My childfree blogging mojo has gone AWOL of late. So I will be on my as and when blogging schedule… where I blog when I’ve something to say.
Reading all the comments has been great though. A couple of them gave me the idea for this article. In particular the ones that mentioned sometimes feeling envious of parents. I found that interesting.
It could be because people with children are automatically accepted into society while childfree people still seem to have to justify their reasons for existence. Or, as one commentator said, it could be because some people just seem to take to parenthood.
In a society that’s fixated on having kids it can be very hard not to feel the odd person out and the one that doesn’t “fit.” It’s one of the reasons that being childfree isn’t for the faint-hearted. If societal acceptance is high on your list then being childfree is going to be one uphill battle. Unfortunately there is little support for teens and young people to enable them to consider a childfree life and of course no support in general. Even if people don’t say it directly (and as we know many do), pro-natalism is conveyed in so many ways… from the constant mention of “mommy power” to the endless references to “our children” in business meetings to the complete lack of acknowlegdement that not everyone has or wants kids. The childfree people I know, however, don’t have much of need to be accepted by society. As long as we’re left alone to live our lives, and don’t get bombarded with insecurities and bingoes… it’s cool. It’s a good point from which to start.
The more interesting comment was the one about feeling envious of parents. I have say I’ve never felt even a modicum of envy for parents or their lifestyle. Quite the reverse. Regardless of what kind of life they appear to have (and I use appear deliberately as things are never ever as they appear) with their kids, and even if I know and/or like their kids, I’ve never wanted their life because I am happy with mine. The other reason is since I’ve made a choice to be childfree, why would I then be envious of a non-childfree life? For me, the answer is I wouldn’t. Perhaps you can all chime in your views on that one.
I have a very simple approach to being childfree… you must create your own life without expecting too much assistance from society. Friends may become strangers… as soon as they start having kids it’s inevitable. They will only want to talk about kids. You will not. Colleagues will be interesting until they start having kids. Then, all they will seem to be able to talk about will be their babies. You will struggle to keep it friendly (while feeling supremely bored and wondering where the colleague you once knew has gone).
I’d go as far as to say if you have decided to be childfree, you need to take steps and prepare advance for the change in your relationships and life. Find new activities with non-childed people (not parents in waiting) and if you can’t find any create them yourself. Don’t expect them to just happen any time soon. Think ahead if you’re going to childed gatherings…you know the same old bingoes are likely to come up. So get ready for them with some strong but polite childfree responses.
Being childfree is a choice…I’m personally very happy I made it. I’ve never for a moment thought I’ve been on the outside looking in… what about you?
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Yes!
I especially agree with what you said about presumptions of jealousy. Why would we be jealous? If we wanted kids, we’d have them! Right?
This reminds my of my longtime confusion at women with stringy, yellow, dyed-blonde hair, who seem to think everyone’s jealous. Whereas, obviously, if I wanted dyed-blonde hair, I would HAVE it. Right?
I’ve always done what I wanted in my life without caring what society or anyone else thinks. I guess now I’m tired of having to be against the whole world all the time just to do what I want, it doesn’t have to be that way, I just happen to want “the wrong things” all the time…
I totally agree that as long as you are left alone to live your life it doesn’t matter so much what others think. But most childfree don’t seem to be left alone and that’s a problem.
I think it’s not so easy to find childfree friends, it depends on where and how you live. Even if I would find childfree friends, I probably wouldn’t be able to be friends with them anyway. I’m different in so many ways, I really just want to fit in. I kan understand that might make me seem weak and that I want societys acceptance but all I want is not to be alone and isolated. Some people make friends easily but I’m not one of them. Not fitting in just makes it even worse.
Maybe the reasons to choose not to have kids kan make a difference on how you feel about your choice. I suppose childfree people have different reasons why they don’t have kids. My reasons are complicated and it doesn’t always feel like a choice. I don’t want kids but I would like to want them and I would like to be healthy enough to be able to have them. Then it would be 100% choice, but now it’s not. But I definitly don’t consider myself as childless.
My friends who have children tend to be the kind of friends who talk about pretty much everything BUT their kids. I sometimes wonder if parents talk so much about their children because they’re usually talking to other parents, and that’s their brand of small-talk. Who needs the weather when you can talk about what little Bobby did with the pots and pans that morning?
