Or one great reason Chad Skelton should stfu and write something else on a slow news day at the Vancouver Sun. It’s actually none of his business what choices the childfree make. But of course, it makes for great fodder for posting on the Interwebz. Especially with titles like:
4 Reasons the Childfree may have chosen wrong
As soon as I read that I knew it was a bingo. It was actually several childfree bingoes really, chief of which was “hey childfree ppl, do ya know you’re missing out on a fulfilled and happy life? Well, do ya? Here’s why and what’s a few assumptions here and there?”
Yeah, I know he’s simply trying to stir up various bingoes and arguments between parents and those of us who are childfree (note he says “childless by choice” as he seemingly can’t even bear to to call us childfree). And under the guise of “oh I just want to explore the topic – sorry “clarifying my thinking” he dives right into it. All in all, it’s really one great gi-nourmous bingo.
He says – and this makes me laugh somewhat:
“I’ll start by saying that I find myself conflicted on the question of whether those who are “childless by choice” can truly have lives that are as happy and fulfilled as parents. So, to help clarify my thinking on the question, I thought it might be easier to write two posts instead of one: One laying out the arguments for why childless people might want to think twice about their decision. The other on why they might be on to something.”
Earth to Skelton – Exactly why should we care if YOU’RE conflicted about OUR choice or happiness or fulfillment? Or whether we “truly have lives that “are as happy and fulfilled as parents?”
Fact – It’s none of your business.
Fact – you assume all parents are happy and fulfilled and that children are the only route for happiness and fulfillment. We blasted that old myth years ago, you need to catch up. Do a search on the Internet.
Fact – quite a few people regret having children but they’ll never actually tell you so because it’s a taboo subject. Your bias is showing… and your “research” is like Swiss cheese.
Fact – you are PARENT and you seem to be one of those parunts who’s mission in life is to dabble in things they don’t and will never understand… and then try to convince others that they’ve made the “wrong choice” based on your own limited frame of reference. Le sigh. Hence we have:
“But I still believe the evidence — and anecdotal experience — seems to suggest you’re more likely to regret not having kids than to regret having them. Indeed, several commenters over the past couple weeks have said they were once adamant they never wanted children but, now that they have them, can’t imagine life without them. And, for the reasons already given, I think the unique and profound nature of parenthood means regretting not starting a family is likely to cause you a lot more emotional pain than, say, never going to Greece or not buying that great flat screen TV.”
Seriously, we childfree really don’t need your approval, understanding or your supposed thinking that “we might be on to something.” You’re patronizing and condescending.
You see, it’s not about “being on to something.” It’s about well-thought out life choices about whether or not to have children, not the latest great fad find. Choices that, last time I looked are OURS to make and aren’t subject to yours or anyone else’s “approval.” Choices about what works for US as individuals and families. Something that many parents should probably do a lot more of instead of bleating that having children is “just what you do… or that “having children is what will make them happy and fulfilled.” Maybe that way we’d have a few less broken homes and single struggling parents… or are you simply using the Cornflake Family as your limited frame of reference? Seems so.
Even though the bingo is alive and well – “ the only way to be happy and fulfilled women is by having a kid” – Skelton, you need to go read a few childfree blogs. Or how about taking off your blinkers and get to know a few childfree people – without lecturing them on how they probably regret not having kids.
Better that then spouting off about about stuff you don’t will never know anything about. I’d like to think that most childfree folks (you know the ones you think might be freaking out because you think we may not have made a wise choice and we’re gonna be in throes of regret later on…) have moved beyond what others think and know without a doubt that their happiness and fulfillment is self made and within their control – not via the route of procreation.
I suppose one good thing about your post is that it brought out lots of people rebutting a lot of what you’ve said in your “clarifications.” Always a good thing, that.
Oh, and I think this comment from Hydee really sums it up
Oh wow! You put sooo much effort into this first part of the article. But in reality, it’s nothing more than a few of the more popular bingo’s that we childfree hear all time. Simple, asinine reasons that could not possibly apply to everyone in the world.
I’m sure your attempt to look at the childfree’s position will be weak and probably condescending.
As for your research that “No one” regretted not having children, where did you find that? Because lately, all over the internet, are stories about how a lot of parents confess to loving their children but regret having them. Or is that something you just choose to ignore to support your love affair with parenthood? I’ll bet is nice to have a kid when someone else is doing all the work and you get to look at them when their all cleaned up & pretty and you get to be the “fun parent.”But if you want some real research, peruse some of the comments from these happy, happy parents!
Mr Skelton et al the childfree don’t go around trying to figure out why you’re a parent or or why people decided to have children. We really don’t care. And we recognize that is your choice. I suggest you take a leaf from our book… STFU bingoeing and mind your own business. Kids go back to school soon. Why not focus on that and leave the childfree alone.
