whole endeavor and said that she was only going through with it because her husband wanted a “partially genetic” child so badly. The IVF failed (shocking) and they ended up adopting–also her husband’s idea. Every time I talked to her after they brought the child home it was if she had been body snatched. The previously happy, free spirit that I knew had been replaced with a sanctimonious, yet angry drone. I was the same person she had been friends with for years, yet suddenly everything about my childfree lifestyle irked her–to the point where I could barely tolerate our conversations. Any mention of a fun, childfree activity was viewed as irresponsible and immature. She clearly perceived herself as the only adult in the friendship, as proven by all her time spent working and caring for her child. Then the not subtle comments started about why we didn’t adopt a child. Um, because we DON”T WANT TO! It was very clear to me that she thought I dodged a bullet and she was angry that I didn’t fall in line to procreate just because I was born with the ability. The aspect that amuses me is that some people don’t realize that they can’t make you feel badly or inferior about not doing something you never wanted to do. They are obviously unhappy talking to an obviously happy person, yet they feel their apparent anger is going to win you over. Good luck with that.
Don’t know if this has been posted here. This cracks me up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJRzBpFjJS8
I think the major mistake behind these ideas is that you are talking about “happiness” as if it were the ultimate goal in life – the highest achievement or attainment anyone can reach.
“Happiness” is a word that comes from the root word “Happening” and can alter depending on what is “happening” in your life. If your marriage is going well, if you have the job of your dreams, if you drive a nice car, if you live in a nice home in a nice neighborhood, if you’re getting along with your sister, if you’re doing things you enjoy… all of these things contribute to “happiness.” It only takes one or two things to NOT go your way before you are “unhappy”. If suddenly your marriage starts to unravel or a loved one dies you feel very quickly that feeling of “unhappiness.”
But MY point is, that HAPPINESS is not the point of life. Were some people “happier” before they had kids? Probably… probably most. Raising children is a daunting task but it’s also a very rewarding one.
What I particularly can’t stand is how childfree people seem to think they’d be ruining their lives by having children. For those people I say “It’s a good thing you’re childfree… because if you’re THAT selfish, you would NOT make a good parent.”
Saying that you’re happier without children when you don’t have any to speak of is like saying you’re happier without chocolate without ever having tasted it.
Parenthood is about sacrifice, it’s also about looking at life from a different perspective than your own, it’s about responsibility and seeing things from a child’s eyes.
Before I had kids I was definitely happy and I felt no outside force pressuring me to have kids. Sure my inlaws and parents wanted grandkids but we were still young so no one was at us all the time about when we were going to start reproducing.
So yes, I was happy, my husband was happy, we were both very blissed out and “happy” because our lives were going well. But that happiness compared to the happiness I felt after having my first child is like holding up a black and white photograh next to a full color one. The contrast is amazing. No, I don’t count on my children for my happiness – if I did, I’d be in big trouble because kids are not in the business solely to make their parents happy.
There are things my children have taught me that I could never learn anywhere else. They’ve taught me to be patient, to protect what I have, they taught me what *true* unconditional love is and you can not know that love unless you have a child of your own, or have adopted one. There’s no simpler way to say it. Unless you have children there is a part of your humanity, a part of your heart that will stay locked – an amazing, overpowering, transcending part full of unconditional love, awe, and pure joy.
The fact of the matter is that “happiness” isn’t something that I really strive to attain seeing how it can be changed so easily. My true joy does come from within myself, from my God, my Faith, my beliefs ~ but my children DO enhance that joy and they DO make me happy just for the simple fact that they are in my life. The amazing things they do, the laughter they bring to my days. Sure there are stressful days – what is sunshine without the rain? But I can tell you one thing… there is NO WAY that them being here could EVER be classified as “ruining my life.” Hahaha, I just laugh at the sheer idiocy of that phrase.
So maybe the ultimate goal in one’s life shouldn’t be “happiness” and you don’t quite get that until you sit down and watch a 2 and a half year old diligently trying to put together a 24 piece jigsaw puzzle and succeeding – the pride of hard work shown in a 2 year old’s face. Maybe our goal in life should be embracing the fact that regardless of whether we have children or we are childfree – we as people have a LOT to learn about a LOT of things. “Happiness” is not my ultimate goal, growing is – because if you’re not growing you’re dying. Life has so many lessons to teach us and for me, having children has already taught me a lot of new lessons; from servitude to patience, responsibility to pride, sacrifice to nurturing, and the list goes on and on. My children have also taught me that sometimes the most important thing you can do in a day is to go outside and pick flowers or to lay in your bed and tell made up stories.
These are the things that make having children so wonderful.
I feel sorry for you that you feel like you’re in some sort of battle against society. I’m not defending overly rude people who get all in your business and ask why you’re not having kids and try to sell you on the idea. I just feel for you that you’ve taken the defense about this for so long that you’ve completely shut the idea out all together and you’re missing one of the greatest parts of life. There IS a reason so many people go on and on about having kids you know? Sometimes you just can’t help but share that awe-inspiring joy with others.
So Dee, let me get this right. You (clearly ignoring the blog rules) waltz in and proceed to tell us how awe – inspiring having children is, how some part of our humanity is forever unreachable because of course we NEED to have kids to unlock it, how because YOUR kids aren’t ruining your life, anyone who thinks kids could possibly ruin their lives is barmy ( even though it’s their life and they should know), how we need to understand what happiness really is (because until you came along we didn’t know) … oh. and of course we’ll NEVER get happiness til we’ve watched some 2 year old doing a jig-saw. Oh, wait, let’s not forget the selfish thing too.
You feel sorry for us? Save it… pretty sure we don’t need it. In the meantime, read the post, read the responses, read the blog rules and hey maybe even read a couple of other posts. Much better than denigrating people you clearly have no clue about (but think you do).
I have a beautiful daughter and she is the most precious thing in my life. I want to do my best to raise her right and be the best mother I can be. However, Motherhood is not always fun and enjoyable. I probably enjoy 30% of it and hate the rest. it is exhausting , frustrating and you NEVER get a break even when she is not with me I think of her. That’s why I m done with having kids. I love my girl I wouldn’t change having her but no more for me. I just don’t understand why people have a second and a third and a fourth when they are already struggling with the one they have. They are living in denial I guess!