As for knowing how to live a child-free lifestyle, I find it comes pretty naturally with no guidance necessary. I just go to work and come home, go out on weekends, and hang out with my husband. I’d have a lot more trouble trying to figure out how the hell to balance my needs with those of a baby. I truly understand why there are so many parenting books.
But me? I have it nice and easy.Which was largely the whole point of not having kids, in the first place.
It’s not hard to live a childfree lifestyle once you are prepared. It’s a lot easier for marrieds as they will hang out for the most part with each other. I believe it is much harder for those not in a relationship – particularly when their circle of former friends starts having babies. At that point they are going to need to find a new circle of friends and or activities (where people share your interests but don’t talk about their kids) and that can be easier said than done. I think it is important for childfree people to be aware early on so they can mentally prepare and get ready for it.
That’s what I don’t get too. I still maintain friendships with my friends who do not have any children. We talk about all kinds of stuff from activities, sports, our Zumba class, her latest tattoo, the photography classes that we both want to take and are saving up to buy cameras for. Rarely do my children come up – most of the time she actually has to ASK about them for me to talk about it because I *get* how utterly boring it is to talk kid stuff with people who aren’t parents.
I do struggle with this at times though. My mom was 100% about her kids, never went out with friends, tries to make me feel guilty for going out with my friends for dinner, etc. and now here she is on the verge of being 50 years old with my 23 year old sister, 20 year old brother and 18 year old sister still living at home and my mom will NOT get her own life! I NEVER want to be that mom!
Kids can be great individuals. Their laughter, fantasy and innocence. But when I see what kind of life parenting brings I can honestly say that such life would make me unhappy. Not because of the kids themselves and not even for the money. Simply because life then had to follow a certain script, and its nothing I could have done about it. Therefore I am confident in my decision to stay CF, there is no other meaningful option for me. I am happy to have realized that.
I agree that loss of friendship is the biggest minus. But with some initiative I believe its possible to also deal with this.
Wow, jealousy? No way. I’m with you, BG – I feel the opposite. I look at even the happiest-seeming parents with pity, I really do. Because I know that when you subtract that month’s Kodak moments, you’re left with days and days of exhausting, mind-numbing chores, errands, and thankless hard work. Pure slavery. I look at the “mommy club” with a fair amount of distaste on my best days; on my worst, it’s more like derision. Of course, I put forward the same polite smile and friendly attitude when discussing parenthood with my parent friends…but on the inside, I’m feeling something else entirely.
I think maybe people who are childLESS feel envy – they want kids but can’t have them. We can all have them, we just don’t want to, so I don’t see any reason to be jealous. There are people who have St. Bernards, and people who have motorcycles, and people who have lip piercings. If I wanted to, I’d have all three by the day’s end. Not interested.
I think its possible to be envious if you are a childfree 70-year-old widow. Then its like, I am all alone, I wish I had a son to mow the lawn and a daughter to call me, and some place to go for Christmas dinner. That’s my fear. I would love to have a 40-year-old child once I turn 70. I just dont want to be a 31-year-old with an infant, or to have a 5 year old, or a 10-year-old, or a teenager. A 40-year-old child when I am old? Yeah, that would be cool. My husband is older and with statistics, women outlive men anyway. I am definitely afraid to be a lonely old lady, all alone, eaten by cats when I am 90. But that’s a dumb reason to have kids, and right now, I am definitely not envious of anyone who has some. Maybe they are all thinking, Wait till you’re 70! You will be dying of envy then! And maybe they are right, but I think 70 happy years is better than a lifetime of misery, scrimping and saving, losing my body, having monotone 15 minute sex once a week, and the last few years of life with some consolation and some Christmas turkey (neither of which is actually not guaranteed.)
Very good observation. Other people and their kids barely registered on my radar until I got married and my wife and I tried to have a child and failed. After that, I couldn’t not notice society’s preoccupation with children, especially pregnant women and newborns (sadly, nobody seems to care that much about kids once they’re older and not as cute). My frustration has manifested into a weird emotional response of jealousy, anger and a desire for everyone and their kids to just go away, which, of course, is unrealistic at best. It isn’t that I want their kids or don’t want them to have children, but every time I hear about kids, pregnancy and parenting, I can’t help but think about my own situation and frustration. I don’t want their life, which I’m sure is a steady diet of stress, no money and messes as well as Kodak moments and tons of joy. I tend to unhealthily fixate on the failure in my own life and the reality of now being an outsider in all my professional and personal circles. Practically every person I know, from work to personal friendships, has kids or is planning to have kids. For them, it is probably achievable, but for me and my wife, it is probably not so I know it’s just a matter of time I lose the few friends I do have that are not parents yet. Even if my wife was like me and really didn’t want a child, we would still have to deal with the diminishing friend phenomenon. It takes us forever to make new friends and I like to hang on to the ones I do make, so it’s a real blow to see them go, but go they must.