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
What is apparent to me is that those that have children tend to incur significant costs not just in time but money and potential stress or other forms of unpredictable outcomes in the future. On the opposite end of this issue stand those that do not approve of personal decisions and in this case the lack of investment we(Child free) make. There is no real significant cost to the detractors that want us to have children, they simply voice their opinion and do not have to wake up countless nights or go to work on 4 or 5 hours of sleep, they do not suffer the economic or labor investment of raising a child. This situation on its’ face is totally asymmetrical with the detractors as the advantaged party. If detractors truly do want us to change their our decisions perhaps its’ time to think about balancing the investment costs and providing us with actual incentives do engage in this task rather then making a simple statement that, for them, is costless.
Raising OUR child rather.
Didn’t read the article (from your summary it sounds like the usual condescending drivel), but I actually find the whole “you’ll regret it later!” argument amusing. Because it takes as its premise the fact that CF persons are happy and fulfilled NOW (as opposed to how miserable we’ll be later). It’s like an admission; an acknowledgment of the fact that right now, we look pretty damn content from where they’re standing. So since they obviously can’t attack our current state of mind, they tuck themselves into magical time machines, so they can predict our state of mind in the FUTURE.
Chad Skelton – or anyone else – is more than welcome to check in with me in ten, twenty, thirty years or more. Hook me up to a polygraph, and ask away. Because that’s the ONLY way you’ll know if I’ll regret my decision to be childfree. Until then, his speculations are just so much mental masturbation.
Good points Ellie. Perhaps that’s how we should be looking at that particular line in that light… with amusement. Gotta love how they are so sure they know our future… magical time machines indeed. But hey, whatever floats his boat. Am bemused about his fixation on the childfree. Thought he’d have enough to do just being a parent.
I can’t believe this guy is paid to write. He is just trolling for page views. But what do I expect: The next insightful thing a news columnist says about childfree people will be the first.
@Mark – too true. I’ve schooled myself to ignore them in general, but it was worth highlighting just how inane they can be. But, as you say, trolling for comments. Happens every time. A slow news day.
According to a recent news article I read, there’s apparently a new fad of adult children dropping off their elderly parents at hotels and disappearing (much like they’ve always done at hospitals). Yep, I’m SURE those parents are MUCH happier that they had children to “take care of them in their old age.”
” breastfeeding, the cry-it-out method or co-sleeping”….Buuh why cant I be part of those things…
Average Joe writes about his own life-choice and found an area with lots of supporters.
By writing such articles Skeleton et al revel how mediocre the life of the average parent is and shows that the human nature does not change also after you became a parent.
Great post!
Thanks Lurker!
Once again, I cannot fathom why other people even give a damn about other’s choices that in all honesty don’t affect them. Also, if he is so happy with his choice, why does he feel the need to write about what he thinks the CF are missing in a somewhat berating tone? In my experience, people that are truly secure and happy with their choice do not feel the need to comment on other people’s choices in the way Skelton did.
Skelton, are you truly happy with the choice you made to be a parent? If so, excellent! That’s a good thing, and your children will certainly benefit from you being happy. However, our choices have nothing to do with yours. Those of us who put a lot of thought into our life paths are truly happy with our choice. You are most certainly free to write about what you wish. But your articles won’t change the fact that we are happy with our choices and won’t drive us to regret them either.
Yikes…I posted my name wrong, it should be Kawi, not Kawy, lol!
Mein Got! I am drinking wine. Cheeeeeers to you Skeleton! I meet lots of nice parents which I would like to make friends with, but still cant convince myself to follow their “example”, even if “great” guys like Skelton tempt me with their baby-centred world.
Hello,
I stumbled upon this blog after doing a search on Corinne Maier (whose work you commented on three years ago, and whose name was recently floated between two dear friends of mine in a discussion not unlike the main theme of your blog). Your mission states that parents *may* comment without judgment or without tossing in the finger-wagging that the child-free are apparently sick of. Because my daughter is napping, I’ll take a few to engage and indulge, keeping your request in mind.
In the last twenty-four hours of reading numerous articles on the topic of reproductive freedom (let’s call it that, for simplicity’s sake), I have become aware of the “gulf between mothers and child-free women” that you mention in the “about” section of your blog. This chasm, I surmise, is the result of a modern society in which the abundance of choice goads fortunate people to do what fortunate people do best: judge the “other”. Having an identical twin who has (so far) chosen not to have children, as well as several child-free girlfriends whose company I adore (and try not to “sully” with kid-centric talk, hey I want a life t00), I can certainly appreciate the desire for the child-free to have their choices respected to the fullest extent of the word.
However, I can’t help but compare the engaging nature of Skelton’s article to the rather visceral reaction voiced by many here. I consider myself to be fairly objective on the subject (and on many topics of debate), and what resonated most with me was that Skelton clearly stated that part of the reason he was arguing in favour of re-thinking a child-free lifestyle was, in fact, to provoke and open the discussion (much like Corinne Maier has stated about her own musings on parenthood, and much like Lionel Schriver wanted in the discussion after “We Have to Talk About Kevin”). If there IS chasm of mutual respect and understanding between parents and the child-free, it’s perhaps simply because the topic can’t ever be devoid of emotion, and thus people’s first reaction to the topic is to be very defensive about the choices they have made. Seeing it for what it is helps bridge that chasm, I suppose (my motivations aren’t selfless, either- just as the child-free are tired of the judgment, so do I find distasteful the notion that someone out their “doesn’t hate kids, just moms…”, yikes. Found in this blog, by the way).