The only thing that seems to help has been isolating myself and just digging into my interests. I’m rediscovering my life before kids were even a topic of discussion and I realize it’s actually pretty awesome. I try to keep busy and I’m really focused now on growing as an individual by developing new interests, which is maybe the biggest problem for people with kids. They have little-to-no time to develop new interests since they are preoccupied with raising a child. I’m trying also to spend more time with my wife where children are not discussed and that also seems to help. It’s getting easier for me now to see the road ahead the way I used to see it and I’m grateful for what I do have versus cursing my lot for what I don’t. People without children, whether by choice or by fate, have a lot to be happy about.
I really resonate with your comments. I myself can not conceive and have known so for…well since I was about 16. Most people don’t know, and I don’t make a point to tell people, so to be immersed in this baby/pregnancy obsessed culture is a daily battle in self control to not just …go off on everyone who talks incessantly about being pregnant or having kids. First time mothers-to-be are the hardest to deal with. I get so tired of it, and my depleting friends and the fact that I am not invited to baby showers or included in on anything is hurtful.
I’ve come to enjoy my childfree life, and the majority of the time I enjoy it FAR more than I would enjoy parenthood. People just make it unbearable with their BS and condescending comments.
What about regrets? do you have any? When I say to someone that i don’t want kids, the immediate answer is that I’ll regret it when i’ll be old…hm…
If I were to have kids for sure i won’t come up with this excuse: to have someone to take care of me when i’ll be old…it’s just selfish.
I just love the way people can whip out the crystal ball peer into it and predict “we’ll regret it…” and wonder what other part of the future they can predict… bizarre.
Well, lots of people regret having kids, and lots of old people regret having them, too. I think that its almost impossible to regreat a choice I make daily for 20 or 30 years. I take my birth control pill every day – so every day I actively chose not to have kids. People who have kids made that choice in a day, or a few months. That seems far more likely to be the wrong choice, as its les sthought out.
I hate this bingo because it starts with a ridiculous assumption about what people will do in some theoretical future world. This is the single worst reason to create a human life and when childfree people get slapped with the selfish label I have to call BS. How selfish is it to say to someone, “Here, I made you! Deal with all of the problems of your own life AND take care of me when I can no longer take care of myself”? That only works in societies where it’s entrenched as a norm for hundreds of years and is almost law. In modern societies the odds are much greater children grow up, move up and out and do their own thing. Old people are left to fend for themselves.
In my own family I have an uncle who did take care of his father and mother, my grandparents, when they got older and it was a beautiful act of selflessness. But it was something my uncle wanted to do and was able to do and it wasn’t something he was compelled to do by my grandparents.
Another angle that never seems to be brought up when this line is whipped out is what about people who want kids and can’t have them for whatever reason? Who can they guilt into taking care of them? I think a great response to someone who is giving you a hard time about a childfree choice is to point to people who can’t have kids and say “What about them?” I think it would probably shut them up pretty quickly.
Sorry, this was a response to Mia above.
When detached from the life of a parent I think it enables me to see things in society for what they really are. Not caught up in the social norm free your mind to think outside the box.
Me too focus on interest, work and to get some socializing when possible. Otherwise you risk too much alone-time. I feel a CF gets less for free than what I parent many times do, but to what cost would it be different?
I consider myself on the fence but only because I can’t seem to make the final decision but as every day goes by I still do not want to have children or not enough. There are too many reasons I don’t want to do it than reasons I do. I think feeling left out can be hard, when so many of your friends go to the other side. I think in the end, I’m just really bad at making decisions even when deep down I know how I feel…
I don’t make a big deal of mom’s uniting or having mommy power. They need to have a support system. It does not preclude me from having and amassing power too.
The reason we sound jealous as a group is because we complain about pro-natalist efforts so much. Just because they are for natalism and confused about peopel who are not, doesn’t mean we are going to suffer.
Ours is a quiet revolution, quite the taoist flow actually. Women and men with or without knowledge of child-free ideology, choose of their own free will not to have children all the time. As more and more women wait until their 30′s to even consider having their first children, more and more pass into 40 happy to keep the lifestyle they built without kids. They don’t miss it, or if they do, it is only in passing. A short-term want quickly fixed by holding a baby for two minutes before it begins crying and its bedraggled mother comes to your rescue.
the diminishing friend problem is the one that gets me. I have had friends who become so angry with me if i try, after being asked, to explain my point of view. I have had friends who just drifted away because suddenly they had kids and all they want to talk about it babies, and nappies, and nipple absorbant pads etc etc. Friends who just cannot accept my lifestyle and turn every meeting into a chance to harangue me to try and force me to breed. Maybe in a way I should be flattered, they still want me to be in their little “club” but how do you maintain a friendship when all they can talk about is babies and they have absolutely no interest in me anymore. As I am only in my twenties I think this will probably just get worse over the next decade or so.
I find it frustrating also how once kids come along friendship with the childfree seems to be relegated so far down the list of the parents interests that we are like afterthought. I was at a party last night and a woman who is “actively trying to conceive” would just get up half way through a sentence and wander over to pick up some toddler and dance with them or something. Like our conversation wasnt important because Look! a mini person.
It annoys me when people are rude like that, and it saddens me when friendships drift away. But I have never been one to follow the crowd, and to have a kid just to fit in with other people is one of the more stupid reasons for breeding if you ask me.
When you explain how you feel to people who profess to wanting kids, you will invariably be seen as some kind of freak. They usually make no attempt to hide their disdain for your viewpoint or, heaven forbid, try to see things from your perspective. I used to get frustrated in conversations with friends about having kids. I would take their side and congratulate them if they were going to have or wanted to have children, but they always seemed to turn on me when I said I think I’ll be better off without them. No effort was made to say, “Yeah. That’s a totally legit way to live. Good for you.” It was always “What’s wrong with you?” “You’ll regret it.” “You’re so selfish.” “It changes you for the better.” Yadda, yadda, bingo, bingo. My solution is to drop the topic and then to drop the friend.
I’m coming to the conclusion that having friends is over-rated.
oh, just to add because it was such a bizarre comment, the same woman told me i should have a child, because, and I quote “yeah, but once you have carried a child and given birth to it you will probably love it. And the first 5 years might be really hard, and you might be tired and ill and stressed and have no money, but you would have a little version of yourself. And if you get through all that then it gets easier from then on. And if you don’t like it, you will have at least tried and you can give it up for adoption”
Yes really, thats what she said. Try it out, if you dont like it then give it away. Is it just me that find that really very disturbing?
It’s not just you. It’s very disturbing. I bet that thinking isn’t all that uncommon either…I just pity her children if she suddenly decides she doesn’t “like” bringing them up.
The “I want a Mini-Me!” thing that a lot of people have has always been disturbing to me. It does not speak to wanting the best for a child, but it does say a lot about the big egos some people have. It’s also another indication of someone who has put very little thought into having a child.
I’m currently surrounded by four women I know who are pregnant, and the pre-baby talk is hard to avoid. I know it’ll only get worse once the kids arrive. I’m steeling myself for the onslaught.
Here’s a little Dear Abby reprint from last week. THIS is what you can expect after wasting your life on children – bitterness and annoyance that you have nothing at all, because you didnt develop a strong marriage, friend network, LIFE outside of them:
DEAR ABBY: Many senior citizens, including me, never get a phone call, visit or e-mail from our children or grandchildren. They say they’re too busy with school, sports, etc. I say baloney!
Is this present generation so narcissistic that all they can think of is themselves? Your answer will go to many, many seniors who would like some communication once in a while.
Waiting by the Phone, Friendswood, Texas
Anyone jealous?
Heh, heh. Touché.
DEAR MARGO: Usually it is families complaining that a grandma is not a good grandma because she is not “there” for the grandchildren. Well, Grandma is not the self-absorbed one. Grandchildren are. A recent news report suggested that this younger generation is made up of more narcissists than any other era! I have eight grandchildren from ages 5 to 24, both boys and girls. They are never available even though they all live within a 15-minute drive from me. I knew they didn’t like to call so I learned e-mail to accommodate them. They don’t e-mail back. They like gifts but hate thank-you notes. I travel eight hours one way to visit them at college for their honor programs and games, but when they are in town, they don’t even pick up the phone to say hello. When I go to their homes to visit, they don’t even offer a greeting — they just retreat to their rooms. The little one I only see when they need a babysitter. Grandparents have become obsolete. I, for one, have found another hobby.