I’ll go by way of another post of yours to expand on bringing more harmony to the discussion. Britgirl, you had solicited ideas on how the child-free can rebuild a social network after a life-changing event such as divorce, etc. As a parent, my knee-jerk and gleefully vicarious reaction is, “Goodness, what’s holding you back? Go anywhere, ANYWHERE at all!” Until I realized that perhaps you meant where can one start without the nagging possibility of running into someone whose life isn’t dictated by having children, “un ami de coeur”, I suppose. Since the world is full of parents, it might be an uphill battle to realize that scenario, but do consider this: many clubs- travel clubs, running clubs, ultimate frisbee clubs, chess clubs, book clubs, garden clubs- may have smug parents in them, but deep down these people are looking for a child-free distraction and would love to spend time with you and hear about the cool things you do in your spare time. You might become an inspiration to them as well, and you could have the fun of watching them re-kindle some interests of their pre-child years (my sister inspired me to re-tool my schedule so that I could do evening theatre workshops, and I feel so fulfilled that we now have this in common again). Someone more defensive might consider this “using”, but I’d be flattered by the envy.
Happy socializing, and I’ll sign off by saying not all of us smug parents think you’re crazy.
Hello Alexandra
Regarding your comment about the reaction Chad Skelton’s article has gotten here…
I am not entirely sure that his intent with it truly was to “open a dialogue”, but that is actually neither here nor there. The main problem with his article is that he doesn’t bring anything new to the table. He is just repeating the things that have already been said a million times before (kids = meaning of life, you don’t truly know love until you’ve had a child, bla bla bla). It is a bit like a creationist trying to open a dialogue with those who believe in evolution by asking “If we came from monkies, why are there still monkies?”
So even if Chad Skelton sincerely only intended to start a dialogue with childfree people, the only thing he accomplishes is kicking up the same dust one more time. He doesn’t offer a new spin on these age old arguments, he doesn’t come up with any new arguments, so most childfee people will shake their head, say “Nothing to see here, moving on.” There is nothing Chad Skelton could have learned from writing and publishing his article that he couldn’t have learned by doing a google search. This makes it a bit hard for us childfree to take him seriously when he claims he never intended any offense and truly wanted an open, respecful discussion.
I believe this to be the main reason for the backlash against the article that you say you experience. Thank you for dropping by, it is always nice to talk to the reasonable parents out there.
You really musn’t get too upset by people like this. Something happens to the human mind when it becomes a parent, something inexplicable. And then all of a sudden all common sense flies out the window and is replaces by ‘my amazing baby’.
I love that, to defend himself, he compares telling the childfree to have children to telling a friend to watch a good movie. I find it more comparable to a self-righteous Christian fundamentalist telling a gay person to try the opposite sex, or a health nut telling a smoker to quit. It’s annoying, rude and unnecessary. Everyone knows that.
Worse. I always want to punch people who say things like that. Do they even give half a damn about what the child’s life will be like if it turns out the childfree person was right and really didn’t want a kid?
“Just try it! You’ll like it!” But what if I don’t?
“It’s just like asking a friend to watch a good movie!” First of all, ‘good’ is subjective in a lot of things, especially in cinema, so this is a bad analogy. How many times have I told someone to watch what I considered a good movie or had a friend or relative suggest what they consider a good movie to me, only to find our reviews are not mutual? Just because you enjoy a movie does not mean I will, and just because you love being a parent is no guarantee that I will. Only worse, because those friends and relatives who suggest a movie to me know something about me and think I may like that movie based on what they know about me, whereas you know nothing about me and just make a one-size-fits-all assumption that “all” women want to be mothers and “all” women will love it and that “all” women can only find fulfillment by splitting their guts to create a squalling little poop machine. Oh, yeah, and that men will enjoy that too, but the crap usually falls on the woman–we’re supposed to be walking wombs, donchaknow, and can’t possibly be fulfilled until that womb is full of BABBIEE!
Or even “It’s no different than if I tell you to try a flavor of ice cream!” So, can I throw the baby in the garbage can if it turns out I don’t like having a baby, the way I can if it turns out I don’t like spumoni? No? Then don’t make such an evil claim, because it doesn’t hold up as an analogy. I don’t have to watch the movie you suggest for the next eighteen years or more, I don’t have to care for it and feed it and pay medical bills for it, I don’t have to risk my life and health to put it in the DVD player or pay for the movie ticket–hell, I don’t even have to watch the movie all the way through if I don’t like what I’m seeing! I can just walk out or turn it off, depending on the venue!
Look, when having a baby and being a mommy is a decision as easily reversed as watching a movie or tasting some ice cream, then you can make that kind of comparison about how totally innocuous your demand that we reproduce is. Until then, STFU.