— OBSOLETE?
DEAR OB: It sounds like you have bent over backward trying to be an active, caring grandma, and for whatever reason, your gang has not taken you up on it (excepting the we-need-a-babysitter part). Somehow your children have not passed on to their kids the value of having grandparents. It is their loss. I concur that it’s time to stop knocking yourself out. Let us hope, and it is a real possibility, that when they’re a little older, they will appreciate you, and then you will become a born-again granny.
— MARGO, YIELDINGLY
I never went looking for child-free friends, but alas, they are exactly who I ended up with. I guess over the years they were the ones I found most interesting…they were in grad school, or starting non-profits, or trekking the globe. They were never the ones in a desperate search for the daddy. Now, in our 30s and 40s, we’re all still content with the choice. We have lives full of things we love, not piles of toys, tons of resentment, empty bank accounts, or constant worry.
Same here. I’ve lucked in to having a lot of CF friends, but there are still times when I have to do things by myself, or not at all. So I’ve developed a liking for doing things by myself.
I’ve never felt any attraction for parenthood, but after having a few relationships break up over the issue, your rally do start to question why you don’t want the things that everyone else wants. The whole not-fitting-in thing is really unsettling – it’s a basic human desire, I think. We all want to feel like part of the group. But for me, in the case of parenthood, the cost of my own happiness is simply too high.
SG, I wish you and your wife luck. Thank you for your posts. It’s wonderful to hear from someone who has accepted the infertility setback with grace, and looked to the positives in their life instead of wallowing in denial and unhappiness. I hope life gives you back in return.
Thanks, Kat. Life has so much to offer and my wife and I are fortunate enough to have a lot going for us. The more I focus on the getting on with the business of living life, the less I think about our fertility situation. I’m a lot happier as a result. This blog has been instrumental in helping me sort out my thoughts and feelings in a positive manner and I really appreciate that. Can’t say it enough.
Yeah, man, you certainly have my admiration. Adapting and overcoming, becoming stronger as a result. It’s great you have such a healthy (and from the tone of your posts, vibrant) relationship with your wife. Not giving in to uncertainty and drowning in sadness, you two probably have the best kind of relationship most people dream of.
Thanks for your kind words, Sean. She really is a dream come true – patient, funny, practical and sweet- all I could ever hope for and definitely better than I deserve. I want her to be happy, but that seems to come to her naturally. I have to work on it, but I’m up to the task. It’s my goal in life to be there for her no matter what happens – children or not. She’s from another country and has opened up a whole new world to me. I’m looking forward to growing old with her and having a bunch of crazy adventures in the process.
wow… Im so glad to express my thoughts as Im in the middle of a major cross road. Not sure what to do as Im one of the ‘no maternal instinct types. I am 40 recently married. My partner and I discussed the idea of having a child. I have always stated that if its meant to be it will happen naturally and I will adapt and enjoy so forth.. He is pressuring for an out come and Im starting to question if it is what I want. I refuse to go down IVF and I have had a miscarriage 4years ago. When we married he said he is with me with or without kids… now we are married he says if we cant have our own then we adopt. I feel panicked by the whole thing. If I dont want kids then I have to leave my relationship. I know my life will be still great either way but I just cant work out why I feel so unsure…I am an only child and love animals.. could this be the making of a woman who doesnt go ga ga for babies? Im also a very satisfied artist/creative type. Sometimes I wonder is it the fear of the unknown or just a 40 year woman too use to being without kids in her world. thanks for this web site .. Its great to here other situations . tiff
Tiff, you’re attitude of ‘it’s meant to be’ is refreshing and, I think, healthy. My wife and I are in your age range and we are in a similar situation. Whether you want a child or not, you really don’t have a lot of control of the situation. Nature dictates the outcome, unless you want to try and move heaven and earth and spend a fortune in the process to try and have a kid. You don’t seem to be so inclined, which tells me you are smart, well-adjusted and quite mentally sound. Your husband seems to be the one who has gone off the deep end and, if that’s the case, I sort of understand his feelings. He may have always assumed he’d have a child someday, but never really gave the topic a lot of thought until the forecast looked grim. That’s kind of what happened to me. I always assumed I’d be a father one day, but never really felt the calling to be a dad. It was something that seemed inevitable to me, so I tried to find ways to stall parenthood as long as I could. When I dated my wife, I knew she wanted kids and she knew I didn’t. I agreed that if we got married, we’d try to have children even though the thought of having a kid terrified me beyond belief. One miscarriage two years ago was all we’ve had and it’s been a strange, bumpy ride since then but things have begun to smooth out recently. I went from being a guy who didn’t want kids to being a guy who desperately wanted at least one child then back to being a guy who, while wanting his wife to be happy, is fine if I never have a child. Maybe your husband will back off on this a bit as time passes, but maybe not. I think you will be wise and strong enough to stand your ground if he tries to force adoption. I’m not against adoption at all (in fact, I think it is a wonderful act of healing for both child and adult in the right circumstances), but it is a mistake to do it unless both adults are on the same page and are willing to accept parenthood on these new terms. I hope your husband will put his love and respect for you ahead of whatever preconceived notions he has about being a parent. Having a child is not worth breaking up a marriage or trying to force someone to do something against their will and hopefully he will see that.
“Whether you want a child or not, you really don’t have a lot of control of the situation.”
The pharmaceutical industry(-ies?), not to mention the past forty years, would likely disagree with you there. Especially if one were American with a certain bent for religious zealotry, the whole idea of contraceptives and (especially) abortion brings about a lot of grief. Moreover, it ultimately comes down to the decision of the woman whether to carry the child.
That being said, trying to “force an adoption” seems to be an increasingly hard option, too. I remember reading Russia was cutting down the allowable-annual amount of foreign adoptions by a significant rate and China was making some of the same moves. I wouldn’t worry too much – unless a person’s spouse had some decent cash and/or connections. We can’t all be Pitts and Jolies
Take the pressure off yourself Tiff. Stop worrying about why you are unsure and just accept that you are unsure. It is pefectly ok to not go ga-ga over kids (despite what most would have you believe) It would be great if more people were honest about the fact that they themselves were unsure –but had kids anyway ignoring their real feelings because of subtle or overt pressure.
Personally, the older I am, the more I resent and despise being inconvenienced. 10 years ago I lived in a 4th floor walk up with no dishwasher and commuted over an hour each way to work. And it was fine. Now, my dishwasher breaks down and the cleaning lady calls in sick and I am hyperventilating. I think as we get more and more successful and acquire more and more comfort, the prospect of children – the mess, the screeching, the way less money prospects really seem a world away and very undesireable. In my old crappy apartment with a messy roommate, unhousebroken dog and cockroaches, a screeching child really would not have disturbed me or threw me off nearly as much as now. Then, all I did was stuff I didn’t want to do – awful job, bad commute, a string of stupid boyfriends, schlepping 6 blocks to a laundromat, the aforementioned roaches. What’s a few diapers? It would have all been in a day’s work. Now, I have a beautiful home, expensive furniture and clothes, a good job, a great husband. a child would be like a handgrenade in my serene, beautiful little world. Maybe thats why as people get older, they are less and less likely to want a kid.
Jealousy, huh. Good topic BG!
I can definitely agree with what’s been said so far. Sometimes I feel so different, and yeah a little miserable. On the CF blogs folks talk about a vibrant social life being one of the greatest things about being/remaining CF but to tell the truth I don’t have a lot of friends. Having ADHD growing up made it really hard to maintain friendships (I don’t often have the patience to build them, and I have a million quirks) and then I moved across the world to a new place where I really had nobody. I got married to a smart, interesting CF girl and we pretty much just hang out with each other 24/7. After 5 years we’re still going great but I would love to have some friends like Kristine – those too busy enjoying life to want a Mini-Me!
Anyway I think about having kids sometimes and its NO WAY, not ever a possibility. I would never have the patience to raise them and again, I don’t take it for granted that a child would accept my wild and wooly moods. I like myself! And call me selfish or whatever, but I’ll be damned if I changed for anybody. That may be a bingo but there is perhaps some truth to it – I am too strong of a personality to bend it for a screeching crotchfruit, even if it was my own. Not gonna happen! On the flipside I change when I want to change, and I feel my life is pretty dynamic. I’m not a navel-gazer but “the unexamined life is not worth living” and I barely have time to properly examine my life as it is. I would lose myself completely if I had a child. That terrifies me.
About getting old, of course we all know that it will happen someday but as I watch my grandparents get old and sick and see the scramble of my aunts and uncles [running AWAY, not helping!] I see that having kids is not all its cracked up to be. Even in old age. I mean, having 6 kids and then 2 of them precede you in death, 3 of them ignore you and you have *1* kid, 1 out of 6 who even gives a fuck. Don’t know about you but I don’t like those odds. One could easily pop 4 sprog and have not one left to care for you in your old age.
My bet is on becoming massively rich and paying people to take care of my wife and I 
“Even in old age. I mean, having 6 kids and then 2 of them precede you in death, 3 of them ignore you and you have *1* kid, 1 out of 6 who even gives a fuck.”
Yeah…I had two uncles die within five years of each other; both were from different types of cancer. My grandmother, ever the endearing Christian, said it was “God’s will” and that cancer ran in the family; then left it at that. Whether it be her way of dealing with the pain or something else entirely, both men were hillbilly pharmacologists whose lifespans certainly weren’t enhanced by illegal pharmaceuticals.
“Crotchfruit,” heh, I’ll have to remember that one.
Glad you like it
The CF Glossary at Happily CF makes this kind of shorthand easy:
http://www.happilychildfree.com/lingo.htm
“I would lose myself completely if I had a child. That terrifies me.” <— Agreed, a hundred times over. I just don't see how tending to an endlessly needy child would help me to grow as a person, or substantially contribute to the quality of my life. I, too, feel I have a dynamic and examined life – one that would be stultified by the mind-numbing repetitiveness of enslaving myself to the task of raising children.
Your observation about parents and grandparents being abandoned couldn't ring truer. Parents are in absolute denial about this; they assume with such pathetic wholeheartedness that their children will be there to take care of them in their dotage. Idealistic much? I see, time and again, families whose elders are left out to dry. Kids get more self-involved every generation, and families seem to grown more pathological and dysfunctional all the time. Technology and social networking are supposed to bring us closer…but all I see is an outlet for narcissism and megalomania. I don't know a single person who's actively involved in their elder parents' life. It's endlessly naive for today's parents to assume it will be different for them.
It is sometimes deceptive to get caught in looking at life from the outside in. The Kodak moments, the little scenarios of an idyllic life we create in our heads. Seldom is the reality like that. The main thing is to focus on your own life and be happy with your decisions because as the cliche goes there is no dress rehearsal for this life. Live it fully and seek out those things which make your life richer. It is much too short to live with regret, envy or wondering if the grass is greener on the other side. Thank you Britgirl for such an insightful post.
thankyou ‘all’ for the replys. To actually give myself the Ok to be unsure is a great way to look at it. Sometimes the continuous thinking is making me so tired plus lack of libido in general. Obviously it is important to create a clearing for our truth to come forth. Its not fair for either parties to live in ambiguity. My husband is a few years younger then me and he is very clear on wanting kids. I would like to think he may let go with the idea to be supportive of me and what naturally comes our way but deep down I feel he is sad by the thought of not being a dad. I will keep posted to this website as its great to know that clarity on a decision brings freedom and happiness as well. tif
Hi — Author of Families of Two here..I enjoy your blog and thoughts on the childfree life! I have to agree that being accepted is an uphill battle, and not for the faint hearted. But so many people who make the choice value their freedom and independence that it does not get to them So much such that they change their minds or let it influence them to live their lives in a way that does not feel right. Having said that, I find that it is hard for lots of childfree to feel they live in the tributaries of society. That is why blogs like yours need to continue, and more that has to keep getting out there about us and our choice. Education about parenthood is an Option is sorely needed, and with a pronatalist society is just not valued these days. But that does not mean it can’t be–great strides were taken in the late 70s and early 80s on this score, including education in the schools, and we need to bring it back. We need to keep chipping away at why pronatalist values just don’t work. At least that is what I try to work on..to go to the source–our value system. It needs to finally get to a point of embracing full reproductive freedom–not just the power to choose when to have kids, but equally valuing the choice to not have them at all. The more childfre get out there and talk about their lives, the better.
I also see more 20 somethings out there who seem to be intent on not having kids these days, and would like to do a longitudinal study on this…if you are 20 something and are interested in particpating, go to by blog and contact me ! http://lauracarroll.com